Feeling devastated after breaking up with a guy

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

Oh! I get what you mean.

Yeah he would constantly abruptly stop answering mid conversation and then give a lame excuse for answering hours later.

Sometimes he wouldn't even answer what I had asked him and start a completely new conversation. (When I told him about it he said that he didn't remember doing it even though he did it constantly).

He said that he isn't a good texter and he prefers talking via phone. I though don't find it convenient calling someone just to ask him a single question, or to say a single thing.

It's strange too that he excused himself by saying that he isn't a good texter, cause during the "infatuation period" he was a great one.

I know that we weren't a couple but I just felt that I couldn't effectively communicate with him. That's why I wanted to have a discussion with him.

So. If after three weeks of dating someone you cannot effectively communicate and it’s not because of an internet or power outage or because of some sort of speech impediment or hearing issue there’s no discussion. Feeling comfortable talking to someone is BASIC. common sense basic. If after 3 weeks it’s so bad you have to have a “discussion “ about “effective communication “ it’s likely time to move on. Especially since from the beginning  he was “communicating “ how he wanted you to think and be. 
It’s also silly IMO to be quibbling to the extent you need to have a Discussion about what formats to communicate in. It wasn’t about formats it was because you observed him not contacting you as much. After only a few weeks. 

[AGrPerson]

25 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

So. If after three weeks of dating someone you cannot effectively communicate and it’s not because of an internet or power outage or because of some sort of speech impediment or hearing issue there’s no discussion. Feeling comfortable talking to someone is BASIC. common sense basic. If after 3 weeks it’s so bad you have to have a “discussion “ about “effective communication “ it’s likely time to move on. Especially since from the beginning  he was “communicating “ how he wanted you to think and be. 
It’s also silly IMO to be quibbling to the extent you need to have a Discussion about what formats to communicate in. It wasn’t about formats it was because you observed him not contacting you as much. After only a few weeks. 

Exactly! And I understand that he has his life and everyone is busy sometimes during the day, but we would start a conversation, he would answer 2-3 times, he would disappear and then reappear after hours, answer and then disappear again. And this happened every single day.

There was literally no way to make a decent conversation, only via phone during the time it was convenient for him, and he would normally do something else at the same time, like watching tv, reading the news, searching on the internet for something etc.

[Batya33]

18 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

There was literally no way to make a decent conversation,

There was of course. He chose not to make it happen and you tolerated it for awhile.

[AGrPerson]

7 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

There was of course. He chose not to make it happen and you tolerated it for awhile.

Yes you are right in that. I got attached to him and his "future-faking" pretty easily...

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

Yes you are right in that. I got attached to him and his "future-faking" pretty easily...

He may have meant it when he said it.  But that's why I say you get to know someone over a period of time -months and watch if the person's words and actions are consistent.

[AGrPerson]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

He may have meant it when he said it.  But that's why I say you get to know someone over a period of time -months and watch if the person's words and actions are consistent.

I'll keep in mind your advice! I'm just disappointed and sad on how easily someone's behaviour change over such a little time... I keep wondering if I did something that pulled him away, or asking myself what if I had done something differently...

[Cherylyn]

I'm sorry for your hurts.  😪

Even though my story is not the same as yours,  the feelings are similar.  The natural response in one's heart are feelings of resentment,  bitterness,  thinking that you had wasted your precious time,  energy and resources on another person and your feelings of anger.  Those are all very typical feelings post break up or following estrangement from anyone. 

In order to cope,  heal and recover,  I like to look at the situation from a different angle which helps give you a positive spin on this.  Think of this bad outcome as wisdom gained for you.  In the future,  you will know that you've learned not to fall for one's charms so easily again because you know how deceitful charm and over zealous behavior can be.  Bad experiences make you smarter today and in the future.  You're more in tuned with character and not so easily fooled by pretentious behavior. 

Any time a person is too good to be true and over the top nice to the point of being too exciting,  is phony and fake.  Eventually the person wearing this type of mask,  grows fatigued and their true unsavory self emerges.  ☹️

Whenever I've had bad experiences with people,  at first,  I'm angry and then after thinking long and hard,  I'm actually RELIEVED to know what I know now about many types of shady human nature.  I'm grateful for no longer being naive.  Knowledge is power.  Power enables you to navigate your life more shrewdly from this day forward.  This is how you strengthen your resolve.

Feeling sad and depressed are normal feelings.  Block and delete him everywhere so he'll eventually become merely a blur.  Get busy,  be productive and industrious in your own way.  Take care of your health.  Surround yourself with moral people.  Enjoy your alone time.  Then there will be days,  weeks and months where he'll never be in your thoughts anymore.  

