Isn't what's mine is his and what's his is mine?

[Jaunty]

x

[Tinydance]

Sorry but I don't really understand why this has become such a big deal? Maybe I say this as someone who isn't into cars but personally I don't care what car I'm driving. I have a car and it works perfectly fine. So I'm totally fine with just driving my own car and I don't need any other car. It would be different if you had no car of your own and your husband wouldn't let you use the car. But you do have a car and even your husband has a second car too. 

I actually agree with you that spouses should share things but it doesn't have to be 100% of the time. It also depends on the situation. It sounds like your husband is very close to his Mum. If she cares a lot about her car and he will get it if she dies, that makes sense that he wants to take really good care of it. And technically it makes sense that she's giving this car to him, not you, since he is her son. 

I know as your husband he's meant to share with you and he did say you can drive this car sometimes. So he hasn't actually said no to you completely. Most of all I just don't really understand why you care this much about it when you already have your own car.

I'm not into cars but I'm just trying to imagine if it was something I really like. For example I love jewellery. I'm actually bisexual so let's say if I was married to another woman. And my Mum died and left me her necklace. Not an expensive or vintage necklace but just normal necklace. Although I'd be happy to share all my other jewellery with my wife, this necklace would be special to me and I would probably only want to wear it myself.

[Cherylyn]

22 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Neither do we.  It doesn't come up -but she brought it up with a sense of entitlement and absolute glee in getting the car of her dreams - it's all -a little much. There's more going on and perhaps he balked at her attitude.  What you wrote in the second paragraph is not this situation.

I'd never feel entitled to take my husband's phone because it's upgraded as compared to mine (truth I love(!!) my SE -the downgraded version -not a techy, don't like added bells and whistles) - and if I said to him can I use your phone today -mine is on the fritz -he'd say sure use it when I'm not using it but unless it was an emergency he'd rather take me to get a new one or a loaner one or whatever.  I wouldn't feel entitled to use my son's better gaming computer to do stuff on -I'd ask him and if he was using it with his friends he'd say no.  It was a bday gift from his godfather. It's his computer. Not mine.  Even though I birthed him lol.  

I don't think it's all communal property and I think it's fine for spouses to have things they don't want the other to use - like I said it's not a thing in my marriage- as for cars we have one -it's a honda accord lol -it's a 2019 because my husband had one and only one accident in 2019 (not his fault) and it totaled his old but beloved car. I don't drive, son doesn't yet.  If one of us starts we may need two cars.  I do not feel entitled to use his things and he doesn't feel entitled to use mine. 

We have a joint account and separate ones. I do not feel entitled to tell him how to invest the $$ he brought into the marriage and vice versa but we both talk to each other for advice and suggestions, for sur.

Ok,  so the next time her car is out of commission (maintenance,  repairs,  in mechanic's shop,  in the garage in need of servicing of any sort),  she is to walk to work,  walk to get errands,  walk to a doctor appointment, walk with others instead of driving them or take Uber because heaven forbid should she drive a back up car in an emergency.  🙄

I'm just relieved that I'm not married to a husband who acts like a sergeant,  commands me,  orders me,   tells me what to do and forbids me from driving any car in our driveway and garage.   Oooh,  I'm so scared!  😲

[Cherylyn]

21 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Can you please quote where the OP said her husband said any of that? I've scoured her posts and haven't found any of these threats you're attributing to her husband. 

I was mimicking a scenario of how a dialogue could play out to the point of ridiculousness. 😒 This shouldn't even be a source of contention.  Either acquiesce or share.  Those are your two choices.  Or, know your place because no means no.  What a guy!  🙄 The more I hear about other husbands,  the more grateful I am to be married to a man who isn't a headache.  🙏 🤗

[Jaunty]

3 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

 

I'm just relieved that I'm not married to a husband who acts like a sergeant,  commands me,  orders me,   tells me what to do and forbids me from driving in any car in our driveway and garage.   Oooh,  I'm so scared!  😲

Where did you come up with this idea that her husband commands her?  I'm in a long term committed relationship - my partner was bequeathed some things by their parent.  I would never presume that these things are MINE because we are together and I pay for a lot of stuff.

I certainly didn't  start haranguing my partner about whether I could have access to the stuff when their parent was dying, either.  That's out of line  WAY out.  Sheesh.

[boltnrun]

Just now, Cherylyn said:

I was mimicking a scenario of how a dialogue could play out to the point of ridiculousness. 😒 This shouldn't even be a source of contention.  Either acquiesce or share.  Those are your two choices.  Or, know your place because no means no.  What a guy!  🙄 The more I hear about other husbands,  the more grateful I am to be married to a man who isn't a headache.  🙏 🤗

So you acknowledge she never said her husband threatens her or orders her around? You're purely speculating.

[Cherylyn]

7 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

So you acknowledge she never said her husband threatens her or orders her around? You're purely speculating.

