Felt left out because my BF was talking to his ex a lot last night

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, Lex00 said:

I actually did try to chime in several times, and it would flow well until the subject steered to the past, when the guys had an apartment together, funny things that occurred, etc. and I would laugh, just try to partake. Also they started talking about the recent disasters but that was clearly them two standing across from each other having a 1 on 1 while I was standing there too, just listening and feeling like an idiot because usually others would glance at those around you to make you feel included. I didn’t get that. Same with later when we were all on the couch and my boyfriend pretty much was turned towards her with his side/back towards me.

I totally get it. It’s why in that sort of situation I either change the topic or ask the new person “so did you have crazy roommates at college?” Or something to draw the other person in. My husband meets up with old friends to catch up and sometimes it is one on one or a few guys who knew each other and my being there wouldn’t be good for anyone. 
I also don’t like how physically close they were and how she followed him around. He should have had better boundaries. 

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

The question now becomes, were you/are you insecure in general and that's why you felt upset seeing them talk? 

Or do you consider yourself to be a secure person but seeing them talk specifically made you feel insecure?  

What was it about her that made you feel insecure?  Is she younger than you?  More attractive than you (in your estimation)?  Or the fact she's an ex? 

Do you know where the insecurity stems from?  

I would explore that otherwise this is bound to happen again at another party or event where he's chatting with other people (women) and not giving you the attention you seem to need.  Sorry if that sounds negative I don't mean it to be.

He acted rudely with his back towards her for that amount of time in that situation.  She doesn’t need help. He needs a manners refresher course. 

[rainbowsandroses]

10 hours ago, Lex00 said:

No, I knew he would. Sorry I guess I have problems wording things correctly sometimes. We have a great relationship aside from this incident that made me feel the way I do. He’s good to me but maybe the way he handled last night was exactly ideal.

Hi Lex, given how you feel, what are you going to do?  Will you talk with him about it?   

Does he know you were hurt and bothered by his actions that night? 

 

 

 

[Starlight925]

Just wanted to chime in to validate your feelings.

It was rude all the way around.

The way she seemed to keep popping up everywhere he was, and the way he physically turned his back to you, leaving you out of conversation?  Rude, rude, rude.

Maybe her guy felt the same way, maybe he didn't.  Doesn't matter.  What matters to us is how you felt, and I'd have felt the same way.

There's a calm, clear way to bring this up to him.  He may be like...um, huh?  Me hab no idea.  😅

But whatever his reaction might be, you do need to bring this up to him and let him know how you feel.

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

He acted rudely with his back towards her for that amount of time in that situation.  She doesn’t need help. He needs a manners refresher course. 

Thank you for your opinion but my post and question was addressed to the OP, Lex, in response to her post stating that she let her insecurity get the best of her that night. 

 

[Batya33]

19 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Thank you for your opinion but my post and question was addressed to the OP, Lex, in response to her post stating that she let her insecurity get the best of her that night. 

 

Yes and I disagree with your opinion that she should look deeper into her own insecurities in this particular situation.  And I took it differently -she's wondering "it is me??? am I too insecure??"  Um no. It's him, he acted in a boorish rude way to his girlfriend and hopefully he'll apologize, promise to do better and do better. I'd hate for her to blame herself in this situation. If I were her I'd have left the party.  Thanks so much for your explanation and clarification - very helpful!

[boltnrun]

If this is the right relationship your boyfriend will apologize profusely and vow to never behave this way again. If it's not,  he will minimize, deflect and dismiss your feelings.

I hope it's the former. 

[rainbowsandroses]

Lex, reading all the responses, I'm trying to see both sides, and putting myself in that same situation.

And honestly, had they been flirting or otherwise getting ''cozy" with each other in an obvious way, I might have excused myself and left too as @Batya33stated she would have.

But I keep going back to one of your early posts:

17 hours ago, Lex00 said:

We have a great relationship otherwise. Just celebrated our 5 years. Our families are intermeshed, he’s really never given me a reason in the past to feel like he would be unfaithful. Just last night rubbed me the wrong way. I tried to make excuses in my head, that perhaps he felt like he needed to keep talking to her since she was asking a lot of questions and telling him a bunch of updates about life in general. And he had to listen. And maybe thought since I was right next to him, that he was “present”. I don’t know. They did include me a few times but for the most part it was them two. And other times it was with his guy friends. I think it just stood out more because she is a woman and his ex, so I was more aware. Her husband seemed pretty unfazed though.

