Single for 6 years, I feel I’ll never be loved or love again

[Grogbert]

Hi, I’m new here and I hope you’re all well .

It’s been 6 years since my last long term relationship, and while I have dated it has been very disappointing and somewhat traumatic for me. I’m 32 nearly 33, and while I don’t believe in age being an issue, I feel that personally I have no value and it’s over for me. I’ve been on dates years apart that haven’t been with the nicest of men. I’ve been let down a lot, used, and even insulted and belittled. I’ve been using my singlehood as a way to improve and better myself, but honestly, it’s also been as a self defence mechanism. I don’t know if I’ll ever trust again, and I don’t personally see myself as loveable or worthy of love. 
I want to change my view, I want to try and get out there and date again regardless but I’m quite frankly terrified. 
What should I do? Is there any words of wisdom that you may give? What could help my way of thinking about these things? I am in therapy, and while my therapist is amazing, I don’t think they’re going to be able to give me advice that may be best suited. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Grogbert said:

I want to change my view, I want to try and get out there and date again regardless but I’m quite frankly terrified. 

Sorry this happened and you had some disappointing dating experiences. Try not to despair. 

Consider getting a good profile and pics on quality paid relationship focused dating apps. Paid apps may offer more serious daters as well as better screening and matching tools.  

Start talking to and meeting interested men and carefully screen for the lifestyle, qualities and characteristics you are looking for. Avoid red flags, deal breakers, timewasters and know when the cut your losses to prevent dating burnout.

Also consider broadening your social horizons by joining some groups and clubs volunteering, taking some classes and generally talking to and meeting new people you share some interests with. 

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, Grogbert said:

What should I do? Is there any words of wisdom that you may give?

Well, for starters, start with this

2 hours ago, Grogbert said:

I don’t personally see myself as loveable or worthy of love. 

Dating is kinda "selling" yourself out of there. If you dont believe in a product you are selling, it wont sell well. As others also wont see the qualities you offer. So, its no wonder you attract not a nicest kind of men. When you yourself dont believe you deserve better, that is what you are getting.

So, you should start with that. No dating app would help with the fact that you are not ready to date. Due to your personal issues with your self image. Start loving yourself more. Highlight your good qualities or work to obtain them. Go to therapy if you need. But you need to work on that issue before you start dating.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Grogbert said:

 I am in therapy, and while my therapist is amazing, I don’t think they’re going to be able to give me advice that may be best suited. 

Since you are already in therapy perhaps ask your therapist for tips on dating if you feel ready to try again and you feel you've been working on improving yourself. 

42 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

 Go to therapy if you need. 

 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Well, for starters, start with this

Dating is kinda "selling" yourself out of there. If you dont believe in a product you are selling, it wont sell well. As others also wont see the qualities you offer. So, its no wonder you attract not a nicest kind of men. When you yourself dont believe you deserve better, that is what you are getting.

So, you should start with that. No dating app would help with the fact that you are not ready to date. Due to your personal issues with your self image. Start loving yourself more. Highlight your good qualities or work to obtain them. Go to therapy if you need. But you need to work on that issue before you start dating.

I agree with all of this. How is it that you feel you have no self  worth and also have this notion that being single is related to personal growth? Why because you have more time for activities if you're not with a romantic partner? In a healthy relationship personal growth is basically all the time - and the right partner enhances those efforts and it's reciprocal.  Many people who are single have responsibilities to children, relatives, aging parents so they don't have more time to inner focus.  And inner focus and being in a committed relationship coexist beautifully unless inner focus=really really self-absorbed.  

As this stated above when you know your worth your very vibes and energy garner and require respect from others and those people out to be disrespectful -romantic or otherwise-will figure out quickly you're not gonna tolerate it -not because you'll be confrontational or aggressive -it will be obvious.  

I wouldn't "love" myself more if I were you  -I would do actions every day that reflect giving a darn about the basics.  Like really basic - hydration/sleep/exercise -are you moving your body with a cardio impact every single day -as part of your daily routine and/or working out?  Do you feel relatively strong and fit? What volunteer work are you doing or looking into? How often do you get outside and notice a tree or the way the sky looks? No need to meditate. No need to tell yourself what you're worth -act it. IMO.

[SooSad33]

16 hours ago, Grogbert said:

It’s been 6 years since my last long term relationship, and while I have dated it has been very disappointing and somewhat traumatic for me. I’m 32 nearly 33, and while I don’t believe in age being an issue, I feel that personally I have no value and it’s over for me.

Is there a reason you continue trying like this if you're finding it traumatic? 😕 

I was last in a relationship over 4 yrs ago and I am now in my 50's.  I am in no rush to be involved again as I'm mentally & emotionally exhausted.  I can't go thru it again.  Not at this time, so I am just fine with my pets, family and circle of friends.

Maybe you can benefit with some therapy.  Someone to 'vent to' and to help you work through some issues?   Never any harm in that.  Especially if you feel so overwhelmed or down 😕 .

Otherwise, i say to just keep moving forward, on your own.  We don't have much to 'give', if we're already mentally challenged etc.

But maybe, in time 😉 .  Ya never know.. someone may just cross your path, when you least expect it!

[LongJohn75]

On 10/30/2023 at 12:33 AM, Grogbert said:

Hi, I’m new here and I hope you’re all well .

