Felt left out because my BF was talking to his ex a lot last night

[Lex00]

It’s been a while since I’ve visited this forum… I was hoping that sleeping on it would make me realize I’m being unhealthy or ridiculous but honestly, I’m still having a tough time so I wanted to get some thoughts on this situation.

I am older so I feel silly entertaining these thoughts. I’m 46, BF is 40. We’ve been together 5 years, both previously married with two kids each close to the same age. Boyfriend had these friends way back from high school who invited him to their kid’s 10th birthday last night. He’s kept in contact with them but doesn’t really see them often so he was going to attend with his kids then stop by my place afterwards since I don’t live too far from them.

They didn’t get there until a bit later than anticipated so he called me and invited me and my kids over. Now it was a bit odd because I had never met them nor did I think they ever knew about me (unsure about that though). My kids and I ended up going and it was just awkward from the get go.

Apparently he told the wife (mom of the kid having a birthday), that his girlfriend and kids were coming, so when we arrived, everyone was welcoming. He introduced me to everyone as his girlfriend, introduced my kids, etc. Fast forward to close to 20 mins or so after we arrived. Mind you, my BF was standing by the counter talking to his friends and I stood there but wasn’t included in the conversation so I excused myself to sit with my kids. He called my name, I turned around and there was a girl he introduced me to and I stood up, she was very nice and gave me a hug. I remembered the name from when he mentioned one of his exes in passing. It was her. I don’t think he knew that I remembered. She was there with her husband and two kids (9 and 7 year olds).

All night she was talking to him. Apparently they all went to high school together, including her now husband. I started feeling uncomfortable because it seemed everywhere he was, she was there. There was a point before we left, that we were all on the couch- me, my BF, her and her husband. Husband at the end, then her, and my boyfriend and me at the end. They were facing each other just talking. No flirting but my insecurities were letting me feel uncomfortable. They were just talking about what was going on with his family, kids, school life, etc. All while I was sitting there for 30-45 minutes not being acknowledged because they were so busy catching up. They maybe included me in a couple of subjects but it was short lived. Even my daughter was there and brought it up to me this morning that it was “rude”.

I get they were just catching up and this relationship was at least 13 years ago- I’m guessing 13 years minimum because of her kids’ ages and his. BFs oldest is 13. He married the mom (his ex wife) back in 2010 so she was sometime before that. 

I just didn’t like how they seemed like they couldn’t part. The guys would stand in a group and she would be there next to my BF. We sat on the couch and she sat by my BF, between him and her husband. And they just talked. Like I said, I was right next to him and heard the full conversation and it was completely innocent. Prior to that, he did call me up to the counter a few times to have a drink with the group. I would stand there and try to converse with everyone but most of the time, the group’s conversation would steer to them talking about the past, high school, etc. something I wasn’t a part of. So he did try to get me involved a few times but I would say the majority of the time, I was left out.

He and his kids ended up coming home with us after the party. I knew he was drinking and I drove us all to my place and he acted like there was nothing wrong and actually back to his more affectionate self when we were starting to head to bed. He showed some affection at the party, arm around my waist, held my hand a couple of times, etc. I don’t expect it thought because we were at a party. I just wanted to reiterate he wasn’t ignoring me completely. The other girl was also quite affectionate with her husband when she wasn’t talking to my boyfriend.

I guess I just need reassurance that I’m reading too much into it and perhaps me not knowing anyone there being the outsider heightened my anxiety and insecurities. I’m too old to be having this mentality. Would you all feel a bit neglected too if this happened?

[Batya33]

I am very lenient about these sorts of things and yes I think both of them acted inappropriately - it was too much, too close and you being there meant they should not have had that long a conversation without including you or filling you in.  

[Wiseman2]

17 minutes ago, Lex00 said:

it was a bit odd because I had never met them nor did I think they ever knew about me (unsure about that though).  

It seems awkward, especially that you never met them before. It seems like a bunch of friends from back in the day and their kids are all friends.  How solid is your relationship?

