At a loss! Need honest advice.

[hollymai12]

Hello, everyone. (long post!)

I'm writing this because I literally have no one else to speak to or ask for advice.

Last night I (F-27) found out my partner (M-24) has been answering ads for sex online, they include women, men and Trans, this is not the first time finding out about this, I have known he has contacted local female escorts for over a year now, but men and trans I didn't know, we split up in late Feb this year, I gave him an ultimatum after he begged me he would change and stop, I must add the relationship has also been Physically violent on his part in the past but since we broke up and I gave him another chance, he has tried hard with his anger and hasn't been violent again.

I just don't know what to do anymore, I thought he had stopped contacting people online and had hope for the relationship and future until a few weeks ago I found evidence he has been contacting escorts and speaking to them through messaging, I don't know if he has Physically met anyone, I doubt he would because he has social anxiety. But since finding pictures on his phone and numbers/messages I have become withdrawn in the relationship and uninterested in getting him to listen or argue about it, i think I'm finally numb to it.

The problem is, we have a child together and i have a child from a previous relationship, he helps me out alot financially! To the point I don't think I can leave him because I doubt he'll help with maintenance for his child out of spite, he didn't willingly pay when we split in feb and if he did it wasnt easy to get, I don't know if he has been manipulating me over money and he knows I can't leave.

I'm not happy in the relationship anymore, it's to the point where I don't feel I can voice how I feel to him because it's a waste of time and he knows it, he has said i should just leave him if I'm unhappy but then when I have left, he begs/cries for me back, threatens to end his life and promises me the world.

I don't want to go through the emotional manipulation if I leave him, it's never ending and I end up giving in and feeling bad for him!.

Basically I just want to know what other would do?.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

23 minutes ago, hollymai12 said:

 Physically violent on his part., we have a child together and i have a child from a previous relationship, he helps me out alot financially.

Sorry this is happening. Do you have friends and family nearby or who you can confide in or who could help you?

Is the father of the other child paying child support? Child support is mandatory, not an option and it's your responsibility to go to court on behalf of your children and file for child support.

Please read up on domestic violence. Please take care of yourself and your children and remove them from this environment. It's your responsibility to protect your children.

Please enlist the help of trusted friends and family to extricate yourself from this.

You can call a domestic violence agency for information support and help. Please also go to social services for help with food, housing, medical care for yourself and your children. They can assign you a caseworker to help you get on your feet and away from violence.

It's important to protect your children from violence because the next time he explodes on you, your children could be taken away. Get out of there and contact the appropriate agencies for help.

[hollymai12]

Thank you for your reply!.

I have my family but I don't feel like I can go to them now because I have stuck by him previously.

The thing with the child maintenance is he is not on the birth certificate and I want him to stay off it because then I have sole responsibility for my daughter, so I can't expect him to pay child maintenance.

Thank you for the advice, I have thought of this before regarding my children but because he has stopped being violent its not something I have currently thought about, but I will.

 

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, hollymai12 said:

,I have thought of this before regarding my children but because he has stopped being violent its not something I have currently thought about, but I will.

Please get the help you need to remove your children and yourself from this environment. Read up on the "cycle of violence".  That he hasn't been violent lately is not a reason to subject yourself or your children to this.

[hollymai12]

Thank you, I will look into it 

[Kwothe28]

52 minutes ago, hollymai12 said:

The thing with the child maintenance is he is not on the birth certificate and I want him to stay off it because then I have sole responsibility for my daughter, so I can't expect him to pay child maintenance.

 

So, in other words, he didnt recognized a child as his own?

Its not a problem to do it over court. If you separate you can ask child maintenance over court. But with rights also comes responsabilities. Not only with child support but with him, for example, having joint custody(if he wants that) and seeing your daughter. So its questionable why you want him to assume just a financial responsability and not other responsabilities as a father.

I do agree its best to leave him when he is like that. If he is big financial contributor you would have to know that probably wont be like that. You would maybe have child maintenance over court but for rest you would have to provide. If your relationship is not just about money, you should leave and try on your own. Its much better then to b dependant on somebody who goes around paying escorts. And who even raised a hand on you in the past.

[Coily]

4 hours ago, hollymai12 said:

i think I'm finally numb to it.

That alone is the reason why you should leave.

You should look for a women and children's shelter if you feel that you can't go live with family. They will give you resources and some buffers from this clown. You need to get away from this environment long enough to clear your head and reflect on what you want for yourself and your children.

If he's looking for escorts, what is to stop him over time from seeing them, then possibly exposing you to STDs? Or worse, having one come over to the house?

[SooSad33]

7 hours ago, hollymai12 said:

The problem is, we have a child together and i have a child from a previous relationship, he helps me out alot financially! To the point I don't think I can leave him because I doubt he'll help with maintenance for his child out of spite, he didn't willingly pay when we split in feb and if he did it wasnt easy to get, I don't know if he has been manipulating me over money and he knows I can't leave.

Oh, but you can.  People split all of the time.  You just need to get going on getting a lawyer, for him to pay some support and arrange visits w/ his kid. ( I'm sure there is assistance in this for situations like yours- due to costs).  Contact them

As for this guilt crap he gives, oh well!  He's an adult and a parent to a kid you two have.  Whatever he feeds you, ignore it!  You are not happy with his behaviour anymore.  Don't live with regrets.

 

[Cherylyn]

You can either remain with him for the sake of money or leave him despite him begging you to stay. 

If you can figure out how to survive well economically without him and ignore his pleas for you to stay with him,  then that is your exit plan. 

He doesn't sound like a morally good guy so he wouldn't be worth keeping in your life.  For you though,  it sounds like money talks in his favor which is awfully expensive for you to pay on your part.  Your part being in 'putting up and shutting up' mode which is a very high price to pay.  He will not change for you.  Either tolerate and accept how he is or do whatever it takes to leave.