Am i right to feel neglected by my mother?

[sh-bly]

Hello everyone,
I hope you're all doing well. I find myself in a bit of a dilemma regarding my relationship with my mother, and I'm looking for some insights and thoughts from this supportive community.

To provide some context, when I was around 16 years old, I had to discuss a surgical procedure to cure gynecomastia (Male breast enlargement condition/ very light grade in my case) that I needed with my mother. This was a somewhat awkward conversation for me, but I felt it was essential to share. Unfortunately, her initial response left me feeling neglected. She appeared annoyed and promised that we would see a doctor to investigate the matter. However, she never really followed through on this promise.
Fast forward several years, and I continued to insist on addressing this issue with her. Every time I brought it up, it resulted in more broken promises, even though she was well aware of how much this situation was affecting me emotionally.
Recently, as an adult (21m), I decided to take matters into my own hands and visited a surgeon. At this point, my mother insisted on accompanying me, which initially relieved me because I thought she was finally getting involved. However, as I tried to involve her in scheduling the surgery and the subsequent steps, nothing changed. She remained uninvolved and seemingly uncaring, refusing to admit that she had neglected me, especially when I was younger.
So, my question to you all is whether I am justified in feeling neglected by my mother in this situation, or if perhaps it's not entirely her responsibility as a mother to be involved in this specific aspect of my life.
I appreciate any insights, experiences, or thoughts you might have on this matter. It's been weighing on my mind, and I'm looking for some guidance on how to navigate this complex situation.

Thank you in advance for your help!

[Wiseman2]

Do you live together? Do you work and have your own medical insurance? Where is your father? Do you have siblings or other support extended family and friends? You did the right thing getting whatever procedure you needed. Ask your medical team for a referral to a qualified therapist to help you unpack and sort out issues as well as adjusting to surgery and body image changes.

[sh-bly]

Yes, we do live together,as mentionned,i did not get the procedure yet, which is not a heavy one.
I can afford the surgery.
I have siblings and i don't feel like involving friends into the process.
Thanks for your reply! 

[Andrina]

I know my own parents have disappointed me over the years, even as they both had good traits as parents. I'm actually a bit shocked at how well they did, as they each experienced much trauma as children due to family issues. I know I've probably done things my own children thought I could've done better. 

I'm sorry you don't feel supported. Unfortunately, we can't get that for some things from a parent. Who knows why? Sometimes a person doesn't know how to act for whatever reason. Their innate personality. Past trauma.

It's why the saying exists, "You can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family." I hope you have someone else you can rely on to help you out during recovery, even if it's not a majory surgery. Perhaps one of your siblings? Take care.

 

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, sh-bly said:

in scheduling the surgery and the subsequent steps, nothing changed.

Have you scheduled your surgery?

As an adult, I would tend to my own care and inform her of the dates involved. From there, she can either show up at the hospital, or your home afterward, or not, but it won't interfere with your care.

Quote

She remained uninvolved and seemingly uncaring, refusing to admit that she had neglected me, especially when I was younger.

Refusing to admit this? What does that mean? Did you accuse her and try forcing her to admit neglect?

It's not productive to criticize anyone's efforts toward the right direction. That buys you nothing, while it discourages them from any further attempts.

For instance, if someone who rarely calls me reaches out, instead of greeting them kindly, I say, "So look who figured out how to use the phone..." I've just watered the weeds in my own garden instead of feeding what I want to grow.

Catch people doing something right--even if it's a feeble attempt and not to your standards. Encourage them as a reward rather than criticize them as punishment. Otherwise, you'll push them away and your lonely righteousness will be a cold comfort.

[Cherylyn]

You won't always get the support you want.  Therefore,  get the surgery if you truly want it,  schedule it and heal well.  Live your own life. 

[tattoobunnie]

I stopped involving my mom with anything medical since I was 16.  It is your body, and your choices.  If she is there for you with everything else, then I would let it go, since this is an matter for you, not her.

[Starlight925]

No, you're not wrong.  When we think of the term "mother", we think caring, being there, hugging, holding when times are bad, being there to soothe us.

Some of us just got in the wrong line when they were handing out mothers.

Not to make your thread about me, but here's my similar story:

I had breathing issues/asthma as a kid, which got worse.  In high school, an ENT confirmed a deviated septum.  I wanted a nose job so badly, and the ENT said it was better to do it at the same time.  I don't even know if my mother reacted, as she didn't go with me to any of the appointments.

In my mid-20's, I maxed out my credit card and had the surgery:  Deviated septum/rhinoplasty.  I lived 250 miles from home then.  My mother didn't even call me.

I came home a few weeks later for Thanksgiving, and my mother looked at me and said, "Were you still going to have that surgery?"

She was so disconnected from me as a mother that she didn't even notice that my APPEARANCE had changed.

Sometimes, we get the mother we have, not the one we need or want.

[sh-bly]

I express my sincere gratitude to all of you who have been part of mythread. Your thoughtful responses, have been very helpful to me.
As my journey continues, I hope that others who stumble upon my thread will also feel inspired to join the conversation.
Thanks again!

[smackie9]

There's no way to have her be someone different. What you see is what you get. It's her personality (disorder?). You have to let go, remove yourself from ever expecting her to be the definition of what a mother should be in the normal sense.

Me, my mom is a narcissist/bi-polar. She's in her 80's, and she still can be really mean to me, all about her, etc.  I avoid her as much as she allows me to. If too much time passes, she gets real aggressive, says horrible things, get passive/aggressive/manipulates/sends me long winded rants through email to make sure I feel bad/guilty. She won't stop until she gets her way. 

I suggest you find other ways to find support, or a surrogate.