[Batya33]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

It seems awkward, especially that you never them before. It seems like a bunch of friends from back in the day and their kids are all friends. 

Yes but he invited her.  Therefore since she doesn't know anyone he has a responsibility to make sure she is included and to make that a priority and if others excluded her to either talk to her himself or leave if appropriate.

[Lex00]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems awkward, especially that you never met them before. It seems like a bunch of friends from back in the day and their kids are all friends.  How solid is your relationship?

We have a great relationship otherwise. Just celebrated our 5 years. Our families are intermeshed, he’s really never given me a reason in the past to feel like he would be unfaithful. Just last night rubbed me the wrong way. I tried to make excuses in my head, that perhaps he felt like he needed to keep talking to her since she was asking a lot of questions and telling him a bunch of updates about life in general. And he had to listen. And maybe thought since I was right next to him, that he was “present”. I don’t know. They did include me a few times but for the most part it was them two. And other times it was with his guy friends. I think it just stood out more because she is a woman and his ex, so I was more aware. Her husband seemed pretty unfazed though.

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Lex00 said:

. Her husband seemed pretty unfazed though.

This is how you should feel. It's a kid's party with spouses and children present, they weren't flirting or being inappropriate whatsoever. You were right next to him most of the time.

However if you resent only being invited last minute so you can be his chauffeur because he plans to drink too much, that's definitely a reason for concern. 

As far as mingling with others there, isn't that what parties are for? 

[shouldhavelearned]

Tough with that many ex partners in the same room 

[Tinydance]

Well I think it wouldn't bother me personally. Sometimes people will speak to someone because they're "part of the group". It sounds like that ex is a part of his group of school friends and that's why they were both there. From the sounds of it he doesn't normally hang out with this ex, right? You said you didn't really care that he was talking to the guy friends so obviously this jealousy is just because it's a woman? Also she was an ex from a very long time ago. After her he had another partner/wife who is the mother of his children. So sounds like that other woman really is from a very distant past. She is also not single and has a husband and two kids. The husband probably didn't mind because he's not possessive and doesn't think his wife should never speak to males. If you're at a party you can't just avoid speaking to particular people just because they're of a certain gender.

I agree that your partner should include you in conversations with his friends. But it's not 100% only his job. It's also your job to be talking to his friends as well. It sounds like you and the woman's husband were sitting next to them so maybe they thought you were being included and were free to join the conversation. You also said the ex acted friendly towards you and gave you a hug. To me it doesn't actually seem like anyone did anything wrong.

[Batya33]

It just sounds from the description that they were a bit too cozy and familiar in the circumstances. Whenever I talk to someone’s husband and the wife is there I make sure to keep steady eye contact with the wife even if the topic isn’t something relevant to her at that moment. And I make sure to switch topics to one she can participate in. Meaning - I am friends with the husband first and don’t know the wife well and or am meeting for the first time.  I was in that situation last month. Sitting around a table at lunch. The wife was very nice but quiet. I’d met the husband a few times years ago. So we were talking about his and my husband’s friendship - fun stories.
 

But I was also very aware of making sure the wife and I spoke separately and that she was included. I feel that’s required in social situations like that involving a married person of the opposite gender. My husband was sitting way at the other end of the table with our son and talking to others. 

[rainbowsandroses]

I'm envisioning myself in this scenario as you posted it and honestly I don't think it would have bothered me.

The difference being, I would have included myself in the conversation at the appropriate time versus waiting for him to read my mind that I needed him to include me due to my feelings of insecurity or jealousy.

Especially when everything between us was good.  He introduced you as his girlfriend and showed physical affection towards you at times.

There was no flirting, nothing indicating there was anything beyond two people reminiscing about high school and some catching up.

Just me, but I wouldn't want my  boyfriend feeling he couldn't talk to whomever he wanted to talk to for fear it would upset me.  Even an ex who made a point to hug you and make you feel welcome. 

