Need advice please

[4dsc]

Hey guys, would like some advice. I'll try to keep it as simple as possible. I'm a 38 year old male aries. Gf is 36 yo female scorpio.. together for 10 years. Share 2 beautiful kids. Ages 10 and 5. We are not the best match personality wise but we made it work for this long. 2 months ago, we got into one of our rare fights. She said some stuff, I said some stuff. I'm an impulsive aries, so I say messed up stuff I don't always mean out of anger but then take it back and apologize. Learned my lesson after all this. Normally we somehow make up, usually she will make the first move, but not always.. this time I was really hurt and so was she, and we played the silent treatment. She was waiting for me to apologize which I did a month later because I realized i was wrong but during our silent time, she fell out of love and started remembering every bad thing I did and didn't do.

Honestly they weren't even that bad compared to what other men do. She's just referring to me being kind of bossy and dominant but I never did it in a disrespectful way or for no reason. Everything i did was to improve our life with the kids. I never cheat or flirt, I do 100% of the cooking and cleaning, and take care of the kids as I'm retired and financially stable. She is a pharmacist that started in a new place and has to work many hours due to senority including overnights. So she is very tired and sleeps most of the time. Doesnt do anything else except pay most of the bills and sleep. I'm surprised I took this crap this long but I'm super resilient and really love her. She is also heavily medicated on anti depressants for most of her life.. i told her she doesn't need to work and to spend time with her family but she is scared to be jobless and uninsured. All her problems stem from her work I believe.

Recently I over heard her conversation with her therapist.(hope I don't get flamed too bad for this) How she is super happy being friends with me but doesn't want anymore sex. For me that's not enough. I'm not the friend zone type of guy. This therapist is evil btw. The whole time my girl is telling her our problems, this snake is telling her to find a new relationship. Each time my gf tells her she is not interested and wants me to do that first and leave because she doesn't want to hurt me that way, the therapist continues to insist on her finding new love. Unfortunately I can't do anything about this as she will for sure hate me for listening in(I did it for my protection and so I don't waste my time.. because I thought there was still a chance for us but clearly she moved on. I know it was wrong and don't want to do it again. But I have all the info I need now) so that is my little gift from God that I got the inside scoop of her mind, but now my question is.. is there anything I can do to make her fall in love with me again?

She wants to co parent and be friends but her not sleeping with me is the worst disrespect I can endure. She told the therapist she'll have sex with me in 30 years btw. If I'm willing to be friends with her that long. Brutal I know lol.  I also know she will find someone else in the future and I will suffer even more so I need to find someone else faster to get over her. Is there nothing that can be done to make her want to come back? I tried being perfect for a month and treating her even more like a queen then I normally do but I see it wasn't enough. I went back to the silent treatment because I will not be friendzoned. I took over all the bills as well to show her that I am the alpha male that she may or may not need subconsciously.

I think that is the biggest issue of our whole relationship at the end of the day weather she wants to admit it or not. If I needed a fully submissive wife, I should have been the bread winner from the start. I just never thought she cared. I know she is toxic for me, but I love her so much and can't let go. I tried dating apps to get my mind off her but I can't stand these fake stuck up women on there. That's why they are all single.. All my long time relationships end like this. I give them my heart, they use me and fall out of love with me after many years and throw me away. This last one taught me to never love so deeply again. So tired of this.  In my opinion she is being very selfish and unappreciative she will understand her mistake like the others did but it will be too late by then. I love her so much. All I ever got from her was starfish sex after the kids were born and here I am still trying.  I wish there was a way to fix things. But in this messed up world, it would require a miracle. 😔 

[Wiseman2]

28 minutes ago, 4dsc said:

 except pay most of the bills and sleep. she is scared to be jobless and uninsured.  I tried dating apps to get my mind off her but I can't stand these fake stuck up women on there. 

Are you still living together? Why are you on dating apps?

She's smart to keep her job for the salary, independence and benefits. Unfortunately she seems checked out and there seems to be too much conflict and machismo arguments. 

Focus on being the best father you can be. Figure out an agreeable coparenting plan  with child support and custody/visitation. 

[4dsc]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you still living together? Why are you on dating apps?

She's smart to keep her job for the salary, independence and benefits. Unfortunately she seems checked out and there seems to be too much conflict and machismo arguments. 

Focus on being the best father you can be. Figure out an agreeable coparenting plan  with child support and custody/visitation. 

