"I need to do this alone"

[Ringop]

@boltnrun

I wrote above your post, I've had dinner with two close friends and told them what happened.

@Batya33 @MissCanuck @Wiseman2

I need to point something out. I don't feel hate, remorse, spite, anything like that towards her. Not even 0001%. I love her and even if this is the end, I hope she will find peace and her life will finally be on a right track because she is good human being. So I am sorry If by any chance I came out like I speak **** because of the break-up.

I am asking about bipolarism because I need to understand more about why she acted like that and how I can identify signs early on in my relationship. Does it make sense? I think deep down I want to find out If I ever had a chance or this would have consumed us either way.

My two friends just finished therapy, both of them, after working out with themselves (one if male, the other female) and they told me that they could see on her face she was depressed. Everytime we went out. And I would lie if I wouldn't say that is not true.

[boltnrun]

Attending therapy doesn't qualify your friends to make a diagnosis, just like me having surgery on my knee doesn't make me an orthopedic surgeon.

Whatever the cause of her issues may or may not be, when someone shuts you out like that it's clear they're just not in a good place to be in a relationship. And sometimes it's apparent early on and other times it's a result of circumstances of life. It doesn't seem based on what you wrote that it's directed at you or the direct result of anything you did or didn't do. I mean, it could be but it also might just be where she's at.

I understand it's painful to be basically rejected by someone you love. Most of us have been through it. It sucks. But back door "diagnosing" her won't change anything. All you can do is work on accepting her decision. And be kind to yourself.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Ringop said:

I am asking about bipolarism because I need to understand more about why she acted like that and how I can identify signs early on in my relationship. 

Unfortunately postmortem analysis of the relationship, particularly making up whatever faux mental  diagnoses she may have, won't help you or your future. 

What will help however is your own therapy and examining your roles and needs in relationships. 

[Vesna]

33 minutes ago, Ringop said:

@boltnrun

I wrote above your post, I've had dinner with two close friends and told them what happened.

@Batya33 @MissCanuck @Wiseman2

I need to point something out. I don't feel hate, remorse, spite, anything like that towards her. Not even 0001%. I love her and even if this is the end, I hope she will find peace and her life will finally be on a right track because she is good human being. So I am sorry If by any chance I came out like I speak **** because of the break-up.

I am asking about bipolarism because I need to understand more about why she acted like that and how I can identify signs early on in my relationship. Does it make sense? I think deep down I want to find out If I ever had a chance or this would have consumed us either way.

My two friends just finished therapy, both of them, after working out with themselves (one if male, the other female) and they told me that they could see on her face she was depressed. Everytime we went out. And I would lie if I wouldn't say that is not true.

I agree with the above posters about not diagnosing your girlfriend, but at the same time I understand where you’re coming from. There is a lot of information on the internet about Bipolar Disorder- just research it. There are many misconceptions about it though. There are several different kinds of Bipolar Disorders. For example, Bipolar 2 is not as “extreme” as Bipolar 1. 
 

It’s characterized by at least one episode of hypomania. May have a decreased need for sleep, become very social, are energetic, grandiosity, hypersexuality, however It’s not the same as mania as seen is Bipolar 1. They are functioning at full capacity, unlike people with Bipolar 1. They never show psychotic symptoms either. 
 

Bipolar 2 Disorder is also characterized by at least one episode of major depression as well. The diagnosis for Bipolar 2 requires that the person never experience a manic episode, otherwise, they would have Bipolar 1. 
 

Please remember that I am not a doctor, so the above statements may be wrong, but to the best of my knowledge they are correct. Please mods and admins, delete if necessary. -Vesna

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

Attending therapy doesn't qualify your friends to make a diagnosis, just like me having surgery on my knee doesn't make me an orthopedic surgeon.

Whatever the cause of her issues may or may not be, when someone shuts you out like that it's clear they're just not in a good place to be in a relationship. And sometimes it's apparent early on and other times it's a result of circumstances of life. It doesn't seem based on what you wrote that it's directed at you or the direct result of anything you did or didn't do. I mean, it could be but it also might just be where she's at.

I understand it's painful to be basically rejected by someone you love. Most of us have been through it. It sucks. But back door "diagnosing" her won't change anything. All you can do is work on accepting her decision. And be kind to yourself.

