Decisions

[Confused.com]

Very long term partner (20 years) cheated on me. I found out but she carried on months on end and also fell pregnant but had an abortion. We have 2 young children 9 and 6 but she would not give in and focus on our family, it broke my heart and she eventually moved out 9 months after me finding out. 1 month after that and after formally settling everything (pay out etc) she decided to change her mind and wanted to come back after she split with the other guy. We shared the kids 50/50 but we both missed them desperately when not with them. 

I met someone else not long before she moved out and this person is really lovely to me, we have lots in common and our time together is great and i feel at ease and so comfortable with her. I feel I could already trust her with my life.

However, part of me wants to allow my ex to move back in solely for the sake of the children and my own well being so we can revert to normal as a family. I will never trust my ex again or touch her again in a sexual manner because i feel so betrayed and I’m stubborn. I don’t even want to share a bed and I know i’ll keep biting when feeling angry. 

I am so torn whether to go on this new path with the person i am seeing. She also has two young children and i just struggle to see me eventually living as a family with children that are not my own, i also think my own will struggle with that arrangement. We see each other 3 times a week but we would both like more but are taking it slow and treading carefully with children involved.

i just don’t know what to do. At the moment I’m leaning towards allowing my ex back in a non conventional relationship, but i would have to accept leaving a new relationship as that would not be fair or acceptable but it would kill me to break it off as it’s a chance of a new start with no baggage as such.

any help would be really appreciated!

[MissCanuck]

7 minutes ago, Confused.com said:

part of me wants to allow my ex to move back in

This will put an end to your new relationship. No sane woman is ever going to date a man whose ex lives with him. Whose idea was this? Yours or your ex's? 

It's very ill-advised on every level. Learn to co-parent from separate homes. Millions of exes do this all the time, and successfully. You don't need to move her back in, and in fact, that is recipe for disaster since it is very unlikely to work out, and eventually Mom will move out again. Don't put the children (or yourself) through this. 

[Confused.com]

5 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

This will put an end to your new relationship. No sane woman is ever going to date a man whose ex lives with him. Whose idea was this? Yours or your ex's? 

It's very ill-advised on every level. Learn to co-parent from separate homes. Millions of exes do this all the time, and successfully. You don't need to move her back in, and in fact, that is recipe for disaster since it is very unlikely to work out, and eventually Mom will move out again. Don't put the children (or yourself) through this. 

I accept it would put an end to a new relationship and i acknowledged that in the last paragraph.

It wasn’t my idea, it was my exs, and I must admit i have considered it but for my kids sake only, not mine. Myex really struggles with the kids on her own and i feel i’m not putting my children best interests first. I was doing ok and this threw me off track, i have been taken for a complete fool so don’t even know why its an option but feel i have some form of stockholm syndrome.

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, Confused.com said:

, part of me wants to allow my ex to move back in solely for the sake of the children and my own well being so we can revert to normal as a family.  the person i am seeing who also has two young children and i just struggle to see me eventually living as a family with children that are not my own.

How long have you been with your current GF? Please focus on appropriate coparenting with the mother of your children. Your ex moving back in seems to be for your sake, why is that? 

You seem to have jumped into a rebound relationship. If it's not working out with her please let her know. However living in this "arrangement",  with their mother is nothing but confusing and destructive for your children. 

[MissCanuck]

Moving your ex back into your house will in no way be best for your children. 

You need to develop some boundaries, and most importantly, your self-worth. 

[Confused.com]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you been with your current GF? Please focus on appropriate coparenting with the mother of your children. Your ex moving back in seems to be for your sake, why is that? 

You seem to have jumped into a rebound relationship. If it's not working out with her please let her know. However living in this "arrangement",  with their mother is nothing but confusing and destructive for your children. 

We have been seen each other for 6 months now. It is working out well, there are no issues there and she is a really great person.

it’s not necessarily for my sake, i was ok and adjusting well, but my ex suggested it as she was struggling mentally and it threw me off track. 

[Lambert]

I don't think it's healthy for kids to grow up with parents that only stayed together for them. 

You think you can hold your tongue and hide building resentment and no one will notice?  That's not realistic at all.

Kids know. They pick up on things. 

If you can't see yourself integrating the families with your current girlfriend, then end it because of that. Stop wasting her time.

It's not a one or the other problem.... 

There is a third choice.  Learn to co- parent and focus on healing yourself. 

[Confused.com]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you been with your current GF? Please focus on appropriate coparenting with the mother of your children. Your ex moving back in seems to be for your sake, why is that? 

You seem to have jumped into a rebound relationship. If it's not working out with her please let her know. However living in this "arrangement",  with their mother is nothing but confusing and destructive for your children. 

.

[Confused.com]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you been with your current GF? Please focus on appropriate coparenting with the mother of your children. Your ex moving back in seems to be for your sake, why is that? 

You seem to have jumped into a rebound relationship. If it's not working out with her please let her know. However living in this "arrangement",  with their mother is nothing but confusing and destructive for your children. 

