Reminiscing about ex

[JohnSimons1901]

I broke up with my ex a few months back but I find my self reminiscing a-lot about things. I would not want to get back with my ex nor even sit and have a coffee with her, I wish her the best but I know the relationship is not for me, it was very turbulent. I am M34 she was F36

The thing is if I am dating someone or talking to a girl that I like, I don't think about my past relationship and I focus on my current situation but at the moment I am focusing on myself and can't help but reminisce which is quite frustrating. It was a 4 year relationship and there are reminders and memories which are still a little fresh, I would like to meet some one to create new memories with and focus on the future but I guess this is processing or a feeling of loneliness? 

I guess has anyone else experienced this or has advice?

[Batya33]

Yes- put dating on hold for awhile. Talk to any boys or girls you wish to of course. Harmless flirting with a woman is fine and fun. I went on dates with men who were recently widowed (widowed young) and often I could tell the rebound/reminiscing thing. Give it time.

[Cherylyn]

Yes,  your feelings are very common.  I can't speak for everyone.  Whenever I think of a person after a major falling out which resulted in permanent estrangement,  I often think of their good traits,  good times,  past camaraderie,  joyous occasions,  what they've done,  said or didn't say,  what they've given me and I have wistful feelings of nostalgia.  Then reality sets in.  😒  Their bad behaviors overshadow and cancel out any and all good memories.  That part is very unforgivable.  There are certain seismic offenses which a person can't recover from and the only path to healing is estrangement and freedom in order to gain control and power back in one's life.

I've found the key to moving on in a healthy way is not giving yourself time and energy to look back.  Becoming frenetically busy in a positive way whether work,  being productive,  industrious,  getting something accomplished away from home or in your home,  goes a long way towards past people become merely a blur or eventually not revisiting your brain space anymore. 

4 years is a long time to be in a relationship and then parting ways.  You won't simply snap out of it.  However,  when you start focusing and concentrating on your own life and what you need to do,  your mind will drift away from the past. 

[ShySoul]

"And a heart can't be tested / When it ain't well rested"

The best thing to do coming out of a relationship is to take time for yourself. Reflect on what happened, remember the good times and the bad. Learn from it. Then just enjoy your own life. Do the things that make you happy and bring you joy. It's okay if things still remind you of your ex. After four years, there is a lot of memories and things are bound to make you think of her. So give it time. Eventually you'll think of her less and when you do it won't be with the same mix of hurt or longing. The worse thing to do is rush into something else. It's not fair to you to not take the time you need to heal, and it wouldn't be fair to the other person as you wouldn't be able to fully give yourself to the new relationship. So focus on you and take all the time you need. When you are ready to try again, you'll know.

 

[JohnSimons1901]

9 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Yes,  your feelings are very common.  I can't speak for everyone.  Whenever I think of a person after a major falling out which resulted in permanent estrangement,  I often think of their good traits,  good times,  past camaraderie,  joyous occasions,  what they've done,  said or didn't say,  what they've given me and I have wistful feelings of nostalgia.  Then reality sets in.  😒  Their bad behaviors overshadow and cancel out any and all good memories.  That part is very unforgivable.  There are certain seismic offenses which a person can't recover from and the only path to healing is estrangement and freedom in order to gain control and power back in one's life.

I've found the key to moving on in a healthy way is not giving yourself time and energy to look back.  Becoming frenetically busy in a positive way whether work,  being productive,  industrious,  getting something accomplished away from home or in your home,  goes a long way towards past people become merely a blur or eventually not revisiting your brain space anymore. 

4 years is a long time to be in a relationship and then parting ways.  You won't simply snap out of it.  However,  when you start focusing and concentrating on your own life and what you need to do,  your mind will drift away from the past. 

Thank you for your feedback on my comment. Yes it is strange, its been a few months on and on a random day I can get these thoughts and feelings when they are unwelcome but I understand to embrace them and to feel them is what is best to move on. Focusing on my own life is exactly what I am doing, started a new job, fitness, friends and relaxing in my own time. Time heals and light is at the end of the tunnel. 4 years of memories will not disappear over night, maybe for years to come I will get these thoughts as I have in past relationships just not with the feelings.

[boltnrun]

I still occasionally dream about my gawd-awful toxic ex who dumped me back in 2009. I can't stand the guy and don't for a minute wish we were still together, but in my dreams he's just the sweetest guy ever 🙄 Those dreams annoy me.

Just because someone pops into your thoughts occasionally doesn't mean you still love them or want to be with them. Or that they're right for you. 

[JohnSimons1901]

50 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I still occasionally dream about my gawd-awful toxic ex who dumped me back in 2009. I can't stand the guy and don't for a minute wish we were still together, but in my dreams he's just the sweetest guy ever 🙄 Those dreams annoy me.

Just because someone pops into your thoughts occasionally doesn't mean you still love them or want to be with them. Or that they're right for you. 

I still think of ex's I had in 2014 but this was my first long term relationship so the feelings are sticking around a little longer and I guess I am older also.

[throoawao]

On 2/6/2024 at 4:31 AM, JohnSimons1901 said:

It was a 4 year relationship and there are reminders and memories which are still a little fresh, I would like to meet some one to create new memories with and focus on the future but I guess this is processing or a feeling of loneliness? 

I guess has anyone else experienced this or has advice?

You are answering it yourself, it was 4 whole years, of course it'll be difficult to move forward. Take a pause from dating to spare both yourself and anyone who would be of your interest. Don't do rebounds, they don't help anyone at all. Take time, heal, if you feel necessary, date casually (as in give them a heads-up that you are not ready for anything serious), and enjoy your me-time for now. 

The next person will come around when you are ready for it, don't go out looking for it quite yet.

[catfeeder]

Consider the first year after a breakup as one of reclaiming your own holidays and milestones as well as overwriting memories that you associate with certain places, objects, and even your own senses, such as sounds and smells. Be patient with yourself.

[JohnSimons1901]

8 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Consider the first year after a breakup as one of reclaiming your own holidays and milestones as well as overwriting memories that you associate with certain places, objects, and even your own senses, such as sounds and smells. Be patient with yourself.

Very true, creating new memories is key and improving on your self, I guess this first year apart has been that indeed. Holidays, Birthdays have been the first but I know I feel better for it and sticking to my own path is the way to happiness.