Never been this far. How should I proceed?

[iamwhatyoumademe1129]

So I (M21) am going on a third date with this girl (F20). Things are going okay I guess. We have been texting non stop for three weeks. I am not really into texting a lot for obvious reasons, but she is. I feel like over text, she is more open. She has mentioned that I am very cute and a great guy, and she likes my company. But in person she doesn’t really say that much. She is not flirty at all. On our last date we talked about past relationships (Which I have none) and what she is looking for. We seem to both want the same thing.

 

The other thing is that we haven’t really been physical. She initiates a hug at the end of the date but that’s about it. On the first date she gave me a hug. And on the second date as I said bye she asked if I was not gonna give her a hug. I am very bad at reading signs so I am not one to initiate physical contact. So on our next date I am planning on asking her if she wants to hold hands. We are going to the zoo.

 

Yesterday we were texting and I asked her why she is typically more quiet. And she said she is weird and that getting to know her might be difficult because sometimes she doesn’t know how to respond. I said that she is not weird at all and what not. Later we were talking bout something and she said I warm her heart.

 

So my question is how do I proceed? I have never really gotten this far before. When should I ask her to be my girlfriend?

[SooSad33]

First of all, I do hope she soon starts to 'open up' more re: communication.  Maybe she is still kinda shy?  Give it some time.  But communication is important, not all via text.

As for the physical aspect,  do reach out for her hand 🙂 and do continue to give your warming hugs!  She shared how she likes that?  Keep at it then.

Just continue as you are,  be yourself and I feel things will advance nicely.  Sounds good, she seems to enjoy your company.

 

[Wiseman2]

36 minutes ago, iamwhatyoumademe1129 said:

So I (M21) am going on a third date with this girl (F20). Things are going okay I guess. We have been texting non stop for three weeks.

It seems to be going well. Is there a reason there's only been 2 dates in 3 weeks?  Is this a distance situation? 

There's way too much texting. Cut back on that and attempt to see each other more in person. Texting is building faux connections.

You've only been on 2 dates, so talking about being exclusive BF/GF won't accelerate the physical contact you're hoping for.  Spend more in person time together and scale way back on the texting.

[Kwothe28]

24 minutes ago, iamwhatyoumademe1129 said:

So on our next date I am planning on asking her if she wants to hold hands. We are going to the zoo.

No, just no. You are young and inexperienced so you maybe dont know, but hands are actually pretty delicate and personal thing. You dont go straight for the hands. You need to be more "subtle". For example hugging. Why not hug her at the start of the date? Or even kiss her on the cheek when you hug her?(dunno your culture but here its pretty normal thing even between opposite sex friends) Or grab an opportunity to put your hand around her shoulder a bit when you walk, or even sit on a bench in the Zoo if you grab a chance for that? You would see how she feels and if she is comfortable with that. Hands are OK but you just cant go straight for it. You have to "feel the situation" a bit. 

Same with asking her for a kiss or to be your girlfriend. Maybe it works in some cases, but you should never actually ask for it. You either feel the moment to kiss her and you date as a couple. Or you ask for exclusivity when you already date. 

Also

47 minutes ago, iamwhatyoumademe1129 said:

She has mentioned that I am very cute and a great guy, and she likes my company.

 

47 minutes ago, iamwhatyoumademe1129 said:

She is not flirty at all.

What do you think first is lol

Also, also, have you flirted with her? Maybe said that she is cute? How she smells nice or dressed nicely for a date? You need to take on some initiative yourself if you want this to progress.

[boltnrun]

If you haven't even kissed it's much too soon to ask her to be your girlfriend.

[lostandhurt]

Good for you!  You are doing great so don't let some imagined time schedule steer you to do something that doesn't feel right.

 Sounds like you are into her a lot and she likes you a lot so don't rush it with labels please.  If she is into you she isn't going anywhere so asking her to be your gf to lock her down is the wrong path here.  Also asking her to speed up the physical stuff is the wrong path as well. 

 Holding hands isn't that huge of a deal.  While you are walking at the zoo (good call btw on a date choice) just hold out your hand palm up as to invite her to take it, if she is okay with it she will smile and take your hand.  If not you will know right away. She will take it and be glad to hold your hand from what you have written.  Don't hang on for dear life either, just be comfortable.  There is no need to hold hands all the time either. 

I agree you should greet her with a hug but not a hug like you give your aunt. Hold her a little tighter and if she has perfume on tell her she smells wonderful. Don't hold the hug to long but longer than you would normally.