Reading this, I'm envisioning something entirely different from him being the "bad guy" who intentionally ignored you and got cozy with an ex.

She was his old friend from high school who happened to be a woman and someone he'd gone out with back then.  And they were catching up as old friends from high school tend to do after many years.  

Right or wrong that is how I personally see this. 

You admit yourself you were more aware of it because she is a woman and an ex.  And that HER husband seemed unphased. 

Again, you're entitled to your feelings and they're not "wrong," feelings never are, they just "are".

Just something to consider as you work through your feelings about this.

 

 

[Batya33]

It may have been clueless and thoughtless as opposed to intentional. I hope the only feelings she examines is her own if he doesn’t step up and apologize and show her through actions that he will do better. I hope she stop’s questioning herself. I don’t care if he wasn’t flirting.
 

He treated her with disrespect and rudely at a party he invited her and her daughter too. He didn’t observe appropriate social boundaries with this ex of his who glommed on to him instead enabling it and literally turning his back on her. Ick 

[LootieTootie]

Not to give any excuses, but was your boyfriend drinking a lot at the birthday party? Because I agree, he was neglecting you and he was allowing his ex-gf to monopolize his time and effort at the party. And since you say he is great otherwise, but this one event he made you question your relationship - I might say maybe this was impaired judgment cause by alcohol? 

Just from my experience, these kids birthday parties always turn in to adult parties. Not sure how it is with most people, but my dad's side of the family would do these kids birthday parties and then it turns into an adult party because the adults start getting tipsy with the wine and the beer. They start having good time reminiscing and laughing with more drinks. Then they only care about how they're feeling and don't care about the kids, or how they're acting infront of others. Maybe thats what happened to your bf. No excuses still. 

Have you talked to him about this? I didnt read every post but I wondered if you have let him know how you were feeling that day.

 

[rainbowsandroses]

5 minutes ago, LootieTootie said:

Have you talked to him about this? I didnt read every post but I wondered if you have let him know how you were feeling that day.

I agree with this and asked earlier if you planned to talk to him. 

I think you should and no matter what he thinks of his own actions, he should acknowledge that you were hurt/bothered by it and yes apologize for doing so (i.e validate your feelings).

[Batya33]

30 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I agree with this and asked earlier if you planned to talk to him. 

I think you should and no matter what he thinks of his own actions, he should acknowledge that you were hurt/bothered by it and yes apologize for doing so (i.e validate your feelings).

I agree. I think unless he sees why his behavior was unacceptable they have a much larger issue. I think the purpose should be his self reflection. And determination to do better. Validating her feelings will be part of the benefit of him making changes. 

[Coily]

As a guy, I would be absolutely floored by this critique. From my perspective, I would have in my mind done all the right things. Introduced you to my friends, tried to include you, and showed you how happy I was to be with you at the end of the night.

To be told my body language (back turned) or that catching up with an old friend, would be the source of such troubles in the relationship would be flummoxing. Possibly to the point of being hesitant to extend an invite in future, just in case I "did the wrong thing." While I wouldn't want to cause discontent, I would feel that everything is under scrutiny when acting above board the entire time.

 

I think the best path forward is just mentioning that you felt a bit left out of the party.

[Batya33]

16 minutes ago, Coily said:

As a guy, I would be absolutely floored by this critique. From my perspective, I would have in my mind done all the right things. Introduced you to my friends, tried to include you, and showed you how happy I was to be with you at the end of the night.

To be told my body language (back turned) or that catching up with an old friend, would be the source of such troubles in the relationship would be flummoxing. Possibly to the point of being hesitant to extend an invite in future, just in case I "did the wrong thing." While I wouldn't want to cause discontent, I would feel that everything is under scrutiny when acting above board the entire time.

 

I think the best path forward is just mentioning that you felt a bit left out of the party.

To me it was cumulative- amount of time / excluding her/not distancing himself when the ex kept following him around etc. 

[rainbowsandroses]

43 minutes ago, Coily said:

To be told my body language (back turned) or that catching up with an old friend, would be the source of such troubles in the relationship would be flummoxing.

