Realized I had an affair

[madsd]

My husband (33) and I (26) have been together for 3 years and we have a baby together. This is kind of complicated and I am only just now realizing everything. 

My sister died 6 months ago. She has a 2 year old with my bil. I loved my sister a lot and we were really close. Her death was unexpected and devastating for our family. I tried to be there for my bil and niece. My bil and I work close so we had been spending a lot of time with each other. Whenever he would call and ask me for something I would always say yes no matter what it was and we got closer then we ever had before. I realize now I was majorly neglecting my own family for their family. Things with us escalated recently and my husband accused me of cheating on him. We had a long talk and I'm not going to be around him unless it is a family thing or for my niece. I haven't told my husband what happened because of how bad this is. I don't see me coming back from this. I am scared I will lose my niece. I don't know what was wrong with me or what I was thinking. Is this just something I should take to my grave or should I tell my husband? I feel an unbearable amount of guilt 

 

[ShySoul]

First, sorry about the loss of your sister. Losing family, especially someone you are that close with, is difficult and it's understandable if your emotions were a bit more raw and vulnerable. Given that the BIL was also going through the same emotions, it's not surprising that the two of you were drawn to each other. Spending a lot of time with someone, sharing in the same grief, that can bring two people closer to the point where they allow their feelings to overide their better judgement. Try not to beat yourself up over this too much. Yes, it was a mistake you should have stopped. But it doesn't seem like you went into this with the goal of cheating or hurting anyone. That you feel guilty about it and have agreed to call things off speaks volumes about the person you are. You're a good person who, in her grief, made a really bad decision. 

What to do is your call as you know your husband and your relationship best. But in my mind, honesty is the best policy. Guilt isn't something that tends to go away. It eats at you until you can release it, find a way to make things right. When you look at him, will you be okay? Or will there be a thought in the back of your mind about what you did? I don't want that guilt to be a burden, weighing down on the relationship and creating tention. There is also the possibility he finds out some other way. The longer he is kept in the dark, the more hurt he'll feel, not just at the act, but at the fact that he was lied to for so long.

As a male, I think I would prefer to know the truth. That way I can know where things stand and see if things can be worked out. We could work on regaining the trust that was lost. If it's someone I love, I would want to put in the effort to reconnect and make things right between us. Given how bad you feel over it, I think you also want to make things right again. So do what you have to for it to be right. It may not work and that is the consequence you would have to accept for your actions. But you still have a chance to make it work. I hope you do.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, madsd said:

. Things with us escalated recently and my husband accused me of cheating on him. We had a long talk and I'm not going to be around him unless it is a family thing or for my niece. I should take to my grave or should I tell my husband? 

Sorry this is happening. Condolences on your sister. It's a very sad and confusing situation. It seems your BIL is confused and grasping. 

You've already spoken to your  husband, been honest and made amends regarding seeing your BIL. Your husband already knows something is wrong so more details (such as it got physical?) is not going to absolve guilt or make anything better. 

Whatever other details there are and whatever other guilt you have would be best discussed privately and confidentiality with a licensed qualified therapist.

You could use some grief counseling and ongoing support as well as a safe place to unpack and sort all this out. 

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, madsd said:

I haven't told my husband what happened because of how bad this is.

The problem is that your affair partner is in your close circle, so your husband may find out at some point anyway. This is a big secret and those often have a way of coming out, sooner or later. 

Would you prefer he hear it from your, or your brother-in-law?

 

[Kwothe28]

8 hours ago, madsd said:

I don't see me coming back from this. I am scared I will lose my niece.

Well yes, actions have consequences. By choosing what you did, you took the risk of losing both your family and your sisters family if things go awry. And now when things did go awry, you arent ready to take accountability for your actions. Even though you knew the consequences of it. 

Take accountability and confess to your husband. Even if it means that you will face the consequences of it. Its the right thing to do.

[boltnrun]

13 hours ago, madsd said:

Things with us escalated recently

Can you define what you mean by "escalated"?

[Starlight925]

Exactly.  What do you mean by "escalated"?

What do you mean you "realize" you had an affair?

How does one not "know" they had an affair?

Your word salad makes it look like you are trying to remove yourself from the responsibility of your actions.

And yes, tell your husband.  You did him wrong.  Own it.

[madsd]

I just mean that I realized we have been in an emotional affair for a while before it got physical. By escalate I mean physical affair. We were too close and putting too much into each other instead of other things. I really want to pretend like it didn't happen so I can convince myself it didn't happen eventually because it is going to be really bad and impact many people who don't deserve it.

[Starlight925]

OK, thank you for the explanation.

I'm not judging, just trying to understand.

Do you want to stay married?  Then tell him, and offer to go to couples counseling together.

If you want to leave him, then telling him will only hurt him worse, so don't.

[Wiseman2]

28 minutes ago, madsd said:

 it is going to be really bad and impact many people who don't deserve it.

Please speak privately and confidentiality with a licensed qualified therapist Before you blow up your family, your child's life and a lot of other lives.

