Feeling devastated after breaking up with a guy

AGrPerson · February 10

I've been dating a guy I met on dating apps for about 3 weeks.

During the first week he would tell me compliments like how beautiful I am, how lucky he is to have met me, making future plans, making plans to meet his parents, insisting that we should go on vacation during the summer, texting consistently and phone calling frequently. All these before our first date. He also set some boundaries like we won't be talking, or going out with other people.

During our first date he said that after a month it would be a good time to start a relationship with each other. All these happened consistently during the first week (compliments, texting and calling).

After the first week ended he started being inconsistent about his texting, cutting conversations abruptly, replying late or never replying. When I confronted him about that he didn't want to discuss it, and after pressuring him he said that that's his communication style. He would also make simple promises and never keep them.

He stopped making compliments and future talking. He would prioritize everything else (friends, activities, hobbies) and if and when he had time we would talk with each other.

The worst thing happened when we planned a date and he got asleep and never came to the date. That's when I decided I had enough and told him to break up. He said that he is sad and that he wanted us to stay together, but he didn't seem sad at all.

The problem is I'm thinking about the first week and what could have been and that makes me depressed and sad to the point that I want to text him... It was my first attempt to date someone. I would like some advice on how to cope with my feelings. It would be nice if you could offer examples of similar situations you've been in and how you got over them. Thank you in advance.

Wiseman2 · February 10

10 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

.. The worst thing happened when we planned a date and he got asleep and never came to the date. That's when I decided I had enough and told him to break up.

Sorry this happened. It seems like he's a player or a flake. You made the right decision ending it after he stood you up.

Please look for red flags like future talking, excess flattery, constant texting and bombarding you with coming on this intensely

. After 7 days he doesn't even know you so he was insincere and possibly just laying it on this thick to move things to the bedroom. Delete and block.

Batya33 · February 10

I would cope by reminding yourself you barely knew him - and that you dodged a bullet in only 3 weeks. And that you chose to get attached to sweet words from a stranger so that next time you will get to know someone at a reasonable pace over a long period of time so you see them in various life situations that only can happen over a longer period of time - I met men who behaved as he did -wanted the insta-relationship, full of flowery compliments and "future plans" when they didn't know much about me at all -one even took me to meet his parents -where they worked -at ... drum roll - a one stop shop for .... weddings LOL.

When you have a fun fulfilling life you won't have time for this kind of person who is so full on and for no real reason - because they don't know you -you're just - a placeholder.

Also don't confront a habitual flake you barely know. One time - sure -don't confront just ask what happened. There might be a perfectly good explanation. And it should be a respectful normal conversation. More than once in the first 3 weeks and it's not an emergency -big red flag IMO.

In time you will feel better -are you keeping busy?

AGrPerson · February 10

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. It seems like he's a player or a flake. You made the right decision ending it after he stood you up.

Please look for red flags like future talking, excess flattery, constant texting and bombarding you with coming on this intensely

. After 7 days he doesn't even know you so he was insincere and possibly just laying it on this thick to move things to the bedroom. Delete and block.

Thank you for your reply! He looked so sincere and so excited at the start that I was confused when he stopped showing interest. I thought that maybe he is seeing other people (which is okay since we weren't exclusive), but if that's the case why he wanted us not to see other people if he was planning to go out with others?

Batya33 · February 10

23 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

Thank you for your reply! He looked so sincere and so excited at the start that I was confused when he stopped showing interest. I thought that maybe he is seeing other people (which is okay since we weren't exclusive), but if that's the case why he wanted us not to see other people if he was planning to go out with others?

Watch the feet -what he does -not the lips -what he says -over a period of months. He was showing interest in you but he didn't really know you. He might not have been seeing anyone -he crashed and burned because he was excited about the idea of you, the idea of a relationship not a real person or potential real relationship -he wanted to be infatuated in an insta-relationship.

boltnrun · February 10

No reasonable person would make all those ridiculous promises before you even went on your first date.

I understand you're new to dating, so take this as a lesson. A reasonable man will want to get to know you over a period of at least a few months before making any of those types of promises.

