Family issue 🥲

[sam1256]

I'm unsure if this is the most appropriate category, but I've been grappling with challenges concerning my parents, particularly with my mother.

My mother, a high achiever and widely liked for her beauty, made a choice in her youth to marry an average man, my father. Unfortunately, my father has not been the most supportive partner, exhibiting mistreatment and anger issues throughout the years. Despite the difficulties, my mother chose to stay in the marriage.

Both my parents have high expectations for my sister and me, to the point where it feels controlling. Growing up in this environment, I've often felt like an outsider, with my sister consistently siding with our parents during arguments. It seems as though she echoes my mother's thoughts, almost as if she's been "brainwashed." An aspect that particularly bothers me is that whenever I call my sister, she turns on the speaker without informing me, allowing my mother to eavesdrop in the background.

From a young age, I struggled with poor grades, low self-esteem, and a lack of validation for my ideas. It felt like a constant battle against my family, especially with my mother labeling me as lazy. Despite being ambitious and artistically talented, I ended up living in her image for years, succumbing to negative self-talk.

Even though I've made significant improvements, my parents still perceive me as the same person. Despite my determination to build a business, they undermine me by insisting I lack the knowledge or capacity, accusing me of taking the easy route. This ongoing skepticism infuriates me.

Recently, I came out to my mother, and her response was to accuse me of selfishness, urging me to prioritize the family over my own identity. Despite two years passing, she continues to pressure me to change my mind.

Furthermore, my mother insists I regularly call my grandmother, who, in my experience, tends to be eccentric and uninterested in meaningful conversation. The calls are brief, and at times, she fails to recognize my voice and hangs up abruptly. I find these interactions pointless, given our lack of connection over the years.

In my mother's eyes, my behavior is deemed unfilial, and navigating family dynamics feels like traversing a field filled with landmines, never knowing what might trigger their disapproval and result in more negative labels.

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, sam1256 said:

, she turns on the speaker without informing me, allowing my mother to eavesdrop in the background. I came out to my mother, and her response was to accuse me of selfishness, urging me to prioritize the family over my own identity. 

Sorry this is happening. Do you live at home? How old is your sister,does she live at home. Do you have a good profession and supportive friends in your community? 

Sadly your parents seem closed minded and set in their ways. Hopefully you can create boundaries and not address or share too much sensitive or personal information with them. 

Perhaps consult a licensed qualified therapist for ongoing support and to unpack and sort out these family dynamics. 

[boltnrun]

I'm sorry your family is unsupportive.

There are groups for the LGBTQ community. I urge you to contact some of them. They have excellent resources including training, employment assistance, support groups and activities.

Do you have a few trusted friends? Sometimes we make our friends our family. 

[Andrina]

Never too late to learn how to establish boundaries. There are plenty of books on the subject, so I suggest reading some of them. Sometimes you can teach people how to treat you, and if they don't treat you right, you can temporarily remove yourself from their presence or the phone conversation. If they want the pleasure of your company, they have to abide by the rules. I would no longer have serious discussions with your sister on the phone since she allows others to hear the discussion. Tell her you will discuss important matters in person only.

You can leave a person's house or hang up the phone the moment you feel uncomfortable with the way you're feeling because of their treatment. Don't allow yourself to be pulled into arguments or defending yourself. You're an adult and don't need anyone else's approval. If you want advice, you'll ask. 

Limit time with them if they don't improve. Some people choose to totally cut toxic relatives from their lives. I, for one, am happy that many of my relatives live far from me, and that we sparingly see each other. So nice to choose friends, as said, as the supportive circle where you can really enjoy your leisure, extra time. 

Take care.

[ShySoul]

As much as we might want the love and support of our family, ultimately we have to live our own life and be true to ourself. We are who we are, and they are who they are. You can't make them change and understand you, nor should they be trying to change and control you.

Do what is best for you. If that means removing yourself from their presence and limiting contact as much as possible, so be it. You can't really thrive as you should if your environment is one where you are constantly being put down and told all the things that are "wrong" about you. Concentrate on your dreams and plans, on the skills you do posess and on the life you want to lead. Do the things that make you happy and bring you joy. All of that is just as valid as any plan your mother may have had for you. There is no one correct way to live, so live as you want. Shine as your true, authentic self.

At the same time, try to not get weighed down by the situation. Their actions are not about you as much as it's about them. In my experience people who mistreat and/or try to control others do so because of a lack of control in their own life. Hurt people, hurt people. I'm guessing something happened to your father to cause his anger issues? If your mother had such lofty goals for herself, perhaps she is hard on herself for where she currently is or the relationships she has and, unfortunately, pushes you harder to try to make up for it.

I've struggled with my parents as well. What I've had to learn is that they do love me, just in their own way which is not necessarily the most healthy or productive. I've had to find a balance between accepting them as they are and their love in the ways they are able to show it, while still giving myself enough distance to grow and be the person I am without being stuck in their issues. Find your own balance, whatever that may be. If you need to get away, fine. If you can't handle a call or visit, fine. Just focus on you and building the life you want for yourself. 

[catfeeder]

My heart goes out to you. I lived outside of a mother-sister bond, and I can appreciate the discomfort. Yet, in hindsight, I can see their little bubble of provincial limitations as one I could not have adopted while still becoming the person I am today. That makes me proud rather than sad or hurt.

Those of us who break from the norms of 'the tribe' may need to suffer some slings and arrows, but we are pioneers into the larger world. We suffer less when we don't try to 'sell' our explorations to those with no desire to understand them. Think of it like flaunting an exotic vacation to those who barely leave the comfort of their town--it won't be appreciated.

Try an experiment. Skip all sales pitches, and stop seeking approval. See how well you can relax as you uphold your privacy and adopt mature discretion. You don't 'owe' anyone explanations, much less defenses. The more comfortable you become in your independence, the less relevant (and triggering) your family's conditioning will become--until one day, you actually find their views and behaviors amusing.

When you can get THERE, you are liberated. Head high, and write more if it helps.