Love bombing, red flags and falling out of love

[echooflaugh]

My BF for about 4 months just broke up with me abruptly two week ago. I was heartbroken, crying non stop daily and couldnt find the closure. And today, I finally got some clarifty in my head and here is our story.

I have been through a very tough year, broke up a 7 year long relationship last year and had to deal with aftermath house buyout drama for a good part of this year and I also went through an emergency surgery in the middle of all the mess. I dont have family in the US and on my way to ER with the excruciating pain, I was sacred, lonely and vulnerable. A week before my emergency surgery, I went on a first date with this guy, he is warm, fun, passionate and caring. We hit it off right away, but I got sick so I couldnt go on second date and told him. He immediately offered to visit me, brought me food, flowers, helped me walk my dog, fixed thing around the house...I just came out of a surgery laying in the hospital bed alone for a few days, and the only thing waiting for me was a letter from my ex's lawyer threatening to sue me for breach of contract cuz I got sick and couldn't close the house buyout on time as scheduled. For the next few months, this new guy "E" was the only sunshine in my life, he kept me company, did all sorts of fun stuffs with me. He told me he loves me on our second date and brought up marriage and moving in on the 3rd...I knew it was way too fast, but I was so desperately in need of someone in my life, I believed that this was meant to be, he was it.

But as we became more familiar with each other and talked more, spending time more, there are a lot of issues started to surfacing. He is a heavy drinking, its what we called a highly functioning alcoholic, he has a decent job and two relatively young kids and never really seemed to let drinking damage his professional or personal life but he drinks daily, a lot, like 7 beers a day and when we went out, he constantly got drunk but he was a happy drunk so it seemed fun at times, but I soon became aware and annoyed and talked to him about it. He promised he will drink less, but he always comes up with excuses and opportunities to drink. Whenever we go out, either a trip or a night out, we are always out drinking and didnt have chance to do anything else. He also has a relatively messy past, after his divorce, all his previous relationships were short (no longer than 3 months) and random, he dated a married woman, had ONS, FWB while going on dates. when I questioned him, he said he was just hurt so much from his divorce (his ex wife cheated on him) and he made some mistakes, but after he met me he knew this is what he wanted and he is ready to commit for a LTR. He also has two young kids while Im basically child free, while this is not his issue but a situation, but he has 50% custody which means we can only see each other every other week. He pushed me to meet his kids, but I thought it was too soon and wasnt sure If I would want to live my life with two kids halftime with me. 

Thorough all this, we constantly talked about those issues openly and had difficult conversations but each time we came out Ok and he was able to convince me that he would work on his issues and work with me to build a good life and a future. 

The last straw came  about 2 days before he broke up with me. We talked about money for the first time and he eventually admitted he is broke. I always knew he makes less than me and I never really cared about it. But I didnt know he is literately broke, living paycheck to paycheck, has zero saving, mountains of revolving credit debt, student loans, personal debts, etc and he is 40 years old already. I felt overwhelmed but he said this is his problem and it is manageable though he was struggling more than usual cuz he had a couple unexpected spendings. You see he never came accross as anyone has money troubles, he goes out a lot, likes to pickup the tap, always buying things freely and joins expensive gyms, spending money on unnecessary items (e.g. one of his unexpected spending was his car broke down, but when he had it fixed, he instealled a brand new sound system). We talked about this like everything else, and I eventually said I am ok with it and will work with him on all his problems.

Two days later, he broke up with me. He said he fell out of love, he is a mess and needs to spend time to work on his own issues., He also said all the arguments from the past built up and he just couldnt handle it anymore. I said I am willing to work things out with him as a team, but he said he doesnt want to anymore.

All my friends said I dodged a bullet, he did me a big favor. I couldnt see it, I just couldnt. Until today, I woke up and finally got the clarity and was like, wth am I thinking. Either he truly is in the mindset of wanting to focus on his own issues which I should respect, or he just falls back to his pattern of not being able to commit after rushing into things, regardless, we would never work out as is.

 

When you are looking at someone through rose colored glasses, all the red flags are just flags. 

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, echooflaugh said:

The last straw came  about 2 days before he broke up with me. We talked about money for the first time and he eventually admitted he is broke.

Sorry this happened. It seems like you trusted your instincts and friends and dodged a bullet.  This definitely seems like love bombing.

