Mother, my body, and a beach vacation

[TacticalLinguine]

Hi all. 

Strange title. It was either that or "What the hell do I title this".

I'll be going on vacation in a couple days here. I'll be away for 3 weeks. The last week, both of my parents will join me. 

Now. I'm 25F. Although in general I am confident in my skin, I never am around my mother. She has/had a weird hang-up with my body and how I look. Whenever my shoulders were showing as a child, she'd stare. Or my knees and legs. I refused to wear dresses. Or shorts. Sometimes even T-shirts. When my body started changing, I was ashamed. I felt like my body was grossly sexualised. I felt like a wh*re whenever I wore a tank top during summer or when some of my clothes were just a little tighter (read "not parachute-baggy"). Whenever I visit them at their home now, I always cover up. I never join them in spa visits, tanning at home, etc. 

I feel really uncomfortable around her. It's the staring at my body parts, coupled with her obsession with my clothing. She has an issue with my style, the size I wear. I know my size, she always insists I "size up". "They'll fit you better". It is strange. No, oversized clothes will not fit me better. It's not like she is incredibly conservative. Just the other day she showed up in knee-highs, a leopard print puff-jacket and a leather skirt. Now, I think that outfit was cool. But, well. You know what I mean :').

The place I will be going to, it is HOT and quite humid. And besides that, it is my vacation. I like wearing clothes I find appealing, I like my female figure. I have lots of tattoos that, although not everyone's cup of tea, I like. They are so "me". I think I look good! 

But the thought of wearing swimwear around my mother, other NORMAL clothing like shorts or what have you, I get a knot in my stomach. 

I don't know. What does this obsession look like to the people on the outside? What is it? Why is it there?!
 

[Seraphim]

Why did you invite them on your vacation? 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, TacticalLinguine said:

 I'll be away for 3 weeks. The last week, both of my parents will join me.  What does this obsession look like to the people on the outside? 

Try to enjoy your vacation and tune her out. Try to realize she may have her own issues. Research "Body Dysmorphic Disorder by Proxy"

https://bdd.iocdf.org/expert-opinions/bdd-by-proxy/

[TacticalLinguine]

39 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Why did you invite them on your vacation? 

Both parents wanted to come, for my dad, I agreed immediately. I miss him dearly and we always have a great time bonding/exploring overseas. 

[TacticalLinguine]

20 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Try to enjoy your vacation and tune her out. Try to realize she may have her own issues. Research "Body Dysmorphic Disorder by Proxy"

https://bdd.iocdf.org/expert-opinions/bdd-by-proxy/

I can’t help but feel incredibly disturbed reading this 😕. 
 

None of this makes sense in my head. 

[Batya33]

Oh I'd feel so self conscious too!! I'm sorry! Can you simply say evenly and politely -make it about you "I feel uncomfortable when you stare at me and make comments about my body."

I practiced this once but with a stranger - a younger woman approached me at the supermarket while I was waddling around very pregnant, very tired from a long day at work.  She stared at me "can I ask you a question -what month are you in?" I said "that's personal" and walked away.  I am usually nice and likely too chatty! But I was like -huh? -it's my baby bump and that's a really sensitive question (like what if I'd just had a miscarriage or learned there was something wrong?). 

My mom is very very NORMAL.  And - she makes comments -like mother hen stuff - we rarely see each other (geography!) and it's all about -are you eating enough/you look thin etc.  So more in that vein - comments about what I am eating (meaning not enough).  She is very normal about her body -and it saved me from continuing what was very likely an eating disorder in my late teens.  So I feel for you because what our mothers say can really do a number!!

[Seraphim]

19 minutes ago, TacticalLinguine said:

Both parents wanted to come, for my dad, I agreed immediately. I miss him dearly and we always have a great time bonding/exploring overseas. 

Is it worth it to put up with your mom’s mental illness? 
 

I am not understanding adults going on holidays and inviting parents or adults who no longer live with parents all going on holidays as a big family group. Is this common in other parts of the world ? I am Canadian and it isn’t common here. Once you leave home vacationing with parents isn’t common anymore . 

[Wiseman2]

45 minutes ago, TacticalLinguine said:

I can’t help but feel incredibly disturbed reading this 😕. 

Yes, it is disturbing but perhaps it can help put things into perspective about just being yourself and trying not to let whatever her issues are impact you as much. Enjoy your vacation. Just be yourself. 

[Kwothe28]

I dont think its that weird, I think you have a classic case of "overbearing parent". Some parents are like that and they treat you as a little kid that doesnt know what is good for you. Cure for that sadly doesnt exist. Aside of you just leading your life as you want, or in your case just wear what you want to wear since you are a 25 year old woman. 

