Has anyone else experienced this?

[flowers3]

Hi

As strange as it may seem I got to my 40s without having unprotected sex, always with condoms, and i always found putting them on a guy exciting and had a high libido.

Now im married and theres no need for protection, I really dont like sex without a condom, it just hurts and ends up burning mid way through. I've been tested for stis and theres nothing going on there. I just cant relax and I can only go once a night and then thats me uncomfy for the following day too. We have tried lubes and different positions and its the same.

The after math of the event is messier than I imagined and I cant find that sexy at all, and means that you have to plan the where and when, which never happened before, meaning that snuggles that normally come after are taken up with the clean up and it doesnt make me feel great after either.

Both these things really have quashed my sex drive to virtually zilch. Its damaging my marriage and we are trying to get pregnant too. I have a history of sexual abuse and I simply cannot just lay there and think of England so to speak because that sets me off to a panic attack..

Has anyone else found this to be the case? Or have any tips to make it more comfortable? Or how to deal with the aftermath better?

Thanks

[Batya33]

I mean you do you but why clean up after ? Snuggle as usual IMO.  so I guess you never tried to conceive etc.  which is fine just confirming.  I’d ask your gynecologist about this issue. And it’s fine if you choose to use condoms as long as your partner is ok with it. 

[boltnrun]

Have you been tested for a sperm allergy? I was dating a guy years ago and for some reason his "fluids" caused an allergic-type reaction, where I would have the most unpleasant burning sensation. His body chemistry and mine didn't match for whatever reason.

I would check with your doctor.

[Andrina]

You could always use a towel on the bed until you clean up. At some point, a woman isn't as lubricated inside and estrogen cream can help with dryness, but of course, if you're trying to get pregnant, you will have to ask your gynecologist about this. 

You're in your 40s and trying to get pregnant? If you try for 6 months to a year and haven't gotten pregnant, you might want to get medically checked to see what can up your chances for pregnancy, since the older you are, the lower the chances of getting pregnant.

I'm sorry for your past sexual abuse. Did you get counseling for that?

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, flowers3 said:

I have a history of sexual abuse

Have you had help for this?

[boltnrun]

3 hours ago, flowers3 said:

I have a history of sexual abuse and I simply cannot just lay there and think of England so to speak because that sets me off to a panic attack..

I overlooked this part. It's understandable you find sex to be "dirty", so to speak.

Have you received any counseling? 

[catfeeder]

Unless you’re trying to get pregnant, why not just explain this to husband and ask if he’d allow you to incorporate condoms into your sex life?

If his response is a no, then that might have something to do with your emotional reaction. It’s hard to feel sexy when you’re resentful of your partner.

[flowers3]

22 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I mean you do you but why clean up after ? Snuggle as usual IMO.  

Because I just cant get used to the feeling of incontinence, it feels yucky, undignified, embarassing, and yes dirty. I didnt actually realise that others didnt feel that way. 

 

20 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Have you been tested for a sperm allergy? I was dating a guy years ago and for some reason his "fluids" caused an allergic-type reaction, where I would have the most unpleasant burning sensation. His body chemistry and mine didn't match for whatever reason.

I have often wondered about that, and I have joked about it, because Im damn sure it isnt suppost to burn and gritting your teeth and hoping for it to be over isnt nice..

19 hours ago, Andrina said:

You could always use a towel on the bed until you clean up. At some point, a woman isn't as lubricated inside and estrogen cream can help with dryness, but of course, if you're trying to get pregnant, you will have to ask your gynecologist about this. 

You're in your 40s and trying to get pregnant? If you try for 6 months to a year and haven't gotten pregnant, you might want to get medically checked to see what can up your chances for pregnancy, since the older you are, the lower the chances of getting pregnant.

I'm sorry for your past sexual abuse. Did you get counseling for that?

I have spoke to a gynaecologist some time ago, and they refused to do anything to help me, unless I lost nearly half my body weight and weighed the same as I did in primary school, so there's no hope there. That and the fact that there's probably a waiting list of a couple of years. I know the chances are slim, but I never had any opportunity to try before, so I cant give up yet, no matter how slim the chances. 

 

19 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Have you had help for this?

I haven't received any help for it no, and I really don't want to have to open that can up, for what I don't know, and plus where would I go. I'm in the UK, people don't really do therapy, and CBT really don't do jack and is all they offer really, and plus the wait list will probably again be years.. 

Its ironic I always thought when I ditched condoms it would make sex easier, and more spontaneous, and I spent ages looking forward to getting rid of them. But its really quite the opposite, and I cant wait for when I can think of using them again...

 

Thanks for your replies....

[boltnrun]

Your gynecologist refuses to give you a checkup unless you lose weight? What kind of lousy doctor is this? Time to change doctors.

Also, if you refuse to get treatment for past sexual abuse you may feel the way you do now for the rest of your life. Is that OK with you?

Why can't you have your husband use condoms for now, until you can see a good doctor?

