Crush Attitude changed towards me. I want to know why?

[MrAverageguy17]

Hello everyone on this forum. New joiner here. So basically I just started a new job recently and I met a girl there. We were doing one on one coaching together and I developped feelings for her. We would hold hands, touch each other, playfight and have deep conversations about life. We also had multiple conversations about her sexual kinks and what she is into and mine too of course. 

So, she saw that I was falling for her and asked me if I had feelings for her to which I replied yes. She smiled at me and blushed and told me to not do this as she doesn't want to be in a relationship. I reassured her that I'm not pushing for a relationship but for a starter to just get to know her better. She agreed to that and said we'll see. I always brought chocolates etc at work for her. Another coworker made a comment about how we are together which just made her uncomfortable. Later that day, we had a conversation about how we should stop flirting because we give the impression we are together. I agreed to that but asked her if it would be okay if it was done outside of work. 

Long story short, we spoke on facebook and I even had her number. Our conversation would always turn about something sexual. Recently, we had our EOY at our company and I took her for a walk on the beach. We spoke all night and even danced together. I went home after and we texted all night. At the EOY she said she didn't like her butt and that she thought it was kinda flat. I reassured her that it was fine and I loved it to which she blushed. 

So the morning after the EOY party I texted her a good morning message on her phone and I said that this text was from the guy that didn't find her butt flat at all but amazing. She replied some hours later saying that she didn't appreciate that way of talking. I apologised and we spoke on facebook that same day. She told me that every joke has a limit and something in that style. She then started to ghost me on FB and not reply to my messages. Then after going on her profile I saw she unfriended me on FB. I was a bit crushed and later that day I asked her why on microsoft teams. She said that we should keep things professional from now on. I said ok but don't you think that is harsh to me. Then we spoke on teams all night during our whole shift. We had deep conversations again and told her what I liked about her and what me fall for her. Because she asked me what did I find attractive about her, that I must be blind. She also mentioned that unfriending me should make me forget about her since we'll be working from home soon for a 1 month period. So contact will be limited. 

Now the whole team is at the office today and she basically takes all her breaks with other coworkers except me. I feel like she is ignoring me but we still speak and joke with each other if we ever speak to each other. 

I just want to know. Am I doing something wrong? I'm genuinely interested in her but maybe I am doing something wrong. I don't know what to do. Should I still pursue her? Or completely abandon that idea? My head is so messed up right now. 

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it seems like she doesn't want to have messy workplace romances, flirting or any other unprofessional behavior that could jeopardize her job. Please step back and especially discontinue the cheeky flirty banter. 

[Lambert]

I'm sorry.  Sounds like you have feelings and she does not.  She's told you flat out that she wants to keep things professional. So follow that.  No matter what she tries or says in the future.  Keep it professional. ignore everything she says or does except for work related questions l.

Try to meet someone else. Preferably someone outside of work.  Move on with your own life. She's not being cool at all and you deserve better. 

[Jaunty]

Yes, I'm sorry, but you are doing something wrong:  engaging like this with someone you met at work.  Since you said you "just started," it also sounds like way too much too soon even if it was not at work.

You might want to save the sexual talk and innuendos for women with whom you already have a more intimate relationship established.   It's hard to "unwind" that kind of thing if your relationship doesn't end up going anywhere.

[MrAverageguy17]

I forgot to mention she was the one who turned the conversation sexual everytime.

 

[smackie9]

She told you she wasn't interested in anything romantic/relationship. You are stepping over the line and starting to get clingy/pushing things in that direction. Her ignoring you is her drawing a line in the sand for you to not cross over. Pull back and drop the crush thing. It's not going to happen. 

[Andrina]

I'm assuming you're both young, like late teens or early twenties, so she partially knows how to shut things down with someone she just not that into, but also makes some mistakes that might lead you to think you have a chance.

2 hours ago, MrAverageguy17 said:

she doesn't want to be in a relationship.

In the future, take what a woman says as fact and don't stick around, hoping you can change her mind and settle for crumbs while you naively wait for the impossible to happen. Even if the statement was false, it then meant she was trying to save your feelings instead of flat out saying she's not interested in you romantically.

