Have I been used?

[MsBlonde]

I started talking to this guy in December 23, conversations were every day and non stop. We went on a first date Christmas Eve and it was very romantic and clicked right away. Second date, dinner and drinks, third date I ask him round mine. We ended up sleeping together, it was really special and felt as though we had a connection. He then left for work and I didn’t hear from him all day. I felt afraid to reach out as in my gut I was thinking rejection. He did then message the next morning saying he had a great time and is looking forward to seeing me again soon. I responded but since then the conversation has really dried up. Part of me wants to message and check in on him yet I somehow feel I’m setting myself up for heartbreak. Do I keep my distance and wait for him to ask me out again? It’s been so long since I’ve dated anyone I’m so scared of being hurt but I really like him.

[kim42]

If you want to see him again, ask him out on a date. The worst thing that can happen is that he'll say no, but at least you will know.

[Wiseman2]

56 minutes ago, MsBlonde said:

. He did then message the next morning saying he had a great time and is looking forward to seeing me again soon. I responded but since then the conversation has really dried up. 

When is last time you heard from him? Are you afraid it was a one night stand? 

[MissCanuck]

If you were a willing participant in having sex and he didn’t make any particolar promises to you, you were not used. 

If what you’re really asking is if this was a one-and-done situation, it’s hard to say. Your use of the word “heartbreak” leads me to think you get emotionally attached quite easily, considering you hardly know the guy. So, be cautious about going to bed with a man too early if you know you get attached quickly through sex. There is always the risk that it won’t pan out and you’ll be left quite upset. 

In this case, I’d suggest getting together and see what he says. If he’s iffy, then you’ll have your answer and it’s best to move on. 

[MsBlonde]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

When is last time you heard from him? Are you afraid it was a one night stand? 

3 days ago. Which makes me question things as before we spoke every day 

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, MsBlonde said:

3 days ago. Which makes me question things as before we spoke every day 

How often do you see each other? Texting is not dating. If you would like to see him again in invite him on a date. 

[rainbowsandroses]

My take is before sex, he was on a sort of 'high,' he was attracted, his adrenaline was pumping, he was on a mission, he had a goal -- having sex with you.

Once you responded and were sexually intimate, his goal was accomplished and now he's thinking about what he wants to happen with you going forward and has taken a few steps back.

Possibly. 

It's also possible he simply lost interest after first time sex which is not uncommon.  It's why it's often advised that if you're a person who gets easily attached after sex, to wait a bit longer before having. 

Look personally I think it's lousy he's disappeared.  And I do not advise chasing him over the rainbow asking for another date.  

What I would do is back away myself and think about if this is the type of man YOU want.

A man who ignores you and disappears after you shared such an intimate experience together?

Whether he's "confused" or not I think it sucks and paves the way for what you can expect if things do move forward.

[Kwothe28]

"Used" implies you did something against your will. You invited a guy at your home and had consensual sex. Unless he promised to be with you if you have sex with him or something like that, you were not used. You just had sex with someone on your own free will. And now because you had sex and felt "connected"(lots of women even here on Forum say that thing, and how after sex they feel that since lots of women connect emotionally in order to have sex in a first place), you think you are somehow used because you involved those emotions into something that was maybe just pure physical thing.

And I am sorry,but it maybe was just that for him. I mean its only 3 days, but he did detached right after he sleped with you. You will have to be more careful about stuff like that in the future if you want to date. Dont get emotionally attached about somebody who maybe will never call you again after he gets "the cookie".

[Batya33]

Agree with Miss Canuck totally. Im sorry you’re disappointed he didn’t ask you out for another date. That early on people often change their minds and he hadn’t scheduled another date. Totally fine to call him and ask him out for a date you plan in advance. As far as your decision to have sex with him if you regret that at all I’d tell him in advance if you’d prefer to go out in public and have a romantic evening and also not have sex as I’d expect he’ll expect you’re good with sex being part of the evening plan. This way no potential awkwardness while on the date. If you’d enjoy having sex with him again then simply plan a date and decide on inviting him over or finding a place to have sex during the date. It’s all good.
 

I personally wouldn’t ask him out because he seems to not want to see you again but that’s totally your call. Can’t hurt to check in as long as you’re willing to plan a date. I woodmt call just to ask him why he didn’t call you. Silence most often means lack of interest in another date but as they say anything is possible ! 

