she cheated, but i still love her so much

[Karim]

let me give a few details, i'm 20 y,o and so she is...

so i've known this girl for 3 years, and i've been with her in relationship since june 2022, i loved her since we knew each other, but at that time she had a bf that she broke up with for being very toxic with her, after some time, she knew that i was in love with her and asked "can i be your gf?" and ofc i accepted

we've been together since then, even though she was really nice girl that shares so many interests like me, but she was always insecure about herself and constantly telling me she doesn't deserve such a loyal and nice guy like me, but all i did is that i tried to comfort her all time and try to make her realize she had wrong thoughts about herself, i supported her every day and night, i was ready to stay awake all night texting her if i notice she needs someone to listen or stay with...

i give all, and i thought yes this is the one, considering i never had a gf before and this is my first experience.

Now, her BIRTHDAY was last month, she always knew how i was so excited about her bd coming, but that bd night, she tells me she has lost feelings to me and can't stay with me anymore, I LITERALLY DIDN'T KNOW WHERE THAT CAME FROM, since that day i've been trying my best to fix things but all she says is that she doesn't love me anymore AND she doesn't even deserve to be loved and doesn't deserve to have a "perfect guy like me" as she says...

3 days ago, i recieved screenshots showing her sexting someone that she knew for 3 days, (this happened in january), I was shocked, i didn't expect her to do such thing ever, she told me about this guy but all she said is that someone tried to sext her but she stopped him and blocked him, she did actually block him but that was after she had a hot sex chat with him...

I told her about it and she said "see? told you i dont deserve you... what do you think about me now?"

She cheated, lied, and then left me alone not knowing whats happening at all, but i really still have very strong feelings for her that are not letting me focus on anything in life, i keep thinking about her, her situation is hard and her life is very rough, her family is toxic and i STILL THINK I CANT LEAVE HER ALONE EVEN AFTER ALL SHE DID, i know i'm wrong, i should leave her, but her life is hard and i cant let it go just like this...

she just doesn't want me to exist in her life at this point, all she says is "i don't deserve anyone to love me, i need to be alone always... this is who i am, just a liar and a cheater(sometimes calling herself a B****)

help me, what should i do im very very lost i still love her when i shouldn't...

[catfeeder]

Who sent you the screenshot, and why?

[Karim]

the guy she sexted did, he said i should leave her because she's a cheater.

[Batya33]

This is not about her not deserving you as she claims. It’s about her values and preferences. She values getting sexual pleasure over keeping promises and acting in a loyal way. She prefers to seek out sexual partners instead of dating you. You two are not a good match. Love is not enough.  I’d avoid interacting with her also so you don’t get entangled with people who justify sending screenshots of sexting. 

[catfeeder]

18 minutes ago, Karim said:

the guy she sexted did, he said i should leave her because she's a cheater.

How did he get your number?

[Karim]

he knew i was her boyfriend because at that time we had matching bios, so he added me and texted me those

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, Karim said:

and constantly telling me she doesn't deserve such a loyal and nice guy like me..

2 hours ago, Karim said:

all she says is that she doesn't love me anymore AND she doesn't even deserve to be loved and doesn't deserve to have a "perfect guy like me" as she says...

2 hours ago, Karim said:

she says is "i don't deserve anyone to love me, i need to be alone always... 

Hello @Karim. 

First off, I'm so sorry you have become emotionally entangled with a person like this.

Please read the above three quotes taken from your original post.

Your ex-girl is very very damaged, emotionally.  It's clear she does NOT love herself and it's been said and written time and time again, which I believe, one simply cannot love anyone else unless and until they love themselves first.

And will push anyone and everyone away who attempts to love them or does love them.

In this case, that happens to be you. 😞

I've done same when going through a bad period in my life.  I 'hated' (using this word loosely) myself and not proud to admit but was very cruel at times to those who cared and loved me, and I pushed them away. 

What I'm saying is this is not a reflection on you, as a man, boyfriend or human being.

It's about HER, her fears, her anxieties, her 'hatred' of herself.

As far as you still loving her despite her cheating etc, that's normal!

We cannot just turn off deep feelings and emotions like a lightswitch when being treated poorly or our partner betrays us.  Feelings and emotions do not work that way.

What we CAN do is wish them well and walk away.  So we can heal and move on.

Here, she has pushed you away but it doesn't matter. She's damaged and literally incapable of bonding, developing healthy attachments and loving another human being.   So you must walk away - for your own self and healing.

As she said herself, she is not deserving of it and as such will sabotage any relationship or interaction that interferes with her self-destructive thought process.

Please be patient with yourself.  It will take time. 

But time DOES heal and I speak from experience when saying that.

And trust me I have been to hell, but made my way back eventually.

You will too, I promise you.  

 

 

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Karim said:

i know i'm wrong, i should leave her, but her life is hard 

Eh, she seems to be dancing through life without much care for you, so I wouldn't concern yourself with how hard she apparently has it. If she needed your love and support to deal with her hard life, she wouldn't have cheated and risked losing you. 