When two people have opposite relationship goals, it's best to emotionally move on. She's now just another co-worker so you treat her no differently. Lose her number. Be pleasant in passing. 

Actually, most new relationships fail, so if you date a co-worker and it ends, you have the awkward task of seeing them almost every day. Not fun.

Save things like giving chocolates and remarks about a woman's body until you're already in a relationship. Before that, it can seem creepy. 

If you're having a dry spell in meeting single women in your age group, try some Meetup.com groups. Good luck.

[Superstickyone]

You crossed the line at work by invading her boundaries.  I think she is uncomfortable with the type of relationship that appears to be brewing.  Meaning sexual.  Platonic friends don't text all night with flirty talk.  She feels too much pressure from you and is giving clear signals by ignoring your communications.  I would back way off before she reports you to HR.

 

 

 

[catfeeder]

Sounds like she got carried away with the fun you were both having, and then she recognized that she was getting a rep on the job, and that’s bad for both of you.

I’d back off and allow time to heal the work relationship— and don’t tread anywhere near trying to make it more than that.

BTW, you realize that your Teams conversations are not private, right? Your IT department can turn a copy of that in to your bosses. Not a good look.

[Deejmonster]

On 11/3/2023 at 10:49 AM, MrAverageguy17 said:

Hello everyone on this forum. New joiner here. So basically I just started a new job recently and I met a girl there. We were doing one on one coaching together and I developped feelings for her. We would hold hands, touch each other, playfight and have deep conversations about life. We also had multiple conversations about her sexual kinks and what she is into and mine too of course. 

So, she saw that I was falling for her and asked me if I had feelings for her to which I replied yes. She smiled at me and blushed and told me to not do this as she doesn't want to be in a relationship. I reassured her that I'm not pushing for a relationship but for a starter to just get to know her better. She agreed to that and said we'll see. I always brought chocolates etc at work for her. Another coworker made a comment about how we are together which just made her uncomfortable. Later that day, we had a conversation about how we should stop flirting because we give the impression we are together. I agreed to that but asked her if it would be okay if it was done outside of work. 

Long story short, we spoke on facebook and I even had her number. Our conversation would always turn about something sexual. Recently, we had our EOY at our company and I took her for a walk on the beach. We spoke all night and even danced together. I went home after and we texted all night. At the EOY she said she didn't like her butt and that she thought it was kinda flat. I reassured her that it was fine and I loved it to which she blushed. 

So the morning after the EOY party I texted her a good morning message on her phone and I said that this text was from the guy that didn't find her butt flat at all but amazing. She replied some hours later saying that she didn't appreciate that way of talking. I apologised and we spoke on facebook that same day. She told me that every joke has a limit and something in that style. She then started to ghost me on FB and not reply to my messages. Then after going on her profile I saw she unfriended me on FB. I was a bit crushed and later that day I asked her why on microsoft teams. She said that we should keep things professional from now on. I said ok but don't you think that is harsh to me. Then we spoke on teams all night during our whole shift. We had deep conversations again and told her what I liked about her and what me fall for her. Because she asked me what did I find attractive about her, that I must be blind. She also mentioned that unfriending me should make me forget about her since we'll be working from home soon for a 1 month period. So contact will be limited. 

Now the whole team is at the office today and she basically takes all her breaks with other coworkers except me. I feel like she is ignoring me but we still speak and joke with each other if we ever speak to each other. 

I just want to know. Am I doing something wrong? I'm genuinely interested in her but maybe I am doing something wrong. I don't know what to do. Should I still pursue her? Or completely abandon that idea? My head is so messed up right now. 

She doesn't appear interested in your romantic advances. Ever hear the saying don't sh*t where you eat? It's a motto that I always follow and one that she seems to be trying to follow was well. She may find the banter fun and all but is definitely hesitant on allowing it to proceed because she doesn't want to put her job in danger. It appears that the rumor mill has already started at your place of employment and she is doing what she can to distance herself from it. Workplaces often have policies against fraternizing with other employees and can be against company policy. What you are seeing is her attempt to distance herself from you at work so that she doesn't cross a line at work. The type of behavior that you are exhibiting towards her, whether you mean to or not could be looked upon as sexual harassment and could end up costing you your job. I would cool your heels on this before someone takes their concerns to HR or management and files a complaint.