[MsBlonde]

Thanks everyone, I think I’ve a got a much clearer idea on what’s going on now. I’m a sensitive soul and felt I made it very apparent early on with him that I was looking for something serious and not just a one night stand.

So it’s my own fault really for moving things along too quickly and expecting something great to come from it. ‘Used’ was a strong word,I shouldn’t have wrote that. I don’t regret the sex part I’m just saddened with the fact he gave up on me and I haven’t seen or heard from him since to find out why….Probably for the best. 

[rainbowsandroses]

41 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Can’t hurt to check in as long as you’re willing to plan a date.

I think it can hurt because he may accept, have sex, then disappear again. 

Telling himself 'well SHE initiated' so there's no guilt for essentially 'hitting and quitting.' 

@MsBlondeyou have all the information you need to make the right decision.

It appears this is a one and done, I'm sorry.  Big lesson learned for next time. 

 

 

[smackie9]

Men don't contact a woman because they don't want to. An interested man shows he is interested and would try to tie you down before someone else scoops you up. This was a one and done. I think you got way too excited about your connection you felt with him making yourself think it was a for sure thing. Players can be that...give the BF experience to get sex easily. He probably said all the right things, has seemingly lots in common with you, etc. This is why you need to be suspicious of this sort of instant connection...too good to be true. Got to give it time, see how he treats you, see if he takes the initiative, solid honest respectful consistent communication, takes you out on thoughtful dates, remembers how you like your coffee or your favorite things. That's when you know a guy is being receptive to you and your needs. 

 

[MsBlonde]

16 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Men don't contact a woman because they don't want to. An interested man shows he is interested and would try to tie you down before someone else scoops you up. This was a one and done. I think you got way too excited about your connection you felt with him making yourself think it was a for sure thing. Players can be that...give the BF experience to get sex easily. He probably said all the right things, has seemingly lots in common with you, etc. This is why you need to be suspicious of this sort of instant connection...too good to be true. Got to give it time, see how he treats you, see if he takes the initiative, solid honest respectful consistent communication, takes you out on thoughtful dates, remembers how you like your coffee or your favorite things. That's when you know a guy is being receptive to you and your needs. 

 

Yep, lesson learnt. At least I know now for next time and won’t be repeating these mistakes again. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I think it can hurt because he may accept, have sex, then disappear again. 

Telling himself 'well SHE initiated' so there's no guilt for essentially 'hitting and quitting.' 

@MsBlondeyou have all the information you need to make the right decision.

It appears this is a one and done, I'm sorry.  Big lesson learned for next time. 

 

 

Yes I wrote that essentially. It can hurt but who knows maybe another date with him and or sex with him is worth it to her.  I'm not her.  I don't think he did anything wrong at all.  I think she may have been dishonest with herself. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, MsBlonde said:

Thanks everyone, I think I’ve a got a much clearer idea on what’s going on now. I’m a sensitive soul and felt I made it very apparent early on with him that I was looking for something serious and not just a one night stand.

Sorry I just saw that.  You said this and next time if you mean that I'd make sure to be exclusive before having sex in light of your standards and values.  Did he promise it wasn't and promise to take you out again and that he saw potential for a serious relationship -even so I'd watch for consistent actions not just words. 

[rainbowsandroses]

24 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I don't think he did anything wrong at all. 

I don't either Bat.  Other than that it would have been nice if he communicated to her what was happening rather than disappear. 

In any event, it would appear he's no longer interested in pursuing and as such I don't think it's wise to be chasing him (or any man) by initiating and planning another date after he disappeared for 3 days after first time sex after coming on quite strong before the sex. 

That's just asking for more disappointment imo even IF he accepted for reasons stated in my previous.

I'm not against a woman initiating, just not under these circumstances and would never advise a woman to do so.

JMO.

[boltnrun]

It's super easy to pretend to have a lot in common with someone. All you need to do is say "OMG me too!" when they say they like olives or lacrosse or Hallmark Channel movies or Impressionist art. 

I'm sorry this didn't turn out the way you'd hoped, but it seems you know more now about how you want to conduct yourself when dating. 

