Have I been used?

[yogacat]

31 minutes ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

we can’t really say “this here is what a man does when he’s interested!,” when many would swap the word “interested” with “unstable” depending on their own unique experiences and complexity of the situation at hand. There are women out there whom this behavior would outright scare

However, if it worked for you, cool, but it just goes to show that what works for some does not work for others. 
 

 

That's fine. Point taken. But not 1 long romantic night and he checks out over the week because he's stressed out or whatever. There is always an excuse that is valid for the time he "disappeared". But persistent for seeing her again is very important.

[Sindy_0311]

32 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Our opinions are based on our own experiences, perceptions and intuition, 

They are also based on our personal expectations in dating. And sometimes, having someone with higher standards, helps spotting all the BS we go through. 
 

 

1 hour ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

and ya, this guy could turn out to be a raging a**hole but it still wouldn’t mean that a 5day text lapse was prophetic 

He briefly reached out the following day, but how do you explain his 5 days of silence while he was texting everyday before they had sex? He didn’t even apologized, or gave any explanation, like his shift in communication is something normal and acceptable: wouldn’t be for me. They have been dating for a few weeks yet. This is why I cannot grasp it. 

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

 having someone with higher standards, helps spotting all the BS we go through. 

MsBlonde seems to have fine standards. They had a bunch of dates, talked about getting together again and he contracted her after the date and confirmed their plans after a few days. Having faith and confidence is "high standard", not panicking and blocking out of insecurity and freaking out because dinner is on a weeknight. 

[Sindy_0311]

25 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

MsBlonde seems to have fine standards. They had a bunch of dates, talked about getting together again and he contracted her after the date and confirmed their plans after a few days. Having faith and confidence is "high standard", not panicking and blocking out of insecurity and freaking out because dinner is on a weeknight. 

Yeah, girls who get played often have a lot of faith. (Not saying it’s the case for OP) And confidence is also being able to discard wishy-washy behavior because frankly they are better options waiting for us out there. OP was bothered by his silence, that’s why she opened that topic… at these stages of dating, I think women should stop accepting lukewarm behavior like that and address it. If not corrected by the guy, they should move on. Acting like nothing happened is just assuming that it’s acceptable for them when in reality it’s not the case and makes them question themselves. 

I had a first date with a man lately. We kissed at the end, and he texted me much the following day. After two days he became more distant, after 5 days of him being distant I dismatched him. I have no time for lukewarm, I don’t engage with men who aren’t reaching out consistently. That’s one of my standards. 

Weekdays are ok for dates. But I think it’s also good if a man can show a woman that he prioritizes her by planning dates during weekends… especially after a few dates. I think this is commun sense… isn’t it? 

@MsBlondeCorrect me if I’m wrong, but when he reached out the following day saying he would enjoy seeing you again. But he waited 5 days to ask for a weekend when you would be free. So there was not date planned until 5 days after. It wasn’t to confirm a plan as stated below: 

29 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

he contracted her after the date and confirmed their plans after a few days.

I will leave it at that. I gave my opinion and I truly hope it all turns good for you!! 🤞 from Switzerland with love!! 

[rainbowsandroses]

42 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Having faith and confidence is "high standard", not panicking and blocking out of insecurity and freaking out because dinner is on a weeknight. 

Let's move on from that, it's irrelevant.  The issue here was his sudden shift in communication after sex. 

We can talk about projection until hell freezes over, the fact is many women have been burned by this shift in communication, the inconsistency, it can be a red flag. 

Not saying it IS a red flag in @MsBlondesituation, it's much too early to know that with any certainty.  But it's also a mistake to rule out the possibility altogether.

At this early stage, it's best to observe. No one knows if they have "chosen wisely" until at least after 90 days when true colors start to show.

Some of y'all are acting like he's this great guy, whatever, no one knows that!  It's only been two dates!  Regardless of whether they had sex or not.

That's why personally I'm willing to give benefit of doubt. I'm not going to make any judgments anymore until things become more clear either way. 

And that is what I advise @MsBlondeto do too.

Keep an open mind, continue observing and enjoy! 

P.S.  I know what I would have done but the OP is not me and should do what feels right for her. If she gets hurt, so be, that's how we learn.  Maybe she won't though, time will tell.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

On 1/18/2024 at 6:46 AM, MsBlonde said:

, third date I ask him round mine. We ended up sleeping together, He did then message the next morning saying he had a great time and is looking forward to seeing me again soon. 

It was the third date for them with another one coming up soon. Please understand no one is the sole arbiter of what is "relevant". 