Yes living together. She wants to continue doing it so she doesn't have to get a sitter. And she was hoping we could be friends. But I can't give her what she wants when she won't give me what I want. That's another issue she has with me. She doesn't like my whole you do something for me, I do something for you mentality. But she never did anything for me lol. So you can see where I'm coming from. She always put her self first and played the victim.. I just recently went on dating apps because she checked out. Like you said. She said she doesn't want me like that anymore. What am I suppose to do? 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, 4dsc said:

Yes living together. She wants to continue doing it so she doesn't have to get a sitter. And she was hoping we could be friends. She doesn't like my whole you do something for me, I do something for you mentality. 

Is it her place, your place or do you co-own or co-lease? Depending on who wants to move out, figure something out.

She clearly wants to separate, but living together is not working. Since you'll have shared custody and visitation, she doesn't need you to babysit your own children.

Are you legally married? If not, just figure out who is going to move out and how you're going to co-parent.

You can't really exchange watching your children for sex. Especially since she isn't interested in the relationship and apparently since you're already looking elsewhere, neither are you.

[Batya33]

I’d put aside the astrology stuff since you’re using it to explain and justify bad behavior. I’d focus on best interests of the kids. What have you done to make sure you two can eventually - likely soon - live separate and co parent?  I’m sorry you two aren’t getting along. 

[Jaunty]

Hm.  I'm surprised you made it to 3 months, much less 10 years, with this type of behavior.  

Please get some help to sort out parenting and living details so you can each go your seperate ways and stop subjecting children to this outlandish and juvenile acting out.

[Tinydance]

Um dude no offence but if you're acting with attitudes like some of the things you wrote, I'm not surprised your partner checked out. You're calling all women on dating apps stuck up and fake. I really doubt they're literally all like this and this is just you being prejudiced. I don't know how you're listening to her therapy sessions (presumably on phone/video) but yes it's wrong to do that.

It's rare for a therapist just to outright tell the patient what to do. Most of the time their suggestions are based on what the patient themselves tells them. So if the patient keeps saying they don't love their partner and aren't happy, the therapist suggests to find a new partner. This is obviously what she's telling her therapist and she's also telling you. But you're not actually listening. Don't blame the therapist and call her evil snake just because you can't accept the situation.

I'm sorry but I don't think you can actually do anything to make her fall back in love with you. You can be the most alpha male in the world but if she lost the feelings you can't force them.

[Kwothe28]

I dont think you going to the dating aps is the best thing to do. If you have done everything and it doesnt help, then legally separate, share custody and then go into dating apps and date 10 other women as far as I am concerned. But you are still 10 years with somebody, living together and have 2 kids. Its not fair toward that somebody or women on the apps who want to date somebody available.

Anyway, this one is over. And I would suggest making plans for separation and doing that.

[4dsc]

8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is it her place, your place or do you co-own or co-lease? Depending on who wants to move out, figure something out.

She clearly wants to separate, but living together is not working. Since you'll have shared custody and visitation, she doesn't need you to babysit your own children.

Are you legally married? If not, just figure out who is going to move out and how you're going to co-parent.

You can't really exchange watching your children for sex. Especially since she isn't interested in the relationship and apparently since you're already looking elsewhere, neither are you.

It's her place. And she works crazy hours, and needs someone to watch the kids. And drive and feed them. She does almost nothing for them. She rather me do it then a sitter, which is why she still hasn't asked me to leave. She also loves me like family she said and wants me to be her friend. I'm petrified of this because I'm almost sure she will find someone in the future and i will be the biggest sucker in history.. Im only looking elsewhere to get over her faster because i know the day is coming where she will break my heart even more if i don't get over her as fast as possible. Not the first time I've been dumped so i know i need an outlet to save my nerves.

[4dsc]

8 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I’d put aside the astrology stuff since you’re using it to explain and justify bad behavior. I’d focus on best interests of the kids. What have you done to make sure you two can eventually - likely soon - live separate and co parent?  I’m sorry you two aren’t getting along. 

Nothing. I have other places i can live but while she wants me to stay, i think it's best for me and the kids to stay. It just hurts seeing her everyday because i still want her but she doesnt want me. Hence why I'm trying to get over her as soon as possible. 

[4dsc]

6 hours ago, Jaunty said:

Hm.  I'm surprised you made it to 3 months, much less 10 years, with this type of behavior.  

Please get some help to sort out parenting and living details so you can each go your seperate ways and stop subjecting children to this outlandish and juvenile acting out.

Ouch. That hurts. But she doesn't want me to leave. She rather me take care of the kids instead of a sitter.

