Major anxiety whilst boyfriend is away

[Sausagedog]

For context me and my bf have been together for 3 years now. He’s never been a big texter or caller but we almost broke up a couple months ago, and since then he’s usually called almost every day. He went on holiday yesterday morning in the early hours with his best friend and is away for 5 days. We spoke the night before and he said he would call me whilst he’s there and text me which reassured me a lot as little contact makes me worry. He arrived yesterday morning and didn’t text me when he landed which he said he would, so I text him and he text back to say they had got there and then he rang me very briefly to say they were there and to tell me a funny story from their plane journey. That was yesterday lunchtime and I’ve not heard from him since. I don’t expect continuous texting whilst he’s on holiday but I thought he might have messaged me good night or good morning? (Although that isn’t something we usually do anyway). Am I jumping the gun and overthinking this lack of contact? I’m aware I have bad separation anxiety

[Wiseman2]

53 minutes ago, Sausagedog said:

For context me and my bf have been together for 3 years now. He’s never been a big texter or caller but we almost broke up a couple months ago, and since then he’s usually called almost every day. 

Sorry this is happening. Is this a distance situation? How often do you see each other in person? How is the in person relationship? 

[Batya33]

If he promised to text you to check in a specific number of times or every day he is acting in an unreliable way. But why do you need him to keep in touch - why can’t he just enjoy himself and get away for five days ??

[Sausagedog]

19 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

If he promised to text you to check in a specific number of times or every day he is acting in an unreliable way. But why do you need him to keep in touch - why can’t he just enjoy himself and get away for five days ??

He didn’t promise a specific number he just said he would call and text whilst he’s there. We usually go 5 days without seeing each other but it’s the little contact and distance that is making me anxious

[Kathryn657xx]

1 hour ago, Sausagedog said:

 I’m aware I have bad separation anxiety

Is this related to him? Has he done something in the past that makes you feel this way ? 
Own your emotions I'd say - if you feel concerned by his lack of contact when he's already offered to check in - you feel how you feel, don't second guess it. Every body would have their own interpretation on this based on their own needs and emotions. If you have been together for this period of time, surely he would know that you have this anxiety and could quite easily send the odd quick message throughout the day. How long does it take to type out a message? 10 seconds, 20 seconds. It almost shows a basic lack of empathy towards you and your feelings.

He should be able to go away and enjoy himself but what if the shoe was on the other foot? I am sure you would give him the affirmation he needs, why is he not giving this care to you.

[Sausagedog]

22 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Is this a distance situation? How often do you see each other in person? How is the in person relationship? 

In person we’ve been really good recently and we’re actually going away on our own trip in 2 weeks. I think it’s the combination of the distance, little contact and not knowing what he’s doing that’s worrying me.

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Sausagedog said:

I thought he might have messaged me good night or good morning? (Although that isn’t something we usually do anyway).

So why would you expect it now?

1 hour ago, Sausagedog said:

we almost broke up a couple months ago

To give us context, can you elaborate on what happened here? 

[Sausagedog]

4 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

So why would you expect it now?

To give us context, can you elaborate on what happened here? 

I’m not sure why just because of the distance and me wanting to know that he’s safe. He was thinking about breaking up because we started not appreciating the time we had together and not spending quality time together, he also likes his time alone and at the time we were spending a lot of time together. Since then though we’ve been in a good place and he’s been more affectionate than ever

[smackie9]

Don't date someone that isn't a big texter. You can ask him to text you til you are blue in the face....he's not that kind of guy....go find one that is. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Sausagedog said:

 He’s never been a big texter or caller but we almost broke up a couple months ago, and since then he’s usually called almost every day. 

Why are you not seeing each other in person and communicating in person relying on texting and calling to try to maintain the relationship? 

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Sausagedog said:

He didn’t promise a specific number he just said he would call and text whilst he’s there. We usually go 5 days without seeing each other but it’s the little contact and distance that is making me anxious

Yes but don’t burden him with it. Especially when he’s on vacation. 

