What do you do when you've outgrown a friendship

[L.K]

I met my friend "Carly" during freshman orientation in my freshman year of high school. We immediately clicked and were really close friends, and did nearly everything together. This continued throughout high school and several teachers and faculty would point out that it was rare to see one of us without the other.

I am now in my 1st year of university and can't help but feel we've outgrown each other. We go to two universities that are in different states, so we don't see each other much and I know distance changes relationship dynamics.... but now she only calls me to complain. About everything. And when I try to give her solutions she refuses to try anything to make her situation better. When we talk on the phone, it's always about her, and I can nearly never get a word in. When I talk to her, I feel like a therapist, and sometimes invisible. She also makes an effort to all her other friends, most of whom are mutual friends, when she comes home from uni, but never seems interested in wanting to see me, even though I offer every time.

She only seems interested when I talk about guys, but my life is so much more than that now. On top of my classes, which I'm enjoying, I'm doing research and volunteering, none of which she cares about or is interested in hearing about. She doesn't reply to my texts or videos I send her, and she only calls me to talk about something going on in her life. 

I get no one is perfect, I'm sure not. But a friend should be someone you can tell your joys and concerns to, and she is not that person for me.

I've brought this stuff up to her before, but she hasn't changed. She's called me a few times since I've decided to put distance between us, but I haven't answered. I just can't keep listening to old high school drama or listening to her complain. I'll probably continue to put distance between us. What do you do when you realize you've outgrown a relationship? Do I owe her an explanation of how I'm feeling? I want to talk to her about it but don't know how to tell her all this without making her feel like I'm bashing her character. I still love her as she's a great person, just not so much a great friend.

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, L.K said:

Ive brought this stuff up to her before, but she hasn't changed. She's called me a few times since 

It does seem like you've grown apart. That's ok. You're enjoying your campus life and broadening your horizons. It doesn't seem malicious on her part, maybe she's just unhappy. You're doing the right thing by simply distancing yourself. There's no point trying to change anyone. 

[Kwothe28]

54 minutes ago, L.K said:

She doesn't reply to my texts or videos I send her, and she only calls me to talk about something going on in her life. 

Sounds like a one sided friendship. Unfortunately, lots of friendships spirals out when you geopgraphically distance yourself. People change and yes, even outgrow each other. No, you dont owe her an explanation for putting the distance there. If she asks tell her that you are busy and thats it.

[Starlight925]

You’ve become her emotional support animal.  There for her in any way she needs, but your needs are not being met in any way. 
  Distance yourself from this one-sided, negative energy by simply not returning her calls.  You’ve tried to talk to her, but she’s in such a selfish, negative place that she doesn’t listen. 
  At some point, she will hopefully be in a place to hear what you have to say, but it’s not now.  And unfortunately, this may be who she just is, so you will just move on in life without her. 
 I’m so sorry this has happened.  Finding a great friend is rare; losing that connection is difficult. 

[catfeeder]

So this friend takes you for granted, even while she steps up for other friends with whom she hasn't been so close. That's kind of like when a family member shows you their garbage mood but perks up to sound kind to a neighbor. It's annoying, but I guess this is the origin of the cliche', "familiarity breeds contempt". 

I've learned not to burn bridges by 'ending' anything, I just pause it or fade it out. It's perfectly natural for long friendships to diverge over time and then come back together again down the road. No two people living separate lives can maintain a perfectly parallel focus even while their priorities shift or they grow in different areas at different rates. Fading allows room for things to cycle back later in life when you might strike a better relationship the next time around.

[Lambert]

 

On 12/27/2023 at 2:24 AM, L.K said:

What do you do when you realize you've outgrown a relationship?

What you're doing. 

On 12/27/2023 at 2:24 AM, L.K said:

Do I owe her an explanation of how I'm feeling? 

Well, you've tried telling her.

Talking to her will hurt her and create drama. I would do as you're doing and only talk to her about it if she asks. 

In time you'll fad away. That's how it is sometimes. it's ok.

[Cherylyn]

If I were your friend,  I would want at least a cordial parting as opposed to being ignored which is passive aggressive behavior.  I wouldn't want excuses that you're busy.  There is a way to practice good diplomacy while remaining unwavering and firm.  Simply text her that both of you are incompatible and it's best to go your separate ways.  Request no contact, end with 'thank you for respecting my wishes' and then sign off with your name.  This is good manners while ensuring your clarity.  If she is relentless,  then block and delete.  You gave her fair warning so it's ok to make it final and a serious 'no.'  There is a way to part ways with class.👍 🙂