Feeling devastated after breaking up with a guy

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

The thing is that when going out with people through dating apps they tend get bored quickly if you don't keep in touch with them I think. That's why I try to keep in touch with them between dates. I don't have much experience about the dating world so I may be wrong about that.

I would keep in touch if you have another date planned and less is more.  I think it's boring to exchange mundane texts all day.  Get to know the person in person and maybe do a phone call in between dates.

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, AGrPerson said:

Thank you for your reply! I'll keep that in mind! It's just that he was so excited and seemed so sincere when telling those words to me that I was sure he meant each one of them.

You were "sure" about someone you'd never even met in person yet?  How?  Based on the things he typed to you and said to you over the phone?

Please, in the future, don't rely on someone you've only communicated with over electronic devices and/or only seen in person for a few hours to validate you or to determine your worth.  And don't be so overeager to "get" a boyfriend that you jump on the first guy who comes along.  Also know someone who comes on that strong is either insincere or will flame out just as quickly as he came on.  It's not real.

[AGrPerson]

15 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Were you intimate the first time you two met? If so, then you can clearly see he's the type that pours it on thick and fast because he doesn't want to wait months to achieve his goal of bedding and bailing.

If this is what happened, practicing a better way of dating will serve you better. I'm assuming you want a long-term partner, so if you want someone likeminded, that man will show indicators of this. He will be asking you on dates in public, getting to all about you. Yes, he will look forward to being intimate, but he will be patient. When chemistry is strong, your willpower might be low, so try to stay out of each others homes for 4 or 5 dates to prevent being intimate too soon. No guarantees, but players might lose interest before this or begin to pressure you, so those red flags can have YOU bailing before you give a guy the gift of your body.

With the right guy, you don't have to play hard-to-get games and act opposite of what you're comfortable with. You really need to get a better mindset, exuding your self-love, by thinking that you will be yourself and if a guy doesn't appreciate that, it's good to know now so you can find the guy who loves you just as you are and treats you like the special person you are.

What are your standards? If you haven't thought about them, it's a good time to write them down and stick to them. I'm happy you dumped him after his behavior, but there is still room for improvement  because you're upset it didn't work out with a jerk, and are still wondering what is wrong with you that he acted like a flake. Read some books on how to achieve a better self-worth. If you don't, you will never be successful in the dating world.

Put just as much effort into finding new friends and hobbies right now, because it will be too suffocating for a man to be your everything at the moment. Good luck.

We just kissed the first time we met, but he said that he would like us to get in a relationship in about a month from our first date. He never pressured me about being intimate with each other.

Yes I want a long-term partner and he showed off as an ideal one at the start. He was saying that he seeks a relationship and asked many questions about me and my life. This changed after the first week of going out with him though.

Thank you for your suggestions! I've started reading about self-worth and self-confidence. For starters, I know I'm getting anxiously attached to people and that I'm codependent, and I want to try and work on those two things.

 

[AGrPerson]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I would keep in touch if you have another date planned and less is more.  I think it's boring to exchange mundane texts all day.  Get to know the person in person and maybe do a phone call in between dates.

I see. I'll try that. In the case of this guy he was the one insisting to send good morning and good night texts to each other, and calling every day, which resulted in us talking too much between dates.

[AGrPerson]

6 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

You were "sure" about someone you'd never even met in person yet?  How?  Based on the things he typed to you and said to you over the phone?

Please, in the future, don't rely on someone you've only communicated with over electronic devices and/or only seen in person for a few hours to validate you or to determine your worth.  And don't be so overeager to "get" a boyfriend that you jump on the first guy who comes along.  Also know someone who comes on that strong is either insincere or will flame out just as quickly as he came on.  It's not real.

Yeah, I tend to get emotionally attached to people easily. So when he started saying all those things I got infatuated with him.

Thank you for your valuable suggestions! Now that I've experienced something like this, I believe I'll be more cautious in the future.