[4dsc]

4 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Um dude no offence but if you're acting with attitudes like some of the things you wrote, I'm not surprised your partner checked out. You're calling all women on dating apps stuck up and fake. I really doubt they're literally all like this and this is just you being prejudiced. I don't know how you're listening to her therapy sessions (presumably on phone/video) but yes it's wrong to do that.

It's rare for a therapist just to outright tell the patient what to do. Most of the time their suggestions are based on what the patient themselves tells them. So if the patient keeps saying they don't love their partner and aren't happy, the therapist suggests to find a new partner. This is obviously what she's telling her therapist and she's also telling you. But you're not actually listening. Don't blame the therapist and call her evil snake just because you can't accept the situation.

I'm sorry but I don't think you can actually do anything to make her fall back in love with you. You can be the most alpha male in the world but if she lost the feelings you can't force them.

Thats a shame.. i feel if i get another gf, she will come running back in typical female fashion. I actually got some meaningful connections in the last few days. Hope something comes out of them. Its my only chance to get her back i think. 

You say not to blame the therapist but i feel it's actually the therapist that started this whole mess. What ever she tells her on a weekly basis has given my girl the confidence to challenge me and this is why most relationships end in divirce in the US. Now look at the mess she created. She lost a great good looking guy who cooks, cleans, takes care of kids and treats her like a princess. "Omg he sometimes tells me what to do and demands sex once a week! How dare he!!! Hes so toxic!" Its not going to be as easy to find another gem like myself and this therapist did this to her i believe. 

i used an old baby monitor thats still in the room for years that we never disconnected if you must ask on how i listened in. Yes I could have been a great detective. Lol

[4dsc]

29 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

I dont think you going to the dating aps is the best thing to do. If you have done everything and it doesnt help, then legally separate, share custody and then go into dating apps and date 10 other women as far as I am concerned. But you are still 10 years with somebody, living together and have 2 kids. Its not fair toward that somebody or women on the apps who want to date somebody available.

Anyway, this one is over. And I would suggest making plans for separation and doing that.

Very sad to hear that. Well she wants me to live here to take care of the kids while she works so i don't want to leave if I'm not being forced.. she told me we are not together anymore so i am to assume I'm free to date. She even told the therapist that she hopes i find someone else and leave. Honestly thats not what she has been telling me though. She told me she wants me to wait many years until she decides to have sex again and doesnt want me to leave or be with other women. Tells me she still has a drop of love for me left. Or not. 

[Tinydance]

12 minutes ago, 4dsc said:

Thats a shame.. i feel if i get another gf, she will come running back in typical female fashion. I actually got some meaningful connections in the last few days. Hope something comes out of them. Its my only chance to get her back i think. 

You say not to blame the therapist but i feel it's actually the therapist that started this whole mess. What ever she tells her on a weekly basis has given my girl the confidence to challenge me and this is why most relationships end in divirce in the US. Now look at the mess she created. She lost a great good looking guy who cooks, cleans, takes care of kids and treats her like a princess. "Omg he sometimes tells me what to do and demands sex once a week! How dare he!!! Hes so toxic!" Its not going to be as easy to find another gem like myself and this therapist did this to her i believe. 

i used an old baby monitor thats still in the room for years that we never disconnected if you must ask on how i listened in. Yes I could have been a great detective. Lol

Serious question, is this a serious post or a prank? Do you hear yourself? You sound really up yourself. Therapists wouldn't be able to break most people up unless one or both people actually wanted that. Sometimes talking to a therapist makes someone realise they're not happy and want to end their relationship. The therapist is usually just an outlet for that. Sounds like the only person you might have to blame is you.

Also you can't demand sex. The person should want to have sex with you on their own.

[4dsc]

9 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Serious question, is this a serious post or a prank? Do you hear yourself? You sound really up yourself. Therapists wouldn't be able to break most people up unless one or both people actually wanted that. Sometimes talking to a therapist makes someone realise they're not happy and want to end their relationship. The therapist is usually just an outlet for that. Sounds like the only person you might have to blame is you.

Also you can't demand sex. The person should want to have sex with you on their own.

No its not a joke. I believe therapists can infuence weak minded people in certain ways and even cloud their view.. i never said i was perfect. I can take blame. Did not deserve to lose her though.. Sex is apart of a relationship and needs to be a regular thing. It's not fair, especially to men, to have it taken away for long periods of time. Means a vital part of the relationship is missing and can break at any moment. 30 minutes of sex once a week to make your husband happy that you supposesldy love and care about is not unreasonable and not the end of the world. In the grand scheme of things, i know im right. 

