Shy guy!

[Kwnantia]

  I know him through our involvement in music and mutual acquaintances. He is 21 and I am 26. He is very shy but he is everything I look for in a man in terms of his character. I know he is five years younger but he is such a good and responsible guy. I have noticed that he also stares intently but because he is very shy, he doesn't do anything else. I have started to talk to him but I noticed that he does not continue the conversation, he does not ask a you. For example, I was asking him about his college but he didnt ask me nothing if i ever go to college and what did i study there. I don't know what to do since he doesn't manifest either!

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, Kwnantia said:

  I know him through our involvement in music and mutual acquaintances. He is 21 and I am 26. 

How long have you know him? What type of music involvement and mutual friends do you have? How often do you see him in person? Does he have a GF? 

You could try more small talk and perhaps suggest getting a coffee or snack when you see him to try to get a sense of things.

It's ok to have a crush but he hasn't asked you out or even continued a conversation with you. So relax and be prepared if he just wants to be friends.

[Kwnantia]

Thank you for your response. I know him about 1 year now. I met him through my cousin who is in the music band too and we chat a little. I noticed him looking at me intently 3 weeks ago. For the first time he joined our company and come walking with us. I see him in person once a week. I dont think he has a girlfriend but he is very private and shy so i am not 100% sure. The biggest fault is what you said too that he doesn't continue a conversation. 

[lostandhurt]

He may be afraid of saying the wrong thing or looking stupid in your eyes so he freezes up.

 Keep doing what you are doing and help him relax around you.  Be playful and fun and get him to smile and when he does compliment him on his smile.

 In the end you will need to ask him out on a date.  When that happens is up to you but don't wait to long though.

 Have you ever asked a guy out before?

Lost

[Kwnantia]

I haven't asked a guy because they first ask me. In this case, he is very shy so I know I can't wait for him to ask me out. I don't know how to ask properly a very shy guy without him be protective of himself because he may be afraid how to respond to me. But I have talked to him a few times and he always doesn't ask about me but he continues talking about him, he doesn't stop the conversation soon. 

[boltnrun]

"Hey, I could go for a coffee and a muffin. You wanna come with?"

[Andrina]

1 hour ago, Kwnantia said:

I don't know how to ask properly a very shy guy without him be protective of himself because he may be afraid how to respond to me. But I have talked to him a few times and he always doesn't ask about me but he continues talking about him, he doesn't stop the conversation soon. 

If he's can't even fathom a yes when you've garnered the courage to ask him to get together one-on-one, then he's losing out on a golden opportunity if he's actually into you. Just ask him the say way guys have asked you (at least in a way those times you've welcomed the invite--it's been asked in a courteous way).

But if this happens and he's still dull in conversation, you might end up having to admit you've held some fantasy that he behaves the way he does is really not due to shyness, but because what other people are doing doesn't interest him that much.

There are people I can't stand speaking to, like my former sister-in-law. I'd ask about where she's working and I'd get a 3 word answer with no expansion. She'd only speak about what was going on in the room at the time. Not about the news. Not asking me any questions. Not about any of her future plans. Dullsville.

Yeah, I'd get to the bottom of what he's about now since I'm assuming you've had this crush for a year. It's time to either nip it in the bud or to see if he has any more dimensions worth exploring.

[lostandhurt]

He may be clueless so asking him in such a way so he understands it is a date and not just hanging out it is key.  Of course you could just hang out with him and see how things go if you like too.

 How about this:  "Have you ever been asked out on a date by a woman?"  Assuming the answer is no then "Well now you can answer that question with a yes, would you like to go on a date with me?"

 The question upfront brings his mind to the possibility and then you follow it up with the ask. 

He is just a guy that is more afraid of you than you are of him.  Be brave and ask.

 If he is so skittish it is like walking up on a deer then he may not be the guy for you after all. 

Lost

[Kwnantia]

Thank you for your responses. I am pretty sure that he won't come and talk to me by himself. He is not sure about himself and this is the reason i don't go talk to him all the time because I'm afraid he will be so nervous that he could not keep the conversation going. He knows I'm older than him and I understand that he is afraid to ask me out for rejection. 

With the other people is shy too. Sometimes in the music band he distances himself from the others and sits alone. If he talks, I see him preparing what to say before he speaks.

He told me six months ago that his only hobby is playing videogames all day and going to the gym. I told him that all day playing is too much but in a funny way. Its a difficult task with him because of his shyness. I'm shy too but not this much.

[boltnrun]

What about this guy is attractive to you?