I agree and I think it would be an awful idea to research anything about bipolar -bad path for you to take as I agree with Bolt.  It will likely sabotage any moving on on your part, and might cause issues with your future dating life etc.  Accept that people move towards pleasure and away from pain with rare exception.  For her she decided that being with you wasn't right for her and on balance it was better to move on.  The end.  I have had a few experiences in my many experiences dating and in relationships where I later found out why -definitively -very very few. 

Like for example 10 years after the break up in our 20s "I now know it was because I was in denial that I was gay. And now I'm happy with my [male] partner.  I'm glad we didn't get married."  That was the main reason we didn't end up together. That's really really rare.  Acceptance is hard. Researching mental health diagnoses makes it so much harder IMO.  Good luck.

[Ringop]

Thank you, Vesna.

Yeah, I will my research, for certain.

I think it's important for me to learn to read some signs because, for sure, I need to look forward and I don't want to repeat the same mistakes I did. Because there are my mistakes also here and I need to be fair about that.

I just need to learn what to look next. 

And yeah, I am over analyzing this to pieces. But wouldn't you when 5 minutes your partner is ok, then 4 hours is in a bad place, then another 2 minutes is ok and it's like a rollercoaster. Don't you need to try to find out? Sure, I want to let go, I NEED to let go and every day it's a little better, but I have regrets and I need to face them.

[Ringop]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

I agree and I think it would be an awful idea to research anything about bipolar -bad path for you to take as I agree with Bolt.  It will likely sabotage any moving on on your part, and might cause issues with your future dating life etc.  Accept that people move towards pleasure and away from pain with rare exception.  For her she decided that being with you wasn't right for her and on balance it was better to move on.  The end.  I have had a few experiences in my many experiences dating and in relationships where I later found out why -definitively -very very few. 

Like for example 10 years after the break up in our 20s "I now know it was because I was in denial that I was gay. And now I'm happy with my [male] partner.  I'm glad we didn't get married."  That was the main reason we didn't end up together. That's really really rare.  Acceptance is hard. Researching mental health diagnoses makes it so much harder IMO.  Good luck.

I agree with this. But you know why I can't accept this yet? Because I've never been in this situation yet. I've had 5 serious relationships and a very long list of dates in my life and I've never experienced this. Never.

I've never been with someone who was fighting on the inside with so many demons.

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, Ringop said:

Thank you, Vesna.

Yeah, I will my research, for certain.

I think it's important for me to learn to read some signs because, for sure, I need to look forward and I don't want to repeat the same mistakes I did. Because there are my mistakes also here and I need to be fair about that.

I just need to learn what to look next. 

And yeah, I am over analyzing this to pieces. But wouldn't you when 5 minutes your partner is ok, then 4 hours is in a bad place, then another 2 minutes is ok and it's like a rollercoaster. Don't you need to try to find out? Sure, I want to let go, I NEED to let go and every day it's a little better, but I have regrets and I need to face them.

No I wouldn't play doctor.

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Ringop said:

I agree with this. But you know why I can't accept this yet? Because I've never been in this situation yet. I've had 5 serious relationships and a very long list of dates in my life and I've never experienced this. Never.

I've never been with someone who was fighting on the inside with so many demons.

Yes and this might have everything or nothing or a bit of why she doesn't want to be with you. Maybe she doesn't even know.  Maybe pick someone next time who's not struggling so much. It takes time to move on sometimes. I know it's hard!

[Ringop]

Just now, Batya33 said:

Yes and this might have everything or nothing or a bit of why she doesn't want to be with you. Maybe she doesn't even know.  Maybe pick someone next time who's not struggling so much.

But how could I know that?

After 1.6 years when things were really really good. And I swear I paid attention to the signs.

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, Ringop said:

But how could I know that?

After 1.6 years when things were really really good. And I swear I paid attention to the signs.

You can lessen the risk by picking someone who leads a reasonably healthy life, be blunt with yourself about whether  you enjoy drama/being on and off/hot and cold -thrill of the chase- or perhaps you enjoy the savior/hero role? Yes people can change, develop or resume a mental health issue but the self honesty and taking care with the basics in the other person goes a long way IMO.

[Batya33]

On 1/21/2024 at 10:58 AM, Ringop said:

She is fighting some sort of depression, almost tried to end things a decade ago. I

So you did have this information.

[Ringop]

11 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

So you did have this information.

That I did, but I didn't think she will lose control.

And like I've said, I've never been with someone who was fighting with that.

