"I need to do this alone"

[Ringop]

Hi everyone,

Been in this relationship for two years now (both 36) and things were great until last June when my SO was promoted. Since then, slowly stress took over her. First we delayed permanently our desire to move in together, then she slowly became distant when it comes to intimacy. She reached a level close to burnout. During this period I was trying my best to be supportive, but without any luck, she couldn't see I was there for her. I didn't try to fix things, just been there. Sure, there was a frustration building in me also because of that, because we reached a level where she couldn't stay 1 minute hugged in bed with me. After yesterday being awful, I confronted her, told her some things like she needs to understand she is not alone in this and I have feelings too and this is not doing any good. We've been talking about this since Christmas because we failed to enjoy our vacation. So, after a talk, she said: She needs to get better on her own, as much as it hurts. My heart sank. I left her appartment with my things and she didn't try to stop me. So here I am, crying my eyes out.

A little background: there isn't someone else and never was. She is fighting some sort of depression, almost tried to end things a decade ago. I am saying some sort of depression because she doesn't have a proper diagnostic or she never told me. She is doing therapy, but I don't know if it helps her, I've never seen any type of progress since we've been together, so either she is not taking the advices or the therapist is not helping her that much. She is not taking any pills from my knowledge.

I understand what she told me, I really do, but she let me go, she didn't put up a fight and it hurts.

[Wiseman2]

50 minutes ago, Ringop said:

, she said: She needs to get better on her own, as much as it hurts. My heart sank. I left her appartment with my things and she didn't try to stop me. 

Sorry this is happening.  What happened on your vacation? It seems like she's been wanting to end things and wanting you to move out for quite some time now. All you can do is give her the space she needs. Is this the same woman?:

 

[Ringop]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening.  What happened on your vacation? It seems like she's been wanting to end things and wanting you to move out for quite some time now. All you can do is give her the space she needs. Is this the same woman?:

 

@Wiseman2

Yes. Things sorted after that. 

But her work became very hectic and brought her close to burnout.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Ringop said:

@Wiseman2

Yes. Things sorted after that. 

But her work became very hectic and brought her close to burnout.

This happens to many adults- happened to me -I mean work stress.  People who want to be together don't distance from their partners because of work stress. Often it brings them closer together or they prioritize the relationship if at all possible.  I'm sorry you two are struggling again.

[Ringop]

31 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

This happens to many adults- happened to me -I mean work stress.  People who want to be together don't distance from their partners because of work stress. Often it brings them closer together or they prioritize the relationship if at all possible.  I'm sorry you two are struggling again.

Since NYE we had every weekend discussions about this.
Yesterday in the afternoon we had a disagreement because I told her I am tired to be rejected by the woman I love. She went in the bedroom, stayed there for two hours, came back, then in the evening, when she was getting undressed I was saying she is sexy and she replied "I think you are lying to yourself and see me that way when I am fat and ugly" (she is quite fit). She came in the bed and I got annoyed she was rejecting me (I was caressing her, no sexual intention whasoever) and I told her I am begining to think you are doing this on purpose to annoy me. I can't understand how the person you are saying you love is telling what he wants/needs and you refuse to do even a small effort for it.
Then morning came and she didn't want to stay in bed with me. So again we talked about what is going on and she said: As painfull as it is, I think I need to do this alone.

So I left. Reached out in two hours like a fool asking how could you let me leave? And she replied: are you trying to make me feel guiltier that I feel or make me think again about what I've said? I replied: I wanted you to realize I am going and I feel like you let me go. She didn't reply anymore, just seen.

So I was boiling from the inside, I had to tell her. And we had repeatead conversations because I failed to see any steps ahead from her part.

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, Ringop said:

Since NYE we had every weekend discussions about this.
Yesterday in the afternoon we had a disagreement because I told her I am tired to be rejected by the woman I love. She went in the bedroom, stayed there for two hours, came back, then in the evening, when she was getting undressed I was saying she is sexy and she replied "I think you are lying to yourself and see me that way when I am fat and ugly" (she is quite fit). She came in the bed and I got annoyed she was rejecting me (I was caressing her, no sexual intention whasoever) and I told her I am begining to think you are doing this on purpose to annoy me. I can't understand how the person you are saying you love is telling what he wants/needs and you refuse to do even a small effort for it.
Then morning came and she didn't want to stay in bed with me. So again we talked about what is going on and she said: As painfull as it is, I think I need to do this alone.

So I left. Reached out in two hours like a fool asking how could you let me leave? And she replied: are you trying to make me feel guiltier that I feel or make me think again about what I've said? I replied: I wanted you to realize I am going and I feel like you let me go. She didn't reply anymore, just seen.

So I was boiling from the inside, I had to tell her. And we had repeatead conversations because I failed to see any steps ahead from her part.

You two are not a good match at this point IMHO. I'm sorry you're disappointed and frustrated.

[catfeeder]

9 hours ago, Ringop said:

She is fighting some sort of depression...

I'm so sorry this happened and that you're hurting. How much research have you done on depression? It's not just a mood, it's a disease that is physical as much as it is mental and emotional. It's not something that we can love someone into snapping out of. While depression impacts people in different ways and to different degrees, very often people who suffer from depression can barely manage their own lives, much less hold themselves accountable to someone else.