I don't mean to sound harsh, but you're a grown woman with a voice right?   Is there any particular reason why, since you were standing right there part of the group, you couldn't have chimed in at the appropriate time? 

Why did you need your boyfriend to make a point to include you?  My guess is he was completely unaware you needed him to and that you felt insecure and jealous. 

Just my take based on what you posted.  

[catfeeder]

You're entitled to feel how you feel. I guess I'd try to consider this lousy night in the larger scheme of the overall relationship.

How likely would it be that a repeat of this outing would occur again? 

[Lex00]

I actually did try to chime in several times, and it would flow well until the subject steered to the past, when the guys had an apartment together, funny things that occurred, etc. and I would laugh, just try to partake. Also they started talking about the recent disasters but that was clearly them two standing across from each other having a 1 on 1 while I was standing there too, just listening and feeling like an idiot because usually others would glance at those around you to make you feel included. I didn’t get that. Same with later when we were all on the couch and my boyfriend pretty much was turned towards her with his side/back towards me.

[boltnrun]

Do you fear he still has feelings for her?

How frequently does he spend time in a group that includes this ex?

[rainbowsandroses]

30 minutes ago, Lex00 said:

I actually did try to chime in several times, and it would flow well until the subject steered to the past, when the guys had an apartment together, funny things that occurred, etc. and I would laugh, just try to partake. Also they started talking about the recent disasters but that was clearly them two standing across from each other having a 1 on 1 while I was standing there too, just listening and feeling like an idiot because usually others would glance at those around you to make you feel included. I didn’t get that. Same with later when we were all on the couch and my boyfriend pretty much was turned towards her with his side/back towards me.

IDK Lex, as catfeeder said you're entitled to your feelings but perhaps you could try seeing it from a different angle?

Again, these were friends from high school and he invited you because he wanted you to meet them.  That's a positive! 

Granted, you had nothing in common with these people and were bored at times standing there.  I may have been too but I wouldn't hold it against him that he was having a great time catching up with old friends and I was bored. 

As far as the ex, she was a high school girlfriend?  That wouldn't have bothered me, they were kids back then, it was eons ago, she's married with kids of her own, and he's been with you for five years. 

And again she made a point to hug you and make you feel welcome, another positive!

That said, since you do feel hurt and resentful somehow you're going to have to work through those feelings, let them go, otherwise they have the potential to damage what sounds like a great thing you've got going with your boyfriend.

 

 

 

[Lex00]

33 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Do you fear he still has feelings for her?

How frequently does he spend time in a group that includes this ex?

I don’t fear it, but it did make me feel uncomfortable and left out when they were essentially conversing one on one with my BF’s back pretty much towards me. I felt insecure at the attention they were giving each other. As far as I know, it’s only once a year, when the mutual friends throw a birthday for their son. They did it last year too, and from what I gather, they skipped two years prior due to the lockdown.

[Lex00]

21 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

IDK Lex, as catfeeder said you're entitled to your feelings but perhaps you could try seeing it from a different angle?

Again, these were friends from high school and he invited you because he wanted you to meet them.  That's a positive! 

Granted, you had nothing in common with these people and were bored at times standing there.  I may have been too but I wouldn't hold it against him that he was having a great time catching up with old friends and I was bored. 

As far as the ex, she was a high school girlfriend?  That wouldn't have bothered me, they were kids back then, it was eons ago, she's married with kids of her own, and he's been with you for five years. 

And again she made a point to hug you and make you feel welcome, another positive!

That said, since you do feel hurt and resentful somehow you're going to have to work through those feelings, let them go, otherwise they have the potential to damage what sounds like a great thing you've got going with your boyfriend.