It’s been 6 years since my last long term relationship, and while I have dated it has been very disappointing and somewhat traumatic for me. I’m 32 nearly 33, and while I don’t believe in age being an issue, I feel that personally I have no value and it’s over for me. I’ve been on dates years apart that haven’t been with the nicest of men. I’ve been let down a lot, used, and even insulted and belittled. I’ve been using my singlehood as a way to improve and better myself, but honestly, it’s also been as a self defence mechanism. I don’t know if I’ll ever trust again, and I don’t personally see myself as loveable or worthy of love. 
I want to change my view, I want to try and get out there and date again regardless but I’m quite frankly terrified. 
What should I do? Is there any words of wisdom that you may give? What could help my way of thinking about these things? I am in therapy, and while my therapist is amazing, I don’t think they’re going to be able to give me advice that may be best suited. 

I spent about 7, years as a single mostly because my ex wife manipulated and cheated. I had difficulty trusting again and typically would run a mile if things seemed off in the slightest. Having said that those were the happiest 7 years ever. Can't get hurt if you let no one in and if no one gets in you can't be disappointed. I dated in between a few times and heard similar stories form ladies about men being ungentlemanly. I think my mother would could back from the dead and beat me if I behaved on such a fashion.

 

My advice is build a friendship with someone and see if there's a spark. I tried it many times the other way about and it never seemed to work right. However there's quite a difference in being a friend and being someones partner. The friend can be a different person than the partner.

[SherrySher]

On 10/29/2023 at 10:33 PM, Grogbert said:

Hi, I’m new here and I hope you’re all well .

It’s been 6 years since my last long term relationship, and while I have dated it has been very disappointing and somewhat traumatic for me. I’m 32 nearly 33, and while I don’t believe in age being an issue, I feel that personally I have no value and it’s over for me. I’ve been on dates years apart that haven’t been with the nicest of men. I’ve been let down a lot, used, and even insulted and belittled. I’ve been using my singlehood as a way to improve and better myself, but honestly, it’s also been as a self defence mechanism. I don’t know if I’ll ever trust again, and I don’t personally see myself as loveable or worthy of love. 
I want to change my view, I want to try and get out there and date again regardless but I’m quite frankly terrified. 
What should I do? Is there any words of wisdom that you may give? What could help my way of thinking about these things? I am in therapy, and while my therapist is amazing, I don’t think they’re going to be able to give me advice that may be best suited. 

First and foremost, before you even consider dating again, be honest with yourself on if you are struggling with personal issues concerning your self esteem, self confidence and if you have healed from negative dating experiences from your past.

If any of the above is still unresolved, then your first step is to seek help to resolve those issues.

There is no point in trying to date again, carrying issues like that into a situation.

You will either continue to fail or repeat patterns of finding toxic partners.

You say you are in therapy, but they are not able to give you advice that may be best suited.

What advice specifically are you looking for?

Because I can honestly say from my quick assessment, that it really is the above issues that are causing the problems and not the dating itself.

If you feel confident in yourself, and if you feel healthy mentally and physically, you will attract similar.

If you feel unhealthy, low self esteem, negative, maybe even slightly toxic, you will attract similar.

You won't even be doing it consciously, but if you're not feeling good about yourself and if you have fear etc, then you're already starting off in a bad place.

Are you capable of healing and being in a much better place? Absolutely.

Are you able to eventually find a good partner and be in a healthy relationship? Absolutely.

If you feel your therapist is not helping, no harm in finding someone else.

It's not unusual at all to go through several therapists before you find one that is suitable for your specific needs.

Without getting too much into my own personal experiences, I was in a very similar situation as yourself.

I had given up on love, had given up on myself, had given up on everything to do with romance.

I had vowed to be single and alone the rest of my life due to traumatic experiences with relationships.

I was alone for 10 years and in that time I worked on myself. I worked on healing what was hurting me the most. I worked on building myself back up after years of being beaten down to nothing.

I eventually met someone, and even then, I pushed him away and felt such fear over any kind of romance.

He was patient with me and long story short, I am now in the healthiest relationship I have ever been in, in my life. I am very happy with my now husband, and our relationship is what I always hoped and dreamed for.

But it didn't happen overnight, and not without A LOT, of work on my end. 

But it is so worth it. I have healed myself so much. I essentially saved myself and got myself better, so that I was far healthier and could be open to a good man, like my husband is.

You can do it too.

You can heal, you can grow and you can become a better version of yourself, and eventually find a decent man and a healthy relationship.

I think my biggest piece of advice would be though, is don't try to get healthy, or heal in order to date.

Get healthier and heal, for YOU, and not for someone else.

You need to start loving yourself, take care of yourself, and to gain enough confidence and self esteem that when you do decide to date again, you won't need someone or have an unhealthy attachment to someone. You will be confident enough to know that you will be strong enough on your own and you can find your own happiness without thinking you need a man in order to be happy.

Finding my husband was a bonus, but my whole focus for years, was to find myself again.

And I did, and I know you can too.

I wish you the best of luck. 

[catfeeder]

On 10/30/2023 at 12:33 AM, Grogbert said:

I am in therapy, and while my therapist is amazing, I don’t think they’re going to be able to give me advice that may be best suited. 

What is it you want from a therapist that you're not getting?

This doesn't mean there's anything 'wrong' with the therapist, but if you don't believe they can advise you in a suitable way, then consider finding another therapist who can.

This is your time and money. While it's true that not even the best therapist in the world can live our lives for us, if they don't inspire enough trust that they can help you to do the right work, then what are you paying for?