[MissCanuck]

9 minutes ago, flowers3 said:

I haven't received any help for it no, and I really don't want to have to open that can up,

I don't think you're going to find much resolution to this current problem without addressing the trauma of the past. 

[Andrina]

You have a lot of excuses and false assumptions. My brother lives in the UK, and he received cognitive behavioral therapy. If it takes years to see a doctor, make the appointment. 2 years to wait is better than never seeing a doctor, or pay for the supplemental insurance to be seen earlier. You can buy over the counter vitamin E suppositories to add lubrication on a regular basis. They can be used during the week, not just when you're having sex. You can buy one of those bidet's that attach to a toilet to clean yourself, and do things to make a positive connection to the after-sex feelings, like taking a relaxing bath.

I once read that if sex isn't messy and noisy, you're not doing it right.

I've switched doctors many times when I didn't like how I was treated. I'd do the same if I were you.

For now, to make sex more pleasurable, why not give each other oral until climax and not have him climax inside you every time. Just have him ejaculate inside you during the period of the month when you're most likely the most fertile. I think that entails you taking your temperature before getting out of bed each morning, but you'll have to read an article on how that works.

[flowers3]

20 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I don't think you're going to find much resolution to this current problem without addressing the trauma of the past. 

How is that going to make any difference to a physical problem? Which wasnt a thing when I was using condoms... 

 

It was over 20 years ago when it happened and I have had different relationships and satisfying sex life since then, I am not traumatised...

[flowers3]

29 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Your gynecologist refuses to give you a checkup unless you lose weight? What kind of lousy doctor is this? Time to change doctors.

Also, if you refuse to get treatment for past sexual abuse you may feel the way you do now for the rest of your life. Is that OK with you?

Why can't you have your husband use condoms for now, until you can see a good doctor?

The health system in the uk is different.

Its not a case of getting a different doctor, I have changed my GP and have received the same guidance. In terms of the weight issue regarding fertility then yes it is pretty standard. I was referred nearly 2 years ago for a review for something else, and I have yet to hear. Although that problem has resolved on its own accord..

As stated else where an event that happened 20 years ago, is not the reason for these physical difficulties, given ive never had the problems in the 20 years since, and always enjoyed myself really well when I was using condoms...

At my age I cant afford to use condoms, particularly given this is the last couple of years where there might be the chance to conceive... in a few years I will be able to reintroduce them, hopefully..

[boltnrun]

So you cannot see a doctor to get a regular exam and explore a potential sensitivity to sperm or male fluids until you lose weight?

UK residents, is this really true? If so, the healthcare system there is worse than in the US.

[flowers3]

12 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

So you cannot see a doctor to get a regular exam and explore a potential sensitivity to sperm or male fluids until you lose weight?

UK residents, is this really true? If so, the healthcare system there is worse than in the US.

I can see my own doctor. An exam as you put it is not required, ive already had lots of tests and am up to date with screening, which was quite recent.. 

A sensitivity yes perhaps, but what will they do and how can they tell that?

I wont get a referral to the hospital for a gynecology review for that. Routine stuff takes years due to the covid back log. And I cannot afford to go private..

Its not life and death is it..

[flowers3]

Also to add if i was allergic surely it would irriate skin else where, which it doesn't...

[boltnrun]

26 minutes ago, flowers3 said:

Also to add if i was allergic surely it would irriate skin else where, which it doesn't...

I literally had, um, oral contact and didn't have a reaction. Only in my lady parts, which have a different composition than our external skin. 

[catfeeder]

50 minutes ago, flowers3 said:

Also to add if i was allergic surely it would irriate skin else where, which it doesn't...

Your skin is a barrier that you don’t have internally. You could experiment with taking one or more types of oral antihistamines at least a few hours before sex to test your internal reaction. You can research this or call your doctor for a recommendation of the most effective form for this purpose.

But frankly, the key factor in female arousal is psychological. If you’re clamped down in resistance, it’s going to hurt.

If you’re trying to get pregnant, another option might be to use a non-spermicidal condom and poke a hole in the tip. This may allow you the comfort of the texture until your husband orgasms.

You may also want to explore treatments for Vaginal Atrophy, an umbrella condition that makes sex painful for women.

Also, I’d think through what kind of advice you hoped to receive if you are entirely closed to pursuing any form of professional advice. It’s not productive to say “I want help…” even while saying, “Nothing and nobody can help me.”

[Wiseman2]

On 8/29/2023 at 10:02 AM, flowers3 said:

. Its damaging my marriage and we are trying to get pregnant too. 

Since you are not getting the answers you wish from routine healthcare, try going back to condoms since you state everything was fine with them.

If you are trying to get pregnant poke some holes but the sheath with still cover it like before you had this discomfort.

Ask your husband to shower before sex/bed and if he is uncircumcised, ask him to make sure he retracts and washes underneath.  Clearly everything was fine with the condoms, so start there.