A guy...

[nattz4512]

So this guy and I have been living in close proximity for about 2 years. We see each other in passing every now and then and exchange greetings. One day he asks me for my number, and I was very upfront about not wanting a relationship because I'm unfit, and that we can see if we can build a friendship.  

He agreed and we exchanged numbers. 

We spoke via text (not a phone caller type of person) for around a week straight...during that time he asked me to be in a relationship numerous times, in which I declined each time. 

I explained to him that we're strangers who have exchanged greetings a few times, and asked him why he wants to rush.. he never answered that question. 

When we first started communicating via telephone, he told me that he liked me a lot and that he wanted to be there for me and support me in any way that he could.  That he liked talking to me and wanted to continue. 

The last time I told him no, and asked him what's wrong with being friends... was 3 days ago. 

I'm assuming that he got mad and blocked me or is ignoring me..since he never replied.

Was he genuinely interested and just felt defeated  because perhaps he had worked up a lot of gumption to finally ask someone out that he really liked and is now disappointed and deflated? 

Or is he just a desperately eager and lonely person with low self esteem who doesn't know his worth just willing to settle for anyone??

(He did say that he is single, lives alone,  lonely, and has nobody)

Or was he just trying to use me to make someone else jealous enough to come back to him and be with him? 

Perhaps the one who he really wants has somebody now, and he decided to get someone too? Maybe it's a *** for tat thing with them?? Maybe playing games.

Perhaps he saw me as a downtrodden spinster eager desperate and easy to manipulate??

(He did ask me for a picture of myself)

We're those red flags, or did he just genuinely see me as a nice person and wanted to lock in before anyone else did???

I really feel hurt sad  and depressed now.  I really did grow fond of him and developed a crush on him over the years...and I always hoped he would  befriend me...

I am crushed, and keep constantly checking my phone hoping that he'd reach out to me...

Should I ignore him now if I see him in passing,  or just wave and don't stop??

 

[Wiseman2]

29 minutes ago, nattz4512 said:

 . The last time I told him no, and asked him what's wrong with being friends... 

Sorry this happened. You pushed him away pretty hard and it seems he finally got the message. Just go back to being coridal acquaintances since you live near each other.

How old is he? What makes you believe he a had all these nefarious agendas rather than just wanting to date?  You seem clear that you just wanted to be friends, so perhaps he moved on?

[nattz4512]

51 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. You pushed him away pretty hard and it seems he finally got the message. Just go back to being coridal acquaintances since you live near each other.

How old is he? What makes you believe he a had all these nefarious agendas rather than just wanting to date?  You seem clear that you just wanted to be friends, so perhaps he moved on?

 

He asked me to be his girlfriend within the first conversation we had on the phone.  We've just recently learned each other's names.

 

We've never had a conversation prior to this on the streets. "Hi" and "byes" and have a good day.. That's it. 

 

 

He didn't want to take things slow or build a friendship.  We barely know anything about each other.. He told me he's lonely, living alone, single, without anyone....and that he likes me alot ...within the first day. 

 

Asking a stranger to be in a relationship within 2 days of finally conversing isn't strange nor red flags?? 

 

Especially when I told him I only wanted a friendship prior to giving out my number and he agreed...but was asking me to be his girlfriend multiple times even after I said no.

Asking for a picture of me the first day, isn't strange???

 

I really hoped he had liked me and wanted to get to know me and remain friends...but I feel like he just wanted anybody for a relationship title and perhaps hidden agendas...

 

 

He's 43...with 3 grown children..that he had in his 20s or so...

 

Soo maybe he was in a long term relationship with their mom, and perhaps she doesn't want him anymore and has moved on..and he is trying to get her back by trying to use someone to make her jealous...

 

 

 

Maybe he needs a green card or something.  He told me he moved here from Mexico and currently had no plans going back..

 

 

Maybe he wants a play person to fill his time while here, then drop once he goes back. 

 

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, nattz4512 said:

He asked me to be his girlfriend within the first conversation we had on the phone.  .Asking for a picture of me the first day, isn't strange??

He seems a bit creepy, so why not distance yourself?

[Batya33]

Why do you care this much about a man who wanted a relationship with you who you didn't want  a relationship with -for whatever reason? He doesn't want a friendship with you because he's too attracted to you therefore you two can't be friends? Is it just a bruised ego on your part -you liked the attention and flattery?

[shouldhavelearned]

He was rushing to much

Stay away

[Tiddytok5]

On 9/25/2023 at 6:57 AM, nattz4512 said:

So this guy and I have been living in close proximity for about 2 years. We see each other in passing every now and then and exchange greetings. One day he asks me for my number, and I was very upfront about not wanting a relationship because I'm unfit, and that we can see if we can build a friendship.  