I wonder what her husband would say or do if she were to drive "his" car,  let's say to the pharmacy for him while he's sick or if she's very low on gas for her car or if her car needs oil or whatever?  Are there exceptions or is his rule ironclad?  No but wait.  She should walk to the pharmacy because heaven forbid should she drive "his" car for any urgent matters or emergencies.  🙄

[Coily]

Just now, Cherylyn said:

I wonder what her husband would say or do if she were to drive "his" car,  let's say to the pharmacy for him while he's sick or if she's very low on gas for her car or if her car needs oil or whatever?  Are there exceptions or is his rule ironclad?  No but wait.  She should walk to the pharmacy because heaven forbid should she drive "his" car for any urgent matters or emergencies.  🙄

Ummm, what in the wide wide world of sports is going on here? The OP has enough to navigate, without this bizarre fetish you've fabricated based on what exactly? Are you okay?

[Coily]

OP, if the situation was reversed, and this was a car you bought your elderly parent; would your husband automatically get access to use the Mercedes as his primary vehicle, since it's nicer than what he currently has?

[Cherylyn]

14 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Where did you come up with this idea that her husband commands her?  I'm in a long term committed relationship - my partner was bequeathed some things by their parent.  I would never presume that these things are MINE because we are together and I pay for a lot of stuff.

I certainly didn't  start haranguing my partner about whether I could have access to the stuff when their parent was dying, either.  That's out of line  WAY out.  Sheesh.

It definitely sounds like an order.  "You're not allowed to drive my car!"  Yes, sir!  Anything you say, sir!  You ask me to jump?  I ask,  "How high?"  🙄 

So,  the next time "his" car is the only car available when needed and / or her car is unavailable in a pinch,  she is expected to walk everywhere whether it's chauffeuring others around,  getting food,  errands,  doctor appointments,  work or anywhere.  Yes,  wife,  go take an Uber because your "husband's car" is off limits.  Tattoo this on your arm so you'll never forget!  ☺️

[Cherylyn]

3 minutes ago, Coily said:

Ummm, what in the wide wide world of sports is going on here? The OP has enough to navigate, without this bizarre fetish you've fabricated based on what exactly? Are you okay?

Emergencies and urgent times are part of life but wait,  no,  you're not allowed to drive your husband's car or you'll hear an earful when you get back. 😡  Walk or take an Uber.  Or, bum a ride from a friend.  Heaven forbid should you ask your husband's permission to drive his car.    Life happens so know it will happen eventually. 

[itsallgrand]

2 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

I wonder what her husband would say or do if she were to drive "his" car,  let's say to the pharmacy for him while he's sick or if she's very low on gas for her car or if her car needs oil or whatever?  Are there exceptions or is his rule ironclad?  No but wait.  She should walk to the pharmacy because heaven forbid should she drive "his" car for any urgent matters or emergencies.  🙄

She mentioned he's ok with her driving it here and there. Basically he just wants her to respect that it is something for him, and not a communal car. 

I find your take interesting. I've known so many people growing up with your take. It was part of the reason I wasn't in any rush to marry lol. This idea that you dissolve and can't  have things of your own because you are in a marriage or a family or community - no thank you. The pressure for everything you have or do to be communal is far more oppressive to me than not getting full access to everything of someone I'm in a relationship with. I've lived the waking up the morning and someone is in the kitchen eating my special breakfast, someone took my car "cause they need it", and the guilt trips " it's so selfish if I want this, who are you deny me?!". No thanks. 

[Coily]

1 minute ago, Cherylyn said:

Emergencies and urgent times are part of life but wait,  no,  you're not allowed to drive your husband's car or you'll hear an earful when you get back. 😡  Walk or take an Uber.  Or, bum a ride from a friend.  Heaven forbid should you ask your husband's permission to drive his car.    Life happens so know it will happen eventually. 

You are really into this fetish, that's cool and all. Maybe stick to the OP's actual situation.

[rainbowsandroses]

16 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

But rather it's more about your attitude, what's bolded/underlined above.  That you would be so cold to mention being excited about something after his mom dies.

It's his mom!  No doubt just thinking about her dying is painful but instead of being sensitive to that, you're excited because you can't wait to drive her car?

I'm requoting because I believe the emphasis is being placed on the wrong thing.

It's NOT about the car or the OP driving his mom's car after she passes.  

It's what in bold above.  

@CherylynI'm curious, how would you feel if your parent were dying and you were due to inherit a large sum of money and your husband upon learning this offered no sympathy about your dying parent, but rather blurted out how excited he was that HE would now be rich! 

How would that make you feel?  

This situation is not much different imo.

 

 

[Cherylyn]

4 minutes ago, Coily said:

OP, if the situation was reversed, and this was a car you bought your elderly parent; would your husband automatically get access to use the Mercedes as his primary vehicle, since it's nicer than what he currently has?

