8 months pregnant and husband left me

[buggalicious1118]

This is my first time on this forum- I am 8.5 months pregnant and my husband of almost 5 years does not want to be with me. Just a week ago I decided to pack his stuff and asked him to leave because, I couldnt take his neglect anymore. Through out the 8 months that I have been pregnant I never felt that he was there for me. I always felt that everything was more important to him, (friends and family). We have been down this road before but, we always managed to work it out and stay together. He wants to act like he is a single man and do whatever he wants. I feel that I am not asking for much but, for him to come home and be with me. He has a sick mom which he visits every day but, thats when his sister comes in the picture. If she asks him do something for her he will drop everything and do it for her. While I am home alone, waiting for him. He has his priotiries all mixed up because, I feel that once you are married your wife should be your first priority like he is to me. So, now he is telling me that he is tired of being with me and that he loves me but, is not in love with me. He says that I am controlling, rude, mean, that we dont have anything in common. He said that I make him feel like a child, and that his family will always be a problem for me. He also mentioned that he doesnt want anybody else that he wants to be alone. but, today he said that maybe he wants to know what it is to be with another woman. I know he has not been cheating but, that comment makes me wonder? He did not take any of his stuff out and as a matter of fact i put it back where it belongs. He did not move out yet but, is planning to take his stuff this weekend. I love him and want to be with him, I am wiling to work it out and perhaps see a marriage counselor. He has made up his mind and does not want anything to do with me. However, he mentioned that if we are menat to be we can be together in the future.

 

Any thoughts?

[punchy504]

let him move out, you can't make someone want to be with you, you would be better off not making him or YOU miserable trying, concentrate on you and that soon to be here baby. Hanging on to him is not going to change his feelings right now, only he can do that.

[DN]

I think marriage counselling is a good idea if you can persuade him to go, Seems to me there are problems on both sides. Asking a partner to 'put you first on the priority list' when he has a sick mother and other family members in need is not a good way to approach him about what you want. There are much better ways to communicate what you need and want than by demanding attention - that almost never works. And it does seem controlling and demanding. You listed what he said about you -are any of those things in any way true - does he have a point.

 

He should also recognise that you are pregnant and need more support than he is giving - and cut you some slack on how you ask for it. And threatening to leave instead of working things out is silly. He has a responsibility to you and the child and should not be giving up so easily.

 

The following is something I posted some time ago to someone - not the same situation as yours but it is about how to communicate with a partner - it may help you...

 

 

"People move towards comfort and away from pain. So when you want someone to do something, particularly when you are in a relationship with some one it is much better to get what you want or get them to do what you want by making it about you rather than them.

 

When you talk about your relationship make sure you start by talking about the positive aspects as well as the negative, pay him compliments for what he did well. Then address the negative as problems to be solved by both of you working together to please each other rather than attack one another. No recriminations but a desire not to hurt again.

 

My advice is to ask him to talk with you about the relationship Do not say, "We need to talk". When guys hear that from girlfriends, they know what it really means is "I need to talk and you have to listen" and they run for the hills by either retreating into silence or start pushing back. So don't so that.

 

In general, if you say to someone: "You don't do (whatever)" this is perceived as an attack. But if you say, "When you do (whatever) it makes me feel good/wanted/warm and fuzzy/insert positive emotion of choice" then that is seen as a request for help - it is not an attack.

 

So when you are talking to him about what you want do so in a way that is not seen as an attack (pain) but in a way that makes him want to please you (pleasure).

 

Think about the things that you want from him, what you want him to do for you, and phrase them in a way that he will not see as a criticism but as a request. Don't say, in effect: "you are a bad boyfriend because you don't do this, or you do that!!" because that will cause him pain and he will react with anger. Instead, say, "I feel lonely and hurt when you say that (or do that)" That way you are not so much attacking him as asking him to help you by not hurting you.

 

Remember that if you push someone, physically or emotionally they will either withdraw from you or push back. So don't do that. Lead him, by example, into a new way of communicating: negotiate don't demand. Compromise, don't be unyielding. Talk rationally not emotionally about problems. Recognise that he has a point of view – he is not immature because it is not the same as yours. Ask him to help you put the relationship back where it was when you were both happy. Identify what makes both of you unhappy and work together to get those problems fixed. "

[Falucchi]

Three words:

Family Law Attorney.

