Would I be violating my husband's boundaries?

[shouldhavelearned]

Sounds like you need to have a conversation with your husband and explain your insecurities.

His move after that.

[Tinydance]

5 minutes ago, shouldhavelearned said:

Sounds like you need to have a conversation with your husband and explain your insecurities.

His move after that.

Yep

[Tinydance]

I just want to point out as well that the reason why I mentioned about that someone is not a creep or pervert just because they looked is just because I've seen some posts where people are too harsh on their partner. For example, OP said when her partner is around a woman with her, he looks awkward or like he's going to talk to the woman.

Well to me it would depend on the situation itself. Are these just total strangers around him and it looks like he wants to talk to them? For example, you're in an elevator and he looks like he's going to talk to some random woman he doesn't know? Or is it a situation where it's actually not weird to talk to women? E.g. You're at a party or some kind of event with friends or family.

For example, when I go to a party, I act very friendly to everyone. I don't make a discrimination whether those people are male or female. If I'm in a relationship I don't just selectively speak to women only. It's not like if a man goes: "Hi, how do you know the host?" that I would be like: "Oh sorry I gotta go over there now" and quickly move away just because it's a man. People are still allowed to speak to people of the opposite gender but obviously if it's appropriate and in a normal way. Like, if you're out with your partner and every time they start speaking to total strangers of the opposite gender then that's weird. 

I just think there are situations where it's not sleazy or weird necessarily in and of itself. Some examples are when my partner and I were at some hot springs and were sitting in a spring and a woman was sitting there so we both started talking to her about whatever. I don't expect my partner to just not respond in any way or get out of the hot pool just because it's a woman.

[boltnrun]

My ex husband would turn red and giggle whenever he encountered an attractive woman. I actually found it endearing. He wasn't going to try to get something going with any of those women. Of course that was well before the era of social media so no chance of him "following" anyone. 

[Coily]

Ooof.

I think the question is how do you approach this topic with your husband? Do you come out swinging calling him, and I quote " ***ing creeps "? Or do you address it more in how it makes you insecure?

This really less about social media and more about how you two handle conflict in your relationships. I would recommend you find ways of bringing this up that doesn't put your husband in a defensive position. No one likes to be verbally pummeled or accused, it may not make you feel good, but come up with some way that he doesn't feel like he has to push back.

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, 15yearsofservice said:

Also all you non social media people, please don't even comment talking about social media isn't real life.... I will block you.

So you communicate the same way your husband does?

Shut down any avenue of discussion before the discussion even happens? 

 

[15yearsofservice]

2 hours ago, Coily said:

Ooof.

I think the question is how do you approach this topic with your husband? Do you come out swinging calling him, and I quote " ***ing creeps "? Or do you address it more in how it makes you insecure?

This really less about social media and more about how you two handle conflict in your relationships. I would recommend you find ways of bringing this up that doesn't put your husband in a defensive position. No one likes to be verbally pummeled or accused, it may not make you feel good, but come up with some way that he doesn't feel like he has to push back.

That's what I'm having trouble with. I don't know how to present this in a way he will not get defensive. HE GETS DEFENSIVE FOR EVERYTHING no matter how I spin it. So far we are just not talking to each other because he pretty much shut down any possibility of a conversation earlier today and I'm fuming so much I could land in space. 

[MissCanuck]

17 minutes ago, 15yearsofservice said:

HE GETS DEFENSIVE FOR EVERYTHING no matter how I spin it.

Your marriage is in deeper trouble than you think, in that case. It's not just about him enjoying hot women on social media. 

[lostandhurt]

His boundaries are basically "Do not question me on what I do"  That is not a boundary, that is a directive.  Marriages, good marriages are not structured with directives and commands.

 You see him once a week and you think he doesn't masturbate?  Please the only way that is true is if he has claws for hands.  He does so just accept it.  Now whether he jerks off to IG models or porn or both could be a question.  BTW no man wants to admit he masturbates to his wife.

 On  the subject of porn what is your view on it?

He gets defensive when you bring up certain subjects because he doesn't want to admit what he has been up to.  If he felt like he truly wasn't doing anything wrong he wouldn't get defensive would he?