  The kiss will come at the end of the date more than likely or during while you are sitting talking.  Pay attention to what she says and ask questions about the topic she is talking about.  Ask questions about her and her life, family and friends.  Show a genuine interest in her. Be funny but not a jerk.  No making fun of other people but be playful and funny. Leaning in for a kiss is easy compared to when to do it.  Hard to explain but you will know, just don't force it.

 Have fun at the zoo and reduce the texting a little by talking on the phone.  Yes I know it is old fashioned but next time she is texting just reply "I would love to hear your voice instead of texting, do you have time to talk?"  See what she says.

Let us know how it goes and relax she likes you

Lost

[Andrina]

Since you are new to dating, I'll give you a hint as to something I noticed several guys would do whenever I was in the beginning stages of dating, and I found endearing. Before a first kiss, they'd reach to touch the hair by my temple, like brushing it back. I thought that was smart, as they could gauge whether I was receptive to the kiss or not with that sort of preliminary touch. I imagine a woman who wouldn't want this closeness yet would pull her head back or have an uncomfortable look on her face. A woman who would welcome this touch would smile.

Have a wait-and-see-attitude as far as asking her to be your gf. You don't even know her normal personality yet, since she seems a bit closed off right now. Because if she never got to the point of being flirty with you, you might end up feeling liking she's more like a buddy. In time you will know if you two should continue on or not. Dating is all about finding out who is right for you and who isn't. Have fun.

[iamwhatyoumademe1129]

18 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems to be going well. Is there a reason there's only been 2 dates in 3 weeks?  Is this a distance situation? 

There's way too much texting. Cut back on that and attempt to see each other more in person. Texting is building faux connections.

You've only been on 2 dates, so talking about being exclusive BF/GF won't accelerate the physical contact you're hoping for.  Spend more in person time together and scale way back on the texting.

Well the first week we were kinda breaking the ice. I met her at work and we didn't really talk that much. But my coworkers put in a good word, and I also got along with her mom really well. They both don't work there anymore tho. She told one of my friends she thought i was cute and then I asked for her number. Well, her mom basically set us up. So we texted for a week. 

So we are doing one date a week now. Mostly because of work. She also found a new job so texting won't be like before. It's gonna be less. I also suggested we face time because I love hearing her voice. She got kinda excited so I just gotta find a day.

[iamwhatyoumademe1129]

19 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

First of all, I do hope she soon starts to 'open up' more re: communication.  Maybe she is still kinda shy?  Give it some time.  But communication is important, not all via text.

As for the physical aspect,  do reach out for her hand 🙂 and do continue to give your warming hugs!  She shared how she likes that?  Keep at it then.

Just continue as you are,  be yourself and I feel things will advance nicely.  Sounds good, she seems to enjoy your company.

 

She doesn't seem shy. Just closed and awkward. 

For sure. When I meet her I will give her a hug. And whenever we walk in the zoo I will ask "could I hold your hand". And as for the hugs, she didn't say anything about them. She gave me one on the first date, and at the end of the second date she asked if I was not gonna give her a hug. 

[boltnrun]

Please don't ask to hold her hand or kiss her. If she is leaning toward you or if you are going downstairs or stepping out of a vehicle take her hand. If she leaves her hand in yours you're good. 

[iamwhatyoumademe1129]

19 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

No, just no. You are young and inexperienced so you maybe dont know, but hands are actually pretty delicate and personal thing. You dont go straight for the hands. You need to be more "subtle". For example hugging. Why not hug her at the start of the date? Or even kiss her on the cheek when you hug her?(dunno your culture but here its pretty normal thing even between opposite sex friends) Or grab an opportunity to put your hand around her shoulder a bit when you walk, or even sit on a bench in the Zoo if you grab a chance for that? You would see how she feels and if she is comfortable with that. Hands are OK but you just cant go straight for it. You have to "feel the situation" a bit. 

Same with asking her for a kiss or to be your girlfriend. Maybe it works in some cases, but you should never actually ask for it. You either feel the moment to kiss her and you date as a couple. Or you ask for exclusivity when you already date. 

Also

 

What do you think first is lol

Also, also, have you flirted with her? Maybe said that she is cute? How she smells nice or dressed nicely for a date? You need to take on some initiative yourself if you want this to progress.

 

19 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

No, just no. You are young and inexperienced so you maybe dont know, but hands are actually pretty delicate and personal thing. You dont go straight for the hands. You need to be more "subtle". For example hugging. Why not hug her at the start of the date? Or even kiss her on the cheek when you hug her?(dunno your culture but here its pretty normal thing even between opposite sex friends) Or grab an opportunity to put your hand around her shoulder a bit when you walk, or even sit on a bench in the Zoo if you grab a chance for that? You would see how she feels and if she is comfortable with that. Hands are OK but you just cant go straight for it. You have to "feel the situation" a bit. 

