She breaks NC after 3 1/2 months! I need your opinions.

[alphonsefa]

Wow, what a roller coaster this has all been! I started posting here back in November when the girl I planned on marrying, having a family with, buying a house with, and sharing a life with; out of the blue, left me to go back to an abusive boyfriend she had been with for six years. Some physical abuse, but the most damaging was the mental abuse. For those interested in knowing more, you can follow my drama by reading my previous posts.

 

But to make a long story short, she wound up coming back 2 weeks after she first left. Then on Christmas night, it all blew up again. She told me things like she didn't want to be the center of my life, that I needed to get my own life, that it "just wasn't there in the end", that she wasn't the one for me, and that I needed to keep getting out there until I found someone. Strange part is that though I loved her to death and would've given her the world, she mis-interpreted that as being needy of her.

 

Both times we broke up, I initially tried to get her back. I never asked her back, but I left the door for her to get back. In retrospect, I made it too easy for her to get back. She would pick up and put down the ex-abusive boyfriend at will, and he'd always go back to her. I had told her that if you want me in your life long term, you can't pick me up and put me down anytime you het depressed. She has major problems with depression and even takes medication for it. Given her background and circumstances, I treated her differently. I gave her too much leeway and excused a lot of bad, and hurtful behavior. Please learn from me and never let anyone treat you poorly, regardless of their circumstances. Their problems are not your problems, and if you're not careful they will suck you in like a whirlpool and drag you down with them. Soon you lose yourself in their drama and the relationship becomes an exercise in analyzing everything the other person says. It becomes an emotional drain in every part of your life.

 

With that being said, after all of the hurtful, cold, and dismissive things she said to me, she called me back yet a third time and we re-united. It lasted all of a couple of weeks. Again, the breakup having to do with her emotional states swinging back and forth; one week she wants me, the next she wants to be alone. Finally, after getting the cold shoulder from her yet a third time (yup I got hit by the same bus 3 times, dumb I know!), I had enough. When she came to pick up her clothes I had also packed up all the clothes she had given me. When she came in to get her stuff and give me my keys, I justifiably ripped her a new one and showed her a side of me that she hadn't seen before. I wasn't threatening, but I was brutally honest with her and told her that he was messed up for the way he treated her, and that she was messed up for going back to that. Told her that next time she gets depressed, not to call me. Told her that she was a nightmare and always has been a nightmare. I'll never forget her turning to me while going to her car and saying, I'll never call you again!

 

A month later after no contact, I write her an email telling her that I'm sorry things turned out the way they did, that I still loved her and always would, and that the time that's wasting away should've been our time together building our dreams. Got no response! Next night I call and have a 30 second conversation. I ask, "can we talk"? She emphatically says NO! I say, "well I wanted to talk with you, but if that's your attitude, I'm sorry I called". Then I calmly hung up. Two and a half months pass with NC at all between us. The phone rings tonight and it's her, said she just wanted to know how I was doing. I told her real good, and for the next five mintutes we talked about my new job and her job; nothing mentioned about us. We ended the conversation when she said, "well I just wanted to see how you were doing". I said, "I'm doing good, it was good hearing from you, take care". Then we both said goodbye.

 

Here's the problem and it's something that a lot of you are experiencing that have your ex calling you back. It's obvious that this girl still cares for me. She's swallowing her pride to call me. We know she didn't call to see how I was, she called to test the waters. It's also obvious that she has the ability to "turn me off" at times. What I mean is, she can go long periods wothout thinking about me or wanting to be with me. Even though it's obvious that she wants back, it's a half hearted attempt at best. Do I really want someone who so easily had brought great pain to me, and has done it so coldly? I've done my work in this relationship, she got two more chances that I've never given anyone else before. She told me once that no one has ever treated her as good as I have. I wound up getting taken for granted. I told her when we broke up the last time, "you've mistaken my kindness for weakness". Once someone crosses a line like this and has willingly hurt you in the past, it's not a matter of if they will do it again, it's a matter of when they will do it again. I don't believe you can change someone, and I don't believe you can rescue a relationship, once the person you love betrays you.

