Date advice

[Lwelter]

I met a girl around a year ago and liked her, but she had a boyfriend. I messaged her recently to ask if she was still with someone and, if not, if she'd like to go for a drink.

She said she's still with someone, but that she'd like to go for a drink as friends. I'm not reading too much into this, but I'd like to hear people's thoughts. 

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, Lwelter said:

She said she's still with someone, but that she'd like to go for a drink as friends. 

See what happens. She's already outlined the situation that she's not available for anything but friendship. So it's not really a date. Maybe she has single friends? 

[Batya33]

12 minutes ago, Lwelter said:

I met a girl around a year ago and liked her, but she had a boyfriend. I messaged her recently to ask if she was still with someone and, if not, if she'd like to go for a drink.

She said she's still with someone, but that she'd like to go for a drink as friends. I'm not reading too much into this, but I'd like to hear people's thoughts. 

If you want to date her do not hang out as friends especially if alcohol is involved. If her boyfriend and she want to meet up in a group setting that’s fine. 

[rainbowsandroses]

What do you want?  Do you want to be just "friends" with her?  I didn't think so.

And what if someday she and her boyfriend broke up and you became her boyfriend?

How would you feel knowing she accepts date invites from other men under the guise of being "friends"?

Personally, I think it’s scuzzy and basically cheating.  The friendship bit is BS unless she's seeking another white knight to add to her orbit. 

Either way, it's scuzzy imo but your call. 

 

[Andrina]

1 minute ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Personally, I think it’s scuzzy and basically cheating.

I had the exact same thought. Since she knows you're interested in her romantically, because you asked if she was seeing someone, her relationship boundaries suck. Is she so pretty she's scrambled your brain into not seeing this clearly? She's poor gf material, and it's best to stick to having friends you don't want to date, so I'd lose her number.

[Lwelter]

Who knows, maybe she told her boyfriend that she's going for a drink with a male friend and they're comfortable and trusting enough in their relationship for that to be okay? 

 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Lwelter said:

Who knows, maybe she told her boyfriend that she's going for a drink with a male friend and they're comfortable and trusting enough in their relationship for that to be okay? 

 

Up to you to know. Ask her. “I’d love to meet up with you and your boyfriend.” Or “just checking- does your boyfriend know you’re planning on meeting up with me ?” I’m comfortable and trusting in my marriage. And I would not be comfortable with my husband meeting for a drink with a woman he wanted to date.  Both are true. Also I married him knowing he would never meet up with a woman one on one he wanted to date or with a woman he believed wanted to date him. I met up with a platonic male friend last weekend who was in town. I didn’t know if it would be one on one or not. My husband was invited and couldn’t make it. Turned out two other people came.
My friend a number of times said to send regards to my husband and asked how he was doing and he’d have enjoyed seeing him.  That is a comfortable and above board and transparent situation.  Zero assumptions or sneaking around. 

[rainbowsandroses]

41 minutes ago, Lwelter said:

Who knows, maybe she told her boyfriend that she's going for a drink with a male friend and they're comfortable and trusting enough in their relationship for that to be okay? 

 

No offense, but what planet do you live on?  

Trust me, that's not it. 

[Andrina]

36 minutes ago, Lwelter said:

Who knows, maybe she told her boyfriend that she's going for a drink with a male friend and they're comfortable and trusting enough in their relationship for that to be okay? 

That would be in the case she left out the info that the male "friend" asked if she was "still seeing someone, and if not. . ." Any intelligent man knows what that means and would be an idiot to be okay with his gf doing this. 

[Lwelter]

41 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

No offense, but what planet do you live on?  

Trust me, that's not it. 

One where people stay calm behind their keyboards 😊. Thanks for your input 

[Kwothe28]

I had one of those. Didnt know if a woman was single(no Facebook photos of boyfriend), and I asked around but nobody could tell me. So i just sraight up started some story and asked whether we could see each other for coffee. She said that she has a boyfriend but wouldnt mind to go as a friend. I said "No". She is a nice woman(very pretty too) but my adventure days are over and not into habit of making friends, have plenty of those. I still see her sometimes and she always says "Hi" and sometimes we talk. But just were not interested if it wont be a date. 