It appears he swooped in, in order to find a sugar mama and enabler. Unfortunately you were in a very vulnerable position and that may have led to not seeing these red flags until a bit later. 

Please delete and block him. Take care of yourself and your health. Hopefully the legal/financial issues will the other ex clear up soon. 

Please see if this sheds some light:

https://al-anon.org/newcomers/self-quiz/adult-quiz/

[Sindy_0311]

2 hours ago, echooflaugh said:

The last straw came  about 2 days before he broke up with me.

Hi! Thank you for sharing your story. It reminds me of a guy I have been dating last summer. We didn’t went into a relationship, we just met a few times. But like your guy he was broke, spending money, and had a little girl, was drinking pretty much and lovebombed me from the start until he confessed he was broke. My take on this behavior is that you (me) were a distraction from their reality. They were in denial and appreciated our company because we were allowing them to escape from their real issues… I don’t think your ex broke up with you because he wants to figure himself out. I think he doesn’t want to see you anymore because you now know about his situation and he won’t be able to act in denial as if every thing was fine…and I think he doesn’t want you to help him go through that because he isn’t willing to fix his issues yet…

This is pure supposition, but he might be looking for another girl yet, a new one that ignores everything about his situation and provide some distraction from his real issues…

Another thing that comes to my mind, Are you sure he didn’t tell you he is broke to make you leave him? So he won’t be the bad one…

[SooSad33]

5 hours ago, echooflaugh said:

Two days later, he broke up with me. He said he fell out of love, he is a mess and needs to spend time to work on his own issues.,

Yeah, you did dodge a bullet and the garbage took itself out 😉 .

I married an alcoholic and they are NOT nice 😕 .  They're pretty much married to 'the bottle'!.

As for him loving you, No.  Real love develops over time.  Neither one of you had any time to truly get to know each other properly and have that real love grow. ( the honeymoon phase ended, so did he).

Count your blessings.  Get over that love bombing loser, and take some real 'down time' to work on the loss of your last relationship as well.

I feel you moved on way too fast, after having a LTR.  Please slow down and take care of only YOU for a while 🙂 .  

[Kwothe28]

I mean, if he spends that much it means he is irresponsible with money. And has no savings due to it. Broke would be if he trully didnt have money to spend and lives poorly due to it. He clearly doesnt live poorly but due to his spending habits doesnt get left with any money at the end of the month. Though that would concern you if you ever lived with him and had to share that income. The other stuff is much more concerning.

Alcoholism for example. "7 beers a day" is not highly functioning. Its alcoholism. Alcies dont have to just be "poorly behaved" to be that. He can be "Fun alcoholic"(meaning that he doesnt do bad stuff) and still be alcoholic. Alcoholism destroys his body and mind. Bit by bit. He behaved to you so far because he wanted to behave the best but in the future, especially when you would see him every day, he would not behave in the same way. He would probably snapped at you every now and then. Maybe even get physycal. I have example of my neighbour. He saw me the other day and said condolences to me. You know what he said to me? "Alcohol took over my life so didnt know about the funeral". I said to him that his daughter was there so he said "Ah OK then". His wife left him with the daughter years ago. So he is alone. No pension, goes from bar to bar, and drinks. That is the future of your guy. As my Grandma used to say: "Alcohol glass never helped anyone".

So yes, as there wasnt a bright future there, you did dodged a huge bullet.

[echooflaugh]

18 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. It seems like you trusted your instincts and friends and dodged a bullet.  This definitely seems like love bombing.

It appears he swooped in, in order to find a sugar mama and enabler. Unfortunately you were in a very vulnerable position and that may have led to not seeing these red flags until a bit later. 

Please delete and block him. Take care of yourself and your health. Hopefully the legal/financial issues will the other ex clear up soon. 

Please see if this sheds some light:

https://al-anon.org/newcomers/self-quiz/adult-quiz/

Thank you. Today he will come by pickup all his belongings and then I am blocking him everywhere. I am exhausted and felt broken, not because Im not over him, it was because all the lies and pretentious acts he put together and me buying into it.... 

[echooflaugh]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

I mean, if he spends that much it means he is irresponsible with money. And has no savings due to it. Broke would be if he trully didnt have money to spend and lives poorly due to it. He clearly doesnt live poorly but due to his spending habits doesnt get left with any money at the end of the month. Though that would concern you if you ever lived with him and had to share that income. The other stuff is much more concerning.