32 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

  It's only been two dates!  

 

[rainbowsandroses]

52 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

MsBlondeCorrect me if I’m wrong, but when he reached out the following day saying he would enjoy seeing you again. But he waited 5 days to ask for a weekend when you would be free. So there was not date planned until 5 days after. It wasn’t to confirm a plan as stated below: 

Bolded, from the OP's original post:

On 1/18/2024 at 3:46 AM, MsBlonde said:

We ended up sleeping together, it was really special and felt as though we had a connection. He then left for work and I didn’t hear from him all day. I felt afraid to reach out as in my gut I was thinking rejection. He did then message the next morning saying he had a great time and is looking forward to seeing me again soon. I responded but since then the conversation has really dried up.

So yeah not sure where @Wiseman2 got that he reached out to confirm plans.

His communication ended up being "dried up" for 5 days after that until he reached out wanting to get something in his diary and asked what weekends she was free. 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It was the third date for them with another one coming up soon. Please understand no one is the sole arbiter of what is "relevant". 

 

It was irrelevant in that it was NOT the reason she created this thread or why she was confused and anxious.  She created this thread due to his silence.

Two dates, three dates, come on man seriously?  

But okay my bad it was "three dates." 😳

[LootieTootie]

Goodness. Hope the OP is not reading 😄 

I know I am the first to tell people to go with their gut feeling, but even my instincts about people have been wrong.

So OP, just enjoy the dating and getting to know him. He initiated a 4th date and the relationship is too new to be panicky.

Also, some can get insecure after sex the first time, especially if they didnt think their performance was stellar. 

[Sindy_0311]

17 minutes ago, LootieTootie said:

 

Goodness. Hope the OP is not reading 😄 

 

Ok, first I just had to give a 😅at that… 

 

18 minutes ago, LootieTootie said:

I know I am the first to tell people to go with their gut feeling, but even my instincts about people have been wrong.

So OP, just enjoy the dating and getting to know him. He initiated a 4th date and the relationship is too new to be panicky.

Also, some can get insecure after sex the first time, especially if they didnt think their performance was stellar. 

The issue is some people can go on dates, enjoy themselves without any expectation on the outcome, that’s great! 

BUT some people just can’t do that. (We are all different) That’s why I think it’s important for each of us to be honest about what we expect and stop this whole denial… Dating is not fun when you easily become attached to someone who doesn’t seem to reciprocate. I truly think @MsBlonde should protect herself by acting accordingly to her personality and sensitivity and cut off any guy bringing her any kind of anxiety. 

[MrMan1983]

39 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

cut off any guy bringing her any kind of anxiety. 

Nearly every dating scenario has anxious moments, people would end up cutting off 95% of opportunities if they did that! 

[Batya33]

39 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

accordingly to her personality and sensitivity and cut off any guy bringing her any kind of anxiety. 

While also stepping back and asking if it comes from a cynical/overly suspicious place.  For me it's about reliability - back in the day pre-texting it was totally normal if a man called for the next date 5 days later and typically people who met once or twice didn't talk or keep daily contact.  So it wouldn't be silence or a change in frequency.  And if a couple had been dating longer -like closer to two months then very often the next date or dates were planned while on the date - no real asking out or if there was it was - understood, a given.  One of several reasons I waited to have sex is for me -I knew I'd get more attached and knew I'd notice a LOT more if he didn't make another plan to see me while we were in person and/or didn't call soon after.  Not everyone gets attached through sex.  I knew I would.

[boltnrun]

Just now, MrMan1983 said:

Nearly every dating scenario has anxious moments, people would end up cutting off 95% of opportunities if they did that! 

My husband used to show up late almost every time we made plans before we got married. He just didn't grasp that making plans for 8:00 pm meant he should be at my home at 8:00, not leaving his home that was 30 minutes away at 8:00. I finally resorted to threatening to refuse to answer the door if he showed up more than 15 minutes late. And I still married him 🙂

I guess that's not really anxiety though. More like annoyed/frustrated. 

[Batya33]

49 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Ok, first I just had to give a 😅at that… 

 

The issue is some people can go on dates, enjoy themselves without any expectation on the outcome, that’s great! 

BUT some people just can’t do that. (We are all different) That’s why I think it’s important for each of us to be honest about what we expect and stop this whole denial… Dating is not fun when you easily become attached to someone who doesn’t seem to reciprocate. I truly think @MsBlonde should protect herself by acting accordingly to her personality and sensitivity and cut off any guy bringing her any kind of anxiety. 

