"I need to do this alone"

[MissCanuck]

I don't think you're ready to date yet, OP. 

You're still too fresh off your breakup which is leading you to have overly-emotional reactions to this. It's disappointing, but describing this as frightening and your brain leaving your body? It's a bit much. However, it's also your signal that you aren't yet in a strong enough place to handle the normal ups and downs of dating. 

[Ringop]

22 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

What exactly did she mean by this? Let's slow down because you lunged for a kiss?  In house dates are ok but maybe you came across as a bit over eager? 

 

What I understood she meant, and again, this is me speculating, is that I didn't kiss her earlier on the other dates and she had time to reflect and realize she is better single and maybe thought I was hesitating?

The opposite of over eager, at first glance.

[Ringop]

11 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

I don't think you're ready to date yet, OP. 

You're still too fresh off your breakup which is leading you to have overly-emotional reactions to this. It's disappointing, but describing this as frightening and your brain leaving your body? It's a bit much. However, it's also your signal that you aren't yet in a strong enough place to handle the normal ups and downs of dating. 

Can't argue with that MissCanuck.

I didn't want to date, not at all, I swear. I just started taking with her and things went from there.

Can I explain why I feel my brain left my body?

After the second date I wanted to make a step back after she asked me to come to bar and I've said no just to avoid complicating things. But soon realized I like a lot what is happening and how we are bonding and I miss when we are not talking. She was all over me, we talked and there was clearly a connection between the two of us. 

It felt right and everything felt right so when she started saying that: You let me think and that is not good, I felt overwhelmed that I was so stupid to let me guard down and experience this.

Because let's be honest, realy, who does that? Who comes to your house brings dessert and a bottle of wine she received for her b-day?

I mean, would anyone do that? Would anyone here from this thread would?

So that's why I erupted, but thank the stars for therapy. I had earlier the session and she knew how to help me find the balance that I've suddently lost.

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Ringop said:

You let me think and that is not good, I felt overwhelmed that I was so stupid to let me guard down and experience this.

Because let's be honest, realy, who does that? Who comes to your house brings dessert and a bottle of wine she received for her b-day?

I mean, would anyone do that? Would anyone here from this thread would?

So that's why I erupted, but thank the stars for therapy. I had earlier the session and she knew how to help me find the balance that I've suddently lost.

I'm glad you got this help. I think you have unrealistic expectations about early dating especially with a woman you didn't know well before.  I'm sorry you were upset.  Who does that? It's called -dating. Oh the war stories I have....

[Ringop]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

I'm glad you got this help. I think you have unrealistic expectations about early dating especially with a woman you didn't know well before.  I'm sorry you were upset.  Who does that? It's called -dating. Oh the war stories I have....

I have also, Batya, I've dated before 2015, but I've done and also done on me, but If I never wanted to be in a place or doing somewhere, I think I will say it and mostly, act cold, make a step back. But saying one day earlier can't wait to come, handle the dessert and bringing a special bottle, I swear it does my head in because it does not make any sense, none.

Now it's no contact and I wanted to write her a message near the end of the week, if it stays like this, to clear the air, but I have a feeling I would come out as desperate, no matter what I say, right?

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Ringop said:

I have also, Batya, I've dated before 2015, but I've done and also done on me, but If I never wanted to be in a place or doing somewhere, I think I will say it and mostly, act cold, make a step back. But saying one day earlier can't wait to come, handle the dessert and bringing a special bottle, I swear it does my head in because it does not make any sense, none.

Now it's no contact and I wanted to write her a message near the end of the week, if it stays like this, to clear the air, but I have a feeling I would come out as desperate, no matter what I say, right?

Right.  No message.  I'd stop assuming "well because I would never ____ no one else would" especially since you only had 4 dates.

[Ringop]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Right.  No message.  I'd stop assuming "well because I would never ____ no one else would" especially since you only had 4 dates.

Yes, but four crescendo dates, that didn't show cracks and were leading to something.

Hence the shock.

[Batya33]

10 minutes ago, Ringop said:

Yes, but four crescendo dates, that didn't show cracks and were leading to something.

Hence the shock.

No I disagree.  I'd have zero expectations of even another date that early on.  Anyone can have four crescendo dates with a new person.  I was never shocked because I managed my expectations in a realistic way.  I enjoyed crescendo dates to the fullest. AND was not shocked if it crashed and burned.

But I was dating only to get married so it was essential for me to teach myself how to be realistic so I didn't get jaded. And I didn't.

[Ringop]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

No I disagree.  I'd have zero expectations of even another date that early on.  Anyone can have four crescendo dates with a new person.  I was never shocked because I managed my expectations in a realistic way.  I enjoyed crescendo dates to the fullest. AND was not shocked if it crashed and burned.

That is something I need to learn and work with. I did it for the first three, when I've let my guard down, well this happens.

Because it never crashed and burned this way. But I think you understand my shock, right? I think yeah, I've had expectations how the night will go based on everything that happened.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Ringop said:

That is something I need to learn and work with. I did it for the first three, when I've let my guard down, well this happens.

Because it never crashed and burned this way. But I think you understand my shock, right? I think yeah, I've had expectations how the night will go based on everything that happened.

No I don't and cannot relate and I'm sorry you're disappointed! I agree with whoever wrote that you're likely not ready to date yet. I liked getting to know people at a reasonable pace over time. 

[MissCanuck]

10 hours ago, Ringop said:

wanted to write her a message near the end of the week, if it stays like this, to clear the air, but I have a feeling I would come out as desperate, no matter what I say, right?

That's right. 

Just leave it be. You will feel better soon but you would be wise to take time off dating until you feel stronger emotionally.

[Ringop]

13 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

That's right. 

Just leave it be. You will feel better soon but you would be wise to take time off dating until you feel stronger emotionally.

I think I need to listen to my instincts more.

After the second date, my instinct told me to make a step back and not ask her out again. I liked her, but I wasn't in love, plus she doesn't want kids and mentioned she was good alone.

But then when I ignored her I started to miss her, miss the interaction and the flow. So here I am.

 

[MissCanuck]

11 minutes ago, Ringop said:

After the second date, my instinct told me to make a step back and not ask her out again. I liked her, but I wasn't in love

Who would be in love after the second date, though? 

Anyway, it seems your gut was indeed trying to tell you something. Maybe you were never that into her as a person, but more the role she filled in the void your ex left behind. 

[Ringop]

26 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Who would be in love after the second date, though? 

Anyway, it seems your gut was indeed trying to tell you something. Maybe you were never that into her as a person, but more the role she filled in the void your ex left behind. 

I've loved my ex for the first sight. With this one I was thinking on the long run If I could love her.

My therapist is digging into my childhood trying to understand why am I hanging to these type of people instead of healthy ones. And the funny part is I've told her, I've been searching for something like my parents did. So hence the desperation & bad choices.

 

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Ringop said:

I've loved my ex for the first sight. With this one I was thinking on the long run If I could love her.

It's great you're out there dating again and trying to move forward. However if you are sabotaging things with too much too soon, maybe take a break? 

[Ringop]

18 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's great you're out there dating again and trying to move forward. However if you are sabotaging things with too much too soon, maybe take a break? 

How do you think I am doing that, Wiseman? How did I sabotage it?