 Social media is a bunch of people trying to get attention and it seems they have your husbands attention.  It is fantasy just like porn.

 Lost

[15yearsofservice]

11 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

His boundaries are basically "Do not question me on what I do"  That is not a boundary, that is a directive.  Marriages, good marriages are not structured with directives and commands.

 You see him once a week and you think he doesn't masturbate?  Please the only way that is true is if he has claws for hands.  He does so just accept it.  Now whether he jerks off to IG models or porn or both could be a question.  BTW no man wants to admit he masturbates to his wife.

 On  the subject of porn what is your view on it?

He gets defensive when you bring up certain subjects because he doesn't want to admit what he has been up to.  If he felt like he truly wasn't doing anything wrong he wouldn't get defensive would he?

 Social media is a bunch of people trying to get attention and it seems they have your husbands attention.  It is fantasy just like porn.

 Lost

We do not see each other only once a week. I meant that we only share 1 day off. Other than that, he's at work all day, but by the time he comes home we have time for dinner and a show, and that's it.  I know he isn't jerking off.

On the subject of porn: I've communicated to him how I feel about it, very early on. I didn't agree with it. And we came to a mutual understanding I think. However, how is IG any different from looking at porn? I think it's the same coin. So I feel he is violating MY boundaries that we agreed on as well.

 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

7 hours ago, 15yearsofservice said:

My husband and I have been married 4 wonderful months

I'm at a loss understanding what you find so wonderful about it?   From what you've described it sounds awful. 

Other than being your "best friend" which he surely isn't from from what you've described, can you name three endearing things about him and your marriage that make it so wonderful?

This is a serious question as I have a good friend about to marry a man who shuts her down as well and and gets defensive and I'm very scared for her.

I'm scared for you too, because this doesn't get better (and will actually get worse) unless there's some major intervention and he's open to that.

[Tinydance]

19 minutes ago, 15yearsofservice said:

We do not see each other only once a week. I meant that we only share 1 day off. Other than that, he's at work all day, but by the time he comes home we have time for dinner and a show, and that's it.  I know he isn't jerking off.

On the subject of porn: I've communicated to him how I feel about it, very early on. I didn't agree with it. And we came to a mutual understanding I think. However, how is IG any different from looking at porn? I think it's the same coin. So I feel he is violating MY boundaries that we agreed on as well.

 

 

So did he say he would not watch porn? When you say you came to an agreement, he actually agreed to that or he just didn't want to discuss it as always? 

The thing is that I don't think that you would find that many men who would never watch porn or never look at other women. By "look" I mean if there's any attractive woman that they'll turn away or close their eyes. Or that they'll never speak to other women. I mean just normal conversation. It's just very rare. Again I'm not saying that it's OK to cheat or flirt with other women but to me that's not the same thing.

 

[15yearsofservice]

29 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

So did he say he would not watch porn? When you say you came to an agreement, he actually agreed to that or he just didn't want to discuss it as always? 

The thing is that I don't think that you would find that many men who would never watch porn or never look at other women. By "look" I mean if there's any attractive woman that they'll turn away or close their eyes. Or that they'll never speak to other women. I mean just normal conversation. It's just very rare. Again I'm not saying that it's OK to cheat or flirt with other women but to me that's not the same thing.

 

No I mean it's different if an attractive person comes into his view while we're out (still makes me uncomfortable but it's out of our control) BUT to think that my husband has control and is choosing to seek girls out on IG. Clicking on their profiles, checking out their pictures, and following them, is about as far as watching porn for me. In fact, I'd probably prefer it if he watched porn over this. This is 100x worse and I don't know why.

I can't remember if he flat out said he wouldn't watch it, honestly the convo was so long ago that I can't even remember what we agreed on. 

[rainbowsandroses]

Your husband oogleing other women or watching porn or following random women on SM isn't even the issue, it's a symptom of a much larger "disease" so to speak.

That being he shuts communication down, gets defensive and refuses to talk to you whenever you voice a concern, a complaint or even to simply discuss a healthy compromise.