I think it's on the person who becomes easily attached that soon to own that -to work on resolving that -work on developing a thicker skin or alternatively choose not to date or to date differently (for example if having sex enhances that feeling of quick attachment to a new person).  I wanted to get married. I had to be in it to win it so to speak. So I found ways to develop a thicker skin.

[NighttimeNightmare]

3 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

And sometimes, having someone with higher standards, helps spotting all the BS we go through. 

Is it higher standards, or just different standards? 
 

Many couples don’t speak every day and it’s not because of low standards, it’s just a dynamic that works for them (not suggesting these 2 are a couple, just giving an example) 

3 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

but how do you explain his 5 days of silence while he was texting everyday before they had sex?

I dunno, I’m not him and he’s not here to provide an answer for that. 

 

3 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

He didn’t even apologized, or gave any explanation, like his shift in communication is something normal and acceptable: wouldn’t be for me. 

He prob didn’t apologize or explain because there was nothing for him to apologize or explain.  He told her he’d be in touch about a date, and then he was in touch about a date. What is there to apologize for? 
 

if you need your potential partner to be in touch daily, or whatever, that’s ok too. I just wouldn’t call that a “higher standard.”  In some cases it very well may be, though. Like in cases of partners being demonstrably reckless with their partners emotions and needs, but in this case? Naw. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

Is it higher standards, or just different standards? 
 

Many couples don’t speak every day and it’s not because of low standards, it’s just a dynamic that works for them (not suggesting these 2 are a couple, just giving an example) 

I dunno, I’m not him and he’s not here to provide an answer for that. 

 

He prob didn’t apologize or explain because there was nothing for him to apologize or explain.  He told her he’d be in touch about a date, and then he was in touch about a date. What is there to apologize for? 
 

if you need your potential partner to be in touch daily, or whatever, that’s ok too. I just wouldn’t call that a “higher standard.”  In some cases it very well may be, though. Like in cases of partners being demonstrably reckless with their partners emotions and needs, but in this case? Naw. 

My high standards were about reliability.  Keeping a promise to call/apologizing with a reasonable excuse if it didn't happen.  Typically once we were dating but -this is funny -to me anyway - a man contacted me on a dating site - he had a medical and law degree I think and was quite pleased with himself about that lol.  But ok.  So he told me he would call me on Wednesday (maybe 3 days later?) to talk and see if we should meet (there was some scheduling issue totally fine).

He called Thursday.  No apology, no acknowledgement etc. I told him I didn't like that.  He was surprised and I gleaned from our conversation after - most women were totally fine with him calling whenever and this was because of his multiple degrees/good catch sort of thing.  I'd have been ok if he just acknowledged - then no biggie.  We didn't meet from what I recall and I know partly because I didn't like his attitude especially as a first impression.  Other women would have been fine with it. I wasn't.

[kim42]

9 hours ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

Is it higher standards, or just different standards? 
 

Many couples don’t speak every day and it’s not because of low standards, it’s just a dynamic that works for them (not suggesting these 2 are a couple, just giving an example) 

I dunno, I’m not him and he’s not here to provide an answer for that. 

 

He prob didn’t apologize or explain because there was nothing for him to apologize or explain.  He told her he’d be in touch about a date, and then he was in touch about a date. What is there to apologize for? 
 

if you need your potential partner to be in touch daily, or whatever, that’s ok too. I just wouldn’t call that a “higher standard.”  In some cases it very well may be, though. Like in cases of partners being demonstrably reckless with their partners emotions and needs, but in this case? Naw. 

It's a good reminder that not every man follows the same 'script' when he's interested in a woman.

I think it's easy to get lost in analyzing texts and keeping track on how much a guy yexts, and sometimes we just forget that each man is different. 

Of course, if a guy takes hours to reply each time and his replies are dry, then I'd be cautious but I've learned that for me it's healthy if I don't expect a man to behave in a certain way, just because most of my exes/guys I interacted with behaved like that.

[Sindy_0311]

10 hours ago, MrMan1983 said:

Nearly every dating scenario has anxious moments

I don't think so. Let me explain. I have been dating a lot lately, and mainly through OLD.

After meeting over 30 different men and engaging with more than hundred of them through text, I know exactly what kind of communication I want, what kind of profile I validate and what kind of interactions in person are red flaggy or have potential, my dating filter sharpened through time.

If I notice a behavior I don't like in a man I'm dating, or if I feel a sudden distance, a shift in consistency during a few days, I reach out once more or address it, and if he still keeps distant or vague, I cut him off assuming that he is not that interested.

