Spontaneity and Communication in the Early Stages of Dating

[Vladoss]

I've been dating a girl for the past three weeks. She's incredibly cute, and we share a strong mutual understanding. There's a two-year age gap between us. My current dilemma revolves around initiating our conversations; usually, I'm the one to reach out first. Although she's quick to respond, I can't help but feel that I'm consistently taking the lead. Her spontaneity stands out as a notable trait. For instance, we might plan something for the weekend, and while she initially agrees, she occasionally has a change of heart, or we end up meeting spontaneously based on her desires. I'm seeking advice on how to approach this situation.

[Wiseman2]

26 minutes ago, Vladoss said:

, we might plan something for the weekend, and while she initially agrees, she occasionally has a change of heart, or we end up meeting spontaneously based on her desires. 

It seems to be going well. How old is she? Do you both work? Go to school? 

Do you two plan things in advance and she flakes or do you mean she rearranges the plans to something else? 

You could make more concrete and confirmed plans and make sure she's on board by confirming them. Are you exclusive or still talking to and meeting others? 

[Vladoss]

Thanks for getting back to me.

She's 20 and I'm 22. Currently, I'm studying at university and working, while she wants starting working after leaving her university. She studied two semesters at her university and did not like it  .I have talked to her today as well and she said that she's planning to resume her studies next year.She was quiet stressed today , and canceled our date.

The issue is that I often make weekend plans, but she tends to cancel them a day before. Instead, she asks me if I wanna come to her for a walk . Mostly we discuss her problems.

When I genuinely connect with a girl, I tend to stop contacting other girls.

 

[LootieTootie]

She might be an impulsive person who tends to do what she feels and not think about consequences. Hence, her dropping out due to stress. Her canceling dates due to stress. 

When you make an effort to plan and coordinate with someone about a shared time/date, it can be aggravating if they keep changing their mind about the agreed upon date.

Do you feel bothered about her changing her mind? Also, if you are dating someone this early on and all they want to do is rant about how awful their problems are, please know that they freindzone you.

Anyone who is in to you this early on would be trying to win you over with how caring, positive, funny, pleasant, and smart they are. Not be making you listen to their fml monologues.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

19 minutes ago, Vladoss said:

. Instead, she asks me if I wanna come to her for a walk . Mostly we discuss her problems.

Sorry this is happening, but all you can do is tell her she can see you and talk to you on dates. If she cancels, don't go running over to listen to her problems.  When you do this it condones her cancelling and rearranging things to her convenience.

So if she cancels again, just say ok, let me know if you are ready willing and able to date me and we can set up a mutually agreeable time to see each other. But don't run over there on her whims to listen to her problems. 

 

[Vladoss]

3 minutes ago, LootieTootie said:

She might be an impulsive person who tends to do what she feels and not think about consequences. Hence, her dropping out due to stress. Her canceling dates due to stress. 

When you make an effort to plan and coordinate with someone about a shared time/date, it can be aggravating if they keep changing their mind about the agreed upon date.

Do you feel bothered about her changing her mind? Also, if you are dating someone this early on and all they want to do is rant about how awful their problems are, please know that they freindzone you.

Anyone who is in to you this early on would be trying to win you over with how caring, positive, funny, pleasant, and smart they are. Not be making you listen to their fml monologues.

 

 

Thanks for your response. It does bother me when she changes our plans. I set aside my free time to organize a date, and then she cancels. We only seem to meet when she wants to.

This started last week when she said she was stressed. But it's puzzling because she messaged me late last night, saying she's going on vacation to another country. 

I did not figure out , if there is something between us . We have a great time together . And I would like to ask her that in the next weeks . 

[LootieTootie]

3 minutes ago, Vladoss said:

 

I did not figure out , if there is something between us . We have a great time together . And I would like to ask her that in the next weeks . 

Dear, you don't need to figure anything out. She is already treating you like someone she can toss whenever she feels like it. She is not considering your feelings at all when she derails your plans.