Your husband already knows, so gory details won't help.  In fact it's often Not recommended to get into details. You already agreed to end things. You already confessed to your husband. 

With all that's happened with your sister and grief and inappropriate bonding, blowing everyone's lives up serves no purpose. 

[madsd]

I do want to stay married. My husband has suspicions but I haven't admitted to anything. I'm not sure what he thinks or thinks he knows. I agreed to stop seeing him for my husband

[Batya33]

32 minutes ago, madsd said:

I do want to stay married. My husband has suspicions but I haven't admitted to anything. I'm not sure what he thinks or thinks he knows. I agreed to stop seeing him for my husband

You agreed to stop seeing him because you took marriage vows - it might also be for your husband but mainly it's because you want to stay married.  If you think he suspects I would tell him especially since it is someone he knows well.

[boltnrun]

42 minutes ago, madsd said:

My husband has suspicions but I haven't admitted to anything. 

Did you choose to lie to your husband?

Please don't gaslight him and tell him it's all in his head, he's crazy, he's imagining things, say "how dare you accuse me!", etc. 

Also, are you absolutely sure your brother-in-law won't try to get in between you and your husband?

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, madsd said:

By escalate I mean physical affair.

Did you have sex with him? 

[madsd]

He definitely suspects, but I have been lying and just shutting down any conversation about it until I figure things out. My bil has no reason to get in the way of my marriage because the repercussions would be huge for him too. We have had sex. 

[Batya33]

Just now, madsd said:

He definitely suspects, but I have been lying and just shutting down any conversation about it until I figure things out. My bil has no reason to get in the way of my marriage because the repercussions would be huge for him too. We have had sex. 

Did you get tested for STDs -to protect your husband too? 

It's incredibly unfair to lie to him.  It will make it so much worse for everyone.  You have no idea what your BIL might do - did you ever think he'd have sex with his married SIL?

[boltnrun]

6 minutes ago, madsd said:

He definitely suspects, but I have been lying and just shutting down any conversation about it until I figure things out. My bil has no reason to get in the way of my marriage because the repercussions would be huge for him too. We have had sex. 

Your lies are so much more damaging than the fact you had sex with another man.  I hope you at least didn't engage in gaslighting (telling him he's crazy, telling him he's imagining things, telling him he's being ridiculous, etc.)

[madsd]

I think I engaged in some of that before getting physical, but now I just suck and shut down. I haven't gotten tested yet but I am going to. No, I never would have dreamed this would have happened ever. Life is really weird. I don't know why he would intentionally destroy his life though. This isn't something you would brag about.

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, madsd said:

I think I engaged in some of that before getting physical, but now I just suck and shut down. I haven't gotten tested yet but I am going to. No, I never would have dreamed this would have happened ever. Life is really weird. I don't know why he would intentionally destroy his life though. This isn't something you would brag about.

What does weirdness of life have to do with your choice to have sex with your BIL and lie about it to your spouse? He might choose to hold it over your head if he wants something from you.  Be careful out there.

[MissCanuck]

10 minutes ago, madsd said:

I don't know why he would intentionally destroy his life though. This isn't something you would brag about.

He might not have any intention of bragging about it, but that doesn't necessarily mean he will keep it to himself forever either. 

He might feel guilty and confess to a buddy. Or have one too many beers some night and let it slip. Who knows. The point is that you would be wise not to count on this staying between the two of you. 

[Batya33]

34 minutes ago, madsd said:

He definitely suspects, but I have been lying and just shutting down any conversation about it until I figure things out. My bil has no reason to get in the way of my marriage because the repercussions would be huge for him too. We have had sex. 

Or someone else. My friend's estranged partner cheated on her and his mistress harassed my friend.  I told her not to tell me her name or show me the harassing letters -I simply did not want involvement in that manner.  Then her partner died suddenly.  Because of that the mistress posted on FB about how her "friend" had passed away.  I saw it.   Why? It turned out randomly I'd known the mistress entirely separately in my former city and we were connected on FB.  Completely bizarre coincidence.  I've never said anything to my friend or the mistress - he died, there's no point.  What I'm saying is -the world is teeny tiny.  Especially because of social media.  You never know who knows what and like Miss Canuck said -how it might come out. 

[boltnrun]

31 minutes ago, madsd said:

I think I engaged in some of that before getting physical

Engaged in gaslighting, you mean?  You told your husband he was imagining things or was crazy?

Again, that is going to hurt him far worse than you having sex with your brother in law.

 

[boltnrun]

32 minutes ago, madsd said:

Life is really weird.

This isn't "life", these are your choices.

I truly hope whatever you choose to do, you do acknowledge that you chose this path.  At any time you could have stopped but you chose not to.  It wasn't "life" doing any of it.

[madsd]

At that time I believed I was correct for the most part. I do understand I have made really horrible choices here. It is just weird looking back at everything.

[Capricorn3]

I would strongly advise you look into therapy/counseling to help you with grief, guilt and lying etc.