That's why she needs to go through this alone. That's not your fault. It just explains why she needs to let you go.

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Ringop said:

. Things sorted after that. 

But her work became very hectic and brought her close to burnout.

Unfortunately it seems like an ongoing issue. It's just that she needs her job to survive and if your needs or demands or suffocating her stress her out in addition, sadly she has to let go of something. 

[Ringop]

13 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I'm so sorry this happened and that you're hurting. How much research have you done on depression? It's not just a mood, it's a disease that is physical as much as it is mental and emotional. It's not something that we can love someone into snapping out of. While depression impacts people in different ways and to different degrees, very often people who suffer from depression can barely manage their own lives, much less hold themselves accountable to someone else.

That's why she needs to go through this alone. That's not your fault. It just explains why she needs to let you go.

Yes, I did. I even reached out to people to understand what she is going through. But I hit an wall after the promotion she had. In our first year, she slowly opened up to me and became very close. Sure, the mood swings were there, but I felt love and care.

Then things took a turn and finally I ended up here.

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Ringop said:

."I need to do this alone"

Unfortunately you'll have to respect her wishes. 

[Ringop]

@Wiseman2

I think I am doing that. I've said my piece and she did not respond.

The ball is in her court.

[Ringop]

Got a therapist. Monday I start. Any advices?

[Wiseman2]

48 minutes ago, Ringop said:

Got a therapist. Monday I start. Any advices?

Focus on building more independence and boundaries. 

[Ringop]

37 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Focus on building more independence and boundaries. 

Thanks, but it's my first therapy so what should I expect from her? What should I look at?

[Batya33]

15 hours ago, Ringop said:

Thanks, but it's my first therapy so what should I expect from her? What should I look at?

See if you feel comfortable in your own skin when you are in the environment/speaking with her.  Expect her to ask questions, expect her to listen to the answers, expect that she will treat you with respect if you ask a question.  Sometimes a therapist provides stuff to work on in between sessions so that's kind of typical too.

[Ringop]

Thank you.

I want to start the first 4-5 session on a weekly basis, then try to do it 1 per 2 weeks. I feel I need time to "decompress between".  Is that ok?

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Ringop said:

Thank you.

I want to start the first 4-5 session on a weekly basis, then try to do it 1 per 2 weeks. I feel I need time to "decompress between".  Is that ok?

Ask your therapist about the recommended frequency.

[MissCanuck]

54 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Ask your therapist about the recommended frequency.

I echo this. 

We won't be able to determine what is right for you, OP. Your therapist will discuss options with you and come up with a plan that is best-suited to your needs. 

[Ringop]

Thank you!

I had a lovely evening with my friends and I've talked to them about what happend and what's been happening between us (plus there was my favorite dog in the world there also and it helped). Both are doing therapy for years and said I might had come out as giving her an ultimatum by leaving like that. And no one likes that.

What do you think? Did it sounded like that?

[MissCanuck]

58 minutes ago, Ringop said:

Both are doing therapy for years and said I might had come out as giving her an ultimatum by leaving like that. And no one likes that.

What do you think? Did it sounded like that?

Not really, but I also don't think it makes any difference. 

Your relationship was already clearly heading toward its inevitable end. Whether or not you gave her an ultimatum wouldn't have somehow turned this around. She was already done with things, which I know hurts, but you leaving isn't really relevant. It was over by that point anyway. 

[Ringop]

Thank you for your input.

And they've mentioned another thing. She might be bipolar. 

Are these signs of that?

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, Ringop said:

And they've mentioned another thing. She might be bipolar. 

Who is "they"? 

Bipolar is a serious disorder that can only be diagnosed by a medical professional, so hopefully it's not friends Google diagnosing her. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Ringop said:

Thank you for your input.

And they've mentioned another thing. She might be bipolar. 

Are these signs of that?

Please don't throw around terms like that -that's a serious diagnosis - they didn't diagnose her . Even if she was -so what? My dad was bipolar and suffered from depression.  My parents did break up briefly -prior to marriage - and maybe that was part of the reason but they were also so young -teenagers. My parents were married 62 years. My dad complied with meds and therapy.  My dad had a successful career for almost 50 years.  He raised us he did his best. People with mental health challenges can and do make long lasting commitments and commit to themselves.  But to me it's wrong to gossip and suggest the person has a diagnosis like that.  And anyway what difference does it make? 

[MissCanuck]

7 hours ago, Ringop said:

And they've mentioned another thing. She might be bipolar.

No. Don't even go down this route. 

The only person who could possibly make an educated guess on this is a doctor who has done the appropriate diagnostics on her. Not your friends, not internet strangers, not you. It is inappropriate that "they" even suggested this to you. 

Just because she doesn't want to be with you and has been withdrawing for months does not mean she has a serious mental health disorder. Please be more mature and responsible about this. 

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, Ringop said:

And they've mentioned another thing. She might be bipolar. 

Try to focus on your own thoughts and feelings in therapy and what's important to you. 

"They"  (your friends) are using the standard consolation talk of armchair diagnosing everyone's ex with some major mental or personality disorder. As you know, that's absurd. 

The best thing to do is keep doing what your doing. Reach out to friends and family, get more involved with life, focus on more independence and be frank and forthcoming in therapy about your concerns.