Need unbiased views regarding coworker

[peapod419]

Have a coworker - very close.   Confused because I have pretty good instincts generally and in the abstract I would put money on the fact that this person is interested.  We are within the same workgroup and both work late (coworkers for 10 months, current closeness ~3-4), resulting in basically perpetual ongoing text conversations Mon-Fri; both work-related and not.  Further, at the end of each workday we spend an hour or so in one or the other's office shooting the breeze outside of work time (again, some work, much not).  Generally, this person won't go to any work events that I am not present at.  Weirdly, on the weekend, there is almost no contact at all unless there was something specific (occasionally there's been some drama that continued from one day to the next).  I hold off on texting even though I'd like to simply because I don't want to smother anybody or make anyone uncomfortable.  I've also realized that this person has deleted our entire text message history on more than one occasion.  In times where remote work is available, and even convenient, they have voluntarily come to the office, admitting to continue our usual afternoon routines.  Further adding to confusion: both married.  Neither particularly happily. Mine is a significant situation of two people sadly growing apart. I believe the other person's situation to be emotionally manipulative and borderline abusive from the stories I have been told.  There will be no infidelity, however.  We are very, very similar people and I wouldn't do that, so I'm sure this person would not either. This isn't about that. I am just absolutely confused. 

Both of us have mentioned that we look forward to the time spent together every day, both consider the other very important, "friendship" valued, etc.  At work events, have stayed for hours after talking.  There has been zero physical contact and conversations are never about romantic things or physical appearance.  I am typically extremely cautious about those things, both in and out of the office. I do admit that I have, recently, tried being intentionally cold/distant as a test and was immediately called out within a couple of hours, and was told not to do that because it felt extremely rejecting.

Admittedly, from my position, I feel pretty strong feelings as this person is uniquely similar to myself and while I would not act on them, I can't say that I have not considered a future in which we have found our way to one another. They are one of the smartest people I've ever met with a dedication and ambition which I find exceptionally intriguing.  For now, I am content with the friendship as it certainly makes work more pleasant.  I just find this person very difficult to read which is uncommon for me... or at least maybe the entirety of the situation is throwing me off.  I obviously feel guilt as well which isn't helping clarity.

Just looking for opinions.  They can be ones that just call me an idiot, that's fine.  Like I said, to me I'd normally say, "duh" but the peripheral issues confuse me as I have no idea how this person can simply "turn it off" on the weekend, and they are also very apprehensive/careful with how they word certain things.  So it's one of those situations where actions vs words don't entirely line up and leads to second-guessing.  Also, helpful to simply get feelings out there because obviously I can't speak about this with anyone.

[shouldhavelearned]

Put more time into your marriage or get divorced. Tell her the same.

 

[NighttimeNightmare]

4 hours ago, peapod419 said:

Further adding to confusion: both married.  Neither particularly happily. Mine is a significant situation of two people sadly growing apart. I believe the other person's situation to be emotionally manipulative and borderline abusive from the stories I have been told. 

Tale as old as time, your story isn’t unique. Most everyone who cheats has a story/reason just like this.  It’s some form of the karpman drama triangle, IMHO: woe are the two of you, in dead end or abusive marriages, and you’re one another’s saviors who came through and will alleviate the misery you feel at home — yada yada. 
 

If neither of you are happy at home, then address that before you start sneaking around and cheating, yes cheating.  Just because you feel entitled to a fresh breath of life, doesn’t mean you aren’t a cheat.  So deal with that first and foremost: if things have run their course with your husband, then let that be the case and wish him well.  But your willingness to justify this and sneak around is indicative of your character, not an external source. 
 

I can guarantee that one of the reasons this coworker is so refreshing is because he’s far enough away from you to be exciting. You don’t have to deal with being annoyed at him, or picking up his dirty clothing from the floor, no, that stuff is reserved for your husband.  Instead, he’s the reprieve from your dried-out home life. Once you bring him close, there will be issues of some form because upclose, people are messy and things become mundane. Because your character is to cheat when you’re bored… you’ll cheat on this guy with the next new exciting thing

 

4 hours ago, peapod419 said:

There will be no infidelity, however.  We are very, very similar people and I wouldn't do that, so I'm sure this person would not either. This isn't about that.