Alcoholism for example. "7 beers a day" is not highly functioning. Its alcoholism. Alcies dont have to just be "poorly behaved" to be that. He can be "Fun alcoholic"(meaning that he doesnt do bad stuff) and still be alcoholic. Alcoholism destroys his body and mind. Bit by bit. He behaved to you so far because he wanted to behave the best but in the future, especially when you would see him every day, he would not behave in the same way. He would probably snapped at you every now and then. Maybe even get physycal. I have example of my neighbour. He saw me the other day and said condolences to me. You know what he said to me? "Alcohol took over my life so didnt know about the funeral". I said to him that his daughter was there so he said "Ah OK then". His wife left him with the daughter years ago. So he is alone. No pension, goes from bar to bar, and drinks. That is the future of your guy. As my Grandma used to say: "Alcohol glass never helped anyone".

So yes, as there wasnt a bright future there, you did dodged a huge bullet.

Thanks for the insight....Ive never been with an alchie so I really didnt know what to expect. I always think social and casual drinking is Ok, Im not straight edge, I enjoy a drink here and there but I remember the first time my friend met us together to hang out, we went to a bar, and when "E" went to the bathroom, my friend said to me, dude drinks too much. And this is a very laid back friend who never comments on anyone Ive been with and I felt so embarrassed and even defended him. He did push me away pretty hard the night he broke up with me (after 7-8 beers) when I asked him not to drive to home after that much drinking, he pushed me and I fell and he left...I dont know what I was smoking back then that I thought there was still something salvageable between us, but now I know, it was a dead end since begining.

[Kwothe28]

25 minutes ago, echooflaugh said:

I always think social and casual drinking is Ok

Social and casual drinking are not alcoholism. Alcoholism literally forces you to drink. Social drinker can drink only when they go out with friends and not touch alcohol otherwise. Alcoholic needs alcohol to live. Hence why your ex drinks 7 beers a day. Because otherwise he cant function. In a literal sense. For example, his hands would start shaking if he doesnt drink. Because his body requires alcohol. Its an addictive substance. 

31 minutes ago, echooflaugh said:

He did push me away pretty hard the night he broke up with me (after 7-8 beers) when I asked him not to drive to home after that much drinking, he pushed me and I fell and he left...

Because that is how he is. As my neighbour said, alcohol now leads his life. There is nothing you can do about that and its far better for you to be away as far as possible from somebody like that. 

[echooflaugh]

17 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Hi! Thank you for sharing your story. It reminds me of a guy I have been dating last summer. We didn’t went into a relationship, we just met a few times. But like your guy he was broke, spending money, and had a little girl, was drinking pretty much and lovebombed me from the start until he confessed he was broke. My take on this behavior is that you (me) were a distraction from their reality. They were in denial and appreciated our company because we were allowing them to escape from their real issues… I don’t think your ex broke up with you because he wants to figure himself out. I think he doesn’t want to see you anymore because you now know about his situation and he won’t be able to act in denial as if every thing was fine…and I think he doesn’t want you to help him go through that because he isn’t willing to fix his issues yet…

This is pure supposition, but he might be looking for another girl yet, a new one that ignores everything about his situation and provide some distraction from his real issues…

Another thing that comes to my mind, Are you sure he didn’t tell you he is broke to make you leave him? So he won’t be the bad one…

The guy you met did sound very similar to my ex, I just kept ignoring the red flags and let him push my boundaries and let this relationship prolonged to a point that I was way too involved, and he pulled the rug under my feet. 

I kind of sensed he has debt issues, he mentioned before of having to work multiple jobs and needed a second job to bring an extra income even now (he's making very good salary already from his primary job but I guess all the spending and drinking and revolving debt drained it), so I dont think he intentionally lied about it but what you said about using me as an escape totally made sense. I wouldnt be surprised he already jumped back on dating app hoping to find his next escape...

[Sindy_0311]

11 minutes ago, echooflaugh said:

I wouldnt be surprised he already jumped back on dating app hoping to find his next escape...

My guy did that exactly that after we ended it. One week after, he interacted with a friend of mine on the dating app and told her the same bs he told me about his financial status saying that he was investing money etc… he reached out to me twice a few month ago. First time to say hi, and second time to apologize bla bla bla. blocked him after that. 