 

The more I think about her calling, it bothers me. How dare she call me! What is she thinking? She's the one that wanted to be alone, she's the one that didn't want me in her life. I left her alone, totally alone. How cold and cruel is this woman to call me up to see how I am doing?! There was no reason for her to call! It's like someone picking at a wound that was on it's way to healing. What does she want from me? Am I her security blanket? Confused as ever, and welcome your feedback. Thanks for reading this long post.

[heloladies21]

I don't think you can assume she wants to get back together. From what's happened I think she's just checking to see if you're available "just in case" she changes her mind sometime down the road, which she probably never will. A lot of bad precidents set in the relationship which can't be undone. You can tell her that it won't be so easy for u 2 to get back together, but she's seen differently in the past and people believe what they see over what they hear.

 

Anyways, looks like a dead issue to me as she doesn't take you or your emotions seriously. Not something you can teach her to do. No Contact for real this time and work on finding someone new.

[sonjam]

alphonsefa, don't get dragged into her game again. She's very selfish, and distored in her views. She keeps on going to the abusive bf, becouse it is probably the only way she knows how to function.

 

you on the other hand provide a stable, loving relationship, and some people who is used to unhealthy abusive realtionships just don't know how to function in a "normal" relationship. This is obviously the case with her. She wants out, but when she's there she does not know what to do. Sort of like a dog chasing a car. When he catches the car, then what now!??

 

In my opionion you will never find happiness with this girl. You will always have the DRAMA and roalercoaster, that's the only way she knows how to operate.

 

I think you should be angry and upset, but don't continue to keep contact. It's simply not healthy and not the direction you want your life to take.

[sonjam]

oh, and things are probably going downhill again with the ex so now you are back on the cards again, do you really want to be the substitute?

[BillyJean714]

There's a saying: "Once an Ex, always an ex." Okay, fine in some cases, 2nd chances do work out, but it's rare.

 

In your case, it sounds as though your ex already made up her mind about the relationship that she shares with you. I don't know about other women, but for me, once I make up my mind about a guy, it's permanant. And, if I do decide to keep in touch with the ex, it's mostly to say what's up. I only kept in touch with my ex once in a while, because we went through some crazy drama with each other and we lasted for close to 4 years. I'd call to say what's up, see what he's up to, but that is it.

 

I don't see her calling you as intentions for getting back since she did leave you for her ex. Anytime a girl does this, it's a clear sign that the relationship is practically dead. If she does this to you, then she's basically saying that the relationship that you guys shared wasn't good enough. Better to cut her off loose instead of wasting time. Love is mutual, and it certainly isn't on her part. You will find someone better. Hang in there!

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

You ever watch Swingers buddy? I have read a lot of psychology and know quite a number of people like this. When someone shows them unconditional love they look at it and the person as less valuable cuz they didn't have to always work for it. They see value in conflict cuz it means they are investing. They are too self-absorbed and full of self-loathing and insecurity to understand the value of what they are getting for free.

You see, you my friend, are worth a million dollar lotto ticket. You are that lucky chance partner who could make them happier if they weren't so full of self hate. However where you might be a lotto ticket, all they see is a piece of paper they picked up by chance in some quickee store.

Sometimes they are so insecure they even lose interest once they get it cuz they lamely think it'll always be available like dimonds on the street.

They look at you as second hand goods or of less quality cuz you give them lots of candy for free. It's almost economic.

Instead they rather have the less fuctional/inferior partner mistaking him for the better quality cuz he is always making her work to keep him happy. It's supply and demand and a very twisted way of looking at a relationship. I think we all do it to a certain extent but these people do it the worst.

The reason she is calling you is cuz yeah she is interested again, by not pursuing her and showing her love you are now offering a challenge. She can suddenly start thinking more about you cuz she's had months to rethink her decision and is now presented with a goal of proving her worth. They become infatuated and fall in love while trying to validate themselves. But bewoe the loving nice man who gives love freely instead of making them constantly work for it. Then they will take it for granted. They are vampires. When it comes to relationships they don't have much character, integrity, morality, cuz they are too obsessed with themselves, their own self doubts, to have the kinda empathy it takes to create that kinda personalized morality.

She never fell in love with you cuz she never had to really think about how much you meant to her since you were easy/low challenge goods and anyone who loves her so easily when she doesn't love herself must be an inferior mate.