You have two choices.  Either wallow in your misery or become smart,  strong and tough.  Choose the latter and not the former.  Be glad that you've discovered his defects now instead of later.  Keep marching forward and be positive.  Be kind to yourself.     

[Batya33]

11 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

I'll keep in mind your advice! I'm just disappointed and sad on how easily someone's behaviour change over such a little time... I keep wondering if I did something that pulled him away, or asking myself what if I had done something differently...

It's normal for a person's behavior to change in a dating context in the beginning if the person is no longer interested in interacting with the other person. He was a person you knew in person for a very short time.  The change was that like many people early on in dating he lost interest.  This person lost interest in pursuing you. 

Therefore -people move toward pleasure and away from pain - once he wasn't motivated to pursue you he stopped interacting with you as much. You're really going in circles here because the only thing you could have done differently is chosen not to interact with a person who showed you who he was right off the bat but as you said you chose to react to a stranger showering you with compliments and flattery and chose to ignore his comments that told you exactly who he was.  

Why in the world would you still want to interact with this person who said the things he did even before you met? As a first impression? 

[AGrPerson]

11 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

I'm sorry for your hurts.  😪

Even though my story is not the same as yours,  the feelings are similar.  The natural response in one's heart are feelings of resentment,  bitterness,  thinking that you had wasted your precious time,  energy and resources on another person and your feelings of anger.  Those are all very typical feelings post break up or following estrangement from anyone. 

In order to cope,  heal and recover,  I like to look at the situation from a different angle which helps give you a positive spin on this.  Think of this bad outcome as wisdom gained for you.  In the future,  you will know that you've learned not to fall for one's charms so easily again because you know how deceitful charm and over zealous behavior can be.  Bad experiences make you smarter today and in the future.  You're more in tuned with character and not so easily fooled by pretentious behavior. 

Any time a person is too good to be true and over the top nice to the point of being too exciting,  is phony and fake.  Eventually the person wearing this type of mask,  grows fatigued and their true unsavory self emerges.  ☹️

Whenever I've had bad experiences with people,  at first,  I'm angry and then after thinking long and hard,  I'm actually RELIEVED to know what I know now about many types of shady human nature.  I'm grateful for no longer being naive.  Knowledge is power.  Power enables you to navigate your life more shrewdly from this day forward.  This is how you strengthen your resolve.

Feeling sad and depressed are normal feelings.  Block and delete him everywhere so he'll eventually become merely a blur.  Get busy,  be productive and industrious in your own way.  Take care of your health.  Surround yourself with moral people.  Enjoy your alone time.  Then there will be days,  weeks and months where he'll never be in your thoughts anymore.  

You have two choices.  Either wallow in your misery or become smart,  strong and tough.  Choose the latter and not the former.  Be glad that you've discovered his defects now instead of later.  Keep marching forward and be positive.  Be kind to yourself.     

Thank you for your reply and I'm sorry that you've been in a similar situation. 

I like your perspective! This situation has definitely make me wiser in terms of human character and dating in general.

I've already deleted him on social media and when I told him I would he got bothered since he wanted to keep in touch with me.

I'll take your advice and focus on myself for a while.

[Batya33]

Just now, AGrPerson said:

Thank you for your reply and I'm sorry that you've been in a similar situation. 

I like your perspective! This situation has definitely make me wiser in terms of human character and dating in general.

I've already deleted him on social media and when I told him I would he got bothered since he wanted to keep in touch with me.

I'll take your advice and focus on myself for a while.

Good -a learning experience. Also get clear on what your goals are in dating.  Do you want eventual marriage or long term commitment? Kids? Or someone to date casually now and again? 

[AGrPerson]

8 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

It's normal for a person's behavior to change in a dating context in the beginning if the person is no longer interested in interacting with the other person. He was a person you knew in person for a very short time.  The change was that like many people early on in dating he lost interest.  This person lost interest in pursuing you. 

Therefore -people move toward pleasure and away from pain - once he wasn't motivated to pursue you he stopped interacting with you as much. You're really going in circles here because the only thing you could have done differently is chosen not to interact with a person who showed you who he was right off the bat but as you said you chose to react to a stranger showering you with compliments and flattery and chose to ignore his comments that told you exactly who he was.  

Why in the world would you still want to interact with this person who said the things he did even before you met? As a first impression? 