Yes it is, you two are already having an emotional affair

 

look, I’m a firm believer that most people settle in life, which I think is ridiculous. They accept “well enough” because they think someone they have amazing chemistry with just doesn’t exist…. Until they run into them.  Sometimes relationships do run their courses and we find we are better off with different people. I don’t have an issue with these concepts. My issue is you are sneaking around and cheating but insisting you aren’t. LOL. 

 

 

[JoyfulCompany]

Honestly, I don't see where the confusion comes from.

Clearly weekends are for the family/spouse, so there is some dedication to the "unhappy marriage". Maybe it's not so unhappy after all?

Clearly there's at least a small degree of emotional cheating if conversations get deleted (or carefully phrased), be it because they already caused a problem or they potentially could. Or simply because the other party doesn't want the vast amount of time spent together around the office (hours) be easily tracked. There's already some form of secret, deceit.

I would like to believe your evaluation that neither of you is going to cross the line. But what are the options, really? There's quite some serious attachment formed, even if it's only within the workdays and work-related events boundary (so far). It's not pure friendship and you know it, it's in the gray zone.

What do you plan to do - keep this fantasy and never deal with the unhappiness in your personal life? For how long? Would you two be able to still resist the attraction if there's some serious crisis in one or both of your lives/marriages? I understand you're in this situation because of some emotional lack in your life. And you do deserve to be happy but not at other people's expense. I think it's time to make some personal decisions and cut back on that communication by keeping it more professional. Not all day everyday, no extra hours in the office, etc. Again it's not pure and innocent friendship, even if only one of the parties is interested.

 

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, peapod419 said:

have no idea how this person can simply "turn it off" on the weekend

They are probably with their spouse more and can't be texting you, lest that raise suspicion when their intention isn't to blow up the marriage. 

6 hours ago, peapod419 said:

So it's one of those situations where actions vs words don't entirely line up

That's how it generally goes with married/committed people. They can't give you their time very consistently. Perhaps your spouse doesn't notice you are messaging with someone else, but it would seem this other person has a different sort of marriage in which it would be noticed. 

It seems very much as though this other person loves having you in their fan club but that's about it. You have let your feelings get involved. It's time to stop all of this. 

[Kwothe28]

6 hours ago, peapod419 said:

and they are also very apprehensive/careful with how they word certain things. 

Yes, because you both know you are innapropriate toward your partners. 

And that is my main takeaway from this. If you want to pursue something else, you should divorce first. Then you can date this one or any other person. Now, you maybe want this one. But this person is also married. And also doesnt really rush toward divorce. Heck, from all you wrote, its not sure if they like you in the first place to even pursue something. And even if they do, that is affair, not a relationship. So, divorce first. Then pursue whoever you want. Prefferably somebody who is single in the first place. 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, peapod419 said:

both married.  I have no idea how this person can simply "turn it off" on the weekend.  I just find this person very difficult to read which is uncommon for me... 

 How long have you worked together? How old is she? Do either of you have children at home? Are either of you in a supervisory  position? Is your friendship a subject of office gossip? How do you know her marriage is "abusive"? 

It's good to have work friends and your work helps distract you from a bad marriage. However it's not confusing or difficult to read because you're both married and busy with your families weekends and evenings.

Additionally it's possible that these work chats are deleted because they're inappropriate with causing issues at home or at the workplace. Step way back. There's nothing to read here unless you are fantasizing about an affair. 

Rather than trying to "read" this situation, try to focus on what to do to make your home life more tolerable. 

[peapod419]

I do very much appreciate all of the opinions and advice.  Generally I agree with all of it, if not quite to the extremes that some have taken (which I certainly don't blame anyone for having that position; it's up to me to articulate it).  Part of me figuring out my own next steps was making sure I was properly assessing the situation, or at least in the ballpark.  The correct step is to scale it back.  