MissCanuck · February 10

5 hours ago, AGrPerson said:

During the first week he would tell me compliments like how beautiful I am, how lucky he is to have met me, making future plans, making plans to meet his parents, insisting that we should go on vacation during the summer, texting consistently and phone calling frequently. All these before our first date

This is mental and would have creeped me right out.

It is not sweet or sincere. It is a red flag when some stranger you have never met is making all these grand declarations. It is a sign that they are: A) mentally unstable, B) love-bombing you, C) incredibly impulsive, or D) some combination of A,B and C.

It sounds as though you got very carried away in the frilly words, so let this be your sign that you need to keep perspectve when you hardly know the guy. The fact that you describe this as devastating to you means you need to some serious reflecting on how you got here, and so emotionally attached to someone you barely know: have you been lonely? Unlucky in love?

AGrPerson · February 10

12 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Watch the feet -what he does -not the lips -what he says -over a period of months. He was showing interest in you but he didn't really know you. He might not have been seeing anyone -he crashed and burned because he was excited about the idea of you, the idea of a relationship not a real person or potential real relationship -he wanted to be infatuated in an insta-relationship.

The thing is he never got out of his way to do something together with me. Even on the phone, after the first week, we would talk whenever he had time and mostly about topics of his life that bothered him.

He must have been infatuated with the idea of a relationship yeah, but I don't understand how he can lose interest so easily? I mean he was infatuated for 3 days, went on our first date, he was infatuated for 4 more days, and after that gradually started losing interest.

AGrPerson · February 10

11 hours ago, boltnrun said:

No reasonable person would make all those ridiculous promises before you even went on your first date.

I understand you're new to dating, so take this as a lesson. A reasonable man will want to get to know you over a period of at least a few months before making any of those types of promises.

Thank you for your reply! I'll keep that in mind! It's just that he was so excited and seemed so sincere when telling those words to me that I was sure he meant each one of them.

Batya33 · February 10

5 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

The thing is he never got out of his way to do something together with me. Even on the phone, after the first week, we would talk whenever he had time and mostly about topics of his life that bothered him.

He must have been infatuated with the idea of a relationship yeah, but I don't understand how he can lose interest so easily? I mean he was infatuated for 3 days, went on our first date, he was infatuated for 4 more days, and after that gradually started losing interest.

Because he was never interested in you as a person. He was interested in being infatuated and telling himself he had a girlfriend. So he didn’t lose interest in you. He lost interest once he realized you were available as a real person. He didn’t want to put in the time or effort to relate to you as a person.

Batya33 · February 10

3 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

Thank you for your reply! I'll keep that in mind! It's just that he was so excited and seemed so sincere when telling those words to me that I was sure he meant each one of them.

Watch the feet- what the person does - not the lips.

AGrPerson · February 10

7 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

This is mental and would have creeped me right out.

It is not sweet or sincere. It is a red flag when some stranger you have never met is making all these grand declarations. It is a sign that they are: A) mentally unstable, B) love-bombing you, C) incredibly impulsive, or D) some combination of A,B and C.

It sounds as though you got very carried away in the frilly words, so let this be your sign that you need to keep perspectve when you hardly know the guy. The fact that you describe this as devastating to you means you need to some serious reflecting on how you got here, and so emotionally attached to someone you barely know: have you been lonely? Unlucky in love?

He was indeed impulsive with every aspect of his life. Each week he would be obsessed with something and it would take all his energy and attention.

I indeed got carried away by what he said. The truth is I've moved to a new city recently and I am feeling really lonely since I haven't yet been able to make new friends.

Batya33 · February 10

2 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

He was indeed impulsive with every aspect of his life. Each week he would be obsessed with something and it would take all his energy and attention.

I indeed got carried away by what he said. The truth is I've moved to a new city recently and I am feeling really lonely since I haven't yet been able to make new friends.

Right so it’s safer to go with a fantasy. You have no idea if he was an obsessive person. You only know how he acted in the very short time you knew him and like you said you focused on his words and ate it up. Because you were lonely. It’s hard to make appropriate choices with that mindset. I get it. So you glommed on to this man who whispered sweet nothings.

it’s a good thing overall that he’s done. This way you can make better more reasonable choices next time when you’ve done the work to meet new people in your city and still have a blast ! Take care.