[smackie9]

the guy is a $%^& show. yes you dodged a bullet. This dude is a bit of a player...full of lies, acting vulnerable to get you to feel sorry for him.. and all that time he's a predator. He was looking for weakness and he found in you...your loneliness, your surgery, your personal issues, etc. He seeks out the weak to prey upon. Near the end he felt an ultimatum coming on, so he jumped ship. He's looking for someone to control, take advantage of, and to enable his drinking. The guy is total bad new. When someone says they have a drinking problem, anger issues, going through a bad divorce, etc. drop them like a hot potato. What was happening was you falling into the codependency trap...being a rescuer/fixer just to keep a guy that gave you a few crumbs of empathy. 

[echooflaugh]

3 hours ago, smackie9 said:

What was happening was you falling into the codependency trap...being a rescuer/fixer just to keep a guy that gave you a few crumbs of empathy. 

Unfortunately that is very true...I was just in a bad place and couldnt recognize it.

[rainbowsandroses]

On 11/13/2023 at 12:20 PM, echooflaugh said:

He told me he loves me on our second date and brought up marriage and moving in on the 3rd...I knew it was way too fast, but I was so desperately in need of someone in my life, I believed that this was meant to be, he was it.

@echooflaugh I understand what lovebombing is and that many women (and men) do fall for it and the person lovebombing, but my question to you and others (serious question) how do not look at such person and not shake your head at the utter insanity of it? 

Not to mention, isn't all that fake over-the- top attention a complete turn off?  It brings the expression "he's trying too hard" to a whole n'other level.  It's needy (and thirsty) as hell and well again a huge turn OFF.  For me anyway.

I've been lovebombed plenty, hell I had a guy propose marriage during our first MEET (and he was serious); I politely excused myself from the table (we were having dinner) and walked home and blocked him. 

Good looking, successful guy too but obviously a total nutcase. 

I've also been lovebombed on line and I go along with it for kicks but NEVER ever take it seriously.

So if you could explain to me the mind frame of taking any of it seriously, I'd appreciate it because I never understood it.   

I'm not judging, I was guilty of delusional thinking with a previous boyfriend.  I was also quite vulnerable (and naive) when we met.

Even he attempted to lovebomb me  and I flat out told him he was moving WAY too fast and it was turning me OFF.

So he slowed it down and we were together six years.  Not without our problems and my delusions but lovebombing wasn't one of them. 

In any event, I'm glad you finally recognized it for what it was (a total mind f***) and got out.

Better late than never. 😀

 

[echooflaugh]

2 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

So if you could explain to me the mind frame of taking any of it seriously, I'd appreciate it because I never understood it.   

I think my situation was a bit unique as I was going through a lot of trauma when I met him and so my judgement was clouded. Not trying to make excuses but I wasn't in my right mind even though I had doubts but I was very desperate to hold on to something good 

[Sindy_0311]

4 hours ago, echooflaugh said:

I think my situation was a bit unique as I was going through a lot of trauma when I met him and so my judgement was clouded. Not trying to make excuses but I wasn't in my right mind even though I had doubts but I was very desperate to hold on to something good 

I think @rainbowsandroses is referring to deeper issues rather than “bad” circumstances. And I agree for having allowed a man to love-bombe me too… even for a short period of time. 

[echooflaugh]

3 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I think @rainbowsandroses is referring to deeper issues rather than “bad” circumstances.

Frankly I have never been love bombed before. I didnt even know this term until this guy broke up with me, when I told my friends, they brought it up. I only had 2 long relationships before him, both lasted many years and we developed feelings and built connections over time....

[Starlight925]

We are vulnerable to Love Bombing because it feels good.  Attention, especially in a time of great need, feels wonderful. 
And we all want to believe the Hollywood Fairy Tale, but no, John Cusack is not going to stand outside our window blasting a love song. 
Just take this as a lesson.

 And yes, I’ve been there.  Heck, I recently “broke up” with a female who love-bombed a friendship with me.   This time, I recognized all of this extra attention for what it was, and once I started backing away, and saw her true nastiness, I was like….aha!  Love bombing takes lots of forms. 

[echooflaugh]

4 hours ago, Starlight925 said:

Just take this as a lesson.

