Feeling devastated after breaking up with a guy

[AGrPerson]

3 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

No, actually,, he showed you the opposite. 

Why? Because someone who would make an ideal partner long-term is not someone who makes impuslive choices, lives in Relationship FantasyLand in their head or makes big promises when they have never even met you. That is the very definition of someone who should be immediately ruled out as a partner. 

The problem is that you liked what he was saying, but you didn't really stop to think what this problematic behaviour indicated about him. 

In the future, avoid men who come on way too strongly like this. 

Thank you for your reply! I will try to keep my eyes open in the future!

[catfeeder]

22 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

I'm being curious. How people who behave like that can hurt you?

Doesn’t your title say you’re ‘devastated’?

Also consider how safe it is to meet someone who shows you that he’s not tethered to reality. While any stranger might pose a degree of risk of physical danger, someone who’s unhinged enough for future talk isn’t someone I’d want focused on me. If you want to risk ending up on an episode of Forensic Files, then that’s up to you.

[AGrPerson]

23 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

No!  If it was online, it eventually faded, as I knew and expected it would.  

You simply cannot take it seriously, that's my best advice.  Even if/when you feel drawn in, it's important to always be real. 

IRL, after that one man professed his love and proposed marriage, I politely excused myself and left.

Same when other men did similar.  It's easy to be flattered, but again you must realize it is NOT real.

How could it be?  He doesn't know you, it's all a fantasy.

It's really disappointing to see that this is common. I can't understand how someone can be so caught up in his fantasies and not see the reality as it is.

In my case he was literally giving me compliments from the first day we started talking to each other and expect me to give the same compliments back at him. Or he would send a good morning text one day and expect me to send him a good morning text the next morning, because as he said there should be equality.

He also asked me from the first day if I'm proud of him, and when I told him that I don't know him well enough to tell, he told me "but we've been talking for hours, you should know by now".

 

[Batya33]

35 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

Or renege when they see that the other person starts reciprocating their interest, right?

But he wasn't interested in you as a person. He didn't renege.  He was interested in the thrill of the chase.  When that was over and there seemed to be some reality from your end he was done. 

[AGrPerson]

17 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Doesn’t your title say you’re ‘devastated’?

Also consider how safe it is to meet someone who shows you that he’s not tethered to reality. While any stranger might pose a degree of risk of physical danger, someone who’s unhinged enough for future talk isn’t someone I’d want focused on me. If you want to risk ending up on an episode of Forensic Files, then that’s up to you.

I get what you mean. Yeah the whole "experience" was an "emotional rollercoaster" with frequent ups and downs and many disappointments.

[AGrPerson]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

But he wasn't interested in you as a person. He didn't renege.  He was interested in the thrill of the chase.  When that was over and there seemed to be some reality from your end he was done. 

I understand. So when the thrill ended his interest dropped as well. Maybe he confused his interest in the thrill of the chase with a genuine interest for me.

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

It's really disappointing to see that this is common. I can't understand how someone can be so caught up in his fantasies and not see the reality as it is.

In my case he was literally giving me compliments from the first day we started talking to each other and expect me to give the same compliments back at him. Or he would send a good morning text one day and expect me to send him a good morning text the next morning, because as he said there should be equality.

He also asked me from the first day if I'm proud of him, and when I told him that I don't know him well enough to tell, he told me "but we've been talking for hours, you should know by now".

 

I don't think it's common - it happens.  Many things happen when strangers interact.  I met over 100 men in person through online sites and refused to meet people who acted like he did before meeting -but we only exchanged a few messages and one phone call before meeting.

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

I understand. So when the thrill ended his interest dropped as well.

Yes.  And read over and over what Catfeeder wrote. I agree. 

[AGrPerson]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I don't think it's common - it happens.  Many things happen when strangers interact.  I met over 100 men in person through online sites and refused to meet people who acted like he did before meeting -but we only exchanged a few messages and one phone call before meeting.

I see. I don't have much experience in dating to be honest.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, AGrPerson said:

I see. I don't have much experience in dating to be honest.

I totally understand - and you're learning for next time!

[AGrPerson]

8 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes.  And read over and over what Catfeeder wrote. I agree. 

I think that him not showing interest by his actions but by his words further validates the fact that he was interested in the prospect of a relationship and not in me.

What scared me was the fact that we had different political opinions (which is perfectly fine) and he insisted that if I don't change my opinion we can't be in a relationship, and that he was sure that he would be able to change me.

[MissCanuck]

42 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

He also asked me from the first day if I'm proud of him, and when I told him that I don't know him well enough to tell, he told me "but we've been talking for hours, you should know by now"

This is not normal for an adult. 

I do hope you realize this now. 

[Batya33]

22 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

I think that him not showing interest by his actions but by his words further validates the fact that he was interested in the prospect of a relationship and not in me.

What scared me was the fact that we had different political opinions (which is perfectly fine) and he insisted that if I don't change my opinion we can't be in a relationship, and that he was sure that he would be able to change me.

Why did you continue interacting with a person you barely know who would say something so offensive and kind of creepy?

Also it's actions over time -over a period of several months -reliability, how he treats strangers - like a barrista, a waiter, a customer service person.  How he acts around his family, friends, colleagues.  How he acts when he has a cold, when you have a cold.

Also I was always incredibly busy for almost all of the years I dated. I worked more than full time.  I dated very busy and ambitious people.  There was never "too busy" for dating or a potential relationship.  With a person you wanted to be with.