 

 

 

Thank you so much. I’m starting to see it fro. That perspective now. I am not sure if they dated way back in high school. I know they all knew each other then, could have been dating after high school though or early 20s? Just a guess. Nonetheless, I know I should allow it to affect me the way it did. My insecurities got the best of me and I think it felt bad knowing they were spending a lot of one on one time together, granted I was there too, and the husband a lot of the time. I also didn’t like when my boyfriend had his side/back towards me basically shutting me out. I see now that he just had to, given someone sitting on the other side was talking to him. So likely unintentional but I wish he could’ve put in a little more effort to make me not feel so invisible.

[boltnrun]

How about when he talked to the men there, did you feel uncomfortable and left out?  Did he ever turn away from you to talk to any of them or did he face you the entire time?

[rainbowsandroses]

39 minutes ago, Lex00 said:

My insecurities got the best of me and I think it felt bad knowing they were spending a lot of one on one time together,

The question now becomes, were you/are you insecure in general and that's why you felt upset seeing them talk? 

Or do you consider yourself to be a secure person but seeing them talk specifically made you feel insecure?  

What was it about her that made you feel insecure?  Is she younger than you?  More attractive than you (in your estimation)?  Or the fact she's an ex? 

Do you know where the insecurity stems from?  

I would explore that otherwise this is bound to happen again at another party or event where he's chatting with other people (women) and not giving you the attention you seem to need.  Sorry if that sounds negative I don't mean it to be.

[Tinydance]

I'm actually a bit confused why you felt insecure about this ex from 13 years ago...But you don't feel insecure about your partner's more recent ex, his children's mother? Doesn't he actually communicate with her on a regular basis to co-parent their children? Also in hindsight wasn't he more serious about his children's mother if he actually had two children with her? I just find your perspective a bit unusual that's all.

[lovergal]

i feel like there are other issues in your relationship... you didnt know he was gonna introduce you as his gf after 5 years? lol what????

[Lex00]

7 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

I'm actually a bit confused why you felt insecure about this ex from 13 years ago...But you don't feel insecure about your partner's more recent ex, his children's mother? Doesn't he actually communicate with her on a regular basis to co-parent their children? Also in hindsight wasn't he more serious about his children's mother if he actually had two children with her? I just find your perspective a bit unusual that's all.

That’s a good point to bring up. I was invited to his son’s football game and his ex wife was there of course, to watch their son. Her husband was there too, similar to last night’s set up. My boyfriend and the ex wife barely spoke during the whole game. She sat in the seats in front of us with her husband. By no means do they have a bad relationship, they actually do-parent very well.

Last night on the other hand was different. Ex girlfriend was pretty much everywhere he was. And they talked A LOT. It seemed like everywhere he was, she was there either standing with others, I would be there sometimes too, or them just having a one on one. Not appropriate of course but it just seemed like a lot to me.

[Lex00]

6 minutes ago, lovergal said:

i feel like there are other issues in your relationship... you didnt know he was gonna introduce you as his gf after 5 years? lol what????

No, I knew he would. Sorry I guess I have problems wording things correctly sometimes. We have a great relationship aside from this incident that made me feel the way I do. He’s good to me but maybe the way he handled last night was exactly ideal.

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

How about when he talked to the men there, did you feel uncomfortable and left out?  Did he ever turn away from you to talk to any of them or did he face you the entire time?

 

[Lex00]

19 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

 

I did feel a little uncomfortable when he was talking to the men because that’s because I didn’t know any of them and was also left out for the most part. But it was just how much he spoke to her that was making me feel the way I did. It felt like there was a bit of a balance when he was talking to one guy, then another, or a group of guys. But it appeared he and the girl had longer conversations and often.

[Kwothe28]

I am not a jealous person by proxy. But even I think having exes in your life and being that close is a red flag. For example, after 5 years and life together, I doubt he would cheat, especially because they both have a family. But being that chummy? Huge red flag and widely innapropriate to you. Yes, he should be paying more attention to you(especially because it was all new to you) and less being chummy with his ex girlfriend. And you should tell him that for future references. And that if he is planning to catch up with his ex, he shouldnt bring you in next time.