Same with asking her for a kiss or to be your girlfriend. Maybe it works in some cases, but you should never actually ask for it. You either feel the moment to kiss her and you date as a couple. Or you ask for exclusivity when you already date. 

Also

 

What do you think first is lol

Also, also, have you flirted with her? Maybe said that she is cute? How she smells nice or dressed nicely for a date? You need to take on some initiative yourself if you want this to progress.

Here in the US a kiss on the cheek is not common at all. 

As for the hug. You are right. I will give her a hug at the beginning of the date. 

And put my hand around her shoulder idk. I feel like that is something an established couple would do. 

She hasnt really shown any signs, and I am terrible at reading the room. That is why I tend to ask. Better safe than sorry

[iamwhatyoumademe1129]

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

Please don't ask to hold her hand or kiss her. If she is leaning toward you or if you are going downstairs or stepping out of a vehicle take her hand. If she leaves her hand in yours you're good. 

Why not? I am terrible at feeling the room

[Andrina]

She hugged you without asking if it was okay. She made the first physical move. She has now accepted the third ask for a date. Assume she's into you. It's now time to act with confidence and take her hand without asking. It's your turn to offer affection. I've never had a guy ask me if he could hold my hand. If she doesn't want to hold hands but is okay with the closeness of hugging, I'd be shocked and she'd be out of the norm in not liking it. But if she doesn't, she'll speak up. It's not like you'd be inappropriate with   holding hands at this point in time. The only time I rejected holding hands was at a first meet, when I'd decided that would be our last meet. It was wrong of him to assume I liked him enough to go on another date when he hadn't even asked that question yet. Your case is different, and perhaps she's been a little closed off because you seem hesitant and unsure about things and maybe she's trying to read whether or not you're truly into her. Show her you are with the reaching for her hand and smiling. Can't wait to hear how it goes.

[iamwhatyoumademe1129]

19 hours ago, boltnrun said:

If you haven't even kissed it's much too soon to ask her to be your girlfriend.

I thought a kiss is supposed to happen once the relationship is established 

[boltnrun]

2 minutes ago, iamwhatyoumademe1129 said:

I thought a kiss is supposed to happen once the relationship is established 

I'm not sure where you're getting your dating information from, but it's not common for people to decide to be in a relationship before kissing even once. Unless you are in a culture that forbids any sort of physical contact before marriage. 

[iamwhatyoumademe1129]

6 minutes ago, Andrina said:

She hugged you without asking if it was okay. She made the first physical move. She has now accepted the third ask for a date. Assume she's into you. It's now time to act with confidence and take her hand without asking. It's your turn to offer affection. I've never had a guy ask me if he could hold my hand. If she doesn't want to hold hands but is okay with the closeness of hugging, I'd be shocked and she'd be out of the norm in not liking it. But if she doesn't, she'll speak up. It's not like you'd be inappropriate with   holding hands at this point in time. The only time I rejected holding hands was at a first meet, when I'd decided that would be our last meet. It was wrong of him to assume I liked him enough to go on another date when he hadn't even asked that question yet. Your case is different, and perhaps she's been a little closed off because you seem hesitant and unsure about things and maybe she's trying to read whether or not you're truly into her. Show her you are with the reaching for her hand and smiling. Can't wait to hear how it goes.

I mean you are not wrong. But she did give me a heads up before hugging me. She was like "Let me give you a hug". So I guess there may be something similar when it comes to holding hands. Maybe bump into her, lightly brush my hand on hers... IDK. I am very new to this. On our last date I touched some cold water and i told her to touch my hand to see how cold it is. So the touch barrier is broken in some way or another

[iamwhatyoumademe1129]

7 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I'm not sure where you're getting your dating information from, but it's not common for people to decide to be in a relationship before kissing even once. Unless you are in a culture that forbids any sort of physical contact before marriage. 

That's true. Now that you said it, it makes sense. I guess I need to kiss her maybe in a couple of weeks then. I just don't know how. Maybe asking, idk

[boltnrun]

I don't know where you're getting this idea to ask, but asking to kiss her is, frankly, lame. 

You can hug her (not a side hug!) and then look into her eyes, tilt your head slightly and move forward. No shoving your tongue into her mouth either. A nice soft gentle kiss to start. And don't try to proceed with any additional physical contact like breast touching. Just the kiss to start. Then smile at her and maybe say "that was nice".