 

Feelings aside, you need to talk to someone ASAP to protect yourself and your baby.

 

"He has made up his mind and does not want anything to do with me. However, he mentioned that if we are menat to be we can be together in the future. " is NOT a good gamble for your future. Seek legal advise.

[Avalon23199]

Is this your first child? If so, the stress of becoming a new parent might be taking a toll on him, as well as the raging hormones of pregnancy. I know my daughter's father nearly left me several times during my pregnancy, but we were able to work things out and we're still together today. Maybe try some counseling and find out where the problems are. Open communication is always a must in a relationship and if there is none, then everything else starts to go downhill, with trust going out the window first.

 

You have to take a look at both of your experiences in life. Were you his first love and things like that. No offense to any men on this forumn, but sometimes they can act like children and from my personal experience, children will clam up and keep things to themselves worse than some adults will because they don't have those experiences that teach them it's ok to be open and honest with someone.

 

It sounds like he's scared of becoming a new dad and is lashing out in different directions because he's not sure what to do. I suggest having a good long conversation about things and figure out where you want to go from here instead of him moving out and you two getting a divorce.

[Jetta]

Listen to DN on this. You are hormonal for one thing and may regret this decision. And I agree that everything your husband said about you has some truth to it. I can also see that you feel neglected and yes he should take that into consideration. Marriage counseling is the way to go.

[DN]

No offense to any men on this forumn, but sometimes they can act like children and from my personal experience, children will clam up and keep things to themselves worse than some adults will because they don't have those experiences that teach them it's ok to be open and honest with someone..

 

The disclaimer 'no offence' does not make a statement like that any the less offensive. It is true some men can be childish - but so can some women. But saying that to a partner, or anyone else, is unlikely to help a situation - but it will almost certainly make it worse.

[cleverme123]

I had one of these....I live this life now...And quite frankly pack his stuff up and let him walk. He has nothing to offer you your life will become miserable chasing him down and always wondering what he is doing. A man who puts his family first over his wife never really has left his family. He never will. My first husband was like that up his parents behinds. And one day he couldn't handle having kids and while I was at work he packed up and left me. Surprise! He moved back in with his mother. He didn't want my daughter but wanted the boy.

 

We tried counseling and everything under the sun but let me be the first to tell you someone who is not willing to tell the truth and admit what the real issues are will not make it in counseling. Sounds like your man already has shut down the idea of making it work and I don't believe in that first time father drama. If he willing slept with you knowing you were not on birth control and there was a possibility you would get pregnant and neglected it then he should be man enough to deal with the issue.

 

As hard as it may seem go on with your life, I raised my daughter single for 5 years. It ain't easy but it's better than being with someone who treats you like garbage and has a list of put downs and confuses you to the point you don't know if he's cheating. That is where I am now and I am slowly unwinding the situation and I just had my third child. What good does it do to sit and think constantly if your relationship will make or not when he has made it clear he ain't even trying???

 

Let him walk and when he sees what he is missing maybe he'll come back and maybe he won't but by that time you will get the chance to see how it really is and decide if you even want him back.

 

good luck.

[DN]

I disagree - too many women expect a man to always put her before his family and yet quite cheerfully have a very close relationship with their own mother, sometimes excluding their husbands. And later on, when their own sons don't call them enough, they blame their daughters-in-law for driving a wedge between them.

 

As with all relationships, a balance should be struck. I remember an occasion years ago when I had small children. We had plans for one evening when my mother called, she was on her own as my father was away, and was very sad and lonely. So my wife took the kids out and I went and spent the evening with my mother to cheer her up. My wife absolutely supported me because she realised that, at that particular moment, my mother needed me more than she and the kids did. My mother is dead now and I can tell you that I am very glad I made that decision that particular night - and so is my wife.

[cleverme123]

That is totally different circumstances. If your mother called you 3 times a day to ask how you were doing, she balanced your husband and yours check book. And at any moment came up with a sportatic illness so she could see her grand kids, would you still feel the same?

 

I never stopped seeing my parents but for my ex and I we would be doing something she would call, he would drop everything and run right over there, yes it was annoying and ridiculous. I would see my parents on holidays and maybe call every couple days but not let them dictate my life.

[DN]

She didn't call 3 times a day but she was a hypochondriac. When she died we were going to inscribe "See, I told you I was ill" on her headstone, but in the end she was cremated.