Could you get her to fall deeper for you. Probably. Would you have to play hard to get? definitely. You'd have to act uninterested, into other girls and most importantly LIKE YOU ARE TOO GOOD FOR HER.

Do you want this border line person in your life loving you very deeply which will probably mean constant conflicts/insecurity, psycho dilema, emotional immaturity, accusations and unneccesary drama? That's up to you to decide. Maybe someday she will be healthy enough to be a good mate. It is 'possible' although she hasn't up to this point. She definitely needs lot's of psychiatry. She probably wont even make the effort to change. However do you really want to wait and see?

Most importantly, don't make the mistake of becoming her. There are plenty of good high quality women out there who will love you FOREVER without the stupid drama. I know you love her but if you are/were drawn to her and put up with her #### cuz she poses a challenge to you even when she emotionally abuses you then you are exactly like her. Of course you can always rationalize it by saying "while she can't ever control herself."

One last thing. DO NOT -- I REPEAT DO NOT -- SHOW ANY EMOTION WHATSOEVER ON THE PHONE WITH HER AND DO NOT TAKE ANY OF IT PERSONALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT IS WHAT THESE TYPES OF WOMEN WANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! By showing emotion you show that you still care. Be cool, aloof, stoic and indifferent. She might try to make you jealous. She might seem needy. She will probably be friendly. Don't fall for it.

[Rainz]

Very, very well said Napolean, very constructive points raised here. I found it also relevant to my own experiences.

 

This woman really doesn't sound healthy at all. She's just out for herself. They way she's going back and forth, back and forth just seems like she has no idea of what she wants.

 

Alfonsepha I agree with what the previous posters have said about this woman. Don't let her mess with your heart and feelings it seems that that is all that she would do. I think you did more than enough with your last 3 attempts at trying to make things work. If she didn't appreciate you after all that then when would she appreciate you?

 

When I hear stories like this it really makes my heart ache at times, a woman like me who has loved freely in my relationships, not mucked my partnets around etc, just been shring, giving and loving etc and when things go bad they don't even make half the effort as you have. Ironically a woman like your ex, who basically seems selfish, unappreciative and lots more are the ones who have the guys making the effort to whatever which way he can to keep the relationship alive, very ironic.

[alphonsefa]

Thanks for the great replies all! Was this a testing the water call from her, to see if I'd hang up on her or tell her off? Or was this a let me keep tabs on him call in case I decide to change my mind again call?

 

Napoleon, I kept the conversation limited to talking about work only. The most persoanl question I asked her was, "how have you been?". It was obvious that she wanted to end the conversation when she said, "okay, well I just wanted to call to see how you've been". I just said, "okay. well it was good hearing from you, take care" and the we said bye.

 

Napoleon, you deinitely had some very relevant points, especially the selfishness of it. This is a girl, whose personal life has been a living hell for the last 6 years, something that she'd readily admit to. I guess I did take a lot of it personally. First of all, I'm a hell of a nice guy, but have never been a doormat for anyone! I'm good looking, and I don't say that with arrogance, I've always dated attractive women. I'm successful, and have a very interesting and colorful work history. It just floored me that it amounts to her dumping me twice for a guy that wasn't in my league. He's not even playing the same game! What hurt most of all was that we had a story book romance that she tarnished forever. Once the trust factor is breached, I don't think you ever fully make it back to normalcy.

 

I have no intention of initiating contact either via phone or email. I think the call may have been her cracking the door open and saying it's now okay to call her, which I won't. Everything is always on her terms. I let a month pass last time and she wanted nothing to do with me when I called. But now that she decides contact is okay, it's fine to pick up the phone and call me. I could've been a J*** Off and hung up on her, but I thought that would've given her an easy way out by her concluding that I still hated her. My intention was to show her that I can do just fine without her in my life, and to raise doubts about her very poor decisions concerning our relationship. I don't think she really wants me back. I just think she's lonely, she has no friends to talk to, no one in her family to confide in, and I've just become a friendly voice from the past to boost her ego, when she is feeling down; something I have no intention of being. It just seems bizarre that for 3 1/2 months, I could've died and she would've never acknowledged it, and now suddenly she's concerned for my welfare. That makes absolutely no sense, and maybe that's what I'm struggling with, the reason for this how have you been phone call. What were her motives for this intrusive call? What do I say and do if she should call again?