[Andrina]

8 hours ago, Sausagedog said:

He was thinking about breaking up because we started not appreciating the time we had together and not spending quality time together, he also likes his time alone and at the time we were spending a lot of time together.

This is a bit unclear. You were equally making less effort in time together? Or, you were complaining that his alone time is unsatisfactory to you?

How old are you two? In these 3 years, do you just spend one day or night each week together? Are you both in college or not? Do you both work full time with the same schedule? What does he do for fun with his guy friends? Do none of his guy friends have girlfriends or wives that you two double date with?

Yeah, I'm surprised this is a 3 year relationship because it sounds more like a newer relationship that's never gotten traction. Have you mainly been the one driving this train? If you sat back and waited for him to make effort, do you think he would allow things to fade away with you? 

What's your life like besides having a bf? Just trying to see the bigger picture to know what advice to give.

[Jaunty]

If him liking his "alone time" was a factor in almost breaking up, I suspect that he is trying to maintain some boundaries around having time that is all to himself.  This trip that he's on might be one of the situations where he would like to feel free from the constant umbilical cord of contact that is available to couples these days.

This is going to sound very "old fart" of me, but there was a lot to be said about the "good old days."  When people were not together or by their landline phone which was attached to the wall of home, or a pay phone, there was no way to be connected at all times. 

Even if you wrote letters, if it were international, it could take 2 weeks to arrive ... and long distance international phone calls had to be made from a special "phone office" type of place.

People on a trip were naturally free to experience their time and then share it with their loved one later.

You both are young so he obviously never experienced any of that, but there could be a part of him that is yearning for the possibility.

 

[rainbowsandroses]

On 11/1/2023 at 6:00 AM, Sausagedog said:

I'm not sure why just because of the distance and me wanting to know that he’s safe...

First off, you're not his mother, he's a grown man on vacation I'm sure he's just fine.

Secondly, you know that's not the reason. YOU feel insecure and anxious and need him to reach out for reassurance.

Best to own that and manage your anxiety within yourself NOT burden him with it by seeking reassurance especially while he's on vacation, in part I would suspect to distance himself from the pressure the relationship is causing him.

My advice?  Leave him be and let him enjoy.

Be happy when he returns, DON'T grill him about anything and try to relax and enjoy the relationship for what it IS, not what YOU want it to be. 

[Batya33]

22 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

First off, you're not his mother, he's a grown man on vacation I'm sure he's just fine.

Secondly, you know that's not the reason. YOU feel insecure and anxious and need him to reach out for reassurance.

Best to own that and manage your anxiety within yourself NOT burden him with it by seeking reassurance especially while he's on vacation, in part I would suspect to distance himself from the pressure the relationship is causing him.

My advice?  Leave him be and let him enjoy.

Be happy when he returns, DON'T grill him about anything and try to relax and enjoy the relationship for what it IS, not what YOU want it to be. 

OP may I add. Since February 2023 when my son turned 14 he went away overnight 4 times. Before that he’d been away … never. Partly because Covid happened when he was 11 so his overnight trip was cancelled but also because- unusually - no sleepovers no overnight camp.
 

The first time he went away was 5 days 5 hours plus ferry ride away. Second time was 3 days and 2 hours and 3rd was 4 days and 6 hours. Not with family not with close friends twice with school.  
 

Because I LOVE him and want what’s best for him I said yes when I was nervous and I put aside my overprotective momma tendencies and did NOT text him (other than brief nightly reminders for a med he takes ) and if he texted me I encouraged him to advocate for himself as needed /make his own decisions. . I was anxious. I had to go out of my comfort zone. Trust those adults in charge. Including around lakes /oceans /tubing/kayaking.  All of it. Out of love I had to put his need for freedom and independence first. I didn’t ask him to check in.  I didn’t ask the parents or teachers to check in. 
also I forced myself to turn off my phone at night and trust my husband to keep his on in case of emergency. Again this is out of my comfort zone. 
It’s really really important in a serious loving relationship to get out of one’s head in these situations and show love by setting the person free. It will strengthen the relationship and strengthen your relationship with your authentic self.