And about that episode: It's a bit blurry and I've never pushed her to tell me. She did it earlier on when I've opened up, but did not tell me more. She partied and ended up to a police station where she was put on suicide watch. Her parents came, took her and sent her to a reabilitation center for less than two week. Here the reabilitation centers are not how you think they are (we drove past it and it looked like a prison). They are bad. Then they took her home and she confessed to her parents her trauma, she told something to her mom about what she felt, about abandonment & her mom started crying and her father slapped her and told her look what you are doing to this family.

And in that 1.6 years we had only one quirel: it was in the morning, it was a stupid subject, I've left not because I wanted, but because work and she wrote me a long message she felt abandoned when I left. We talked and reassured her I am not the abandoning kind (maybe it was stupid from my part, but felt saying that).

[Batya33]

Just now, Ringop said:

at I did, but I didn't think she will lose control.

And like I've said, I've never been with someone who was fighting with that.

So back then you didn't look into this but now you want to look into something that she's not even diagnosed with? Yes I realize her suicide episode was many years ago.  But I'd have looked into whether she then was stable, etc - but I'd assume she left because she wanted to leave.  And give closure to yourself.  I'm sorry it's frustrating.

[Ringop]

8 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

So back then you didn't look into this but now you want to look into something that she's not even diagnosed with? Yes I realize her suicide episode was many years ago.  But I'd have looked into whether she then was stable, etc - but I'd assume she left because she wanted to leave.  And give closure to yourself.  I'm sorry it's frustrating.

I've respected her decision to tell me only when she wants to tell me about that subject. 

How do you look into whether your partner was stable? Genuine question. I don't know how. I've looked at her, she seemed fine, she was upset with work and wanted to do something relevant to the world. And I've told her go and do whatever you want, you have my support, it's important for you to be happy.

When I've noticed she was really bad, I think it was waay toooo late.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Ringop said:

I've respected her decision to tell me only when she wants to tell me about that subject. 

How do you look into whether your partner was stable? Genuine question. I don't know how. I've looked at her, she seemed fine, she was upset with work and wanted to do something relevant to the world. And I've told her go and do whatever you want, you have my support, it's important for you to be happy.

When I've noticed she was really bad, I think it was waay toooo late.

The basics and you look into yourself. Do you really want someone stable ? Because then there’s little drama. Because then you might feel intimidated if you feel you’re not together enough. Because that person won’t need you in a damsel in distress way. Absolutely we can misjudge. Absolutely someone stable can encounter crises. You only noticed when she was really bad. Maybe next time you won’t stick around as long unless the person is making changes 

[catfeeder]

Even if someone could make some magical diagnosis of your ex, most conditions involve a 'spectrum,' or degree, from mild to moderate to severe. So someone who could manage being in a relationship for a period of time despite a condition, might then experience a rise of intensity in their condition that renders them unable to deal with a partner as before.

OR, they might just point to some condition as a reason for wanting to make a clean exit, even for another reason that they don't want to tell you. So? It makes no sense to speculate. 

Putting your mind through spins is probably a natural part of grieving, but the down side is drilling yourself into a delusion of hope, where you decide that this is just some temporary state beyond the dumper's control. That puts your own healing and goals for a full life on the back burner in favor of stagnation--in the hope of an imagined outcome.

That's the opposite of helpful. Credit your ex for knowing herself well enough to decide what is right for her. It only takes one person to exit a partnership. At that point, how well YOU decide to manage your grief is your own adult responsibility. It is not dependent on any real or imagined explanations 'about' your ex, but rather, it's your time to strive for autonomy. How well you manage THAT becomes its own reward.

[Ringop]

56 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

 Maybe next time you won’t stick around as long unless the person is making changes 

I think I owed it to us. On what we built as a couple.

But I never said I would have stayed forever.

To be honest, in my mind was a small timeline: Renovate the apartment I started working on, rent it, make my life better and then focus on my needs and what I want. And then if we are not alligned, then move on.

So, yeah, if you look it that way, for me this wasn't forever. 

Why stay forever with someone who doesn't want to take the next step with me?! (speculating on the case she really didn't want)

[Ringop]

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

Even if someone could make some magical diagnosis of your ex, most conditions involve a 'spectrum,' or degree, from mild to moderate to severe. So someone who could manage being in a relationship for a period of time despite a condition, might then experience a rise of intensity in their condition that renders them unable to deal with a partner as before.

OR, they might just point to some condition as a reason for wanting to make a clean exit, even for another reason that they don't want to tell you. So? It makes no sense to speculate. 