[heloladies21]

Tell her not to call again so you can get on with your life.

[danimal77]

He should only tell her that if that's what HE wants...I am always amazed how people on her tell others what they should do, as if they know what is best for that person. Only Alfon....knows what's best for him...

 

Don't react right away. Let some time pass and clear those cobwebs out of your head and see this through the most objective of ways... She is a confused girl and is probably not even aware of how much her actions or lack thereof have even affected you...

 

Just don't think the worst right away, as you have with thoughts of "how dare she"...She is doing what is best for her and if she was not in your life for 3 months in doesn't necessarily mean that she didn't care if you lived or died. I too thought the same thing about my ex, who has done to me what yours has done to you...

 

People like your ex are very unstable people and they are TOO self-absorbed to see the damage they create around themselves and if they see, they are too weak to do anything about it...Don't be angry with her. Feel sorry for her, but take care of yourself. Time to be selfish my man..

 

Dan

[heloladies21]

He should only tell her that if that's what HE wants...I am always amazed how people on her tell others what they should do, as if they know what is best for that person. Only Alfon....knows what's best for him...

 

Dude, this is an advice forum. He asked us what we think he should do. He specifically asked for our opinions so he can make a more informed decision. Nobody's telling him what to do, just giving him advice. Do you understand?

[danimal77]

Dude, it's just that sometimes people on here are in a very vulnerable and suggestable state and you really don't want anyone doing something that doesn't come from within them or they feel 100% comfortable with, because they will then make others mistakes and have real regret afterwards not having followed their own instincts.

 

I guess it's in the way you phrased it. It didn't seem like a suggestion, but more so like "DO THIS"...That's how I interpreted it..

 

Again, as I have been stating since October 2002, this is a "Getting Back Together" forum and hence, that should speak for itself...Some people on here want to get their ex back and some don't. Some people on here offer advice on how to do it and others discourage it to the death. I used to be of the former school, but have grown with time and now, I encourage for the individual to get back to their TRUE self first and go from there. I don't believe in ABSOLUTE terms anylonger. Nothing in life is absolute...

 

No disrespect to you my man...

 

Peace,

 

Dan

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

If alfon was sure what was best for him he probably wouldn't be on an advice colum.

That being said, if she is doing what is best for her how would that mean going back to a guy who beats her? And how do you know she is 'too weak' to do anything about it. It sounds like you are making excuses for her.

[danimal77]

If alfon was sure what was best for him he probably wouldn't be on an advice colum.

That being said, if she is doing what is best for her how would that mean going back to a guy who beats her? And how do you know she is 'too weak' to do anything about it. It sounds like you are making excuses for her.

 

Why would I make excuses for someone I don't even know? Going back to a guy who beats her tells me a lot about her. No it doesn't tell me she is doing what's best for her, but it tells me that she is going back to the abuser because that's what she feels she deserves and NOT kindness and respect, of which Al has an abundance of. It also justifies my point that she is very confused and that being said, I advise that Al does not get wrapped up in her confusion. He should just be aware of the fact that she is and no, that's no excuse, but not everyone in this world has the strength to JUST STOP inflicting pain on others. Those people usually hate themselves and if you closely enough at that and make them look at themselves, as Al has attempted to do, they will just look away as a result.

 

Sad But True....

 

Al, you can't save her. Save yourself man...

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

Something tells me you are personalizing this. Something is or recently has been happening to you that makes you relate to this instance. That's why you are making excuses for her.

That being said we agree. He needs to worry about himself first.

[danimal77]

Yes, he needs to take care of himself first.

[alphonsefa]

Thanks guys! Hey Dan, how you been my man. Yes Dan's Ex and my Ex were cut from the same cloth; I know Dan't story well. It's funny how I can look at his circumstances and offer logical, sound, advice, yet when I look at mine it's nothing but fog. I know he feels the same way. When your emotions are involved, your judgment is clouded, and sometimes you need to hear things you may already know, even if they are from complete strangers.