And I would suggest you the same. Because both of your motivations are very bad

1) Her motivation is either to cheat(which I doubt) or to have you as "attention giver"(would probably bet on that more). As she maybe feels neglected in her own relationship.

2) Yours would be to be an orbiter and wait for the right opportunity to either sleep with her or for her to break up with boyfriend so you would date her.

Again, do you see how its impossible for this to be a friendship? And how messy it would be?

[Lwelter]

Yep good advice. I was a bit surprised because when she said "maybe we can go for a drink as friends" I had thought she meant as a group (this was my misunderstanding because she speaks another language which I'm conversational but not fluent in). So I was surprised to find out she meant just the two of us. 

I agree with others above that, say in theory she broke up with her boyfriend and we were together (feels stupid saying this as I don't know her very well), it would be in the back of my mind that she could do the same thing to me. 

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, Lwelter said:

She said she's still with someone, but that she'd like to go for a drink as friends. I'm not reading too much into this, but I'd like to hear people's thoughts. 

@Lwelterin all seriousness, if you want to indicate your interest but still maintain your self-respect, tell her you're not seeking a friendship and if she and her boyfriend ever break up, to let you know. 

I think she will respect you more for it too versus agreeing to become another male orbiter.

 

 

[Lwelter]

Agreed, thanks! 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Lwelter said:

She said she's still with someone, but that she'd like to go for a drink as friends. 

If you are messaging women, why not start talking to and meeting women who are available?

For example get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting women. At least you know they're looking to date.

Also join some groups and clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports and fitness, take some classes and courses and broaden your social horizons. 

This way you'll have some opportunities to meet single available women "behind the keyboard" and in real life. 

[Lwelter]

Yea I'm doing so, been on plenty of dates over the last year. This was just a girl I met who I was interested in, so thought I'd see if she was available and got the above respond 👍

[HeartGoesOn]

Be careful what you wish for.

You have a better chance of winning the lottery.

[smackie9]

You shot your shot...she's not available. Don't hang out with her....in fact lose her number. If she's willing to hang with you, how many other guys she does this with when she has a BF....she would be doing the same if you were her BF.

[Lwelter]

All fair points. I canceled the meeting, saying it wouldn't feel right while she has a boyfriend, but if she becomes single and dances a drink she can get in touch if she's up for it 

[mylolita]

On 11/23/2023 at 8:13 PM, rainbowsandroses said:

What do you want?  Do you want to be just "friends" with her?  I didn't think so.

And what if someday she and her boyfriend broke up and you became her boyfriend?

How would you feel knowing she accepts date invites from other men under the guise of being "friends"?

Personally, I think it’s scuzzy and basically cheating.  The friendship bit is BS unless she's seeking another white knight to add to her orbit. 

Either way, it's scuzzy imo but your call. 

 

Never heard the word scuzzy before! 🫨

 

I agree!!! Well said! 
 

x

[Tinydance]

On 11/25/2023 at 9:21 AM, Lwelter said:

All fair points. I canceled the meeting, saying it wouldn't feel right while she has a boyfriend, but if she becomes single and dances a drink she can get in touch if she's up for it 

I think that's good you said she can contact you if she becomes single. That way she knows to get in touch if she's not with her boyfriend anymore. So you know you've left the door open and you did everything you could but this girl is just not single. The other thing too though is that you don't know when and if she will become single. She could be with that boyfriend for years for all you know. I probably wouldn't wait for her and just keep dating other women. You also don't know how dating her would go and maybe it wouldn't work out. 

[Lwelter]

21 hours ago, Tinydance said:

I think that's good you said she can contact you if she becomes single. That way she knows to get in touch if she's not with her boyfriend anymore. So you know you've left the door open and you did everything you could but this girl is just not single. The other thing too though is that you don't know when and if she will become single. She could be with that boyfriend for years for all you know. I probably wouldn't wait for her and just keep dating other women. You also don't know how dating her would go and maybe it wouldn't work out. 

True, and from what I understand they've been together a long time, so I won't wait. She said she appreciated my honesty and hopes to see eachother at the language exchange meet-up in the future (where we first met)