I know I can become easily anxious if I'm not dealing with the right person, I have a strong intuition and my body often speaks for me (sometimes with panic attacks)... So I decided to avoid that at all costs. Last summer I got theses anxiety peaks with the guy I was dating, and I know its because the guy just wasn't right for me...

Dating shouldn't bring anxiety.

But apprehension, excitement, questioning etc... these are OK IMO. 

10 hours ago, MrMan1983 said:

people would end up cutting off 95% of opportunities if they did that! 

I do that 😉 

[rainbowsandroses]

11 hours ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

He prob didn’t apologize or explain because there was nothing for him to apologize or explain.  He told her he’d be in touch about a date, and then he was in touch about a date. What is there to apologize for? 

I agree.

Thinking more on this, I don't think he did anything 'wrong' by waiting days to reach out about a date.  It's also not uncommon for a communication pattern to shift after sex happens and at different times throughout a relationship.

Some people are more flexible than others about it and can easily roll with the changing patterns and nuances and some aren't.  And that's fine, there's no right or wrong imo.

1 hour ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I know I can become easily anxious if I'm not dealing with the right person, I have a strong intuition and my body often speaks for me (sometimes with panic attacks)... So I decided to avoid that at all costs. 

^^And that's okay!  We all have different anxiety thresholds and what we view as 'red flags'.  We all also have the right to  stop dating someone for whatever reason we want without being negatively judged for it.

It's not always about anxiety either or following "dating rules."   These early stages are so precarious, people (both women and men) can get turned off on a dime, they don't even need a reason!  

We observe behaviors and if something happens that rubs us the wrong way or doesn't sit well and we want to stop dating the person, again perfectly okay.

Here, the guy reached out after first time sex the following day and left a lovely message.  He then waited 5 days to follow up for a date. 

Again, he didn't do anything wrong, however he did risk @MsBlondebecoming turned off by his decision to wait, and not want to continue dating him like @Sindy_0311  admitted she would have, and other women might have.  Which is their right to do without being harshly judged for it.

Fortunately for him @MsBlondewas cool with it and they scheduled another date! 

Turning this around, if HE had wanted to stop dating @MsBlonde after three dates (and after sex happened), that would have been fine too and probably happens more often than the other way around. 

Things can change after sex, feelings can change, communication patterns can change, the entire dynamic can change!

Sex, especially early sex before a bond has been developed, is like a 'make or break,' one or both will either want to move forward or they won't.   

That's dating!  

@MsBlondehave fun on your date tonight!  Enjoy! 

$.02

 

 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, kim42 said:

It's a good reminder that not every man follows the same 'script' when he's interested in a woman.

I think it's easy to get lost in analyzing texts and keeping track on how much a guy yexts, and sometimes we just forget that each man is different. 

Of course, if a guy takes hours to reply each time and his replies are dry, then I'd be cautious but I've learned that for me it's healthy if I don't expect a man to behave in a certain way, just because most of my exes/guys I interacted with behaved like that.

I think a person should act in a reliable way towards a person they want to get to know -calling when they say they will etc.  and a person who wants to date another person will move towards pleasure and away from pain -meaning making it happen whether that means contacting in advance to set it up or responding to an invitation with enthusiam.  To me that's not a script just basic common sense.  A person who wants to get to know another person by dating them is highly unlikely to risk not calling for many days and risk the other person not thinking he or she is interested in dating them, etc. 

[rainbowsandroses]

8 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

A person who wants to get to know another person by dating them is highly unlikely to risk not calling for many days and risk the other person not thinking he or she is interested in dating them, etc. 

Yup, agree.  Especially at such a sensitive time as after first time sex is.  I think most men know this too and IF highly interested in more than casual, they wouldn't want to risk it even IF they were uncertain themselves.

Just my opinion about that, no doubt there are situations where a man waited days, even weeks, and they moved forward into a relationship.

So it's not always so black and white. 

 

 

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Yup, agree.  Especially at such a sensitive time as after first time sex is.  I think most men know this too and IF highly interested in more than casual, they wouldn't want to risk it even IF they were uncertain themselves.

Just my opinion about that, no doubt there are situations where a man waited days, even weeks, and they moved forward into a relationship.

So it's not always so black and white. 

 

 

I don't agree with the sex part -as I wrote I often felt the same way about kissing.  I think it's perfectly fine for a person to assume that having sex was no biggie to the person unless there were unusual circumstances like a broken condom or intense crying after, etc.  It's not sensitive to everyone by far -I wouldn't know personally I do know from women and men friends over the many years I've heard alllll the stories that it wasn't sensitive in the least -it was fun, exciting, thrilling, or it was boring/he was bad in bed.