 

What upset me about her contacting me is that she obviously knows I care for her, I always have. She knows that she has hurt me greatly on more than a couple of occasions. She is the one that said she is not good at relationships, that she wants to be alone, that I don't need be in a relationships with someone who has severe bouts of depression, and that she was going to eventually F this thing up. At first I fought those notions. But after seeing how easily she hurt me and would cast me off, I came to agree with her. And though it was the hardest thing I ever had to do, I vowed now to contact her anymore after the last breakup. I even started forgetting about her, went through hours upon hours of the day with her not even being a thought. She knows, she has to, that when she called me up to "see how I was doing", she was drawing me into something she told me numerous times that she didn't want me any part of. If you don't love someone, let them go. To hang on the way she is doing is really cruel when I think about it. It's nothing but a tease to me.

[danimal77]

Al, I think her knowing you care for her as much as you do, in a sense makes her feel guilty, because she knows that she may not be the type of woman to reciprocate the same level fo love as you can....She may have felt that she has NO other choice but to leave and deep down may still care for you and she may have gone against her better judgement in having called you up...

 

I am trying to remain objective as much as possible. I have done my share of painting the ex (my ex) out to be a devil in a dress and it just f@cked me up even more...

 

It's really hard to get into her head and why she does what she does. Be aware of yourself Al and how what she does affects you and that is all you have control over. She is NOT like you and that is obvious.

 

You mentioned earlier about her confusing your kindness for weakness...That really hit home for me. I shed some tears this past time, when she left me AGAIN. I shed them and then stopped. It lasted all of 10 seconds. She told me that she is tired of the bc..ie: my babyness, drama...That was SO unfair. Somewhere along the way she forgot that I am human and have feelings...Just because she talks to me with HER head, doesn't mean that my heart is not being affected...

 

Anyways, I know what you mean about the teasing aspect. She may not be considering your feelings by having called you and that may be the reason why she stayed away for as long as she has, because she didn't want to inflict more pain on you. It could be that she missed you. Her pride could have stood in the way this hold time....

 

The truth is, no one knows but her and she may not even know herself...At this stage, all you should continue to do is focus in on yourself and know who YOU are and do not divert from that...

 

I still have to contact my ex again... I have stuff of hers at my place and I want to pay her back some money she had given me 3 years ago....I will have to separate my feelings when I do and make it all about business, but I have healed quite a bit and will be able to be emotionally detached enough during this time....

 

BTW Al, you have NO idea how similar our cases are. My ex is currently back with her ex, a man who abused her as well for 3 years apparently. I tried to save her from the memories of her time with him and she leaves me and reconnects with him...None of it makes sense to us, because we would never do those kinds of things. Empathy man, but not at the cost of losing your own sanity..

 

Stay strong and if you have any advice for me, it would be appreciated...

 

PEace,

 

Danimal

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

These women sound like losers and they are using you both for validation. Every think that maybe just knowing she has sooo much power over your heart makes it difficult for her to fall for you?

[danimal77]

Hey Napolean, I hope your ego isn't as large as the original Napoleans. To come on here and state that our ex's are loosers has more than shocked me. I've frequented this board dating back to 2002 and NO ONE on here has ever been that blunt. That's a lack of class man to insult someone like that. I know it wasn't directed at us, but at our ex's, but if you can see, I am NOT on here seeking advice this time around. I am helping those learn from my experiences and I am smart enough to know about who has my heart and who doesn't. I am in full possession of my own feelings today. I have come a long way. I won't speak on behalf of Al, but I will take personal offense to your comments. Try and exert some tact man and I'll leave it at that. I am not a moderator on here, but those that are, I think you should be stepping in when you see words like looser being posted on your site.

 

Dan

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

Show me someone who never insults someone else who they percieved to have demonstrated utterly contemptable behavior and I'll show you a liar.

There is nothing in the rules that suggests you can't express disgust over somebody who doesn't visit these chatboards.

Now onto the cases here.

So far, if I am reading this correctly, I am hearing two emotionally abusive women denegrate the two of you and then go back to abusers. That to me is pretty contemptable behavior.