This is just one issue, NO doubt there will be many more unless again there's some sort of intervention like marriage counseling.

It's never too early to seek counseling, in fact the earlier the better so such issues don't fester and cause resentment.

Also, call me old-fashioned but I disagree that it's standard for a man to blatantly look, stare or make comments about other women while he's with you.  

None of my boyfriends or ex-husband ever did that, its disrespectful and rude imo.  You're his wife for goodness sakes, not his frat buddy.  

I also disagree it's standard to follow a bunch of random women on SM while in a committed relationship or married, it's immature and disrespectful imo.

I can't even imagine any of my ex's doing that.  It's so immature and juvenile.  Your husband seriously needs to grow up and seek marriage counseling is my advice.

Good luck. 

 

[15yearsofservice]

2 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Him oogleing other women or watching porn or following random women on SM isn't even the issue, it's a symptom of a much larger "disease" so to speak.

That being he shuts communication down, gets defensive and refuses to talk to you whenever you voice a concern, a complaint or even to simply discuss a healthy compromise.

This is just one issue, NO doubt there will be many more unless again there's some sort of intervention like marriage counseling.

It's never too early to seek counseling, in fact the earlier the better so such issues don't fester and cause resentment.

Also, I disagree that it's standard for a man to look, stare or make comments about other women while he's with you.  

None of my boyfriends or ex-husband ever did that, its disrespectful and rude imo.  You're his wife for goodness sakes, not his frat buddy.  

I also disagree it's standard to follow a bunch of random women on SM while in a committed relationship or married, it's immature and disrespectful imo.

I can't even imagine any of my ex's doing that.  It's so immature and juvenile.  Your husband seriously needs to grow up.

 

I agree. Also Sorry, I should've mentioned this but it's only been about 2 or 3 girls that he's followed. But even 1 is enough disrespect for me. Sorry not sorry. 

[rainbowsandroses]

20 minutes ago, 15yearsofservice said:

I agree. Also Sorry, I should've mentioned this but it's only been about 2 or 3 girls that he's followed. 

That you know of, but even just 2 or 3, why?  What's the point of it?  A distraction?  Excitement?

Why did he ever get married if that's how he feels?

IDK, I cannot stand SM, I shut mine down before I got married and my husband did after.  I have nothing good or positive to say about it. 

The opposite actually because imo it has the potential to destroy relationships when used recklessly which sadly happens too often..

I'm really sorry OP and hope you and your husband will get some counseling and work this out.  

 

[Tinydance]

23 minutes ago, 15yearsofservice said:

No I mean it's different if an attractive person comes into his view while we're out (still makes me uncomfortable but it's out of our control) BUT to think that my husband has control and is choosing to seek girls out on IG. Clicking on their profiles, checking out their pictures, and following them, is about as far as watching porn for me. In fact, I'd probably prefer it if he watched porn over this. This is 100x worse and I don't know why.

I can't remember if he flat out said he wouldn't watch it, honestly the convo was so long ago that I can't even remember what we agreed on. 

Well I agree with everyone that it's concerning that your husband doesn't want to discuss anything. Also to me it sounds a bit like maybe you didn't 100% know the real him when you married him. I mean even if he said something like: "Don't worry, those women on social media mean nothing to me" but he just says don't talk about it and gets defensive. If he does it with a lot of other topics or issues then this is actually a huge red flag. 

The other problem is,  because you didn't know he followed those models, you married him. But if he's not willing to unfollow them, what happens next? Are you supposed to accept it or will you end the marriage?

[15yearsofservice]

3 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Well I agree with everyone that it's concerning that your husband doesn't want to discuss anything. Also to me it sounds a bit like maybe you didn't 100% know the real him when you married him. I mean even if he said something like: "Don't worry, those women on social media mean nothing to me" but he just says don't talk about it and gets defensive. If he does it with a lot of other topics or issues then this is actually a huge red flag. 

The other problem is,  because you didn't know he followed those models, you married him. But if he's not willing to unfollow them, what happens next? Are you supposed to accept it or will you end the marriage?

When I asked why he made that comment he said because he has friends whom it has happened to, their gf got upset over who they followed. 
 