[Andrina]

Yes, you have a lot more work to do when you say you're "devastated" because of a 3 week dating experience. Especially as you spent mere hours in person and shared one kiss.

Good that you now have this experience tucked under your belt, where you have learned things. You've learned what a guy says at these beginning stages is all fantasy unless you actually get to the reality part, which is usually if you two actually make it beyond 6 months.

Not that you have to put severe emotional barriers up, but you should be guarding your heart until you see if the relationship has the legs to move beyond the honeymoon stage. Have a more casual, wait-and-see attitude, telling yourself that time will reveal all, and that you will be resilient enough to handle anything.

You never know which man will end up being the keeper. It's rare to find the keeper on the first go-around. But keep cutting the losers loose quickly in order to be free for when the right guy comes along. You might want to try Meetup.com groups in your area, both for meeting singles and friends. It's usually less stressful than OLD.

[catfeeder]

15 hours ago, AGrPerson said:

...making future plans, making plans to meet his parents, insisting that we should go on vacation during the summer, texting consistently and phone calling frequently. All these before our first date.

This is the kind of 'stranger danger' that adults warn children about--being 'lured' by a total stranger who pretends to be overly familiar with you.

The goal of 'dating' is to get to know someone, not to plot out the timeline of a relationship you're supposedly going to have with someone you don't even know. 

Research 'love bombing' according to the National Domestic Violence Hotline .

[AGrPerson]

2 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

This is the kind of 'stranger danger' that adults warn children about--being 'lured' by a total stranger who pretends to be overly familiar with you.

The goal of 'dating' is to get to know someone, not to plot out the timeline of a relationship you're supposedly going to have with someone you don't even know. 

Research 'love bombing' according to the National Domestic Violence Hotline .

Thank you for your reply! Yeah, it felt really overwhelming and awkward at times.

I've heard the term 'love bombing' before. I'm not sure though that all this was intentional though, or that he wanted to manipulate me. I would say it was probably infatuation and not love bombing.

[Batya33]

43 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

I see. I'll try that. In the case of this guy he was the one insisting to send good morning and good night texts to each other, and calling every day, which resulted in us talking too much between dates.

No again it's  a choice. You chose to go along with what he wanted.  The result  of your choice was talking too much.  You can say -I have in many situations - "great to hear from you.  I don't have much time to text during the day and I look forward to meeting up on ____!" 

You really do have to get out of the passive mindset - JMHO - to have healthy relationships.  Certain things in life we cannot control.  Our feelings. A sudden sneeze.  A startle reflex.  But we can control how we react to our feelings.  We can choose how to act and react and if you know what your specific personal standards and boundaries are then it makes it easier.  

I'm a married momma.  I make choices almost daily as to how to act and react to my feelings with the goals of being an even better wife and mother. I deal with feelings of guilt (should I stop my son from texting me incessantly after I said NO?),.

I question my newer standards of turning off my phone by 9pm or earlier, not taking phone calls at night other than in an emergency or if it's my mom who can't catch up during the day, I've said no to a neighbor who wanted an accountability partner for working out -more than once  - asserting boundaries is hard but people respect you when you do and don't respect the sort of "ugh I told you I didn't want to go out tonight but you kept insisting" or "I guess if HE wants to do good morning and good night texts I should because if I tell him it doesn't work with my schedule what if he loses interest if I'm not on board with this constant keeping in touch as if we were some joined at the hip married couple with no life?"  

You probably liked being showered with texts -you thought it meant he was interested in you as a person and as a potentially serious girlfriend.  It might be it might not and if it's a stranger I'd wonder if the person is actually interested in me.  Or some sort of fantasy.

[Batya33]

28 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

Thank you for your reply! Yeah, it felt really overwhelming and awkward at times.

I've heard the term 'love bombing' before. I'm not sure though that all this was intentional though, or that he wanted to manipulate me. I would say it was probably infatuation and not love bombing.