[Sindy_0311]

38 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I don't think he did anything wrong at all

Well I think he did. Since she told him she was looking for something serious, he could at least let her know that he isn't interested anymore. I can't bear these fading behaviors. Also have to say that often times, after sex happens, a man would be a bit less communicative for 2 or 3 days, because of their hormones, but generally they come back strong once the desire is back. But if really there is nothing at all during three days, better assume he changed his mind. So sorry for you. 

[kim42]

3 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Well I think he did. Since she told him she was looking for something serious, he could at least let her know that he isn't interested anymore. I can't bear these fading behaviors. Also have to say that often times, after sex happens, a man would be a bit less communicative for 2 or 3 days, because of their hormones, but generally they come back strong once the desire is back. But if really there is nothing at all during three days, better assume he changed his mind. So sorry for you. 

The OP said she felt she made very apparent that she was looking for something serious, so I agree with you that he could have communicated better.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, MsBlonde said:

 He then left for work and I didn’t hear from him all day. I felt afraid to reach out as in my gut I was thinking rejection. He did then message the next morning saying he had a great time and is looking forward to seeing me again soon.

You did nothing wrong. Early sex isn't destined to be a one and done. The only way to know for sure is to invite him out rather than assuming the worst. If he doesn't reply enthusiastically, you'll have your answer.

However you seemed to have panicked the next morning even though he Did contact you and Did want to get together again.

Please don't buy into antiquated milk and cow nonsense. Have confidence in yourself as a whole woman. 

 

[boltnrun]

1 minute ago, kim42 said:

The OP said she felt she made very apparent that she was looking for something serious, so I agree with you that he could have communicated better.

I do think it's important to have your actions match what it is you want. If you want a serious relationship, having sex before you're fairly certain the other person also wants a serious relationship WITH YOU is risky. It's also hard to fault him if you willingly had sex without determining if you two had decided to at least date each other with the goal of seeing if you two are compatible for a relationship. 

The times I had sex without determining what the man wanted, I was fine if it turned out to be a one time thing. But when I wanted a serious relationship (like with my husband), there was no sex for about three months. We both were sure at that point that we wanted to be an exclusive couple. I didn't want him to be a "one and done" and he didn't want that either. 

[Coily]

Sex makes everything complicated, we can't really ascribe any motivations to this guy fairly. We can do pattern recognition.

My thinking is he was interested in sex and maybe more, but after sex his brain just switched off on the more. Happens for both sexes, heck happened to me on the receiving end, then got the "lets just be friends." Now it's not wrong to just ping him to see if he's alive so to speak, sometimes a massive all encompassing bit of life happens and people get lost in that. That said, don't initiate any plans for a date.

Unfortunately he didn't get more interested after sex, and that's a shame. The old line goes, "women gate keep sex and men gate keep relationships."

I hope you find someone who is right for you.

[rainbowsandroses]

It's fine if it's a one and done, but for the love of all things beautiful, why not tell her that versus ghosting? 

If they had not been sexually intimate, after two dates, fine, disappear, but sex means something to most people.

Women especially and the OP did express to him she wanted something serious.  

It's simply the kind thing to do, and reflects good character and integrity imo.  Not just disappearing like a spineless coward. 

@MsBlondeforget about him and I'm sorry this happened.  

 

[boltnrun]

And that's why I think it's important to act in our own best interest. If I am someone who views sex as something reserved for committed love relationships I should get clear with the person before having sex. Trying to backtrack one's feelings afterward is much more difficult.

But again, this is how we learn. If no one ever did anything that wasn't exactly right for them we'd all stagnate. 

[rainbowsandroses]

13 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

And that's why I think it's important to act in our own best interest. If I am someone who views sex as something reserved for committed love relationships I should get clear with the person before having sex. Trying to backtrack one's feelings afterward is much more difficult.

But again, this is how we learn. If no one ever did anything that wasn't exactly right for them we'd all stagnate. 

I agree @boltnrun.  Of couse OP should own her role and big lesson learned.

But another poster said she didn't think he did anything wrong and he didn't as far as "using" her as she was a willing participant.

But again, if he changed his mind or otherwise needs to step back for whatever reason, which it appears he has, why not communicate that versus disappearing? 

That's the only issue I have with his behavior.