Putting your mind through spins is probably a natural part of grieving, but the down side is drilling yourself into a delusion of hope, where you decide that this is just some temporary state beyond the dumper's control. That puts your own healing and goals for a full life on the back burner in favor of stagnation--in the hope of an imagined outcome.

That's the opposite of helpful. Credit your ex for knowing herself well enough to decide what is right for her. It only takes one person to exit a partnership. At that point, how well YOU decide to manage your grief is your own adult responsibility. It is not dependent on any real or imagined explanations 'about' your ex, but rather, it's your time to strive for autonomy. How well you manage THAT becomes its own reward.

I think I need to start paying you and the others that responded here. You guys talk so much sense and I see it, even if I am focused on over analyzing anything.

Just give me time in this. I am not going to let it break me.

[catfeeder]

7 minutes ago, Ringop said:

Just give me time in this. I am not going to let it break me.

Yay, you! I think it's important to recognize that healing is not something that happens 'to' us. It requires our participation.

Sometimes grieving imposes a belief that if I let go of the pain, I'm letting go of my last connection to that person. But what about adopting a 'back burner' method of placing that pain aside, but somewhere you can still reach it if you ever want to? From there, you give yourself permission to enjoy your focus beyond that pain, and you can learn what it's like to feel liberated from it.

We can all tap back into grief at times. I still miss my loved ones who've passed years ago. But pain is not my only connection to them. I live to make myself proud, and by definition, anyone who has actually 'loved' me would be proud FOR me in doing so.

Head high, R, and write more if it helps.

[boltnrun]

19 minutes ago, Ringop said:

I think I need to start paying you and the others that responded here. You guys talk so much sense and I see it, even if I am focused on over analyzing anything.

Just give me time in this. I am not going to let it break me.

It's fine. It's only been a short time. All of us have held on and focused on things that aren't the best things for us. 

Shoot, I had to move 300 miles away when I kept refusing to remove a toxic ex from my life!

[catfeeder]

39 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

...Shoot, I had to move 300 miles away when I kept refusing to remove a toxic ex from my life!

THAT is dedication to healing.

And I get it. Really, if a smoker knows their own limitations in willpower while there's a 24 hour smoke-shop at the end of their block, is it 'too much' for them to move away to a rural area with clean air and no cigarettes easily available without a trek--along with no public places available to smoke them?

Nothing is foolproof--we can't control our environment to 'prevent' us from acting against our own best interests. But, we can set ourselves up to the best of our abilities and then rely on our determination to pull the rest off.

Healing is never served 'to' us. We each need to invest in it--and that includes making a responsible assessment of what we need in order to move ourselves beyond immediate self sabotage.

 

[Ringop]

I've been keeping busy like a be these days. I am better than I expected, however, somewhat I was thinking/hoping she will write me something today or tomorrow. She was away in her hometown, but didn't.

I want to ask for an advice: In her hometown there was a couple we hang out when we were going there, I really liked them. Should I sent a message to one of them and tell them: Mate, listen, I think you've heard, just want to say I liked you lot and if you are in town in the future, I would love to meet you. This is between us, and if you are ok with that, I would still like to meet.

What do you think? How do you approach this?

[boltnrun]

4 minutes ago, Ringop said:

I've been keeping busy like a be these days. I am better than I expected, however, somewhat I was thinking/hoping she will write me something today or tomorrow. She was away in her hometown, but didn't.

I want to ask for an advice: In her hometown there was a couple we hang out when we were going there, I really liked them. Should I sent a message to one of them and tell them: Mate, listen, I think you've heard, just want to say I liked you lot and if you are in town in the future, I would love to meet you. This is between us, and if you are ok with that, I would still like to meet.

What do you think? How do you approach this?

Only do this if you are fine with them reporting to your ex.

Yes, I know you're going to ask them to keep it between you, but I can guarantee one or the other of them will tell her.  It's human nature.

Now, I don't think you should do or not do things based on how your ex would react.  But think about this honestly; are you hoping this would be some sort of backdoor way to nudge your ex into contacting you?  Be honest with yourself if not with us.

[Wiseman2]

29 minutes ago, Ringop said:

. Should I sent a message to one of them and tell them: Mate, listen, I think you've heard, just want to say I liked you lot and if you are in town in the future, I would love to meet you. 

Perhaps hold off for now on contacting any of her people. It's all a bit too fresh and could be misconstrued as indirectly trying to reach her.  Even if you try to keep things separate, it could get back to her.