Does it matter?  Adults can feel infatuated and choose how to respond to those feelings.

[AGrPerson]

24 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

No again it's  a choice. You chose to go along with what he wanted.  The result  of your choice was talking too much.  You can say -I have in many situations - "great to hear from you.  I don't have much time to text during the day and I look forward to meeting up on ____!" 

You really do have to get out of the passive mindset - JMHO - to have healthy relationships.  Certain things in life we cannot control.  Our feelings. A sudden sneeze.  A startle reflex.  But we can control how we react to our feelings.  We can choose how to act and react and if you know what your specific personal standards and boundaries are then it makes it easier.  

I'm a married momma.  I make choices almost daily as to how to act and react to my feelings with the goals of being an even better wife and mother. I deal with feelings of guilt (should I stop my son from texting me incessantly after I said NO?),.

I question my newer standards of turning off my phone by 9pm or earlier, not taking phone calls at night other than in an emergency or if it's my mom who can't catch up during the day, I've said no to a neighbor who wanted an accountability partner for working out -more than once  - asserting boundaries is hard but people respect you when you do and don't respect the sort of "ugh I told you I didn't want to go out tonight but you kept insisting" or "I guess if HE wants to do good morning and good night texts I should because if I tell him it doesn't work with my schedule what if he loses interest if I'm not on board with this constant keeping in touch as if we were some joined at the hip married couple with no life?"  

You probably liked being showered with texts -you thought it meant he was interested in you as a person and as a potentially serious girlfriend.  It might be it might not and if it's a stranger I'd wonder if the person is actually interested in me.  Or some sort of fantasy.

I understand your point that I should create boundaries with people, and I have to admit that I am still weak in doing that even though I'm making progress in fixing it.

I indeed liked being showered with texts and attention cause I thought it mean he was interested, and I became anxious when it suddenly stopped being that way.

I tried having a talk with him in order to discuss how we can communicate effectively with each other since it seemed that he preferred talking through the phone rather than via texting, while I was more of a texter. I also wanted to express my feelings towards him not keeping his promises. But, he kept postponing the talk to the next day, saying excuses every time like he doesn't want to get hurt, or that he is too sad to do that kind of talking.

[catfeeder]

53 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

I've heard the term 'love bombing' before. I'm not sure though that all this was intentional though, or that he wanted to manipulate me. I would say it was probably infatuation and not love bombing.

The ‘why’ doesn’t matter, the effect is the same. A stranger is a stranger, and you took the bait. That doesn’t make you a bad person, but it means you’re using bad judgment. That’s the thing to learn from this rather than harming yourself emotionally over a fantasy.

When someone doesn’t even know you, then just as it’s not ‘you’ they possibly love, it’s also not you they can reject.

Just as easily as one can form a fantasy ‘around’ a celebrity from afar, they can target someone else the next day.

So don’t mess around with people who clearly live in fantasies.

[AGrPerson]

5 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

The ‘why’ doesn’t matter, the effect is the same. A stranger is a stranger, and you took the bait. That doesn’t make you a bad person, but it means you’re using bad judgment. That’s the thing to learn from this rather than harming yourself emotionally over a fantasy.

When someone doesn’t even know you, then just as it’s not ‘you’ they possibly love, it’s also not you they can reject.

Just as easily as one can form a fantasy ‘around’ a celebrity from afar, they can target someone else the next day.

So don’t mess around with people who clearly live in fantasies.

I see. I think I now understand better how people who are like this think and act.

During the last days before I broke up with him, he suggested taking it slower in order to get to know each other first. Do you think I should have agreed to that?

[catfeeder]

8 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

I see. I think I now understand better how people who are like this think and act.

During the last days before I broke up with him, he suggested taking it slower in order to get to know each other first. Do you think I should have agreed to that?

No, you're missing the point. I would have stopped messaging and wouldn't have agreed to meet him in the first place. He was fantasizing and too creepy.

