Mid 30s woman and kinda feel like I wasted my youth with my partners problems.

[SarahAnne]

I am mid 30s woman and kinda feel like I wasted my youth with my partners problems. He is extremely problematic and has many mental and physical downsides and the major problem is he really feels like our relationship is perfectly good this way because I stand by his side during all those years with no complaint whatsoever. But now I feel like I wasted my life. To be honest, he is my first and only lover and also a good person seemingly but I saw him flirting with other women online and watching extremely weird porn but when it comes to reality he is like a kitten. We have never had a real sex life and also he doesn't want have kids either because he always said that he doesn't feel good enough to have kids due to his problems. I did everything to help him to get better in my way. Never looked at any other guys or anything. I loved him through all these years but now I feel like I was really fooled. It is not like we are unattractive people either we are actually pretty okay but in the end we have nothing in hand to feel this way. I am completely lost and don't know what to do about it. Where I am right now is, my partner is perfectly good living his life this way and doing what he feels the most comforting for him but in return I am completely lost because I just wanted to have a reliable husband and normal family life but I ended in nothing. I have tried to talked about our problems but he said he doesn't want to hear about it at all. ***? Did I just wasted my life for a problematic guy who is unworthy? I don't want to cheat at all but he makes me feel like every minute i spend with him is a waste. Any guy over there who says women are *** go f..k yourselves.

[Andrina]

You can start over at any point in your life. Dwell on the thoughts of wasting your youth for only enough time to use it as a great reason to leave now, so no more of your life is wasted in unhappiness.

I don't suggest jumping into another relationship after so long in being part of a couple. Be alone and engage in activities that will feed your soul. Practice self-care. Learn what will bring joy into your life, whether it be new interests/hobbies, forming new friendships in those hobbies, enjoying quiet solo time by reading novels you can get lost in. Invite a friend to go to a concert or over for a meal, or to meander around the mall.

Many wish we'd done things differently in the past, but there's no going back in time. Best to think about the present and future and feel good about how you're being proactive and working toward your life's goals.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

 

[Batya33]

I wrote a long post. And it couldn’t be posted. I started over at 38.5.  But I really wanted marriage and family. If you do ask yourself why you stayed this long. I’m 57 and a married mom to the right person. 

[Coily]

Are you married? Using "Partner" always begs the question.

How long have you been trying to address this with him?

It sounds like you are filled with resentment of this man, and that will only build given the lack of communication between you two. Have you two had a calm proactive conversation about how you feel or do these expressions of your needs only happen after you have reached a boiling point? If he is feeling defensive in this conversation, with his history, no doubt he will double down about not changing.

You do have a choice, you can end the relationship and start over, or you can stay and work on this (if possible). I hate to say many will just blindly jump at ending it (and I lean there myself for both your sakes), but you have to ask is there any return on investment from this relationship. Are there things you would deeply miss?

Cheating is always a scummy solution to relationship problems. Fix it or leave, don't drag anyone through the hades of cheating.

 

[ShySoul]

No moment of life is wasted. Every moment builds on the ones before and can be used to propel us to the ones in the future, possibly better moments in the future. It is also not a waste to try to be there for someone, to help them out. That's being a good, caring person. What they do with that their life has no bearing on what kind of person you are or your value. 

If you are not happy with your current situation, change it. It's never too late to change course or pursue new goals. Forget about him for a moment and look at who you are and what sparks joy within you. What is your life like outside the relationship? Are you working and if so, is it something you enjoy? Do you have other friends? Hobbies that can keep you energized and happy? Focus on the things that you enjoy and give your life meaning. If you find yourself struggling to answer these questions, that's okay too. Ask youself what are the things you always wanted to do. What is it, outside of the relationship, that you feel you are missing out on? Find ways to fulfill those missing factors first. 

Once you begin to build the life that you want for yourself, see how he reacts. Be honest with him and tell him you need more then what you getting out of the relationship. Even if he doesn't want to hear it, make it clear you need to say it. Make clear that not everything is fine and that he might be okay, but that you aren't happy. There's a chance that if he sees you doing all these other things and is confronted with the possibility of losing you, it might wake him up. But if it doesn't, realize that you tried and that it really is better to be apart. Relationships should be about each person being willing to make the other person happy, putting their partner above themselves. If he is not willing to do this, it's better for both parties to not be together.

Hope things improve for you. You deserve everything you've dreamed of.

[MissCanuck]

10 hours ago, SarahAnne said:

Did I just wasted my life for a problematic guy who is unworthy?

You are absolutely wasting your time, yes. 

However, you can get a fresh start and a happy relationship. It just will never happen with this man. 

[Kwothe28]

I dont like the term "unworthy". It suggests somebody is not worthy of your love. Which is a harsh thing to say about somebody who you, pressumably, spend a lots of times together. People are usually not inherently bad people. You spent years together so even if he is that bad, that reflects also on you for being with somebody like him. Its kinda a two way street. 

Instead, "incompatible" is a better term. Your partner is contempt in living life in the way he is. While you, from what you wrote, want kids, family and normal sex life. That is basic incompatibility. You just want different stuff. And that is OK, you deserve and are worthy of somebody who wants the same and your partner should have somebody who wants the same as him. And its clear you dont get what you want with him so both should seek different partners. 

By "seek different partners" I dont mean cheat. That is just a bad way of thinking about it and makes me wonder if somebody is already trying to give you the attention your partner doesnt. If you want different partner who would want what you want, break up and then seek it. Dont cheat just because you think your relationship is bad. It doesnt justify your bad actions. 

Same with "wasting your life" stuff. If you think in that way OK. But you are still fairy young, can find different partner, have a family and kids you want. Life isnt about who gets to a destination first. Its about who achieves the goals they want. And again you still have time to do that. 

[smackie9]

End the relationship and start fresh by being single and just date,...discover who you are, build a life of your own, grow, and go forward. Then you will be ready to get into a relationship that enhances your life, not take it over. 

[Cherylyn]

The longer you remain with him,  the more time,  energy and resources you waste on him.  Your hopes and dreams do not align.  Therefore,  is he worth it?  Answer that question for yourself and then you will know for certain.

[catfeeder]

I think I'd ask myself why I would characterize my partner as fooling me, even while I continue to refer to him my partner?

All relationships being voluntary, I'd consider blame as being useless to the most important question: what barriers have I created for myself that have prevented me from pursuing the life that I actually want?

We only get one crack at this. Make the right decision for you.

Write more if it helps.