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Seraphim said:

Is it worth it to put up with your mom’s mental illness? 
 

I am not understanding adults going on holidays and inviting parents or adults who no longer live with parents all going on holidays as a big family group. Is this common in other parts of the world ? I am Canadian and it isn’t common here. Once you leave home vacationing with parents isn’t common anymore . 

It is definitely a thing in my world but not my specific world.  

[Seraphim]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

It is definitely a thing in my world but not my specific world.  

Yeah; not in mine . We have never taken a big group vacation. My parents never took any with their parents either . 

[catfeeder]

5 hours ago, Seraphim said:

Is this common in other parts of the world ?

Yep. My parents would get a summer house in Cape Cod for a few weeks. The youngest of us (high school, middle school) would go with them and we were allowed to each bring a friend. The older ones who could drive might go for one or more of the weeks. Or I'd stay with a neighbor for the first week, then step sister would pick up the neighbor and me to spend the last couple weeks, or whatever.

TL, I've had the same experience during my younger years with my Mom, who was a beautiful woman but taught me self consciousness rather than confidence. I just tended more toward swimsuits that I could modify (such as sashes around the hips, or convertible straps, or whatever) or cover ups that were light and  two piece or otherwise comfortable. I just decided to own my experience and 'work past' allowing self consciousness to deter me from enjoying myself.

Over time I became the model for her about self acceptance being more important that imaginary critics. 

[TacticalLinguine]

On 1/25/2024 at 7:49 PM, Seraphim said:

Is it worth it to put up with your mom’s mental illness? 
 

I am not understanding adults going on holidays and inviting parents or adults who no longer live with parents all going on holidays as a big family group. Is this common in other parts of the world ? I am Canadian and it isn’t common here. Once you leave home vacationing with parents isn’t common anymore . 

Well I’m from the Baltics. The thought of it being “weird” never even crossed my mind. The thought of never vacating with parents would feel weird for me. We have a big summer house where we spend time at and often join each other on vacations, me with my dad especially. Sometimes family friends. Same goes for everyone else I know. 
 

And yes, for my dad I’ll put up with anything. Just not sure how best to handle this, sometimes I feel like I’m overreacting as well. 

[TacticalLinguine]

On 1/26/2024 at 1:23 AM, catfeeder said:

TL, I've had the same experience during my younger years with my Mom, who was a beautiful woman but taught me self consciousness rather than confidence. I just tended more toward swimsuits that I could modify (such as sashes around the hips, or convertible straps, or whatever) or cover ups that were light and  two piece or otherwise comfortable. I just decided to own my experience and 'work past' allowing self consciousness to deter me from enjoying myself.

Over time I became the model for her about self acceptance being more important that imaginary critics. 

Yes, I brought some cover-ups and bought a few new ones in preparation for my mum coming :’). 
 

She already made some strange comments after seeing a picture of my friends and I, at the beach, standing in the water. She is very manipulative and I know exactly what she means when she says things - nothing she ever says is straight-forward. She was “concerned” my tattoos will “burn my skin in the sun” (she hates my tattoos and knows that’s not what tattoos do), she was also bothered by the fact that I was standing up and not hiding my upper body in water. 
 

I brush these things off as she says them, but later they start running through my mind and I get so angry. I hope to reach that kind of acceptance, and confidence, around her. So I can just stop caring. I don’t care what anybody else says, but when it’s my mother, my throat closes up and I just find myself sick-looking. 

[TacticalLinguine]

On 1/25/2024 at 11:17 PM, Kwothe28 said:

I dont think its that weird, I think you have a classic case of "overbearing parent". Some parents are like that and they treat you as a little kid that doesnt know what is good for you. Cure for that sadly doesnt exist. Aside of you just leading your life as you want, or in your case just wear what you want to wear since you are a 25 year old woman. 

I don’t think she’s overbearing in that sense. She doesn’t really like me. She talks behind my back with my siblings, alienates them from me (I have no relationship with them anymore, little sis and I used to be close). She has the sneakiest ways of making people doubt themselves. Just a couple years ago I realised hey, I’m not actually a monster. 
 

Sorry. Venting some. 

[Wiseman2]

28 minutes ago, TacticalLinguine said:

. She doesn’t really like me. . She has the sneakiest ways of making people doubt themselves. 

Try to relax and enjoy your friends and vacation. Unfortunately your mother seems like a damaged broken person who tries to fix her inner demons through manipulation, passive aggressive remarks, making others feel bad, controlling, pitting people against each other, etc.

She feels bad about herself so making others feel bad, evens things out in the minds of people like this. 

When she does this try to take a deep breath and say to yourself, "it's her problem, she's damaged".