Def a lesson learned...Im just glad it was only 4 months not 4 years, I got out of early enough before real damage is caused

[echooflaugh]

Today is my birthday and exactly 3 weeks post breakup. I have been doing some souls searching, why did I always fall into a certain pattern? Why did I always ignore the red flags and hold on to guys who are clearly wrong for me? I think I eventually found the answer and the clarity. This is what I wrote on my timeline . I have been searching so hard for love , because I always thought that’s the only way to keep me from being alone and the fear of not having anyone around when I’m sick, old, need help or even when I’m happy , when I wanna go out and about. But I put so much focus on one person I forgot I already have the whole world. Now I just need to let those truly wonderful people in my life and let them love me, spread my love and care to them. And then I won’t ever have to be alone .

---------------------------------------------------------------- I

It's been such a roller coaster year for me. The good, the bad, the ugly, the heartbroken, the financial loss, the emotional damage, the personal health issue...but I am here now, a year older, hopefully wiser too. I did realize that I have made choices which ended up harming myself, all in the fear of being alone. Not having my family close by always makes me feel that I don't have the support system when things fall apart. But throughout everything that happened this year, I realized I was never alone. I have a special group of friends, old and new, close and far, they all care about me, love me, ready to stand by my side to support me, through thick and thin. And my family, even if they are literally on the other side of the world, they are near to my heart and always willing to jump in and help me through anything. My perpetual fear is that I will end up being the old lady shopping for groceries alone, but I now know I don't have to be, if I chose not to be alone, if I chose to stay connected with my friends and family. This is the safest choice I've made in a long time. Happy Birthday to me and I love you all.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, echooflaugh said:

. Happy Birthday to me and I love you all.

Happy birthday 🎂. You made the right decision. It's fine to reflect and recover. Enjoy a fresh new start. 

[boltnrun]

I'm the old lady shopping for groceries alone. And I'm OK. I have my family and I have some friends (who all live in other states). I get bored sometimes but I make it a point to go out and do things. I've gone on vacation alone many times. I like it. I can go where I want when I want and I can eat where and what I want. If I want to go to the car museum I don't have some yahoo whining about how he would rather go to the airport to go skydiving (yes, this happened to me). 

I'm not even trying to date but if I did I would join groups for middle aged and seniors. And I would be very particular.

Happy birthday!

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, echooflaugh said:

My perpetual fear is that I will end up being the old lady shopping for groceries alone, but I now know I don't have to be, if I chose not to be alone, if I chose to stay connected with my friends and family. This is the safest choice I've made in a long time.

Why is that a scary thought? My mom is 88 and my dad died 7 years ago - she shops for groceries on her own and it's not scary-it's pleasant.  My sister is in her early 60s, divorced, dated for 7 years or so after her divorce and since her late 50s isn't interested anymore in dating.  She's happily on her own.  Not scary.  I married at 42.  Wanted marriage starting at 20 or so - had a fun fulfilling life before I was married and after.

[echooflaugh]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Why is that a scary thought? My mom is 88 and my dad died 7 years ago - she shops for groceries on her own and it's not scary-it's pleasant.  My sister is in her early 60s, divorced, dated for 7 years or so after her divorce and since her late 50s isn't interested anymore in dating.  She's happily on her own.  Not scary.  I married at 42.  Wanted marriage starting at 20 or so - had a fun fulfilling life before I was married and after.

fears are not always rational, this is just my fear and I am getting over it.

[Starlight925]

I don’t blame you for not wanting to be alone. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to have a partner to share your life with.

So now that you’ve been through this, you can use this opportunity to learn from this so that you don’t waste anymore time with people who aren’t going to be with you for the right reasons.

I hate the saying “kiss a lot of frogs before you meet your prince“, but it’s true. Get back out there and start dating and don’t let anyone take time from you that will come in between you and your goals of finding someone who is meant for you.

[echooflaugh]

25 minutes ago, Starlight925 said:

I don’t blame you for not wanting to be alone. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to have a partner to share your life with.

So now that you’ve been through this, you can use this opportunity to learn from this so that you don’t waste anymore time with people who aren’t going to be with you for the right reasons.

I hate the saying “kiss a lot of frogs before you meet your prince“, but it’s true. Get back out there and start dating and don’t let anyone take time from you that will come in between you and your goals of finding someone who is meant for you.

Thank you! It means a lot