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Falucchi

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  1. A time comes in your life when you finally get it…when in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out…. ENOUGH ! Enough fighting and crying and blaming and struggling to hold on. Then, like a child quieting down after a tantrum, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new ayes. This is you awakening. You realize it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to magically appear over the next horizon. You realize that in the real world there aren't always fairy tale endings, and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you…and in the process a sense of peace and calm is born of acceptance. You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are…and that's OK. They are entitled to their own views and you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself…and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval. You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you-or didn't do to you- and learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that everything isn't always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself. And in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance. You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties…and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness. You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've overgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with. You learn that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop manoeuvring through life as a "consumer" looking for your next fix. You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life. You learn that you don't know everything, it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a PIG to sing. You learn that the only cross to bear is one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake. Then you learn about LOVE. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You learn that alone does not mean lonely. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You also stop working hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that your body really is a temple. You begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drink more water, and take more time to exercise. You learn that being tired fuels doubts, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play. You learn that, for most part, you get in life what you believe you deserve, and that much of life truly is self-fulfilling prophecy. You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working towards making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone, and that it's OK to risk asking for help. You learn the only thing you must truly fear is fear itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms. You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes, bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people… and you learn not to always take it personally. You learn that nobody's pushing you and everything isn't always somebody's fault. It's just life happening. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to be thankful and to take care of many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about. Then you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart's desire. You make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility. Finally with courage in your heart, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can. (Written by Sonny Carroll)
  2. Dunno.. Maybe ask John McEnroe-- he was a also real bad sportsman, with a infamous temper problem... good tennis player sure, but a disgrace to the game. Is your self-esteem completely dependant on your athletic performance? Are your angry outbursts a form of bullying? Do you have low frustration tolerance? A judgmental attitude? Demanding? You might consider anger management-- seems like you're allowing your anger to spew out on the tennis court when it might not be about the game at all.
  3. Stay the course means you're hoping he's going to come to his senses and suddenly realize how much he loves/misses/needs you and come back to be with you forever?
  4. Is he a good bet for your future? I notice you're 28 years old. This guy has 1 failed marriage, a very young child, a raging custody battle, child support, still loves his wife and wants to be with her, and feels very confused. Currently, I don't see this as any "great friendship"- I see a guy needing a therapist to sort himself out, and getting you for free! He might, after he's processed the end of his marriage more fully, be somehow "emotionally" available to you-- or might not. NOT a good bet for a happy future-- why recycle used men when there are so many free and clear ones out there you can have your own life with. You'll always be sharing his old life with him, and working around his wife, his kid, his issues, his resentments, his court battles, his confusion, his trust-problems, his infidelity issues, his feelings, his child support payments, his guilt, his fathering responsibilities-- (I'm tired just writing it, I can't imaging volunteering to live it!) Frankly, this is the kind of man a 28-year old woman should totally avoid. No one said you have to either pick him or go on a dating spree. Why not end contact with him (he's a real time-sucker and emotional vampire right now) and just improve and enjoy your own life? Surely you have things you want to do in life besides spending hours on the phone with this dude, right? You can travel. You can go to school. Take classes, Learn to scuba dive. Buy a house. Further your career. Volunteer for a worthy cause (not him). Train for a marathon. Open a new business. Write a book. Get a college degree. Go to Australia and see the Great Barrier Reef. You can hike accross Hawaii. You can get involved in local politics. You can be a Big Sister. You can help out at the Animal Rescue Foundation. Teach ESL classes. Work in Costa Rica for 10 weeks on their eco-program... I can name 1,115 other things. Or, you can enmesh yourself in his problems. It's your life. Please don't waste it on phone calls from a confused man, or waste it waiting for him to sort out HIS life-- they have professional therapists with PhD's who get paid to go that. Take care (If you really really feel THAT strongly about this guy, ask him to call you in 6 months, when he gets his life in order--- but not before)
  5. I'm glad your therapist said "but remember that you never know about people so keep your eyes open and don't ignore red flags."-- that you're listening to your inner warning system is good. It's tempting to want to build a fantasy/happily ever after, but you know this man has had some emotional problems, and has had a rough time lately-- I think it's very insightful and wise of you to want to take a step back and do a reality-check with uninvolved people here. I found this on Oprah-- it may apply to him: Need for Retreat: If your disorganization gets so extreme that you won't let anyone into your home or office, or if you frequently turn down social invitations to spend all your time "organizing" and "re-organizing" your stuff, consider whether you are using clutter as a protective shield—a way of insulating yourself from the outside world. It can be okay to want some private space, but living in that chaos may increase your anxiety level. Take care.
  6. You'll never have a true answer from anyone here about why he's doing what he's doing-- and it doesn't really matter, does it? Does he want you back? Maybe Is the bracelet important? Maybe. Does he feel sorry? Maybe. Did he cheat on you? yes. Did he lie to you? Yes. Does he want to have sex with you? Maybe I'd ask you what do you want with him, knowing only 2 things for an absolute fact: he lied and he cheated. Forget what he wants and what he's telling you and all that-- what is it you want out of this?