[iamwhatyoumademe1129]

20 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

No, just no. You are young and inexperienced so you maybe dont know, but hands are actually pretty delicate and personal thing. You dont go straight for the hands. You need to be more "subtle". For example hugging. Why not hug her at the start of the date? Or even kiss her on the cheek when you hug her?(dunno your culture but here its pretty normal thing even between opposite sex friends) Or grab an opportunity to put your hand around her shoulder a bit when you walk, or even sit on a bench in the Zoo if you grab a chance for that? You would see how she feels and if she is comfortable with that. Hands are OK but you just cant go straight for it. You have to "feel the situation" a bit. 

Same with asking her for a kiss or to be your girlfriend. Maybe it works in some cases, but you should never actually ask for it. You either feel the moment to kiss her and you date as a couple. Or you ask for exclusivity when you already date. 

Also

 

What do you think first is lol

Also, also, have you flirted with her? Maybe said that she is cute? How she smells nice or dressed nicely for a date? You need to take on some initiative yourself if you want this to progress.

"Also, also, have you flirted with her? Maybe said that she is cute? How she smells nice or dressed nicely for a date? You need to take on some initiative yourself if you want this to progress."

For sure I do. But she just says Thank you with a little smile at best.

[Kwothe28]

9 minutes ago, iamwhatyoumademe1129 said:

For sure I do. But she just says Thank you with a little smile at best.

That is fine. She doesnt have to be "all over the moon" in order for a compliment to work. She accepts it just fine. Just bit a bit more assertive when you go out and see where it goes. You got a lot of great advice here and hoping you implement them.

[Wonderstruck]

I just want to say that I don't think it's "lame" at all to ask a woman if you can hold her hand or kiss her, I think that it's incredibly gentlemanly and romantic.

[iamwhatyoumademe1129]

On 8/31/2023 at 10:51 PM, Wonderstruck said:

I just want to say that I don't think it's "lame" at all to ask a woman if you can hold her hand or kiss her, I think that it's incredibly gentlemanly and romantic.

Little update. She is now my girlfriend. Things are progressing very slowly. Which is fine by me. She is opening up more, and we are having deeper conversations in person. The only thing that kinda seems off is that I always gotta ask to hold her hand, give her a kiss. Don't get me wrong, we are having longer kisses and she be biting my lips, which I don't get. But asking every time for permission can get a little tiring. I wonder if I will always have to ask her. Also, she does not like taking pictures. The only time she takes pictures is when she is with her family. She deleted all social media so she doesn't see a point in taking pictures. But yeah, things overall are good, and progressing.

[lostandhurt]

Excellent!

The biting is a playful thing so don't overthink that.  Now having to ask to kiss her seems a bit strange since you are bf/gf.  What would happen if you leaned in for a kiss?

 Are pictures important to you?  Worth worrying about?

  Not sure how to advise you on the asking part.  I would just offer up my hand and if she didn't take it walk without holding hands.  I would try a few more times and if she didn't want to hold my hand I would stop trying and let her reach for me from then on.  Kissing is the most intimate thing in my opinion so not being there and being able to read her I can't say.  See how things go over time and if it doesn't become clear simply ask her why you need to ask permission.

 Lost

[iamwhatyoumademe1129]

2 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

Excellent!

The biting is a playful thing so don't overthink that.  Now having to ask to kiss her seems a bit strange since you are bf/gf.  What would happen if you leaned in for a kiss?

 Are pictures important to you?  Worth worrying about?

  Not sure how to advise you on the asking part.  I would just offer up my hand and if she didn't take it walk without holding hands.  I would try a few more times and if she didn't want to hold my hand I would stop trying and let her reach for me from then on.  Kissing is the most intimate thing in my opinion so not being there and being able to read her I can't say.  See how things go over time and if it doesn't become clear simply ask her why you need to ask permission.

 Lost

Yeah she said she was playing around that's why she bit me. I told her I liked it. But yeah actually I never asked her for a kiss. We only kiss when we say bye at the end of the date. It starts with me asking for a hug, and then we both just lean in and kiss. But there is always some kind of permission that needs to happen before hand. On the fourth date when I asked her to be my girlfirend, at the end, she asked me for a kiss. But ever since I am the one that has to initiate, by asking. We talked about it, about showing affection, and she wants me to always ask before, for example, to hold hands. I just hope I don't have to ask forever.

As for pictures, I don't really care. I mean would it be nice? yes. But I just wonder why she doesn't want to take pictures with me. I am more concerned with the why than the actual pictures.

[Andrina]

Well, just because she's now your gf doesn't mean she's your forever person. Keep communicating. Keep gauging your own satisfaction level. She's asked for things. You can do some asking yourself about your own wishes. See over the next few months if things improve. Do you hang out with her group of friends yet? It is odd she doesn't want any photos of you on her phone to look at when you two are apart. Guess you have more things to learn about her. I hope it works out the way you wish.