"I need to do this alone"

[Ringop]

42 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Now, I don't think you should do or not do things based on how your ex would react.  But think about this honestly; are you hoping this would be some sort of backdoor way to nudge your ex into contacting you?  Be honest with yourself if not with us.

No, but I had a great time with them, mostly him of course. I know things will not be the same, but I think I should say something. Don't want to force them into anything, but also don't want to be radio silence.

What's the decent time frame to wait until writing?

[Ringop]

This week's been better than I've expected.

Because at this moment, if she writes me, if she want to talk, I don't want to go back. Someone who leaves you once will do it again, it's something I've truly believed in.

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Ringop said:

What do you think? How do you approach this?

No, don't get there right now. 

You first need a lot more time to heal. Then maybe someday, you could reconnect with some mutual friends.  Right now it will just look like you're trying to indirectly hang on to your ex. 

You need as much space as possible from anyone associated with her. 

 

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, Ringop said:

What's the decent time frame to wait until writing?

When you no longer have your ex on your mind every day. 

[Ringop]

But wouldn't I come up as rude? 

[Batya33]

10 minutes ago, Ringop said:

But wouldn't I come up as rude? 

No. People understand this happens with a break up. Happened to me on both ends. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Ringop said:

 there was a couple we hang out when we were going there, I really liked them. Should I sent a message to one of them and tell them: Mate, listen, I think you've heard, just want to say I liked you lot and if you are in town in the future, I would love to meet you. This is between us, and if you are ok with that, I would still like to meet.

If they have your contact info why not wait for them to get in touch with you? Especially since they are her friends and she has possibly spoken to them for support. 

[boltnrun]

18 minutes ago, Ringop said:

But wouldn't I come up as rude? 

Rude how? I don't understand why you think they would expect you to contact them after the breakup. Or that you would be "rude" for not doing so.

Sorry, it just seems like you're trying to come up with excuses to be in contact and spend time with her friends. Maybe to keep tabs on what she's doing? Or so you can subtly get them to pass information about you to her?

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, Ringop said:

But wouldn't I come up as rude? 

Huh? Are these people to whom you've reached out regularly, like every week or two, and now you've suddenly stopped reaching out? Have you not responded to any of their calls or messages recently?

This is ex's home town. Why would anyone expect to hear from YOU during HER visit? Just the opposite, it would likely seem suspiciously like you are using them to check up on your ex.

Skip that, and be careful of the stories you tell yourself to rationalize 'acting natural' when you'd be doing the exact opposite. People aren't stupid, ya know...

[Capricorn3]

1 hour ago, Ringop said:

But wouldn't I come up as rude? 

No, not at all. But it may look more like you're desperate.  It seems you're looking for any kind of excuse to "stay in touch".  Don't.  Time to move on and keep your dignity and self-respect in tact.

[MissCanuck]

8 hours ago, Ringop said:

But wouldn't I come up as rude? 

How?

They don't sound like close friends of yours, or they would be reaching out to you as well upon hearing of the break-up. I highly doubt they expect you to be in touch with them, so they likely don't much care if you aren't. 

At this point, you're just looking for excuses to keep your ex in your loop somehow. 

[Ringop]

You are right, all of you.

In my mind it was the right thing to do, but you are right, they know, so they should reach out.

I like the guy in that couple, he is a nice chap and I just wanted to tell that I enjoyed his company and don't want to be awkward between us because I am not with my gf anymore.

On the other hand, just finished my first therapy session. I've enjoyed it a lot, we stayed 2 hours instead of 1 so she could get to know me.

[catfeeder]

4 hours ago, Ringop said:

You are right, all of you.

In my mind it was the right thing to do, but you are right, they know, so they should reach out.

I like the guy in that couple, he is a nice chap and I just wanted to tell that I enjoyed his company and don't want to be awkward between us because I am not with my gf anymore.

On the other hand, just finished my first therapy session. I've enjoyed it a lot, we stayed 2 hours instead of 1 so she could get to know me.

Great news about the therapy, and thank you for updating us.

It's not that this couple 'should' reach out, but rather consider the context if you ever want to reach out to them. Do you already have your own relationship with these people, independent of your ex? Are you ever likely to see them on your own, outside the context of double dating as couples?

If so, then reach out sometime before you visit their area, or extend an invitation for them to visit you. The point is simply to avoid creating a conflict of interest by contacting them during a time that they are potentially involved with your ex.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

[Ringop]

20 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Great news about the therapy, and thank you for updating us.

It's not that this couple 'should' reach out, but rather consider the context if you ever want to reach out to them. Do you already have your own relationship with these people, independent of your ex? Are you ever likely to see them on your own, outside the context of double dating as couples?

If so, then reach out sometime before you visit their area, or extend an invitation for them to visit you. The point is simply to avoid creating a conflict of interest by contacting them during a time that they are potentially involved with your ex.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

There is more likely to see the guy. Her, no chance. But he can't come in the city without her gf because he has a handicap and can't drive (only by train) so slim chances. 

I will not contact them, you are right. Anything I will say to them will be interpreted in a wrong way, so I need to keep on going.