[Tinydance]

1 minute ago, 4dsc said:

No its not a joke. I believe therapists can infuence weak minded people in certain ways and even cloud their view.. i never said i was perfect. I can take blame. Did not deserve to lose her though.. Sex is apart of a relationship and needs to be a regular thing. It's not fair, especially to men, to have it taken away for long periods of time. Means a vital part of the relationship is missing and can break at any moment. 30 minutes of sex once a week to make your husband happy that you supposesldy love and care about is not unreasonable and not the end of the world. In the grand scheme of things, i know im right. 

I really doubt she doesn't want to be with you only because of the therapist. But I guess you'll just believe what you want to believe.

[TacticalLinguine]

If you aren't already, you would probably benefit from seeing a therapist yourself. Your attitude and entitlement here turns me off and I don't even know you. 

Instead of being toxic and disregarding your partners' thoughts and feelings, sit back, reflect, and try see your partners' point of view. If you can't do that, let her go. 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, 4dsc said:

.. i feel if i get another gf, she will come running back in typical female fashion. i don't want to leave if I'm not being forced.She even told the therapist that she hopes i find someone else and leave.

If you get another GF she could evict you. Instead of trawling dating apps, why not start looking for places to live since she supposedly told her therapist she hopes you leave? 

[smackie9]

She's been taking advantage of you for sometime. Time to stop making life easy for her. If she works crazy hours she making money, in turn, she can afford to pay you child support, and she can have visitations on the weekends. Get full custody of your kids. lawyer up. 

[Jaunty]

Do you have a job outside of the home?  Do you make financial contributions?

[MissCanuck]

I would really love to hear her side of this story. 

 

 

[boltnrun]

12 hours ago, 4dsc said:

i feel if i get another gf, she will come running back in typical female fashion.

 

22 hours ago, 4dsc said:

I tried dating apps to get my mind off her but I can't stand these fake stuck up women on there.

You have some really twisted ideas about women. And you were "bossy and dominant" to help the relationship? How does that help?

Regardless, if she's determined to end the romantic part of the relationship you have no choice but to accept it.

I recommend consulting an attorney to see what you can arrange legally regarding custody of the kids. She can get an attorney and setup visitation for herself if you are awarded full custody. 

[4dsc]

On 12/4/2023 at 6:17 AM, Wiseman2 said:

If you get another GF she could evict you. Instead of trawling dating apps, why not start looking for places to live since she supposedly told her therapist she hopes you leave? 

I have another place i rent out to people. I can just go there.

That's the thing. To me she tells me a different story. She wants me to stay and take care of the kids. Not sure if i should continue doing that though as it seems she has all the leverage. Thinking maybe i should leave her with everything. Either way it seems like I'm on a sinking ship. 

And i asked her if she wants me to get off the dating app and she said yes. Maybe there's still a chance? I also realized I'm not emotionally ready for a new gf.

[4dsc]

On 12/4/2023 at 2:47 AM, TacticalLinguine said:

If you aren't already, you would probably benefit from seeing a therapist yourself. Your attitude and entitlement here turns me off and I don't even know you. 

Instead of being toxic and disregarding your partners' thoughts and feelings, sit back, reflect, and try see your partners' point of view. If you can't do that, let her go. 

I'm not allowed to have self worth and respect for myself because I'm a man right? Is that what it is? Always take the woman's side and let the man suffer. What about she looks at my point of view? She's being selfish now and will lose me because of it.  I don't need a therapist. I did offer her couples therapy yesterday and she said maybe.. but not now. So maybe there's a chance. I just don't know if i can survive her cold attitude towards me for much longer. If it wasn't for the kids, i would have been gone since day one. 

[4dsc]

On 12/4/2023 at 1:22 PM, MissCanuck said:

I would really love to hear her side of this story. 

 

 

Her side of the story what she keeps repeating to me is, i told her we should go seperate ways initially after the fight, and she took that to heart... and while we were on our month break after i said those things i didn't mean, she decided to put herself first. That's what she's doing now. So all the 90% good things i did for her, are all erased by every little mean thing i did to her, like tell her she doesn't spend enough time with the kids, made her have sex when she didn't want to. She never wanted to.  and made her feel small with the things i said. Never communicated to me through out our relationship how much it bothered her. Didn't even give me a chance to improve. Now I'm trying but i can't stand her cold attitude towards me. Don't know how much longer i can take this.

 

Nobody seems to care about my side of the story that I've been neglected heavily by her and still willing to stick with her. Just said a few mean things out of anger and now she's punishing me big time.