I just keep wondering if I could somehow keep him interested in me. I know it's strange since he showed me that he's not a great match for me.

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

I just keep wondering if I could somehow keep him interested in me. I know it's strange since he showed me that he's not a great match for me.

Yes because that's because of your ego being bruised. You might have been able to - offer him sex, etc if he was up for casual sex etc.  Never try to keep anyone interested for any reason - you should never have to convince anyone to be with you or change who you are to make that happen.  

How is he even a "match" as an acquaintance -do you really want to chat with someone who speaks to you in that manner?

[AGrPerson]

19 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes because that's because of your ego being bruised. You might have been able to - offer him sex, etc if he was up for casual sex etc.  Never try to keep anyone interested for any reason - you should never have to convince anyone to be with you or change who you are to make that happen.  

How is he even a "match" as an acquaintance -do you really want to chat with someone who speaks to you in that manner?

Yeah, it might be my ego that's been bruised. I have a habit to always take the blame and think that I might have been wrong or that I could have somehow change the relationship dynamic. 

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, AGrPerson said:

Yeah, it might be my ego that's been bruised. I have a habit to always take the blame and think that I might have been wrong or that I could have somehow change the relationship dynamic. 

He wants you to change.  You want him to change.

How do you not see this was a complete mismatch? 

And no, it's not a matter of "well, if I did this differently or hadn't said that things would be prefect!!"  Because this guy is unhinged.

[AGrPerson]

3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

He wants you to change.  You want him to change.

How do you not see this was a complete mismatch? 

And no, it's not a matter of "well, if I did this differently or hadn't said that things would be prefect!!"  Because this guy is unhinged.

You are right. There's no point in being in a relationship where we have to change in order to be compatible with the other person. I mean everyone makes "adjustments" to themselves in a relationship, but I think in this case we both needed to be different people in order for a relationship to work between us.

[Batya33]

12 hours ago, AGrPerson said:

Yeah, it might be my ego that's been bruised. I have a habit to always take the blame and think that I might have been wrong or that I could have somehow change the relationship dynamic. 

You said you hadn't dated much though? So how did you develop this pattern? Habits can be broken. It takes work.  I am living proof many times over lol.  Even if after three week you could "change the relationship dynamic" (when there wasn't even an actual relationship really) how would that dynamic change the fact that he is a person who behaves in a disrespectful and thoughtless way?

Dynamic - yes - my husband makes poor choices sometimes about methods of communication based on priority - email when he should text and the reverse.  We discussed this situation and he's tried to improve how he chooses to communicate matters that need my attention.  Or someone else's attention that also affects me.  10 years ago I shifted a dynamic when I realized because of a life situation that if he wants to speak about something my phone should be out of sight or silenced etc and he should have my full attention or I should tell him that I can't give him full attention at that moment. He hadn't complained -I realized this on my own and changed the "dynamic." 

I've never ever considered it a relationship "dynamic" where you expect the other person to change who they are as a person.  This person showed you who he was right away -and you admitted you chose to ride the cloud 9 feeling based on - nothing- rather than do a heart-head combo and figure out if this person was acting consistent with being a person of character and integrity.  Reevaluate your "dynamic." 

[AGrPerson]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

You said you hadn't dated much though? So how did you develop this pattern? Habits can be broken. It takes work.  I am living proof many times over lol.  Even if after three week you could "change the relationship dynamic" (when there wasn't even an actual relationship really) how would that dynamic change the fact that he is a person who behaves in a disrespectful and thoughtless way?

Dynamic - yes - my husband makes poor choices sometimes about methods of communication based on priority - email when he should text and the reverse.  We discussed this situation and he's tried to improve how he chooses to communicate matters that need my attention.  Or someone else's attention that also affects me.  10 years ago I shifted a dynamic when I realized because of a life situation that if he wants to speak about something my phone should be out of sight or silenced etc and he should have my full attention or I should tell him that I can't give him full attention at that moment. He hadn't complained -I realized this on my own and changed the "dynamic." 

I've never ever considered it a relationship "dynamic" where you expect the other person to change who they are as a person.  This person showed you who he was right away -and you admitted you chose to ride the cloud 9 feeling based on - nothing- rather than do a heart-head combo and figure out if this person was acting consistent with being a person of character and integrity.  Reevaluate your "dynamic." 

Yeah, I haven't dated much. But, I used to have the same habit with friends too, where even if we were not compatible with a friend I'd try to overanalyze where I was wrong, or what I could have done differently.