Flummoxing - great word!  Haven't heard it in awhile.

Anyway appreciate your chiming in @Coily as a male poster on the forum and seeing it from a man's perspective.  Well, at least your perspective as a man. 

Lex, I keep going back to your words that you were more aware because she was a woman and an ex.

I take this to mean that had it been another man he was talking to and catching up with, same body language, etc. your reaction and feelings would be different?

This question is for the OP.

Edited to add:  @Lex I just read your initial post again and didn't read where you said she was following him around.  Perhaps that was your perception based on that she was constsantly around him and they kept talking and catching up?

Honestly it's so hard to get an accurate read on it since none of us were there and your reaction could possibly be based on a number of issues at play other than he behaved inappropriately.

OR, perhaps we're missing some context and he was behaving inappropriately.  Again, hard to know for certain.  Perception is everything or much of it. 

In any event, these are your feelings and encourage you to talk with him about it. 

Good luck! 

 

[Coily]

26 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

To me it was cumulative- amount of time / excluding her/not distancing himself when the ex kept following him around etc. 

From my reading, the OP was excluding herself. Maybe I'm used to more socially assertive women, who will happily engage strangers in conversation. My experience.

[Lex00]

Hi everyone- My boyfriend ended up calling me last night, after he and his kids left my home. There was nothing out of the ordinary in our conversation and we were talking about the usual things, or plans for tonight, etc. We talked briefly about the party and I decided against telling him exactly how I felt as I did not want to come across as accusatory, especially when it was likely unintentional on his part. Like I mentioned, he handled it poorly though.

What I did tell him was that I felt a bit awkward going in there as an outsider essentially and not having much in common to discuss with the group. As other posters have asked, my the time we arrived, most guests had already left. The only adults who were there was the couple who threw the party for their son, the grandpa, the ex and her husband, and me and my BF. I tried to talk to the hosts but of course, they were busy and even the dad went in a run to the store. Yes, it seemed like all were a bit tipsy to some degree, including my BF.

When I mentioned I felt uncomfortable, he told me he was still happy I came by with my kids. He also said that he mentioned to the group that his original plans were to stay at the party just for a couple of hours because he and his kids had plans to come to my house. He said that’s when the group suggested he invite me. His response to them was that he was sensitive to me being thrown into a party as a very first meeting and wanted to get together with them in a more intimate setting. And their response was, “we never get to see each other and get together only once a year or so, so the way this is going, we’re never going to be able to meet her!” So apparently it wasn’t even his idea to invite me. 

It was when I called him to get an update on when they expect to be at my house as I was planning to order dinner for everyone. That is when he said, “why don’t you all come here? There are lots of kids, just come join us if you feel ok with it. Let me know!” He told me to think about it. I guess he knew just asking me to meet a group for the first time in that setting might me overwhelming. He sent me the address and my kids were excited to meet other kids and see his kids, so we went.

Ive just been in my head about it but trying to be rational. I guess given the small number of adults there, there weren’t many options so to speak, so they all just had each other and all had something in common. Apparently my BF went back even further with the host of the party- the dad as they had known each other since elementary school. 

I also want to mention that during our conversation I wrote about above, I did thank him and told him my kids loved playing with the others. They did, and were bummed when we were leaving. My BF said he was glad to hear that and also told me that he was included in a group text, sent by the mom who threw the party and said they plan to get together sooner and have a party for another kid in Nov. Not sure if he randomly mentioned that in passing or if it meant that perhaps he may invite us again to that next one. If that’s the case, I may tell him I’d like him to not close me off when having conversations, but that’s if we’re invited again. We will see.

[rainbowsandroses]

Thanks for the update Lex.

I had a feeling that it was the group including his ex who encouraged him to invite you.  Just a sense I had.  And that he was sensitive to your possibly feeling uncomfortable.

Which imo was very nice of them AND him.  His sensitivity to that. 

They wanted to meet you, and as you said were all very welcoming including the ex, who also gave you a welcoming hug.

That said, I'm glad you spoke up in a way you were comfortable with and got it resolved.  For the most part.

All the best moving forward from here!  

