"I need to do this alone"

[Ringop]

14 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

You can.  You choose not to.  Not ever having done it -always a first time. Why tell yourself you "can't?" Will you tell that to your next girlfriend who might have concerns?

Tell her I did not block my ex?

I've never gone back to an ex or let any past relationship influence me.

[Batya33]

11 minutes ago, Ringop said:

Tell her I did not block my ex?

I've never gone back to an ex or let any past relationship influence me.

Tell her I "can't" block my ex.  

[Ringop]

Just now, Batya33 said:

Tell her I "can't" block my ex.  

Maybe this is an UK or US thing, but here we do not do that. I was asking my friends if they blocked her exs a few weeks ago, and most of them said no. 

The thing is I always left a door open (until this one) in other relationships. But a door open to say hello, or happy b-day, nothing else.

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, Ringop said:

Maybe this is an UK or US thing, but here we do not do that. I was asking my friends if they blocked her exs a few weeks ago, and most of them said no. 

The thing is I always left a door open (until this one) in other relationships. But a door open to say hello, or happy b-day, nothing else.

Interesting -you are really going to tell yourself you "can't" block your ex? It's often fine to leave a door open.  In this situation it's likely very unhealthy.  What's far more unhealthy is you holding on to this false notion that you "can't" block your ex.  

[Ringop]

Actually I "muted" her in the first week. Then to remove that in a few hours.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Ringop said:

Actually I "muted" her in the first week. Then to remove that in a few hours.

OK I'm not playing anymore with your non-responses.  Good luck and enjoy your date.

[Ringop]

5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

OK I'm not playing anymore with your non-responses.  Good luck and enjoy your date.

I can, of course I can, but I do not want to, I've never did it with anyone I've been. I've muted her and It felt wrong. It felt what the hell am I doing? Didn't feel right.

Leaving here a door open is not hoping someday we are going to be back together. Is just something I am not confortable with it.

To be more detailed "why I can't".

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, Ringop said:

I have only one explanation: I wan her to see me do well because at some point, she will check my profile.

And then what?

She will see you're doing well. What do you stand to gain from her seeing that you are getting on okay? 

[Batya33]

11 minutes ago, Ringop said:

I can, of course I can, but I do not want to, I've never did it with anyone I've been. I've muted her and It felt wrong. It felt what the hell am I doing? Didn't feel right.

Leaving here a door open is not hoping someday we are going to be back together. Is just something I am not confortable with it.

To be more detailed "why I can't".

So yes you can and you choose not to -that is a huge and really important distinction from "can't" which is a good thing to take responsibility for.  Many things don't feel right and many times we have to do what is right because what doesn't "feel" right is coming from an unhealthy place.

[Ringop]

7 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

And then what?

She will see you're doing well. What do you stand to gain from her seeing that you are getting on okay? 

Nothing.

But I want her to be well. Not with me, but I want her to be well and manage to beat this.

[MissCanuck]

Just now, Ringop said:

But I want her to be well. Not with me, but I want her to be well and manage to beat this.

I don't follow. How does that relate to you wanting her to see that you are doing well? 

 

 

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, Ringop said:

Nothing.

But I want her to be well. Not with me, but I want her to be well and manage to beat this.

So if she wanted you to know this she wouldn't need social media -she could find out how to contact you and let you know she beat this and had moved on in life.

[Ringop]

14 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I don't follow. How does that relate to you wanting her to see that you are doing well? 

 

 

I wish I couldn't explain, but I can't because I don't know how. Because I don't post my life on social media.

Most likely in a few months this will sound stupid and I will not care if she is there or not. 

And like I've mentioned, I've never blocked an ex because for me, it was like I was hiding behind a block instead of fighting to get over that person. Which I am trying and will do it, eventually.

I don't want to block her because for me she ment something, I know it might not sound logically, but It's something I feel.

There are a few women I've love with all my heart and I still follow them and I am happy they are well. We are not talking at all, except happy b-days, but I am happy for them and I am glad I did not block them.

[Ringop]

19 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

So if she wanted you to know this she wouldn't need social media -she could find out how to contact you and let you know she beat this and had moved on in life.

I don't think she will ever tell me that, even if by some miracle we would tak again.

But I get what you are saying.

And sorry If I seem to deflect questions. There are a lot of emotions going on.

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, Ringop said:

I wish I couldn't explain, but I can't because I don't know how. Because I don't post my life on social media.

Most likely in a few months this will sound stupid and I will not care if she is there or not. 