He agreed and we exchanged numbers. 

We spoke via text (not a phone caller type of person) for around a week straight...during that time he asked me to be in a relationship numerous times, in which I declined each time. 

I explained to him that we're strangers who have exchanged greetings a few times, and asked him why he wants to rush.. he never answered that question. 

When we first started communicating via telephone, he told me that he liked me a lot and that he wanted to be there for me and support me in any way that he could.  That he liked talking to me and wanted to continue. 

The last time I told him no, and asked him what's wrong with being friends... was 3 days ago. 

I'm assuming that he got mad and blocked me or is ignoring me..since he never replied.

Was he genuinely interested and just felt defeated  because perhaps he had worked up a lot of gumption to finally ask someone out that he really liked and is now disappointed and deflated? 

Or is he just a desperately eager and lonely person with low self esteem who doesn't know his worth just willing to settle for anyone??

(He did say that he is single, lives alone,  lonely, and has nobody)

Or was he just trying to use me to make someone else jealous enough to come back to him and be with him? 

Perhaps the one who he really wants has somebody now, and he decided to get someone too? Maybe it's a *** for tat thing with them?? Maybe playing games.

Perhaps he saw me as a downtrodden spinster eager desperate and easy to manipulate??

(He did ask me for a picture of myself)

We're those red flags, or did he just genuinely see me as a nice person and wanted to lock in before anyone else did???

I really feel hurt sad  and depressed now.  I really did grow fond of him and developed a crush on him over the years...and I always hoped he would  befriend me...

I am crushed, and keep constantly checking my phone hoping that he'd reach out to me...

Should I ignore him now if I see him in passing,  or just wave and don't stop??

 

Nevermind his intentions which aren't probably in your best interest....

The fact that you're still swooning over someone who you allowed to keep  disrespecting you, trying to control and pressure you in a relationship even after you've declined multiple times...

One time said, should have been respected. 

Get into therapy and work on yourself. 

You have low self esteem and don't know your worth.

He seems creepy, with an underlying anger problem and possibly abusive.

You dodged a bullet. 

Leave him alone.

Wave or don't and keep it moving.

Be thankful he left you alone.

Trust me. It's a blessing...even if you don't understand or recognize it now.

[nattz4512]

I am up in age like he is.

I live alone, go to work, come home and repeat. I have no one. I haven't any friends. Haven't any family. I'm isolated and alone most of the time.

I haven't had anyone pay me attention since I was in my early 20s. 

I  saw him and quickly developed a crush. He seemed nice, helped people out, greets everyone with a smile, stays mostly to himself, etc...

When you're lonely without anyone....

You are desperate and quickly get caught up.

Humans are animals who are social creatures...whom thrive and florish from socialization, encouragement, and attention. 

Connection and companionship 

I live in an abandoned isolated dreadful silence and an seemingly cloak of invisibility to the world. 

People don't tend to see me nor talk to me. I'm invisible to them. They don't bother with me. 

Bill collectors and At work is the only time people acknowledge me and talk to me....even though it's to give orders and talk at me. 

He looked at me , acknowledged me and actually spoke to me. 

I got caught up.

I know that I shouldn't talk to him and should move on...it will some take time.

It will be difficult to adjust to silence again. 

I honestly did like him..

and I'm crushed and sad...

[Wiseman2]

Why not get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting men?

You'll have to have more confidence in yourself and a bit less paranoia about men. It's better than someone who seems a bit weird. 

[boltnrun]

So you criticize him for "rushing" yet you seem to be completely infatuated with him despite your very minimal contact. You are doing the same thing he is except you haven't expressed your alleged feelings like he did. In fact, you rejected him.

First of all, you can't be angry with someone for respecting your wishes. You said you can't have a dating relationship so he stopped asking. It makes no sense to be mad that he did as you asked. 

Second, I am in somewhat of the same situation as you. My kids are adults and have lives of their own and my friends live hundreds of miles away. I do feel isolated sometimes (emotionally, not literally). I am still uncomfortable in groups due to the ongoing Covid situation, but I do get out and about just being where people are even if I'm not out with a friend or a group. I go for walks and say hello to neighbors and storekeepers just to have some human interaction. It does make things better.

Don't cling to this pushy man just because you're lonely. Think of ways to meet people such as church or volunteer groups, Meetup groups, fitness or cooking or gardening groups, etc. Maybe book a tour for older singles.

I hope you're feeling better soon. 

[Jaunty]

I don't understand why you would engage in any of this.   

You are not interested in dating him, and saying "hi" when you pass someone for 2 years is nothing to base a friendship upon. 

Wasting time.

[Kwothe28]

12 hours ago, nattz4512 said:

I am crushed, and keep constantly checking my phone hoping that he'd reach out to me...