I really don't know what I'd do if he doesn't. I haven't thought that far ahead. I don't think I will accept it though. I don't see why I have to. We got married. This would be such a crazy hill to die on and if he so chooses that, it'll truly tell me everything I need to know about him and I don't think I could respect him after that.   I also am hoping he will see my side on this. We're supposed to be a team anyway. 

[15yearsofservice]

5 hours ago, shouldhavelearned said:

Sounds like you need to have a conversation with your husband and explain your insecurities.

His move after that.

Would it be insane to mention the most recent follows? Those are the most concerning for me but I can't say it without suggesting "hey btw I track your followers" 

[Tinydance]

11 minutes ago, 15yearsofservice said:

When I asked why he made that comment he said because he has friends whom it has happened to, their gf got upset over who they followed. 
 

I really don't know what I'd do if he doesn't. I haven't thought that far ahead. I don't think I will accept it though. I don't see why I have to. We got married. This would be such a crazy hill to die on and if he so chooses that, it'll truly tell me everything I need to know about him and I don't think I could respect him after that.   I also am hoping he will see my side on this. We're supposed to be a team anyway. 

Well the issue is he doesn't seem to think it's a problem and got defensive when you tried to discuss it. So it doesn't really seem like he's going to stop following those girls. In all fairness you are tracking who he's following lol

[MissCanuck]

17 minutes ago, 15yearsofservice said:

Those are the most concerning for me but I can't say it without suggesting "hey btw I track your followers"

I am sure he's already aware that you do this. 

Own it, if you expect him to own his part too. 

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

lso, call me old-fashioned but I disagree that it's standard for a man to blatantly look, stare or make comments about other women while he's with you.  

None of my boyfriends or ex-husband ever did that, its disrespectful and rude imo.  You're his wife for goodness sakes, not his frat buddy.  

I think it's rude for any person to do that to another person.  I've been stared at by men and women like that, I've had comments made and unless it's a celebrity or you think it is one so you stop and stare to determine whether it is that person (look that's awkward too but celebrities realize it's gonna happen) - I wouldn't give any person a pass and not (not that you said this you did not) because men are more visual.  Men also went to that day in kindergarten when basic manners were taught.  So yes I agree with you and then some.

OP I wouldn't bother saying that you track his followers.  Unless it's part of a longer discussion with a third party- whether a marriage counselor, someone at your place of worship if that's appropriate, etc.

[15yearsofservice]

6 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

I am sure he's already aware that you do this. 

Own it, if you expect him to own his part too. 

Well, I made the mistake of always telling him, "I don't care who you follow!" Even up until he said that, and until I saw what I saw.

 

And you're right. I do have to own my part.

[redswim30]

Why did you marry this man?

You clearly don't trust him.  You clearly don't communicate well.   You clearly don't agree on a lot of things. 

What positives are you getting out of this? 

 

[bluecastle]

9 hours ago, 15yearsofservice said:

Would it be insane to mention the most recent follows? Those are the most concerning for me but I can't say it without suggesting "hey btw I track your followers" 

But you guys are already having this conversation, just passively and destructively. For instance, when he accepted your IG follow request and said, "Don't ask me about my follows," he was in essence saying, "I know you're going to look through my follows, see some women, and freak. Keep it in the can." 

The longer you guys communicate like this—sideways, assuming the worst, without any respect—the further and further apart you'll grow as people. And odds are you don't want to be paving the path to divorce or misery four months into a marriage, though you are both laying those bricks right now. 

So I say fully own your half and let him know. Along the lines of: "Babe, I need to talk to you about something. I've looked through your follows—not a proud moment, but there it is. And I'm unnerved seeing the women, and seeing that you're following random women even after we're married. It left me feeling really hurt. I don't want to control you, but I don't see us thriving as a couple if that continues."

Or some such. 

And if he can only be enraged and become defensive—well, that is important information. He is allowed to require a partner that is totally okay with this habit. And you are allowed to not be that person. But who knows? You are both young, and it seems you both have a lot of adolescence left inside of you. Maybe this can be a place to grow up a few inches, together.