[Kwnantia]

If you mean what i find in him attractive is his character most. His has good manners, he respects. I have never heard him say mean things about others and we talk he was careful what to say. His friends i know are good guys too. I like that he is not a player or a womanizer. He seems like the type of guy that when he will fall in love, he will be loyal and respectful to his girl. His appearance is nice too but his character wins. I have years to spoke to a guy who is like him.

[rainbowsandroses]

3 hours ago, Kwnantia said:

Sometimes in the music band he distances himself from the others and sits alone. If he talks, I see him preparing what to say before he speak

He told me six months ago that his only hobby is playing videogames all day and going to the gym. I told him that all day playing is too much but in a funny way. Its a difficult task with him because of his shyness. I'm shy too but not this much.

Are you sure it's just shyness?  From what you've described above and in all your posts, it's sounds like his issues go deeper like perhaps social anxiety/fear or severe introversion.

I'm not a doctor so I'm speculating of course but I would I would be very careful about attaching characteristics to him like...

1 hour ago, Kwnantia said:

He seems like the type of guy that when he will fall in love, he will be loyal and respectful to his girl. His appearance is nice too but his character wins. I have years to spoke to a guy who is like him.

In truth, you know nothing about him or his character, you've never even talked to him! 

Whatever you're imagining him to be is a fantasy version of him based on what you hope him to be.  

I'm not judging you for it, we've all done it, including myself. 

I would encourage you to take him down from the pedestal and start thinking realistically. 

Whether it's shyness, social anxiety, severe introversion or he's simply not interested in you, he has made no move or effort to even talk to you.  Shy people are at least able to converse with people and have friends.  

Chances of whatever you're imagining might happen of actually happening are virtually zero, imo.  I'm sorry. 

 

[smackie9]

With shy guys like him you are going to have to be the one to wear the pants in this pursuit. 

[kim42]

If he's this shy, you'll have to be the one that pursues him and asks him out. I know many women who don't mind being in this position, I don't know how you feel about this but if you like him, just ask him out, worst case he says no.

[Batya33]

54 minutes ago, kim42 said:

If he's this shy, you'll have to be the one that pursues him and asks him out. I know many women who don't mind being in this position, I don't know how you feel about this but if you like him, just ask him out, worst case he says no.

My husband was extremely shy in his late 20s the first time we dated.  He wanted badly to date me so his friends helped him boost his courage -gave him a pep talk and he asked me out for every date.  The first time he called me his name came up on my office phone and I didn't even know why he'd be calling -we met 3 times at work events over the past 9 months -even though I was hesitant in tone he forged ahead.  Even very shy men if they are really into a lady will make the effort especially if the woman shows interest which you have. If they are also single and emotionally available to date.  Back then I showed some interest at the work events.  I never would have asked him out or been the one doing most of the asking out. 

[boltnrun]

My husband and I would never have gotten together if I hadn't made the first move. He liked me a LOT but thought I wouldn't be interested in a quiet guy like him. I was. So, I tell people, after we'd spent time together having meals and just talking in the hallway for a few weeks (we lived in the same dorm) I "jumped on" him. I basically cuddled him and then sat with my legs around him (from the back, not crotch to crotch lol) and then kissed him. We were together as a couple after that. 

[Batya33]

39 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

My husband and I would never have gotten together if I hadn't made the first move. He liked me a LOT but thought I wouldn't be interested in a quiet guy like him. I was. So, I tell people, after we'd spent time together having meals and just talking in the hallway for a few weeks (we lived in the same dorm) I "jumped on" him. I basically cuddled him and then sat with my legs around him (from the back, not crotch to crotch lol) and then kissed him. We were together as a couple after that. 

Because mine was a work situation w sort of first move never would have happened by either of us. I did used to ask men to dance and start conversations and flirt. And I let them do the asking out although I was fine asking a man out- when I dated it wasn’t a good way to find a potentially long term relationship 

[boltnrun]

I could see that when someone is meeting and dating various men it would be a completely different situation. I have never dated so I don't have that experience. But I can agree that manhandling a guy is a bad idea unless there has been a VERY solid foundation laid first.

My point was, sometimes it's OK to suggest coffee first rather than waiting for the man to do so. 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I could see that when someone is meeting and dating various men it would be a completely different situation. I have never dated so I don't have that experience. But I can agree that manhandling a guy is a bad idea unless there has been a VERY solid foundation laid first.

My point was, sometimes it's OK to suggest coffee first rather than waiting for the man to do so. 

Of course! Depends on circumstances and goals. When I was dating in order to find a husband it was not a good strategy- especially since I wasn’t a person who wanted to be the main pursuer as far as asking out and planning most of the dates. I wasn’t attracted to men who behaved that way.