 

Then perhaps you shouldnt have offered a friendship. He didnt wanted friendship, he wanted to date you. Very eagerly, sure, that could be constituted as a red flag. But still he made his intentions clear. It was you who said how you dont want a relationship at all. So he did the most sensible thing and just blocked you. Why should he waste his time on somebody who repeatedly turns him off?

This whole ordeal is just dumb in general. He is not your friend, he wanted to date you. And you claim you have a crush on him and how you always thought how it would be nice for him to befriend you? Men are not just "attention givers". And you clearly wanted him to be just that without any obligations from your side. So I would say that you also exhibit a huge red flag there. On which you should work for the future. Because while some desperate men would agree to be your friends thinking that would change in the future, most would do just what this guy did. Block your attention starving ego and move on with their life.

[nattz4512]

He agreed to a friendship before we exchanged numbers.  

 

I did nothing to lead this man on, he lead me on.. then ghosted me..instead of being direct 

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, nattz4512 said:

He agreed to a friendship before we exchanged numbers.  

 

I did nothing to lead this man on, he lead me on.. then ghosted me..instead of being direct 

You weren’t direct because once you realized he didn’t just want friendship you continued to interact with him instead of backing off. Why ? For the ego boost ?  He didn’t ghost you. He was direct and after while he finally realized what a waste of time it was to interact with you. He doesn’t owe you the sort of directness you’re wanting. You were not a true friend to him because seems like you kept him around as some sort of ego boost or perhaps a backup plan if you get desperate. 

[MissCanuck]

You aren't making a lot of sense, OP. 

You were right to be worried about this guy since he was rushing it way too much. We can't tell you why he did so, but it is a red flag. 

Why would you therefore want to be friends with him? 

[Jaunty]

On 9/25/2023 at 6:22 AM, nattz4512 said:

He agreed to a friendship before we exchanged numbers.

I don’t think “agreeing to a friendship” is a thing.  Friendship is organic.  It happens between people, or it does not.  
 

Rarely would it happen in a case where one person rejected the romantic advances of another.  

On 9/25/2023 at 6:22 AM, nattz4512 said:

 

I did nothing to lead this man on, he lead me on.. then ghosted me..instead of being direct 

“Ghosting” is plenty direct, if somebody doesn’t want to talk to you anymore.  Especially someone you barely know.  

[Andrina]

So when you're not out actively pursuing a social life, you're passively waiting for a social life to fall into your lap, and so you're subjected to the bread crumbs thrown your way. Desperate people tend to attract predators. You've placed yourself in a no-win situation. In your situation as it is now, even if you happened upon a decent guy, he will quickly feel smothered because he's the only source of your social life, and he'd be afraid you'd be "crushed" if a break up happened. Too much drama. I can imagine the fall-out from you when you say you're crushed with the exit of a man you barely knew.

Most hobby groups are very welcoming to new members who share their passion in the hobby. You'd probably be pleasantly surprised when you look at how many Meetup.com groups are in your area.

If it's really friends you want and not a romantic partner, then pursue friendships with people who have the same relationship goals. Starting with someone who had a different goal isn't wise. Plenty of people would love your company if you want to volunteer in bringing patients to their doctor appointments or to teach adult literacy, etc. You can mold your life into what you want but that requires pro-active behavior. Good luck!

[DariaM239]

He def gives off creepy vibes. Perhaps you don't actually miss him. I think you just miss the attention that he gave you? Also the constant checking your phone to see if he's reached out, I can definitely relate to that feeling, haha. It sucks but tbh he sounds like a red flag. Feel better soon! 

[rainbowsandroses]

On 9/24/2023 at 6:31 PM, nattz4512 said:

I saw him and quickly developed a crush...

Well there you go.  You felt an immediate 'spark', a crush, despite having just layed eyes on him and knowing absolutely nothing about him. 

I would venture to guess HE did as well, that's what genuine chemistry is between two people, a sort of mutual energy flowing between them.  And it's often immediate.

There are no "maybe it's this" or "perhaps it's that" happening here.

it's quite clear, he wanted to pursue those feelings/chemistry by dating you (he called it a relationship).  He wasn't wishy-washy about it, he was quite direct.  My ex husband was the same with me when we first met. 

There is nothing creepy about a man knowing what he wants, and being direct about it.  In fact, personally I admire that.

Anyway, point is he wanted to pursue something romantic with you to see where it would lead, if anywhere.   And you shot him down by claiming you only wanted to be friends.

My advice is stop allowing fear to steer your ship and take a chance, assuming you feel that spark/crush which you did with him.

Doesn't mean you have to marry him but you cannot expect a man who is attracted to you in a romantic way to settle for a friendship.

Not happening.