Struggling to continue a friendship with friend since childhood

[TaroBun]

A few months ago, a close friend and I had a falling out based on a discussion around their recent news on starting therapy. I expressed happiness for them and this news. I had gone through this same therapy for years prior though for a different issue (PTSD). I don't really speak in-depth about my mental health struggles with anyone unless necessary (but I have confided in this friend through very difficult times), though I warned them that the therapy they were considering was mentally very tough. It may have been my own mistake to even offer this warning as they replied very meanly to this. This friend has always made very petty and rude remarks, which I have always brushed off, except recently I finally began to return the same attitude. (I will input I have called them out on this behavior prior, but it was never taken seriously as my words were brushed off with an eye roll or with no reaction.)

They claimed it was weird for me to have said the therapy was tough because I had never been through it. They did not know of my therapy, however, they knew about my many years of mental health struggles and depression. Or at least, I would have thought they would have known by now that I had some form of therapy in the past. I will also input that I have been the "therapist" friend for this person, so it is mostly me giving them advice or offering my understanding to them any way I can.

I offered a response which matched the nature of their claim, saying it was weird of them to assume I had never had this therapy since I had just told them my knowledge of it. With that, I told them that this discussion was a sign for me to go to sleep. At the time, I only meant for this as a response to cut off the discussion as I was not willing to fight over something so little, but it was exceedingly invalidating to have someone who claimed to be my closest friend say the things they did simply to be petty.

They messaged me in the morning saying it was wrong and awful of me to have said "this is a sign for me to go to sleep" as it was passive aggressive and a petty response. They had also defended themselves by saying they never knew I had that therapy as I never told them so I shouldn't have expected them to know. I explained the response was not meant to be petty but to cut off the conversation from turning into a full argument. Regardless, it did become an argument. My friend claimed that me saying that the therapy was tough was not what they wanted to hear and that it made them more anxious about the therapy as they wanted me to comfort them, not give my input. This friend said that I never truly listened to their problems and that I always explained or talked about how things felt or must have felt.

I never realized this was irritating to them and they never told me this before but internally questioned why they'd continue to come to me with problems if this was how they truly felt. I acknowledged that these were my actions and apologized for making them feel that way with my actions. I explained my thought process as means to try to have her understand why I would respond in those ways. To me, being understood is the greatest comfort and made me feel less alone which is why I had grown so used to trying to make others feel understood.

Except, my own feelings of resentment for my friend had grown with this. I should have brushed it all off and apologized and left it as is. But they told me I was purposefully being passive agressive recently (always in response to them making rude remarks) to which I responded that I had only mirrored their actions. I told my friend many times of how I previously called out their actions and even provided an example to which they said that I had never once said anything. The argument ensued with my emotions boiling over. This friend had done many harmful things to me in childhood and teenage years and all of the resentment flooded back. I asked them how they could so easily be able to say awful things to me and not expect me to react. I asked if they truly thought so little of me to constantly disrespect me and think of me as lower than them. I canceled my plans with them that evening as I didn't feel comfortable meeting with them while in an emotional state and needed my own time to reflect. They grew angry with my asking, and further made claims saying "how could you possibly think of me to be the type of person to think little of you?" "Why would you think I am such a bad person"

I stopped responding and decided to take rest as this had been very emotionally draining for me. When I am angry or upset, I tend to withdraw from the situation to reevaluate and compose my thoughts. I do not like to respond out of pure emotion as it is very overwhelming to me. Hours after I went to sleep away my feelings, they began to profusely apologize and beg me to answer. Eventually they showed up to my home with their mom in attempts to have me attend the previous plans for that evening. I went with them (from my parent's advice as it would be shameful to decline after they came all this way) and acted normally while with them. They apologized each time we were alone and while I told them we would discuss this at a later date, I do not know if I am willing to salvage this friendship.

While they are apologetic for their actions and wish to talk things over, I know my friend's lack in maturity has caused many inconveniences in our bond. The way they treated me since childhood, invalidated my experiences the few times I confided my own problems to them, was so comfortable in making snarky and mean comments, or even gave me silent treatment while in calls with our mutual friends when even slightly annoyed with me. I feel that if I talk through this resentment I have, they will not be able to take accountability for those actions. I still am uncertain on how to forgive them as I feel burned from how they assumed such little of my experiences even after presently knowing the struggles I've faced.

I ask for guidance on what I should do and how I should proceed. They have reached out a few weeks ago to find out when I am ready to discuss but I told them I still do not feel comfortable nor ready to talk yet. As this is within our university semester, I also do not want to stress them or myself out with a potential break in friendship.

[Wiseman2]

23 minutes ago, TaroBun said:

 this is within our university semester, I also do not want to stress them or myself out with a potential break in friendship.

 Sorry this is happening. Yes, please step back. Unfortunately you've grown apart have gotten into a power struggle and become more like frenemies.

At this point all the barbs back and forth are just wearing both of you down with toxicity.

Please speak to your own therapist about it and please don't play therapist to anyone else. 

[TaroBun]

18 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

 Sorry this is happening. Yes, please step back. Unfortunately you've grown apart have gotten into a power struggle and become more like frenemies.