We have been seen each other for 6 months now. It is working out well, there are no issues there and she is a really great person.

it’s not necessarily for my sake, i was ok and adjusting well, but my ex suggested it as she was struggling mentally and it threw me off track. 

[Wiseman2]

26 minutes ago, Confused.com said:

. We shared the kids 50/50 but we both missed them desperately when not with them.

You can go to court and modify this especially if their mother is mentally unstable. Why not apply for full custody with visitation with their mother?  This way you could be with your children more without this disastrous plan of living together. 

[rainbowsandroses]

11 minutes ago, Lambert said:

I don't think it's healthy for kids to grow up with parents that only stayed together for them. 

You think you can hold your tongue and hide building resentment and no one will notice?  That's not realistic at all.

Kids know. They pick up on things. 

If you can't see yourself integrating the families with your current girlfriend, then end it because of that. Stop wasting her time.

It's not a one or the other problem.... 

There is a third choice.  Learn to co- parent and focus on healing yourself. 

This! 

OP, I grew up with parents who stayed together for the kids.  There was no love whatsoever between them and believe me when I say that was more harmful to me than if they had divorced and co-parented. 

Which they did eventually but the damage had already been done during my formative years. 

I agree with learning to co-parent.

Good luck. 

[Confused.com]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

You can go to court and modify this especially if their mother is mentally unstable. Why not apply for full custody with visitation with their mother?  This way you could be with your children more without this disastrous plan of living together. 

I just don’t feel comfortable with that, she is unstable because of her own decision making and the consequences of her actions. She is a good mom but has problems getting organised which is her downfall I think and that is why she is struggling to cope along with her regret.

[Andrina]

You would not be doing the children a favor by entering into this unconventional lifestyle. Yes, learning a new dynamic, missing the kids when your ex takes them for visits, isn't easy. But new routines take time to adjust. Think of it as time to yourself, which everyone needs to decompress.

You say you will have biting anger toward the ex while you're cohabiting. I don't see how that is beneficial to the children. They will feel the toxicity. When a parent is happy, that is beneficial to the children, as they will see what the parent is doing to achieve that, and perhaps model themselves after a parent living a mentally healthy lifestyle.

If you can't see yourself combining households in the future with your new lady, you are wasting her time unless she's in total agreement you two won't live together until all of the children have flown the nest. If you haven't shared those thoughts in fear of losing her, you're being selfish. She needs to know this.

It's okay to be alone for a while and solely concentrate on the children, helping them evolve into this new family dynamic. I know my husband stayed single 2 and a half years after his previous marriage failed. His daughter was about 11 or 12 at the time and he just concentrated on parenting until he felt fully ready to enter the dating world again. I feel like he did himself a favor with that plan since he's been a great partner to me.

You don't owe your ex any favors. She dug her own hole. Of course, you can act decently around her for the sake of the kids, but that just goes for co-parenting under separate roofs. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[Wiseman2]

53 minutes ago, Confused.com said:

, part of me wants to allow my ex to move back in solely for  my own well being so we can revert to normal as a family. 

It seems like you punished her for cheating and now want her back. This is not for your children. 

[shouldhavelearned]

Why go back to her?

 

She only wants you because it didn't work with the other guy.

[smackie9]

Your ex will only be using you until the next opportunity comes along. She made her bed, let her lie in it.

[boltnrun]

It would be more harmful for the children if you two keep bouncing back and forth between living together and not living together.

Will she still be dating while you're in this arrangement? What happens when she meets the next man she decides she wants to be with? Will she bring him to your shared home? Have him stay overnight? Move him in and then you get the joy of hearing them have sex?  Or perhaps she would move back out?

And will she expect you to pay all of the bills such as utilities and groceries while she's living with you?

This isn't good for anyone except as a convenience for her. 

[catfeeder]

It would be a mess to move back in together. Think. Are you each volunteering to babysit the children for the other to take off with other lovers? 

At this time you have a scheduled setup that doesn't require two exes rubbing the others' nose in their affairs. 

[LotusBlack]

3 hours ago, boltnrun said:

It would be more harmful for the children if you two keep bouncing back and forth between living together and not living together.

Will she still be dating while you're in this arrangement? What happens when she meets the next man she decides she wants to be with? Will she bring him to your shared home? Have him stay overnight? Move him in and then you get the joy of hearing them have sex?  Or perhaps she would move back out?

And will she expect you to pay all of the bills such as utilities and groceries while she's living with you?

This isn't good for anyone except as a convenience for her. 

This 👆🏼OP! All really great points/questions. 

My sister lived together with her ex until the children were teens, though they broke up when they were small. Neither of them dated during that time as per their agreement. It was the most toxic, destabilising environment for all involved. It’s the worst idea and will ruin your children’s healthy memories of the family of four you previously were.

You say you don’t feel comfortable with applying for full custody despite the fact your ex is struggling, but I would at least make an appointment with a licensed therapist for your ex and you to attend together to learn how to/to navigate co-parenting. It is not for the purpose of counselling your relationship and relationship breakdown - do that in an individual counselling session - but to discuss in a safe space with guidance by a professional the process of co-parenting and the new family dynamic.