AGrPerson · February 10

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Right so it’s safer to go with a fantasy. You have no idea if he was an obsessive person. You only know how he acted in the very short time you knew him and like you said you focused on his words and ate it up. Because you were lonely. It’s hard to make appropriate choices with that mindset. I get it. So you glommed on to this man who whispered sweet nothings.

it’s a good thing overall that he’s done. This way you can make better more reasonable choices next time when you’ve done the work to meet new people in your city and still have a blast ! Take care.

You believe that it is better to focus on myself and making new friends first so that next time I meet someone I won't be affected by feelings of loneliness into making a wrong choice?

Batya33 · February 10

3 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

You believe that it is better to focus on myself and making new friends first so that next time I meet someone I won't be affected by feelings of loneliness into making a wrong choice?

No. I don’t think self focus to the exclusion of dating makes sense. Making new friends and acquaintances and networking is outward focus. Do you do volunteer work ? I know of many people who met great people volunteering backstage at a church or community theater. I met many good people in my decades of volunteer work.
I made the best choices when I had a fun fulfilling life and wanted to find a man to marry and have a family with to enhance what I already had. Not to fill a void.

AGrPerson · February 10

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

No. I don’t think self focus to the exclusion of dating makes sense. Making new friends and acquaintances and networking is outward focus. Do you do volunteer work ? I know of many people who met great people volunteering backstage at a church or community theater. I met many good people in my decades of volunteer work.
I made the best choices when I had a fun fulfilling life and wanted to find a man to marry and have a family with to enhance what I already had. Not to fill a void.

I think I understand what you are saying! I haven't thought about volunteering to be honest! I might give it a try!

I think I understand what my mistake was. I got swept up by all that ideal future that he presented to me. I felt that he would be able to fill that emotional void I feel because of loneliness. This made me ignore all the red flags.

Batya33 · February 10

3 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

I think I understand what you are saying! I haven't thought about volunteering to be honest! I might give it a try!

I think I understand what my mistake was. I got swept up by all that ideal future that he presented to me. I felt that he would be able to fill that emotional void I feel because of loneliness. This made me ignore all the red flags.

Remember for next time -nothing made you ignore the red flags. You chose to. Own it so next time you know the choices are up to you. I'm glad I was able to give you some ideas! I'm still in touch with people I volunteered with from 2002-08 in my former city.

AGrPerson · February 10

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Remember for next time -nothing made you ignore the red flags. You chose to. Own it so next time you know the choices are up to you. I'm glad I was able to give you some ideas! I'm still in touch with people I volunteered with from 2002-08 in my former city.

Thank you very much for your time! I would like to ask something else. Why did he want to keep in touch with me even though he kept treating me like I'm not a priority and he seemed less interested in me compared to when we started talking to each other? I mean why would someone want that?

Batya33 · February 10

Just now, AGrPerson said:

Thank you very much for your time! I would like to ask something else. Why did he want to keep in touch with me even though he kept treating me like I'm not a priority and he seemed less interested in me compared to when we started talking to each other? I mean why would someone want that?

He probably wants to keep you as an option if he feels like hanging out again. Also it's good for his ego since he knows how interested you are in him.

AGrPerson · February 10

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

He probably wants to keep you as an option if he feels like hanging out again. Also it's good for his ego since he knows how interested you are in him.

I keep thinking whether things would have been different if I had done something differently. For example, I made myself too available. I would immediately answer his texts or calls. Maybe that made him back off? Even though he was the one who encouraged me to talk to him by saying when we started talking that he liked that I showed interest. I tried to match the energy and interest he had when we started talking to each other. But, when we last talked he said that he felt pressure and wanted us to talk and see each other even less. I just feel confused by how inconsistent his behaviour was. And the problem is he didn't offer me some clarity in order to know which parts of me I can improve.

Batya33 · February 10

4 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

I keep thinking whether things would have been different if I had done something differently. For example, I made myself too available. I would immediately answer his texts or calls. Maybe that made him back off? Even though he was the one who encouraged me to talk to him by saying when we started talking that he liked that I showed interest. I tried to match the energy and interest he had when we started talking to each other. But, when we last talked he said that he felt pressure and wanted us to talk and see each other even less. I just feel confused by how inconsistent his behaviour was. And the problem is he didn't offer me some clarity in order to know which parts of me I can improve.