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

Yeah, I haven't dated much. But, I used to have the same habit with friends too, where even if we were not compatible with a friend I'd try to overanalyze where I was wrong, or what I could have done differently.

Yes - I would practice breaking this "habit" -it's not serving you and it's counterproductive to healthy interactions.  

[AGrPerson]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I've never ever considered it a relationship "dynamic" where you expect the other person to change who they are as a person.

Well, I didn't want them to change as a person, but I wanted us to find a way to more effectively communicate, cause he was more into phone calling, while I am more of a texting person.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, AGrPerson said:

Well, I didn't want them to change as a person, but I wanted us to find a way to more effectively communicate, cause he was more into phone calling, while I am more of a texting person.

Well I think it went beyond that - you were concerned because he didn't listen to you.  He half listened to you.  He then wasn't as interested in keeping in touch.  That's not just mechanics or methods.  That's substantive.  If he was interested in speaking to you and in listening to you and the only issue was he texted too late at night or missed a call you'd scheduled then sure -that's a basic conversation you could have with a stranger you're doing business with.  You elevated this to some sort of "effective communication" -it's not about that.  You wanted him to be interested in speaking to you and interested in listening to you. He wasn't. 

[AGrPerson]

19 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Well I think it went beyond that - you were concerned because he didn't listen to you.  He half listened to you.  He then wasn't as interested in keeping in touch.  That's not just mechanics or methods.  That's substantive.  If he was interested in speaking to you and in listening to you and the only issue was he texted too late at night or missed a call you'd scheduled then sure -that's a basic conversation you could have with a stranger you're doing business with.  You elevated this to some sort of "effective communication" -it's not about that.  You wanted him to be interested in speaking to you and interested in listening to you. He wasn't. 

You mean that if he was interested he himself would try to be consistent with replying to text, or keep up to his promises, without always making excuses?

[boltnrun]

1 minute ago, AGrPerson said:

You mean that if he was interested he himself would try to be consistent with replying to text, or keep up to his promises, without always making excuses?

No, the point is it was far too soon for him to be making any "promises" other than to show up or pick you up for a scheduled date or to call when he said he would.

He told you a lot of things that had no basis in reality, which was evidenced when you tried to get him to follow through.  

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, AGrPerson said:

You mean that if he was interested he himself would try to be consistent with replying to text, or keep up to his promises, without always making excuses?

You seem determined to make this seem as if there was simply some basic logistical issue here in your three weeks of knowing this person and/or that if you'd twisted yourself into a pretzel, jumped through hoops, figured out the secret sauce to making this person want to see you -you'd be together.  I won't give you input on that because it makes no sense.

People move towards pleasure and away from pain.  People who find pleasure in being around other people play nicely in the sandbox. They desire to do what is appropriate to continue the pleasure of having the company and attention of the other person.  Like what you all learned in kindergarten, yes? Like when you were on the playground remember if you wanted to make friends you came up with a game you could both play? You took turns? You tried to share toys, crayons, cookies? Cause you liked the result - that person then wanted to be around you. 

If the person didn't want to be around you that could be an ouchy - so you walked away and found someone else to play with.  You learned that if you weren't a reliable trustworthy person often people didn't want to be around you whether they were 5, 15 or 25 years old, whether in friendship, at work or in dating.  Right?

You know all this but it's too simple for you -you want to make this into some PhD style psychological experiment involving "Effective Communication" so you can make up some story about how wow if only you'd known how to seduce this man and get him SO interested in you that how could he possibly stop being interested -you'd be together even if you had to change your political opinions, put up with his half listening, etc because then you can ride on the wings of infatuation as sweet as sugar and tell the world -see this Hot Guy wants me!!!! I'm worthy!!!!!

Please stop the nonsense.  You're worth more than lying to yourself.

[AGrPerson]

12 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

No, the point is it was far too soon for him to be making any "promises" other than to show up or pick you up for a scheduled date or to call when he said he would.

He told you a lot of things that had no basis in reality, which was evidenced when you tried to get him to follow through.  

I see. So the problem is the inconsistency he showed from the start. That is what should have been bothering me and not how I could have acted to change his behaviour, right?

[boltnrun]

1 minute ago, AGrPerson said:

I see. So the problem is the inconsistency he showed from the start. That is what should have been bothering me and not how I could have acted to change his behaviour, right?

OK, I'll try again LOL...

The problem is someone making elaborate promises and plans for the future before you'd even gone on the first date.  That is screaming red flag behavior.

And why are you again focusing on trying to "change" him?  If someone has to be change to be right for you, they're wrong for you.  And the opposite is also true.