[rainbowsandroses]

28 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

What scared me was the fact that we had different political opinions (which is perfectly fine) and he insisted that if I don't change my opinion we can't be in a relationship, and that he was sure that he would be able to change me.

This turkey would have gone directly to my trash after saying this.  Lord! 

Gotta learn to weed 'em out.  Being fantasy-driven is one thing, but this person sounds completely whacked. 

Trash.  Next. 😀

[AGrPerson]

28 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Why did you continue interacting with a person you barely know who would say something so offensive and kind of creepy?

Also it's actions over time -over a period of several months -reliability, how he treats strangers - like a barrista, a waiter, a customer service person.  How he acts around his family, friends, colleagues.  How he acts when he has a cold, when you have a cold.

Also I was always incredibly busy for almost all of the years I dated. I worked more than full time.  I dated very busy and ambitious people.  There was never "too busy" for dating or a potential relationship.  With a person you wanted to be with.

I was swept up by all the attention and future planning and I just let what he said slide.

During those 3 weeks, I witnessed him speaking rudely to his family. He also described to me situations were he had spoken really rude to strangers and he was asking me if his behaviour was appropriate or not.

I agree with you. Currently I'm not that busy, but when I'm busy, I too find time to speak to someone I'm interested in.

[AGrPerson]

27 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

This turkey would have gone directly to my trash after saying this.  Lord! 

Gotta learn to weed 'em out.  Being fantasy-driven is one thing, but this person sounds completely whacked. 

Trash.  Next. 😀

Yeah... I think he wanted me to be like the image he had created in his fantasy. He wanted us to agree to everything, which in my opinion is boring. 

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

Yeah... I think he wanted me to be like the image he had created in his fantasy. He wanted us to agree to everything, which in my opinion is boring. 

It's not just boring it's antisocial and selfish.

[rainbowsandroses]

2 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

He wanted us to agree to everything, which in my opinion is boring. 

The irony is had you agreed with him on everything, HE would have eventually been bored and dumped you for that.

There is just no winning with people like this I've learned. 

Damned if you do, damned if you don't. 

Better to simply next and save yourself the aggravation. 

 

[AGrPerson]

13 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

It's not just boring it's antisocial and selfish.

Yeah, that's how it sounded to me too.

[AGrPerson]

12 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

The irony is had you agreed with him on everything, HE would have eventually been bored and dumped you for that.

There is just no winning with people like this I've learned. 

Damned if you do, damned if you don't. 

Better to simply next and save yourself the aggravation. 

 

You are right. And it was apparent from the first day we started talking. He said that since he told that he supports a specific political party I should have said nothing instead of criticizing it.

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

You are right. And it was apparent from the first day we started talking. He said that since he told that he supports a specific political party I should have said nothing instead of criticizing it.

I'm baffled.  You continued speaking to a stranger who instructed you how to respond to his decision to share his political affiliation? 

[AGrPerson]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

I'm baffled.  You continued speaking to a stranger who instructed you how to respond to his decision to share his political affiliation? 

Well... I got swept up by all the compliments and future planning. So I let it slide. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, AGrPerson said:

Well... I got swept up by all the compliments and future planning. So I let it slide. 

Right. So with practice you’ll learn not to go for slick and flattering just like you wouldn’t in other areas of your life. 

[Andrina]

3 hours ago, AGrPerson said:

Do you mean it was too soon to discuss something like that, or that having the need to discuss things so early was an indicator that he wasn't the right person for me?

I don't mean that it was too soon to discuss something. When a person is a normal dating prospect, there are things you can discuss about certain things that aren't egregious like how this man behaved. Such as, if a man invites you over to his place on a second date, you can discuss with him that you don't think it's a good idea to go there yet, and you'd rather meet in public. In your case, the man hasn't given some lame excuse about missing the date because of falling asleep, etc., among other extreme traits/faults/behavior.

I meant that he wasn't worth discussing anything with because his behavior was so poor and flaky that he's showing you exactly who he is, and hoping for improvement from a guy like that is a waste of time and energy. Yes, having to discuss the things you say were an issue is an indicator he's not a good dating prospect. 

[AGrPerson]

57 minutes ago, Andrina said:

I don't mean that it was too soon to discuss something. When a person is a normal dating prospect, there are things you can discuss about certain things that aren't egregious like how this man behaved. Such as, if a man invites you over to his place on a second date, you can discuss with him that you don't think it's a good idea to go there yet, and you'd rather meet in public. In your case, the man hasn't given some lame excuse about missing the date because of falling asleep, etc., among other extreme traits/faults/behavior.

I meant that he wasn't worth discussing anything with because his behavior was so poor and flaky that he's showing you exactly who he is, and hoping for improvement from a guy like that is a waste of time and energy. Yes, having to discuss the things you say were an issue is an indicator he's not a good dating prospect. 

Oh! I get what you mean.

Yeah he would constantly abruptly stop answering mid conversation and then give a lame excuse for answering hours later.

Sometimes he wouldn't even answer what I had asked him and start a completely new conversation. (When I told him about it he said that he didn't remember doing it even though he did it constantly).

He said that he isn't a good texter and he prefers talking via phone. I though don't find it convenient calling someone just to ask him a single question, or to say a single thing.

It's strange too that he excused himself by saying that he isn't a good texter, cause during the "infatuation period" he was a great one.

I know that we weren't a couple but I just felt that I couldn't effectively communicate with him. That's why I wanted to have a discussion with him.