Realized I had an affair

[ShySoul]

6 hours ago, madsd said:

He definitely suspects, but I have been lying and just shutting down any conversation about it until I figure things out

This is what people do when they aren't ready to face the actual consequences of their actions. They ignore it, pretend nothing happened, deflect onto the other person. But it never addresses or solves the issue. The only way to do that is to be honest and admit what happened. Yes, it's difficult. Yes, it's painful. And yes, you risk losing your marriage and your family. But not saying anything will only prolong this and most likely make it worse. If your husband already has suspicions, he's going to continue not trusting you. Should it come out somehow, the betrayal of your lying and denial will hurt just as much as, if not more then, the actual act. Telling him and admitting your actions are the only way to getting this burden off your chest and beginning to make amends.

6 hours ago, madsd said:

At that time I believed I was correct for the most part. I do understand I have made really horrible choices here. It is just weird looking back at everything.

Mistakes like this aren't generally a one time thing. It's a gradual process. You make a small choice that you can dismiss as no big deal. Then it's another choice, and another, each time just a little more serious. Suddenly you realize how deep your in and how far things have gone. What you did wasn't right, but it is understandable how things got their. Please, don't be too hard on yourself. That won't solve things. The important thing is that you take steps to make things right again.

[redswim30]

So you slept with someone else and "just realized" you had an affair?  Most people would consider sleeping with someone else an affair. 

If it was just emotional, it would be more understandable.  You bonded over losing this woman that you both loved deeply.   However, the question is once it became physical, why didn't you stop it after a kiss? 

That would have been the time to recognize that a line has been crossed. 

Sorry to say, unless you think no one in your family will ever see or talk to your BIL ever again, you're going to have to tell your husband.  This isn't some stranger at a bar.  Or even a coworker.  Stuff with family members is super duper messy, because it's going to come out eventually.   Your husband already seems to know and instead of fully confessing, you are gaslighting him, hoping to alleviate your guilt and hoping it will change the facts. 

But the facts are, you've ALREADY blown up your marriage whether or not your husband ever finds out about the physical cheating, because he no longer trusts you.  You had an affair.  Accept that.  I highly recommend individual counseling.

You are going to have to come clean and tell him.  The least you owe him is honesty, so that he can decide  what he wants to do.  He may choose to work on things with you in couples counseling.  He may decide he's done.  But the longer you wait to tell him the truth, while he suspects it anyway, is going to make everything worse.  Continuing to lie to him after already cheating on him will blow up any chance for a reconciliation.  Sorry, but this is your BIL- there's just no way on earth your husband is never going to find out.  And if he doesn't hear it from you, the worse it will be. 

If this was just a momentary lapse of judgment and kissed once and stopped it before it went further, I'd say let it go.  But you slept with him.  It takes a LOT of YES's to reach the point of sleeping with someone- there's so many "checkpoints" you have to go thru and you made that decision.  Time to face the consequences of your affair.   Your husband is never going to stop questioning until he reaches the truth.  The only question is do you want him to hear it from you as a place to start to heal or thru the grapevine in a manner that will assuredly obliterate any hope for future reconciliation?  

 

[catfeeder]

My heart goes out to you for your loss of your sister.

I wouldn't just blurt and impose my confession on husband. I would open the door and allow him to tell me the degree to which he wants to walk through it. I would make the time and room for a private conversation. I'd tell husband that I recognize that I've neglected our marriage. Then I'd stop talking and listen to what he has to say.

If he doesn't raise questions but defers to your agenda instead, I'd restate my desire to repair our marriage by foregoing any time alone with BIL. Then I'd ask him if he wants to discuss this further, and I'd tell him I'm willing to answer any questions he has.

[smackie9]

On 2/18/2024 at 1:30 PM, Capricorn3 said:

I would strongly advise you look into therapy/counseling to help you with grief, guilt and lying etc.

This 100%^^^. Before you cower with guilt or dump this on your husband, it would be best to get your thoughts and feelings together to make a clearer decision on how you will approach this. 

[lostandhurt]

On 2/17/2024 at 6:58 PM, madsd said:

I don't know what was wrong with me or what I was thinking. Is this just something I should take to my grave or should I tell my husband? I feel an unbearable amount of guilt

You need to figure out why you so easily betrayed your husband and your sister.  Therapy will help with that.

You knew what you were doing when you started all this and you chose to continue instead of putting a stop to it which would have been so simple.  No excuses, no justifications just own it.  You liked the attention and you like the excitement of having sex with your sisters husband. 

You have betrayed the whole family so you need to find a therapist to help you unpack all the crap you have caused and figure out the best way to not destroy other peoples lives because of your selfishness.

 Lost