You get to have a say in the pace of getting to know someone -whether for dating or otherwise. I feel like we're going over old ground. Why in the world would you let someone you knew less well than a pair of your favorite socks tell you how to improve? Why would you ask? Sure if you offend another human being you say sorry and if you need clarity as to why you ask "what exactly offended you so I know for next time?"

You were overeager because you chose to be caught up in his insta-relationship and in his "word". Get to know someone at a reasonable pace over a longer period of time. Keep living your life, see the person once a week maybe twice, keep in touch mainly to plan for next time maybe with a check in call once a week and stop the flurries of chat buddy texts. How do you even have time for that?

His behavior was consistent with a person who wants to go at the speed of light because his focus is the thrill of the chase. Once he had your strong interest the chase was over and he wanted to move on the next thrill.

Wiseman2 · February 10

6 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

he didn't offer me some clarity in order to know which parts of me I can improve.

Please don't worry about him. You did nothing wrong. He was just a hustler using saccharine talk and sweeping women off their feet to get them into bed. He's probably moved on to the next conquest. Please trust your instincts that this was all wrong.

Andrina · February 10

Were you intimate the first time you two met? If so, then you can clearly see he's the type that pours it on thick and fast because he doesn't want to wait months to achieve his goal of bedding and bailing.

If this is what happened, practicing a better way of dating will serve you better. I'm assuming you want a long-term partner, so if you want someone likeminded, that man will show indicators of this. He will be asking you on dates in public, getting to all about you. Yes, he will look forward to being intimate, but he will be patient. When chemistry is strong, your willpower might be low, so try to stay out of each others homes for 4 or 5 dates to prevent being intimate too soon. No guarantees, but players might lose interest before this or begin to pressure you, so those red flags can have YOU bailing before you give a guy the gift of your body.

With the right guy, you don't have to play hard-to-get games and act opposite of what you're comfortable with. You really need to get a better mindset, exuding your self-love, by thinking that you will be yourself and if a guy doesn't appreciate that, it's good to know now so you can find the guy who loves you just as you are and treats you like the special person you are.

What are your standards? If you haven't thought about them, it's a good time to write them down and stick to them. I'm happy you dumped him after his behavior, but there is still room for improvement because you're upset it didn't work out with a jerk, and are still wondering what is wrong with you that he acted like a flake. Read some books on how to achieve a better self-worth. If you don't, you will never be successful in the dating world.

Put just as much effort into finding new friends and hobbies right now, because it will be too suffocating for a man to be your everything at the moment. Good luck.

AGrPerson · February 10

34 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

You get to have a say in the pace of getting to know someone -whether for dating or otherwise. I feel like we're going over old ground. Why in the world would you let someone you knew less well than a pair of your favorite socks tell you how to improve? Why would you ask? Sure if you offend another human being you say sorry and if you need clarity as to why you ask "what exactly offended you so I know for next time?"

You were overeager because you chose to be caught up in his insta-relationship and in his "word". Get to know someone at a reasonable pace over a longer period of time. Keep living your life, see the person once a week maybe twice, keep in touch mainly to plan for next time maybe with a check in call once a week and stop the flurries of chat buddy texts. How do you even have time for that?

His behavior was consistent with a person who wants to go at the speed of light because his focus is the thrill of the chase. Once he had your strong interest the chase was over and he wanted to move on the next thrill.

The thing is that when going out with people through dating apps they tend get bored quickly if you don't keep in touch with them I think. That's why I try to keep in touch with them between dates. I don't have much experience about the dating world so I may be wrong about that.

AGrPerson · February 10

38 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please don't worry about him. You did nothing wrong. He was just a hustler using saccharine talk and sweeping women off their feet to get them into bed. He's probably moved on to the next conquest. Please trust your instincts that this was all wrong.

Maybe he was like that. He said though that he doesn't like getting to bed with someone early and wanted us to get to know each other first.

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