And like I've mentioned, I've never blocked an ex because for me, it was like I was hiding behind a block instead of fighting to get over that person. Which I am trying and will do it, eventually.

I don't want to block her because for me she ment something, I know it might not sound logically, but It's something I feel.

There are a few women I've love with all my heart and I still follow them and I am happy they are well. We are not talking at all, except happy b-days, but I am happy for them and I am glad I did not block them.

To me you are hiding behind rationalizations and excuses because you're not "fighting" - you're hoping you'll be noticed and hoping that will lead to her wanting you back -even if you don't want her. If you truly care about an ex a huge way to show that is to give them space to live their own lives without this silly radar thing.

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, Ringop said:

I don't think she will ever tell me that, even if by some miracle we would tak again.

But I get what you are saying.

And sorry If I seem to deflect questions. There are a lot of emotions going on.

Yes- emotions have a way of clouding judgment for sure.  Fortunately since you are a fighter and don't want to hide you can choose not to hide behind the "can't help it, it's how I feel" excuse.

[Ringop]

Went on my first date on Friday and had to say I had a blast. Nothing happened, we were just to people connecting and it felt good because I had a boost of confidence about my self esteem and that people are atracted to me. It felt really good.

Therapy is helping a lot also because I am facing my demons, what I've felt during the past half of year.

I am not ready for a relationship at the moment, but enjoyed this woman I've went out a lot. 

[Ringop]

An update here. It going to be two months soon and things are much, much, much better than I expected. Therapy helped a lot, and I am just at the begining of it, but became my safe space and helped me ask the questions I needed to ask myself about my relationship. It's still a journey, but I think of her less and less. The way she shut me out helped me a lot moving forward, even if it hurt.

Also, life is weird, but the woman I've went out is here and we are going out and she is quite something. Takes interest in me, my needs, the small things. There is no label on us at the moment, just two people and we are really bonding. Is funny because you have no idea how things are. 

For those who are reading, there is life after heartbreak, even if you do not see it.

[Ringop]

 Haha, I think I spoke too soon.

I invited her over for the fourth date to my place, cooked for her and made her a spongebob cake also. Just to make it clear we've been talking non stop and dating, flirting.

Thursday: Me: My other flat is almost done, want to go next week, would you want to see the first person to see it? Her: I would love too and maybe we can cook and test the overn.

Friday: Me: Listen, I am super glad you are coming tomorrow, can't wait. Her: Haha, me too.

Yesterday: 

Went in for the kiss and she stopped me and told me because I didn't move faster she started thinking and I shouldn't let her do that and she still loves her solitude, being alone. I, a rational human being, tried to understand what?!. I felt my brain was about to explode because there was not even a sign there. And I never said the word relationship.

Told her I can't be friends, like in Seinfeld, I have enough friends.

She stayed from 19:00 until 2:00. Of course we exchanged of messages and tested the waters and told her if she want to meet later on today and she refused, then started to ignore me.

So, I have to ask, is everyone in the dating world went insane? 😄 

[Batya33]

No. Just this person changed her mind. It happens and often early on. I’m sorry. 

[Ringop]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

No. Just this person changed her mind. It happens and often early on. I’m sorry. 

In the same day, why not cancel?

[Batya33]

Just now, Ringop said:

In the same day, why not cancel?

Honestly it’s a waste of time to analyze when you only met 4 times. 

[Ringop]

Just now, Batya33 said:

Honestly it’s a waste of time to analyze when you only met 4 times. 

But it's a warning sign for me, to be honest, being fresh on the market and this happens, it's quite, quite odd. And frightning.

Someone tells you she can't wait to come to your place, in the same day, then this happens. I swear my brain was leaving my body.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Ringop said:

:Went in for the kiss and she stopped me and told me because I didn't move faster she started thinking and I shouldn't let her do that and she still loves her solitude, being alone.

What exactly did she mean by this? Let's slow down because you lunged for a kiss?  In house dates are ok but maybe you came across as a bit over eager? 

Asking her to meet in a few hours later the same day after a 2am evening was a bad idea. She seems crowded and smothered.

Please pace yourself and don't make the same mistakes as the last relationship with smothering. Be confident and give people their space. 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Ringop said:

But it's a warning sign for me, to be honest, being fresh on the market and this happens, it's quite, quite odd. And frightning.

Someone tells you she can't wait to come to your place, in the same day, then this happens. I swear my brain was leaving my body.

Frightening? Really? Dating requires a thick skin. Wiseman makes a good point.  Four dates -anything can happen  -with rare exception - lower your expectations IMO.