  7. So is it the fact that she was deceitful about her involvement with this guy, or the fact that she had meaningless sex with this guy? Or the fact that she wants to see him again and party with him? You're entitled to feel whatever you feel. I'd find it extremely uncomfortable if my partner wanted to hang-out with or be friends with former lovers--they're not actually in the past then--being with them is sort of like an open door for these people to be in our future--I wouldn't like that. I don't think how you're feeling is unusual or 'wrong.' You can't change the past, so if you want to stay with this girl, you'll just have to accept it, despite how you might feel about it right now. You might look at the dude and wonder what she ever saw in him. If you're going to move in together soon, you might want to have a serious talk about the "house rules"-- will either of you have former lovers over to the house you share? When the other person is not home? Is it OK for her to invite her male friends over when you're gone? take care
  8. If this happens again, you might want to say to him: I do not want to see you ever again. I do not want your gifts. Do not come to my home. I do not want to see you ever again. I do not want your gifts. Do not come to my home. I do not want to see you ever again. I do not want your gifts. Do not come to my home. I do not want to see you ever again. I do not want your gifts. Do not come to my home. See if he understands that.
  9. I said this in another post regarding people who claim to be "afraid" of commitment. Why are they "afraid" of only the giving part of commitment? The have no fears in taking: they take your time, energy, love, emotions, mind-- no problem. They'll be with you, spend time with you, have sex with you, eat dinner with you, take your calls, talk to you-- they'll TAKE all they can get-- no fears. An analogy I used was: I'm "afraid" of spending money. I'll be more than happy to shop and get shoes and clothes and good food and toys and CD's and more clothes and a new iPOD and computer and a new car--- but DO NOT ask me to PAY for it-- I'm afraid. I have a fear of payment. I love to GET things, but my "fear" comes in giving. But please keep giving, don't stop giving, give me give me give me-- because I'm "scared." Give-- you might fix me! They suddenly become "afraid" when it comes to giving. Selfish? Spolied? Maybe. Lazy? Probably. But it works. Women tend to give til it hurts, hoping it will only hurt til it gives. I always ask, who cares what their problem is--- why are you with someone who isn't giving?
  10. Uh-oh Better tell your girlfriend that I also looked at her posts! This is a public forum-- if she had anything to keep private, then she took her chances by posting things here-- possibly HOPING you would read them. She avoids having to actually speak to you, and you get to know what she's thinking. If you two are so afraid to talk to each other and discuss things, then maybe posting and reading each other's messages at least gets SOME form of communication going. I'm going to guess you bother are under age 20? Being able to be open and speak you mind and express your emotions and stand up for what you think and feel comes with experience and maturity.
  11. Three words: Family Law Attorney. Feelings aside, you need to talk to someone ASAP to protect yourself and your baby. "He has made up his mind and does not want anything to do with me. However, he mentioned that if we are menat to be we can be together in the future. " is NOT a good gamble for your future. Seek legal advise.
  12. "Closing your eyes and following your heart" seems a bit risky-- it almost means to be blind and ignore reality. The heart can make some pretty dumb decisions because it doesn't have the capacity to THINK. Next time, maybe keep your eyes wide open and follow your brain--- usually the brain is pretty good at making smart decisions. How do you move on? You just do. You start doing other things, keeping yourself busy, getting new hobbies, learning something, going places, making yourself a more fun, interesting, intelligent person, and keep your eyes wide open so you become wise and experienced.
  13. Our arguments were 95% of the time about her kids pretty much sums up why the relationship ended, don't you think? Aside from that, from what you wrote in your post, this woman could or should never have been considered a "healthy, stable, realtionship-quality" woman: She left and came back to you twice before She doesn't have custody of her kids She divorced her husband and left her kids She comes from a very dysfunctional family She has moved 8 times in 2.5 years She would never discipline them (her kids) She wouldn't teach them anything (her kids) She never backed you up on anything and- She would get mad at you instead She was never willing to compromise She isn't ready for a commited family type relationship She just needs her space So.... given the facts as you presented them here, what is it about this woman that would make you think that you can "save" her or try to carry on with some sort of "relationship" with her? Am I the only one who sees a bigger issue here? I'm not too concerned about her kids at the moment; I'm wondering why you put yourself in this situation, and why you might hope to keep this woman in your life? She's got a pretty solid track record of being a flake-- what is it that you expect or want from her?
  14. Maybe you should address your own issues first, before getting involved or "falling in love" with someone after only 60 days. You might find you make better choices in men when you clear up your own past issues. Otherwise, the HEAvy baggage you mentioned is just another burden you carry into yet another relationship. Anyway, that said, my opinion is: 1- A messy house = messy life = not able to grow up. Most normal adults might live with some clutter, or let things go from time to time, but a person who claims their house is too filthy to have guests has some real issues. OR--- 2- If that's his "excuse" to keep you at arm's length or hide his life from you, it seems weird, and somewhat deceitful. Why set yourself up for more weirdness later? If the issue is not actually a messy house, then the fact that he's trying to hide something from you is more of a red flag. Good luck
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