One of my former friends said how he had intercourse then told her how he regretted it/missed his wife - she said it was meh sex anyway and so she didn't plan on seeing him again. Other friends would be drunk and remembered little and other friends were over the moon about a first kiss and on tenterhooks as to whether he would call.  

I think a person who anticipates feeling emotionally sensitive after having intercourse should own that and have no expectations from a casual sex partner at all unless it's urgent -the STD or pregnancy issues etc.  I'm talking about two single consenting adults. Certainly if one sex partner promises to call the next day etc that person should just as if they didn't have sex. I get a little tired of hearing women -mostly women -typically not a man - have sex, feel emotional, blame man who doesn't call and paint herself based on that as "being used".

[rainbowsandroses]

47 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I don't agree with the sex part -as I wrote I often felt the same way about kissing.  I think it's perfectly fine for a person to assume that having sex was no biggie to the person unless there were unusual circumstances like a broken condom or intense crying after, etc.  It's not sensitive to everyone by far -I wouldn't know personally I do know from women and men friends over the many years I've heard alllll the stories that it wasn't sensitive in the least -it was fun, exciting, thrilling, or it was boring/he was bad in bed.

One of my former friends said how he had intercourse then told her how he regretted it/missed his wife - she said it was meh sex anyway and so she didn't plan on seeing him again. Other friends would be drunk and remembered little and other friends were over the moon about a first kiss and on tenterhooks as to whether he would call.  

Okay @Batya33I was referring to sex that was somewhat meaningful, which it IS for many women (like myself and apparently the OP), NOT drunken sex or a pick-up in a bar or when the woman has no desire or gasp, expectation to see the guy again.  Or "no biggee" as you referred to it. 

Here they had three meaningful dates, talked every day, then had sex with the OP hoping to continue dating, so in that sense it was a sensitive time IMO.  And unless a man is mentally challenged he knows this too.

And I agreed with you that although he did nothing 'wrong', he took a risk by waiting days to follow up for another date. 

And I don't agree that kissing is the same as sexual intimacy but don't want to get into that because that is not what this situation is about. 

Obviously we view having sex differently and that's okay!

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Okay @Batya33I was referring to sex that was somewhat meaningful, which it IS for many women (like myself and apparently the OP), NOT drunken sex or a pick-up in a bar or when the woman has no desire or gasp, expectation to see the guy again.  Or "no biggee" as you referred to it. 

Here they had three meaningful dates, talked every day, then had sex with the OP hoping to continue dating, so in that sense it was a sensitive time IMO.  And unless a man is mentally challenged he knows this too.

And I agreed with you that although he did nothing 'wrong', he took a risk by waiting days to follow up for another date. 

And I don't agree that kissing is the same as sexual intimacy but don't want to get into that because that is not what this situation is about. 

Obviously we view having sex differently and that's okay!

Yes we absolutely do see things differently! I do think the OP should reconsider having sex with him again until they are on the same page as she seemed to get attached because they had sex.(I used to use how long you've known pairs of socks as a way to gague timing/risks of getting attached - I've known my favorite fuzzy socks much longer) - to me personally 3 dates can be incredibly meaningful and to me what's meaningful in terms of compatibility and being on the same page is getting to know someone over a period of months - at least - because then the meaningful part is also knowing with more certainty than after 3 dates that if he doesn't call after a date or after sex or both it's likely absolutely nothing or she'd worry whether he was ok - sick -etc -not whether they were ok.  It just is more meaningful to know someone well over a longer period of time IMHO. 

The OP should balance for herself whether the sex is that awesome to counterbalance the downsides since she gets emotionally attached through sex and she hasn't known him that long at all.  I don't think a person who gets emotional about sex should burden her casual sex partner with expectations about sex. That's on him or her IMO. Unless he/she tells the partner in advance and they are on the same page -or decide not to have sex because they are not.

[rainbowsandroses]

20 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I don't think a person who gets emotional about sex should burden her casual sex partner with expectations about sex.

I don't either and didn't see where the OP did either.   If you read something different, I'd be curious where. 

From what I read she said NOT one word to him about how anxious she felt.  She contained her anxiety, and they scheduled another date. 

If one's emotions aren't a factor in their sexual experience on some level whether it's a ONS, casual, serious or something in between, then they're a robot. 

JMO, obviously you feel differently so let's just leave it there.