 

[Batya33]

I understand- your choice to keep it to yourself but then I’d focus on moving on from it and not bring up “old news” in the future. I thought you said your daughter also felt he was being rude. And I’m glad she had fun. 

[LootieTootie]

Agree with Batya. 

Not sure how long you've been with your bf, but it's important that you feel comfortable expressing yourself to him even if you think you might come off irrational or jealous. Of course theres always a time and place, and this phone call might have been the time to just say "hey I felt awkward because I think your ex-gf kept following you and monopolizing your time. If I'm seeing it wrong, I will own it. But do you think next time, just next time, maybe you can make more of an effort to include me because it's not like me to keep butting in when you two seem to be having deep talks about the past?"

Couples fight, but strong couples work thru it and find solutions or some sort of middle-ground. 

 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Lex00 said:

When I mentioned I felt uncomfortable, he told me he was still happy I came by with my kids.  he was sensitive to me being thrown into a party as a very first meeting and wanted to get together with them in a more intimate setting. 

It's great you spoke about it. He seems somewhat aware of your social anxiety especially meeting a bunch of his people at once. 

It's good you didn't make accusations about him flirting or being inappropriate because it doesn't seem like he was doing that.

However standing around at a party where everyone knows everyone from back in the day can be unnerving.

He also mentioned he knows the entire family since he was a kid so it's unclear why there was excessive focus on this highschool "ex" from 100 years ago. And there's no reason to get jealous because your BF seems to care about you and invited you.

Actually it seems more like he's trying to integrate you more into his life. It's good your kids enjoyed themselves and you met more of his people.

As far as chatting with people he hasn't seen in ages, try to relax and look at the larger picture.

Her husband is a good example of how to not get stressed over a minor faux pas, since turning to speak to others is what upset you.

[Tinydance]

5 hours ago, Lex00 said:

Hi everyone- My boyfriend ended up calling me last night, after he and his kids left my home. There was nothing out of the ordinary in our conversation and we were talking about the usual things, or plans for tonight, etc. We talked briefly about the party and I decided against telling him exactly how I felt as I did not want to come across as accusatory, especially when it was likely unintentional on his part. Like I mentioned, he handled it poorly though.

What I did tell him was that I felt a bit awkward going in there as an outsider essentially and not having much in common to discuss with the group. As other posters have asked, my the time we arrived, most guests had already left. The only adults who were there was the couple who threw the party for their son, the grandpa, the ex and her husband, and me and my BF. I tried to talk to the hosts but of course, they were busy and even the dad went in a run to the store. Yes, it seemed like all were a bit tipsy to some degree, including my BF.

When I mentioned I felt uncomfortable, he told me he was still happy I came by with my kids. He also said that he mentioned to the group that his original plans were to stay at the party just for a couple of hours because he and his kids had plans to come to my house. He said that’s when the group suggested he invite me. His response to them was that he was sensitive to me being thrown into a party as a very first meeting and wanted to get together with them in a more intimate setting. And their response was, “we never get to see each other and get together only once a year or so, so the way this is going, we’re never going to be able to meet her!” So apparently it wasn’t even his idea to invite me. 

It was when I called him to get an update on when they expect to be at my house as I was planning to order dinner for everyone. That is when he said, “why don’t you all come here? There are lots of kids, just come join us if you feel ok with it. Let me know!” He told me to think about it. I guess he knew just asking me to meet a group for the first time in that setting might me overwhelming. He sent me the address and my kids were excited to meet other kids and see his kids, so we went.

Ive just been in my head about it but trying to be rational. I guess given the small number of adults there, there weren’t many options so to speak, so they all just had each other and all had something in common. Apparently my BF went back even further with the host of the party- the dad as they had known each other since elementary school. 

I also want to mention that during our conversation I wrote about above, I did thank him and told him my kids loved playing with the others. They did, and were bummed when we were leaving. My BF said he was glad to hear that and also told me that he was included in a group text, sent by the mom who threw the party and said they plan to get together sooner and have a party for another kid in Nov. Not sure if he randomly mentioned that in passing or if it meant that perhaps he may invite us again to that next one. If that’s the case, I may tell him I’d like him to not close me off when having conversations, but that’s if we’re invited again. We will see.