At this point all the barbs back and forth are just wearing both of you down with toxicity.

Please speak to your own therapist about it and please don't play therapist to anyone else. 

You are completely right. I admit it was immature for me to mirror those actions as it only raised toxicity. I no longer do play therapist and when this situation was happening, I distanced myself from conversations where companions wanted me to act as therapist. I previously told this person I did not want to act as therapist for them anymore too. Thank you.

[catfeeder]

It's natural for friendships, no matter how long they've run parallel, to diverge for periods of time. Whether this happens over a rift or because either friend just needs to prioritize their focus elsewhere for a time, the two most healing factors about the future are time and growth.

If we allow for divergences without burning down future bridges, then the people who will matter most down the road will cycle back into our lives at some point. But we are not frozen in time. They bring some new growth and maturity, as do we.

But nobody 'owes' us an obligation of meeting our ideals.

So I wouldn't cram this argument into some all-or-nothing equation. You are tapping into old resentments and possibly a desire for superiority over this person even despite her willingness to apologize and ask for forgiveness. You get to decide whether she 'must' suffer a backlash for every hurt she's ever caused you in a lifetime, or whether such a thing would even offer you anything of real value.

[Cherylyn]

Some friends were not meant to have heavy,  deep conversations with you.  Or, it's one sided.  It's fine for them to say or write whatever is on their mind yet when it's your turn,  they don't care about how you feel or your problems.  It's a one sided friendship; not two way friendship.  This scenario applies to anyone,  not just friends. 

You have to read people and learn to adapt if you want to retain them in your life.  Unfortunately,  often times,  you need to learn what type of conversation suits them and what type of conversation whether verbal or written,  tends to bother them.  Often times,  caring for each other isn't mutual and there are limits.  Some friends only want shallow or superficial dialogues and others sincerely care to be considerate of you especially if you're the same towards them. 

It sounds to me your friendship had run its course which isn't anything out of the ordinary.  Either keep your friend on the chain by pumping the brakes and altering your behavior or cut your losses and let your friend go. 

I tend to surround myself with people who treat me the same way I treat them which is respect and kindness.  Anyone else including relatives and in-laws are selective and if they don't fit the criteria regarding human decency,  out they go.  I'm done as you should be, too.  Never waste your life on people who don't treat you as if your feelings matter.  Remember this.  🫢

[TaroBun]

6 hours ago, catfeeder said:

So I wouldn't cram this argument into some all-or-nothing equation. You are tapping into old resentments and possibly a desire for superiority over this person even despite her willingness to apologize and ask for forgiveness. You get to decide whether she 'must' suffer a backlash for every hurt she's ever caused you in a lifetime, or whether such a thing would even offer you anything of real value.

I agree with you, it is excessive to make this into an all-or-nothing type of situation as this is only one argument someone can have and over something that should not be considered the ultimate deciding factor.

But this old returning resentment is from these repeat offend actions where this friend disrespected me to my face alongside behind my back in many ways, something which made me believe they did not see me as an equal. In my bonds, I only want to keep trustworthy companions who respect and care for me. I know with experience apologies this person offers gives to little change in behavior and are only meant to keep me by their side. A willingness to apologize is not always a willingness to change and to make things better.

This last part written confuses me. I have suffered backlash for anything that slightly annoyed this person, and rather than speaking it through, I was forced to bare through it to spare their feelings. So I am wondering how I am to give this backlash for each of the past actions now by not wishing to continue this friendship?

[MissCanuck]

This friendship sounds exhausting and has clearly run its course. 

You two do not really get along anymore and there is too much resentment on both sides. In my personal opinion, it's time to let her go. 

[Batya33]

8 hours ago, TaroBun said:

I was forced to bare through it to spare their feelings.

Who forced you?

[tattoobunnie]

On 2/5/2024 at 8:04 AM, TaroBun said:

This friend has always made very petty and rude remarks...

Not a friend.  True friends don't do this.

[catfeeder]

On 2/5/2024 at 10:20 PM, TaroBun said:

...I only want to keep trustworthy companions who respect and care for me.

Hello TB, great job. I believe that carefully selecting our own private values is an important milestone of independence and maturity. And yes, from this we may end up doing some address-book clearing. 

CongrAts on this work. There is nothing 'wrong' with diverging from an historical friend. If I could go back and advise my younger self in this regard, it would simply be to not burn all bridges to potential reconciliation in the future. An ending can be respectful, even if, at this time, you believe that is is permanent.

Quote

...So I am wondering how I am to give this backlash for each of the past actions now by not wishing to continue this friendship?

Walking away from the friendship would not be doing that. It sounded as though you were creating an impossibly high bar for this person to scale--an accounting of all prior historical arguments--in order for you to consider forgiveness in the present. 

You don't need to work that hard.

It's not necessary to build a case for walking away-- from this person, or, in the future, from ANYone with whom you no longer wish to engage. Too often, people believe that it's necessary to 'villainize' another in order to justify walking away. That's not true--it's too much unnecessary work.

All adult relationship being voluntary, it only takes one person to want out. You are NOT required to 'sell' or extract an agreement from the other person in order to exit. Nobody else gets a vote.

Head high, and follow your gut.