It might be helpful for you to connect the words 'fantasy' with 'fanatic'--or a 'fan' who believes that they have a personal relationship with a stranger.

When someone is not focused in 'reality' they CAN harm you.

[AGrPerson]

14 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

No, you're missing the point. I would have stopped messaging and wouldn't have agreed to meet him in the first place. He was fantasizing and too creepy.

It might be helpful for you to connect the words 'fantasy' with 'fanatic'--or a 'fan' who believes that they have a personal relationship with a stranger.

When someone is not focused in 'reality' they CAN harm you.

I'm being curious. How people who behave like that can hurt you?

[Batya33]

26 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

I see. I think I now understand better how people who are like this think and act.

During the last days before I broke up with him, he suggested taking it slower in order to get to know each other first. Do you think I should have agreed to that?

No because his suggestion was because he was losing interest. Wrong direction. Totally fine to express you’re not a fan of seeing each other daily if that comes up. I’m not a fan of “taking it slow” because that signals to me some general issues that might not be consistent with a healthy dating situation. The person might not be available to date or jaded from a past bad experience. I’ve certainly told a man when I was dating “I’d love to get together at my house for dinner and I’m not yet ready to have sex”. That way there’s no awkwardness or mixed signals. 
It’s not an issue if the two people are available to date. There’s then a give and take and a comfort level saying “I had a great time last night and getting together today probably isn’t a great idea. How about (3 days from now )”

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, AGrPerson said:

I'm being curious. How people who behave like that can hurt you?

Because they can make promises about exclusivity then renege once sex happens. That can hurt a lot ! They can bombard you with invitations to meet family and friends and coworkers and you might agree and think the actions are consistent with genuine intentions but they’re not. So then the person suddenly goes cold. That hurts !

[AGrPerson]

7 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

No because his suggestion was because he was losing interest. Wrong direction. Totally fine to express you’re not a fan of seeing each other daily if that comes up. I’m not a fan of “taking it slow” because that signals to me some general issues that might not be consistent with a healthy dating situation. The person might not be available to date or jaded from a past bad experience. I’ve certainly told a man when I was dating “I’d love to get together at my house for dinner and I’m not yet ready to have sex”. That way there’s no awkwardness or mixed signals. 
It’s not an issue if the two people are available to date. There’s then a give and take and a comfort level saying “I had a great time last night and getting together today probably isn’t a great idea. How about (3 days from now )”

That's how it seemed to me, that he was losing interest. He had many things going on too, like starting a new job, but I think he could just make room for a date with me once a week if he was interested in getting to know me.

[rainbowsandroses]

@AGrPersonchiming in to say I've had men come on the way your guy did, before meeting if we met online or after if we met IRL on first date. 

You would not believe what some men have said to me.  One man professed his love and proposed marriage on first date and was serious!  

The things said to me online before an in-person meet were equally as bizarre.  Shakespearean-like, straight from your favorite romantic poet.

I took it ALL with a huge grain of salt (i.e not seriously).  Even if at first I pretended I did take it seriously (for the fun of it) but I would not advise that.  Simply next him.

You must realize such men (and women) are 'fantasy-driven' versus 'reality-driven' as the truth is he doesn't know you from Adam, you could be an alien from another planet for all he knows!  

He's basing this "infatuation" on nothing more than a fantasy he has conjured up in his own head because that's what's comfortable for some people. 

Reality either scares them or turns them off, or perhaps both.

Anyway, big lesson learned, right? 

It's all good, you're doing great. 😀

[AGrPerson]

8 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Because they can make promises about exclusivity then renege once sex happens. That can hurt a lot ! They can bombard you with invitations to meet family and friends and coworkers and you might agree and think the actions are consistent with genuine intentions but they’re not. So then the person suddenly goes cold. That hurts !

Or renege when they see that the other person starts reciprocating their interest, right?