How can you have a great time together if all she wants to do is talk about her problems? 

[Vladoss]

26 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening, but all you can do is tell her she can see you and talk to you on dates. If she cancels, don't go running over to listen to her problems.  When you do this it condones her cancelling and rearranging things to her convenience.

So if she cancels again, just say ok, let me know if you are ready willing and able to date me and we can set up a mutually agreeable time to see each other. But don't run over there on her whims to listen to her problems. 

 

I might try it next time. Should I keep dating her and tell her about my feelings in the future, or should I be direct from the start? I think she already knows how I feel about her. If she didn't feel the same, she would have said so. She's a  Slavic girl, and they usually speak their mind.

[Vladoss]

4 minutes ago, LootieTootie said:

Dear, you don't need to figure anything out. She is already treating you like someone she can toss whenever she feels like it. She is not considering your feelings at all when she derails your plans.

How can you have a great time together if all she wants to do is talk about her problems? 

The situation began last week. I understand that she might have a lot going on right now.

I'm considering giving her some space,  and seeing if anything changes.Or maybe I am wrong...

[Kwothe28]

I think you are at the start so for now its going OK. She is quickly responding, you are going on dates, that is all OK for the start as far as communication goes. 

How is she in person? Does she responds nicely when you are together?

Her not initiating things could be a part of the problem for later. If your whole effort is one-sided maybe she just doesnt feel too strongly about you. But for 3 weeks period, if she is responding good and you are getting dates, you are OK for now.

[Vladoss]

1 minute ago, Kwothe28 said:

I think you are at the start so for now its going OK. She is quickly responding, you are going on dates, that is all OK for the start as far as communication goes. 

How is she in person? Does she responds nicely when you are together?

Her not initiating things could be a part of the problem for later. If your whole effort is one-sided maybe she just doesnt feel too strongly about you. But for 3 weeks period, if she is responding good and you are getting dates, you are OK for now.

She's truly pleasant when we're together in person. Our interactions during these times are quite positive. Most of our meetups involve going for walks since she prefers that over sitting somewhere.

I believe it's best to give us both some time, to continue dating and observe how things unfold. There's that feeling you get, deep down, when you've met someone exceptional—someone who's not just a perfect match but also intriguing. I've been in other relationship where I invested a whole year, only for the person to eventually see me as just a friend. This matters to me because, as you know, time holds value, and it's essential to make the most of it.

[shouldhavelearned]

Would say take it slow.

Be mindful of her and her wishes. The walking dates don't cost money and you can listen to her vent. As least she doesn't cancel the whole thing.

Maybe make a picnic out of it 

If she's stressed, it's your way of being there.

Ask more questions, especially about that trip.

[Andrina]

What kind of dates is she rejecting? What had you planned? What kind of problems does she have? Does she suffer from depression?

To me, it doesn't seem like she's all that into you. You're the only one driving the train. You complain she never initiates contact, yet you're so into her that you're willing to put in all the effort even though she's lacking in that area? Is that what you did with your ex who ended up seeing you as a friend only? Do you have a pattern of dating women whereas you put in most of the effort?

After 3 weeks of you taking the lead, sit back and let her make an effort, and if she doesn't, let her fade away. If she ends up asking, "Oh, I haven't heard from you lately." Then you can let her know that you prefer dating relationships where each person takes an equal part in making plans and communicating.

It's the best way to gauge a person's interest, so you don't waste time on someone who just likes temporary attention while waiting for someone they are more into.

[catfeeder]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

If she cancels, don't go running over to listen to her problems.  When you do this it condones her cancelling and rearranging things to her convenience.

I agree. You've been teaching her that this is okay, so she keeps doing it.

This is someone who has dropped school and has emotional problems. That doesn't make her a bad person, but she's not exactly dating material.

Is your goal to find a healthy relationship, or are you on a mission to play therapist to someone who is not capable of a healthy relationship at this time?