What I am curious about is why the so called 'nice guys' reward them for abusing you. It's one thing to try and support them as a friend (if you haven't decided to tell them to get lost) but if you are considering taking them back each time (and I don't know the specifics of your particular case) then you have absolutely no more respect for yourself than they do -- and that's tragic.

I am not trying to be a jerk. I am just annalyzing what seems to be instances of a vicious cycle here. Just cuz they are women and depressed doesn't mean they are completely helpless.

Of course I could be wrong, which I might be, and they aren't so emotionally abusive, in which case I used the term "sounds like..." when describing them.

[danimal77]

Napolean, I'd have to say that you are pretty damn accurate, but no one assumes a run, until you give it to them and reinforce it (hence the cycle you speak of)...

 

I don't even really know what part of even how to respond to your comments..You're pretty wise in your assessments and yes, I had lost MUCH of my self-respect over time with my ex. I have been regaining it for some time now..

 

The contact I will have with her in the near future, will be to start paying her back some money she had given me in the beginning of the relationship and for her to collect her belongings. I will be all about business and no emotions when that time comes..

 

She can't get to me anymore Napolean. I see past HER BS and I am aware of my own limitations as to what I will tolerate today and what I will not. I can't be made to feel guilty for ohw things turned out anymore..

 

With time, the truth comes out and realization hits home. I do believe this.

 

In any case, your honesty in this case has been noted and appreciated...

 

Peace,

 

Danimal

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

Thanks man and good luck with this. Remember, no emotion.

If you keep in touch with her make it VERY limited until she see's a psychiatrist and really comes out and apologizes for the crap she has done and takes serious measures to correct herself. And even then only as a friend for now since you can't be sure. I have very little patience for these type of people anymore.

[alphonsefa]

Hey Dan and Napoleon,

 

Napoleon, I agree that she may be a loser, something she'd probably readily admit to you. But the loser part comes from what she has damaged, and what she has given away. Though she may have tagged me as being needy for her, never have I asked her to come back to me while we were apart. In fact, I told her point blank, that I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't want to be with me. The irony of this last breakup is that it was I that brought things to a head. She had come over to give me her key back and pick up her clothes. In fact when she handed the key to me, she said, "this doesn't mean anything" and smiled. She was going into her, "I just want to be alone for a while moods". What percipitated that whole thing was a conversation that we had a few days before that. This girl knows she is F'd up, and from time to time she would flat out tell me that I should keep my options open if I meet someone else. Even went to the point of telling me that it wouldn't bother her if I was dating someone else. In the past I'd tell her that she is the only woman that I wanted and that finding someone else wasn't even a thought. But on this last occasion I had enough of the B.S. and decided to call her on it by throwing her words back in her face. This time I told her that I agree with her, that should I meet someone that I have a chance of a long term future with, I would seriously consider it. When she came back this last time, the third time (it sounds freaking ridiculous even saying that doesn't it?), she said she wanted to take things day by day. I told her fine, we'll just date each other, and to alleviate any stress or pressure she may have been feeling, that all of the plans we had made in the past were now off the table. I told her that everytime she faces a commitment with me, she runs. So to make life easier on everyone, we would take things day by day, and that there were no expectations or obligations on either of our parts. She was free to come and go as she liked, and so was I. At first she seemed receptive to the idea, but the next couple of days she did a 180 on it, for I had snatched away everything she had worked for with me, and basically categorized her as just another woman to date and pass the time with, until the real thing came along. All I was doing was protecting myself, and treating her the way she had treated me.

 

During our relatuonship, never once did she curse at me, or purposely put me down. But, she did mis-characterize me a great deal. When I said that she mis-took my kindness for weakness, I meant every word of it. The reason I showed her so much love was simple. It wasn't because she had any sort of control over me or that I wouldn't be able to live without her, it was simply because I loved her and that's how I am with the people I deem as special in my life. I also knew how I was with people, especially women in relationships. When I've given you my best, and been myself and not played these foolish games to make you want me more; and you've rejected me, I walk! I usually walk for good with this being the only exception.