It was a good day, but the last hour I was on my way home and waited 35 minutes for the tram, in an empty station, then 20 minutes in an empty wagon so I felt a tremendous amount of sorrow, of going towards my empty flat, alone. It felt bad.

[boltnrun]

Sorry you're feeling lonely. What I do is think of things to look forward to when I get home and then make them happen. For example, I have a favorite meal to cook for myself. Or I'll order a movie I've been wanting to watch. Or go for an after work swim or workout. Or treat yourself to happy hour. Whatever things you enjoy, set them up so getting home is a pleasure instead of something to dread. 

[Ringop]

This is what I did the moment I entered the house, tried to focus on something else. But the road it was difficult because It was the first night I was doing that route in almost two years when I wasn't going to meet her.

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Sorry you're feeling lonely. What I do is think of things to look forward to when I get home and then make them happen. For example, I have a favorite meal to cook for myself. Or I'll order a movie I've been wanting to watch. Or go for an after work swim or workout. Or treat yourself to happy hour. Whatever things you enjoy, set them up so getting home is a pleasure instead of something to dread. 

I agree. Another helpful focus can be on changing your flat around to reflect your own creativity and desires to entertain there--or just to relax there with new hobbies or foods or ways of enjoying the time that is your own.

I know someone who switched her dining area into an art studio and tv area, while adding a dining area and game spot to her living room. She moved her bedroom around to serve her own needs beyond those of a couple. She changed her bathroom scheme to suit her tastes, and she made it more functional to her own needs.

Consider ways to embrace changes that make you happy instead of dwelling on misery. If you can use help, host a painting party with pizza and drinks, and use the muscle of friends to try out changes that can also work wonders to 'change your mind'.

Head high.

[Ringop]

Doing the full house renovations now it helps, a lot, because I have a routine and things to do. I usually finish late in the evening, then get home and relax a bit, check this forum and then slowly sleeping.

I am super happy I don't have any problems sleeping. Dreamt one night of her and she was refusing to talk to me while doing some stuff and I was sooo annoyed.

[Ringop]

Entering week two and it's been, so and so. There are moments when it all comes back to me and I feel a heartache that really is hard to accept at times, but I keep on going. 

I've search a bit about depressed partners and stories and It hit a nerve. More 80% where the same signs. The same things. The same hot and cold, the same moody behaviour and slowly moving away from the SO. I've read some stories that were 1 on 1 with me and they really hit me.

In most cases, in 3, 6 or 12 months, they reach out, but in many stories, the one that was left behind moves on. I hope I will be in the same situation.

[Ringop]

So the guy in that couple reached out. Called me.

He said he heard and he wanted earlier to call me, but was a bit awkward. He said he hopes inside for us to get back together, but told him no chance from my point of view.

Anyway, I've told him if he is in town and is in the mood for something, he should let me know and thanked him for the wonderful time together.

Dunno if we are going to talk again, but felt good.

[Ringop]

So, short update.

Today is the first month "anniversary". Overall it's been decent, I've been focused on renovating, so had my mind full, but there are moments where it all comes crushing. I didn't block her, I know I should, but I can't. I want and hope to see me doing well. I know it's stupid, but I do not want to get of the radar.

The next weekend I am going out with another woman, I think it's going to be a date. I will just take it slowly, see what happens.

I think I am well and bad at the same time. I am curious where I will be at the "next anniversary"

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, Ringop said:

So, short update.

Today is the first month "anniversary". Overall it's been decent, I've been focused on renovating, so had my mind full, but there are moments where it all comes crushing. I didn't block her, I know I should, but I can't. I want and hope to see me doing well. I know it's stupid, but I do not want to get of the radar.

The next weekend I am going out with another woman, I think it's going to be a date. I will just take it slowly, see what happens.

I think I am well and bad at the same time. I am curious where I will be at the "next anniversary"

You "can't" - no -you won't as you want to be on her radar and social media is how you are choosing to do that.  Enjoy your date!

[boltnrun]

6 minutes ago, Ringop said:

I didn't block her, I know I should, but I can't. I want and hope to see me doing well. I know it's stupid, but I do not want to get of the radar.

You can.

As long as you're still trying to reconcile with your ex you will not be able to move forward.  I hope this mindset is short-term and you choose to move forward soon.

[Ringop]

I do not want to be with her. Ever.

The love, even 1% will be there forever, because I gave her my all. But there is no chance in hell I want to be there again, she had, she let me go, I am not the bad days umbrella. Never.

I've never blocked any ex in my life. I can't.

I have only one explanation: I wan her to see me do well because at some point, she will check my profile.

[Batya33]

28 minutes ago, Ringop said:

I do not want to be with her. Ever.

The love, even 1% will be there forever, because I gave her my all. But there is no chance in hell I want to be there again, she had, she let me go, I am not the bad days umbrella. Never.

I've never blocked any ex in my life. I can't.

I have only one explanation: I wan her to see me do well because at some point, she will check my profile.

You can.  You choose not to.  Not ever having done it -always a first time. Why tell yourself you "can't?" Will you tell that to your next girlfriend who might have concerns?