@JoyfulCompany I believe yours to be the most on-the-money and just wanted to say thanks specifically for the perspective.

[smackie9]

You two are getting a dopamine hit off each other, so of course the more you do this the more your marriages seem unsatisfying. It's an emotional illusion. You are too focused on it to see how damaging it is to your relationship with your spouse and your job. Stop, and think about how you would feel if your wife was doing this, and feeling this way to another man. It's very hurtful. If you don't cut this out, you will live with regret and guilt.

Tip: lots of people exaggerate the state of their marriage to get attention/empathy. This is one of the first steps towards an affair.

[catfeeder]

There is something called a work husband and work wife. These don’t always cross boundaries, but they can.

I’ve worked with a guy for 18 years. His wife joined our team for a short while as a freelancer, and while I like her a lot, I didn’t bond with her to the same degree, which was more about the short duration.

But every plan outside of work has included an invitation to her. Every phone call to or from his home has extended a hello to her and their daughter, who I’ve watched grow up.

 I say this to preface more intimate things, like sometimes making him a sandwich when I make mine, or taking walks outside our building in the afternoons or shooting a couple games of pool at the local pub, or meeting up with one of our other colleagues after work.

So this is stuff that could be considered inappropriate if taken out of context, even while we don’t view it as threatening to our reputations or our relationships outside of work. I will say that we inspire one another to enjoy our work, and when we do put in extra hours it’s our companionship that helps to make that easier and preferable to stressing deadlines.

My friend does raise an occasional question about how to handle an issue with his daughter or wife, but this is in the spirit of wanting to benefit them, not to complain about them.

That could be the key difference right there. Either a partner is operating in their spouse and family’s best interests, or not. It sounds as though you are not.

It’s one thing for a work relationship to energize you about your work, and it’s another to use that relationship to contaminate your home life.

Does your job offer an EAP (Employee Assistance Program)? This would be free counseling sessions with a provider of your choice (not someone inside your company) and you may want to learn whether such sessions could help you reframe this relationship to keep your work life inspired even while avoiding harm to your emotional well being and your family.

I hope you will write more if it helps.

[NighttimeNightmare]

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

Either a partner is operating in their spouse and family’s best interests, or not. It sounds as though you are not.

It’s one thing for a work relationship to energize you about your work, and it’s another to use that relationship to contaminate your home life.

1000% this. Amazing response 

 

I have several female friends and never once have any of them talked poorly about any partners I’ve had during domestic issues, instead they advocated for both myself and partner becoming the best versions of ourselves.  Never once did they hint at being able to “do it better” than a partner I had and that we should be an item instead.  No secrecy. No confusion. Just pure, honest, clean friendships. 

[Andrina]

Yes, sometimes people fall into emotional affairs, and very often with a co-worker, when there is a lack of an emotional connection with their primary partner.

Even if there is no physical cheating or flirting, the amount of time and emotional energy you're pouring into each other is not healthy for yourselves, and obviously, a betrayal of your spouse/partner.

So either decide to divorce or to work on your marriage. In either case, it's best to be up front with the "work spouse." Such as: I've decided I'm going to work on building the relationship back with my spouse, and to do that, we'll have to go no contact and just be pleasant to each other at work--no more time spent together.

Really, it should be the same if you're getting a divorce, because when you eventually want to date again and your co-worker is still married, you'll never properly be able to bond with a new love, plus, a new love will rarely be that dumb to not know you're too involved with a co-worker and make a quick exit from you.

Good luck.

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, peapod419 said:

  The correct step is to scale it back 

Yes. Definitely try to be more professional. Discontinue trying to chitchat about personal stuff and on weekends. Keep in mind messy workplace romances are a bad idea in general and for married people in particular. 

Figure out what's wrong at home rather than using this coworker as an escape from your unhappy marriage.