 

The night she picked up her clothes, I was downright brutally honest with her. I told her she was a sick F*** for crying in bed on Christmas night because I didn't propose to her, and then the next day breaking up with me, waiting a whole week, and then spending New Years with the abusive Ex boyfriend. I said, "he's a sick F*** for treating you like that, and you're a sick F*** for going back". On the way out the door I told her, "next time you get depressed, don't F***IN call me". She turned and said disgustedly, "I WILL NEVER CALL YOU AGAIN"! To which I responded, "good, go the F away, you're a nightmare, and you've always been a nightmare". It was a side of me that she had never seen. A month later I sent her that short email, and then followed up with the phone call. She didn't want to talk, so I threw the towel in. Stopped all contact with her! I didn't do it to get her back, or to get back at her. I did it because everything was just too much of a struggle, and that's not what life or love are about. Life is hard enough without creating your own problems, something she was an expert at. Just as things would start to go great for her and for I, she would blow it all up. I was absolutely stunned when she left that first time. This was a girl, a few days before, sitting at lunch telling me how much she hates going to work later that day because she wanted to hang out with me; that even when she's in work she thinks about spending time with me. Then in the blink of an eye, for no reason whatsoever, she threw me away. Though I was crushed, I was more scared than anything. Not scared of losing her, scared of how easy she could turn her emotions on and off. So I let her be, something I have done everytime she has walked away. I walked because I realized this was a dangerous person to consider sharing a life with. Though I love her with all of my heart, and always will, she has continually brought me a great deal of pain. The only solice I took from it was that I never showed her just how much pain she caused me.

 

Dan, my advice to you is "do as I do", and not as I say. Forget the games, forget the perceptions, and forget over thinking everything. Just be yourself, and trust in your decisions. If you try again with her, just give it your best effort, if she throws it away, walk with your head up because at least you will be able to leave with a clear conscious. Though it will be painful, at least you won't second guess yourself. The worst thing is to lose someone because you were playing games and not being yourself. There's nothing wrong with losing them after you've given them your best. Even though she has called me, which was done to get her foot back in the door, I will not initiate any contact with her at all! I'm not doing this as a game, I'm doing it to protect me. First and foremost, should I contact her and not get the response I want, I'd be devestated again. I'd feel like Charlie Brown when Lucy moves the football on him. Secondly, as far as control goes, it's something I never tried to get, but for her to call after my words to her, and her words to me, I'd say that in her mind, it's something that she is starting to doubt that she ever had. I think that she thought I'd fall to pieces without her, when in fact my life and my career have done the opposite. By giving her space and letting her play this dangerous game, she has no idea what she has risked. She may have already lost me because should I begin dating her again, I would lose the girl I am with forever. So for me to get back with her, I have to risk 2 relationships, and her past behavior doesn't warrant that sacrafice from me.

[danimal77]

Al, that time came and went from February to May (one month ago)....I am no longer the one to blame. She left me again on her own volition...I will not second guess myself this time around.

 

Napolean, I will pay her back, not because she wants me to, but because I am a MAN who lives up to my word. Forget about her seeing a psychiatrist. If that was meant as a joke, it made me laugh . She only admitted to doing anything wrong when she wanted back in and when she left, she would be back to her old tricks (being cold, cruel and taking it all away)....I never knew where her true sincerity was and I don't think she knew herself either. She was two people struggling to be just one...

 

Anyways, enough about that. I do NOT fear her anymore. I see through it and I see myself at the end and NO longer her being an extension of me...

 

I am not sure when to make that call, knowing fully well I would be able to conduct myself in a mature manner, without ANY emotions (even though deep down I still care). I have mastered this art and it has become real and no longer is an effort. My dilemma is not so much whether or not she will be recpetive or even nice, but more so if by calling her I will be lowering my own self-worth, even putting myself in that situation. For now, all I want it to be is about the money. She could be the most calculating, cold and formal woman, until she chooses not to be. I am NOT that kind of man, but she has forced me to become that way with her.

 

She ended it almost 6 weeks ago (the last time I saw her), but the last piece of contact was a week ago today...It was her b-day...

 

And so, my friends, I am on here to help all those that need help and can learn from my experiences and benefit from them in any capacity, but right now, I know that I feel prepared to go in with that phone call, but I'm just not sure if it's too damn soon to do so...and how to even approach it when I do call, other than just cutting to the chase with her, seeing she is a cut and dry individual....