I think it's totally fine to let him know how you felt. I think nothing needs to be accusatory necessarily because it's just about what tone you're using. Like, you could simply say: "That was a nice party but I must admit I did feel a but left out. Especially when you were talking to your ex a lot because you guys go way back and I didn't have much to contribute about school etc." Which it actually sounds like that's basically what you said.

I personally don't think he's "chummy with his ex" or that she's "in his life" as such. He doesn't actually really talk to her or see her on his own, right? He has a group of friends from school and she's in that group. That's why she was invited to the party. She greeted you in a friendly way and gave you a hug.

Your boyfriend and her didn't go somewhere in the house just the two of them, right? You were all mingling together with his friends or her husband too? I think this really got blown out of proportion. It's a big jump to say that she's in his life or he's keeping in touch with the ex. Really the extent of the keeping in touch is probably seeing her at occasional group events. I don't think he's expected to just totally cut her off and block on all social media and so on. I think it's not necessary because if they run into each other, they can be friendly, then go separate ways.

I don't think just because you saw your ex at a group event and acted friendly and not avoiding that anything is actually going on. Honestly this woman is from so long ago that if anything he'd be more likely to have feelings for his actual ex wife. Not saying he does of course!

[tattoobunnie]

Sometimes you aren't always going to be the center of attention.  Sometimes you need to make small talk with different people that aren't hanging with your boyfriend.  Sometimes, you need to learn the art of doom-scrolling on your phone to fill in gaps.  Sorry, you don't have an old crew you can't catch up.  In 5 years you've been with him, is there a reason why you cannot handle him catching up with old friends for one night?  It says a lot about your securities; not his ex who's married with kids to a man who was there.

I get it; you got jealous.  But, they did include you regularly.  It's impossible for a group to make you the center of attention all the time, especially when you aren't making the effort to get to know them.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, tattoobunnie said:

Sometimes you aren't always going to be the center of attention.  Sometimes you need to make small talk with different people that aren't hanging with your boyfriend.  Sometimes, you need to learn the art of doom-scrolling on your phone to fill in gaps.  Sorry, you don't have an old crew you can't catch up.  In 5 years you've been with him, is there a reason why you cannot handle him catching up with old friends for one night?  It says a lot about your securities; not his ex who's married with kids to a man who was there.

I get it; you got jealous.  But, they did include you regularly.  It's impossible for a group to make you the center of attention all the time, especially when you aren't making the effort to get to know them.

I agree with you.  This situation to me was different.  She wasn't seeking to be the center of anything.  Even her daughter observed how extreme this was.  And doom scrolling can be seen as rude.  

 

[rainbowsandroses]

At the end of the day, it's a matter of perspective.  Some posters believe he was rude, others think she overreacted.  There's no wrong or right, simply different opinions based at least in part on our own experiences and our own personal natures.

Me?  I think she overreacted.

I mean Lex herself admitted it was her insecurities (see below quote from her initial post), and I for one respect that.  She knows her own insecurities and what triggers them better than anyone.  

On 9/24/2023 at 3:40 PM, Lex00 said:

They were facing each other just talking. No flirting but my insecurities were letting me feel uncomfortable. They were just talking about what was going on with his family, kids, school life, etc. All while I was sitting there for 30-45 minutes not being acknowledged because they were so busy catching up. 

Yes, they were busy catching up as old friends tend to do.  As others have said, at a party or social event, you won't always be 'acknowledged' at every moment.  To his credit, he did make effort occasionally to do so, including you in the conversation, introducing you. Showing physical affection at times. 

I for one don't always need to be acknowledged when my boyfriend or husband was/is engaging with others at a party or another type of social event. 

I'm a big girl, I can hold my own. Even if it's simply sitting/standing there beside him listening!  And chiming in occaionally with a "that's funny" or "that sounded like fun"!  Or whatever.  Especially when they're old friends of his. 

Maybe try being more social yourself instead of sitting there feeling left out?  

That was on you imo.  It's a social event and that's what he was doing -  socializing. 

As I suggested earlier, explore, where your insecurities stem from otherwise the same thing could happen again at another social event wherein he is socializing with others including possibly women and not acknowledging you at every moment. 

That said, I'm glad you talked and cleared the air.  He sounds like a great guy and you have a great relationship.  

I would hate for this to be the hill it dies on.

JMO.