[poorlittlefish]

Cancelling dates at short notice is disrespectful of your time. If she's going to cancel, she should offer an alternative date/time. You need to put the ball in her court. If she fails to contact you or doesn't make any effort to arrange a date herself, you know she's not really bothered. Expect better for yourself. 

[MissCanuck]

13 hours ago, Vladoss said:

The issue is that I often make weekend plans, but she tends to cancel them a day before. Instead, she asks me if I wanna come to her for a walk . Mostly we discuss her problems.

This sounds like a drag when you have only been "dating" for 3 weeks. 

Have you had a proper date with her? It seems strange to me that she cancels that in favour of going for walks, and I wonder if she is trying to keep you in the Friend Zone. 

[Vladoss]

39 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

This sounds like a drag when you have only been "dating" for 3 weeks. 

Have you had a proper date with her? It seems strange to me that she cancels that in favour of going for walks, and I wonder if she is trying to keep you in the Friend Zone. 

I'm not sure if she's treating me as just a friend or something more. On our last date, she kissed me, and she's also fine with hugging. If she wasn't interested, she wouldn't reply to my messages.Or I am wrong ? I'll give it some time and see what happens.

[MissCanuck]

It's hard to say how interested she is, or if she's just looking for an audience to talk about her issues. 

However, next time she cancels a date, I would not agree to run over to her and go for a walk and listen to her talk about her problems. Let her reschedule a proper date. 

And see if she has anything more interesting to talk about than her stress. That isn't really a great recurring topic of conversation when you hardly know the person and are trying to build a connnection. 

 

[Vladoss]

2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

This sounds like a drag when you have only been "dating" for 3 weeks. 

Have you had a proper date with her? It seems strange to me that she cancels that in favour of going for walks, and I wonder if she is trying to keep you in the Friend Zone. 

 

12 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

It's hard to say how interested she is, or if she's just looking for an audience to talk about her issues. 

However, next time she cancels a date, I would not agree to run over to her and go for a walk and listen to her talk about her problems. Let her reschedule a proper date. 

And see if she has anything more interesting to talk about than her stress. That isn't really a great recurring topic of conversation when you hardly know the person and are trying to build a connnection. 

 

thank you for your precious suggestions!)

[boltnrun]

What exactly is she "stressed" about? She doesn't work and isn't enrolled in school and she apparently has enough money to go on vacations.

Does she live with her parents? How is she able to afford the basics of living and vacations if she doesn't work?

[smackie9]

She possibly has anxiety, that could be why things are slow moving for her. The work around is to learn to be spontaneous yourself. Just mirror her and see what happens.

[Vladoss]

6 hours ago, boltnrun said:

What exactly is she "stressed" about? She doesn't work and isn't enrolled in school and she apparently has enough money to go on vacations.

Does she live with her parents? How is she able to afford the basics of living and vacations if she doesn't work?

She said she's babysitting and teaching German. I made a mistake by looking into her online and found out she's on vacation with a guy. So, it seems like it's over... 🥲

[boltnrun]

27 minutes ago, Vladoss said:

She said she's babysitting and teaching German. I made a mistake by looking into her online and found out she's on vacation with a guy. So, it seems like it's over... 🥲

At least you have the truth. Unfortunately you didn't get it from her.  But that's irrelevant.

And that wasn't a "mistake". It ended up getting you to the truth. 

Now you're free to pursue other women to date. I'm sure you'll meet someone better suited to you. 

[Wiseman2]

51 minutes ago, Vladoss said:

 looking into her online and found out she's on vacation with a guy. ... 🥲

Sorry this happened.  You did the right thing checking into her vacation and strange behavior. At least you found out sooner rather than later. 

[Vladoss]

27 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened.  You did the right thing checking into her vacation and strange behavior. At least you found out sooner rather than later. 

It's better to be with honest people than to love someone who lies. I don't understand those who can't just be direct about their feelings. Why waste time and emotions by pretending?