[Andrina]

17 hours ago, AGrPerson said:

After the first week ended he started being inconsistent about his texting, cutting conversations abruptly, replying late or never replying. When I confronted him about that he didn't want to discuss it, and after pressuring him he said that that's his communication style. He would also make simple promises and never keep them.

You were not exclusive. He didn't owe you any particular way of communication. At these beginning stages, you observe the behavior and when you see behavior that doesn't match how you want to be in a dating situation, simply realize this person isn't for you. 

You shouldn't be so invested in this stage where you're trying to form what you want as if he's a piece of clay to be contorted into what you desire. Confronting? Pressuring? Calling someone out over broken promises? If you feel the need to do this after weeks of knowing someone, it means you should no longer put effort into something that's not promising nor enjoyable. You simply say to him, "This is not working for me. I wish you well."

[AGrPerson]

2 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

@AGrPersonchiming in to say I've had men come on the way your guy did, before meeting if we met online or after if we met IRL on first date. 

You would not believe what some men have said to me.  One man professed his love and proposed marriage on first date and was serious!  

The things said to me online before an in-person meet were equally as bizarre.  Shakespearean-like, straight from your favorite romantic poet.

I took it ALL with a huge grain of salt (i.e not seriously).  Even if at first I pretended I did take it seriously (for the fun of it) but I would not advise that.  Simply next him.

You must realize such men (and women) are 'fantasy-driven' versus 'reality-driven' as the truth is he doesn't know you from Adam, you could be an alien from another planet for he knows!  

He's basing this "infatuation" on nothing more than a fantasy he has conjured up in his own head because that's what's comforting for some people. 

Reality either scares them or turns them off, or perhaps both.

Anyway, big lesson learned, right? 

It's all good, you're doing great. 😀

Thank you for your reply! Did you end up continuing going out with any of them? If yes, how did it go? Was there any case were the person ended up being someone worthy of your time?

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, AGrPerson said:

I want a long-term partner and he showed off as an ideal one at the start

No, actually,, he showed you the opposite. 

Why? Because someone who would make an ideal partner long-term is not someone who makes impuslive choices, lives in Relationship FantasyLand in their head or makes big promises when they have never even met you. That is the very definition of someone who should be immediately ruled out as a partner. 

The problem is that you liked what he was saying, but you didn't really stop to think what this problematic behaviour indicated about him. 

In the future, avoid men who come on way too strongly like this. 

[AGrPerson]

12 minutes ago, Andrina said:

You were not exclusive. He didn't owe you any particular way of communication. At these beginning stages, you observe the behavior and when you see behavior that doesn't match how you want to be in a dating situation, simply realize this person isn't for you. 

You shouldn't be so invested in this stage where you're trying to form what you want as if he's a piece of clay to be contorted into what you desire. Confronting? Pressuring? Calling someone out over broken promises? If you feel the need to do this after weeks of knowing someone, it means you should no longer put effort into something that's not promising nor enjoyable. You simply say to him, "This is not working for me. I wish you well."

I understand your point. I just wanted us to find a way to communicate cause every time I tried to approach him I felt there was a barrier between us. It was a way for me to set boundaries about what it is that I want when going out with someone.

I thought that since he told me that he wants us not to talk or go out with other people and said at the start that he wanted us to talk every day, I had the right to ask him what's going on when things started to change.

Do you mean it was too soon to discuss something like that, or that having the need to discuss things so early was an indicator that he wasn't the right person for me?

[rainbowsandroses]

Just now, AGrPerson said:

Thank you for your reply! Did you end up continuing going out with any of them?

No!  If it was online, it eventually faded, as I knew and expected it would.  

You simply cannot take it seriously, that's my best advice.  Even if/when you feel drawn in, it's important to always be real. 

IRL, after that one man professed his love and proposed marriage, I politely excused myself and left.

Same when other men did similar.  It's easy to be flattered, but again you must realize it is NOT real.

How could it be?  He doesn't know you, it's all a fantasy.