1 hour ago, Karim said:

this is who i am, just a liar and a cheater

Well, she's not wrong. That is exactly what she is. Maybe she will grow out of it, but she's making hurtful choices and doesn't seem to care that much. 

1 hour ago, Karim said:

she just doesn't want me to exist in her life

This is for the best. There is no reason she should be in yours, either. She wants to move on and you need to do, too. 

It will take time to get over her and move on from the pain she has caused you. But you will. And you will meet a much better woman in the future. 

[Batya33]

Who cares if she is emotionally damaged or just acting like a self-centered jerk? She's not a person you should be associating with at this time - maybe she'll make better choices at a different time but she's choosing to risk losing you so let her do so.

[rainbowsandroses]

58 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Who cares if she is emotionally damaged or just acting like a self-centered jerk? She's not a person you should be associating with at this time - maybe she'll make better choices at a different time but she's choosing to risk losing you so let her do so.

I agree! 

I mentioned she was emotionally damaged in my post for @Karimsake.

So he wouldn't take her cheating and the rejection so personally and that it in NO way is a reflection on him, as a man, boyfriend or human being.

Knowing that could help in his healing, but other than that, yes absolutely he should be choosing to no longer associate with her for the reasons you stated and more!!

[catfeeder]

5 hours ago, Karim said:

he said i should leave her because she's a cheater.

I'm confused. I thought she already broke up with you.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Karim said:

let me give a few details, i'm 20 y,o ..she just doesn't want me to exist in her life at this point, all she says is "i don't deserve anyone to love me, i need to be alone always... this is who i am, just a liar and a cheater(sometimes calling herself a B****)

Sorry this is happening. It seems like you dodged a bullet. She seems toxic and messed up. You may have been infatuated enough to overlook a lot of red flags.

However this situation is nothing but headaches and heartaches.Set yourself completely free from this nightmare and delete and block her and ALL her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. 

[Andrina]

You're young and will make mistakes in dating, but please make note of those mistakes or you are bound to repeat them. She came with a warning label that she voiced. Next time a woman does this, no matter how pretty or engaging her personality, make an immediate exit. She knew herself better than you, so you should have listened. She gave you that warning to ease a bit of guilt for herself when she knew exactly what would happen. She used you for a time that suited her, and then she left and spouted what anybody could have predicted: Told you so.

White knights might feel good for a time, but then when everything falls apart, the knight just hurts himself.

Mentally healthy partners don't need a white knight. She needs a normal man who will make her a priority and treat her right, while she makes the same effort toward her man.

Block and delete. Eventually you can heal and move on and love someone who is a decent partner.

[lostandhurt]

Making excuses for her will not undo what she has done and will continue to do in her life so you can be together. She told you who she is so why not listen?  She has shown you who she is so why not see?

  There are messed up people out there for all kinds of reasons.  Some like your ex need constant validation from others all the time to feel like they are attractive, wanted or desired.  They rarely seek out the attention to feel loved like you offered her because they are not capable.  

 You are feeling the loss of what you thought was perfect because you haven't been in a relationship before. This isn't how it should be, you cannot save her from herself and you cannot make her treat you like she should.  She is selfish and uncaring and you got caught up in her wake.

It sucks and hurts but in time you will see that she actually did you a huge favor.

 Lost 

[Kwothe28]

18 hours ago, Karim said:

see? told you i dont deserve you... what do you think about me now?

And why dont you believe her?

18 hours ago, Karim said:

i don't deserve anyone to love me, i need to be alone always... this is who i am, just a liar and a cheater(sometimes calling herself a B****)

And again, why dont you believe her?

When somebody tells you and shows you who they are, you should believe them. Not trying to save them. They dont want salvation. They want to be the way they are. You started all of this by her having a boyfriend and talking with you. You shouldnt be surprised she talks and cheats with other men while she is with you. Its just who she is. And if you dont want to become one of those relationships where one partner is openly cheating while other just allows it, you need to leave all of this. You would be more happier alone then with somebody like that, believe me.

[Batya33]

17 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I agree! 

I mentioned she was emotionally damaged in my post for @Karimsake.

So he wouldn't take her cheating and the rejection so personally and that it in NO way is a reflection on him, as a man, boyfriend or human being.

Knowing that could help in his healing, but other than that, yes absolutely he should be choosing to no longer associate with her for the reasons you stated and more!!

I see - I don't relate to that - since I am not a professional there is no way I can analyze someone/use psychological terms if that person hurts me - I can simply chalk it up to that person having acted like a jerk and not take it personally -or if I do - then I can examine whether I was too much of a target.  I don't need to grasp beyond my layperson knowledge and tell myself the person has deeper troubles/a diagnosis. I respect that that works for you!

[smackie9]

Hey we have all been there...in love with the wrong person. I bet money on it her ex wasn't toxic...she made him go toxic with her infidelity/lies. She's just repeating the process with you. Sorry hun but it's best to get out of it now...for good!

Tip: when things comes out of nowhere...they have met someone else. That's when you dump them promptly.