My in-laws gave my husband our previous SUV which I ended up driving a lot.  I shuttled the kids everywhere in it,  ran errands,  grocery shopped,  filled the tank,  went to doctor appointments, etc.  Despite my late father-in-law giving it to my husband,  my husband never once forbade me from driving the car.  I must say it made for a very harmonious marriage because we shared it.  Granted,  it was not my husband's primary car but we didn't have to argue about this.  We still had access to any car available on our driveway or garage.   Either back up cars were convenient to have in the event of maintenance,  repairs and the like. 

[Seraphim]

There are two things at play here . 
1. I am not worried how he gets the car just that he does. 
2. I am entitled to it just by being his wife . 
 

It shows disregard for his family and disrespect for him. 

[boltnrun]

The OP said her husband said she could drive it if she needed to. It just isn't going to be her primary vehicle, no matter how "excited" she is about getting the car when her husband's mom dies. 

Apparently this is very triggering for someone. That's not the OP's problem. 

[Coily]

4 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

My in-laws gave my husband our previous SUV which I ended up driving a lot.  I shuttled the kids everywhere in it,  ran errands,  grocery shopped,  filled the tank,  went to doctor appointments, etc.  Despite my late father-in-law giving it to my husband,  my husband never once forbade me from driving the car.  I must say it made for a very harmonious marriage because we shared it.  Granted,  it was not my husband's primary car but we didn't have to argue about this.  We still had access to any car available on our driveway or garage.   Either back up cars were convenient to have in the event of maintenance,  repairs and the like. 

You're not the OP are you?

[Seraphim]

4 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

My in-laws gave my husband our previous SUV which I ended up driving a lot.  I shuttled the kids everywhere in it,  ran errands,  grocery shopped,  filled the tank,  went to doctor appointments, etc.  Despite my late father-in-law giving it to my husband,  my husband never once forbade me from driving the car.  I must say it made for a very harmonious marriage because we shared it.  Granted,  it was not my husband's primary car but we didn't have to argue about this.  We still had access to any car available on our driveway or garage.   Either back up cars were convenient to have in the event of maintenance,  repairs and the like. 

This isn’t the deal they have though. She has said that for years all the time they’ve been married, they both pay for their own things even their cars. So the arrangements others may have they don’t . 

[Cherylyn]

2 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I'm requoting because I believe the emphasis is being placed on the wrong thing.

It's NOT about the car or the OP driving his mom's car after she passes.  

It's what in bold above.  

@CherylynI'm curious, how would you feel if your parent were dying and you were due to inherit a large sum of money and your husband upon learning this offered no sympathy about your dying parent, but rather blurted out how excited he was that HE would now be rich! 

How would that make you feel?  

This situation is not much different imo.

 

 

When my MIL or mother passes away and we're due to inherit real estate and other accumulated assets,  while I feel very sorry for my husband and my own loss,  internally I would feel grateful for our multiple windfalls indeed. 

How would I feel if my husband forbade me from driving his car which is parked in my garage which I've paid for?  I would not like it.  So,  let me get this straight.  I've paid for the majority of our bills going all the way back when he was a struggling student and now I'm not privy to drive his car at all?  I'm to walk everywhere or hire an Uber because I'm not allowed to drive his car when I need it?  Now would you call that fair?  I'm grateful to my husband who doesn't tell me what his rules are. 

[Seraphim]

My husband and I have things we share and that includes vehicles but we also have items that other people don’t use . Everyone doesn’t have to share marital agreement with me . 

[Cherylyn]

4 minutes ago, Coily said:

You're not the OP are you?

Neither are you

[Seraphim]

1 minute ago, Cherylyn said:

When my MIL or mother passes away and we're due to inherit real estate and other accumulated assets,  while I feel very sorry for my husband and my own loss,  internally I would feel grateful for our multiple windfalls indeed. 

How would I feel if my husband forbade me from driving his car which is parked in my garage which I've paid for?  I would not like it.  So,  let me get this straight.  I've paid for the majority of our bills going all the way back when he was a struggling student and now I'm not privy to drive his car at all?  I'm to walk everywhere or hire an Uber because I'm not allowed to drive his car when I need it?  Now would you call that fair?  I'm grateful to my husband who doesn't tell me what his rules are. 

Again though this is about the OP, and that wasn’t their arrangement. 

[Cherylyn]

Just now, Seraphim said:

Again though this is about the OP, and that wasn’t their arrangement. 

Again, emergencies and urgent times arise eventually.  But wait,  she's not allowed to use his car.  I guess things won't get done then.  Oh well.  🙄

[Seraphim]

Just now, Cherylyn said:

Again, emergencies and urgent times arise eventually.  But wait,  she's not allowed to use his car.  I guess things won't get done then.  Oh well.  🙄

That is up to them though.