Bf dumped me after 4.5 years

[angrythoughts]

I’ve been through breakups before, especially after long periods of time. This hits different though because we live together. It’s been 5 days but I am really struggling. I’m also 30 years old and I can’t help but to feel hopeless. Like maybe I’m too old to find love and there’s no one out there for me. 
 

I don’t know what to do to move on. Even having done this before many times I don’t have the recipe to move on. I’m older now. Back then I’d go out, party, and meet people constantly. But now I don’t want to do all that. I don’t know how I’ll meet people. I’m a very sociable person but I really feel so hopeless.

Not to mention the extreme stress that comes with having to move out and figure out where I’m moving to. That home is no longer my home. The life I lived is no longer. I seriously feel so horrible. I just want uplifting advice. I’m in a place right now where I’m a total grim reaper and I feel like this is the end of the road for me.

 

I wish there was a pill to cure this kind of thing. 😭

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, angrythoughts said:

I don’t know what to do to move on.

Do not try to move on. Baby steps which eventually will result in that.  Make tiny goals for yourself each day and validate yourself when you do that (fyi I started dating my future husband at age 39 after many disappointing LTR and shorter relationships -he also had never been married - I am almost 57 and we've been together since then, married almost 15 years, one teenage child)

Don't even think about "meeting people" - take baby steps socializing. Here's a story - my husband's childhood friend was widowed in his late 40s, no kids.  I knew of a theater troupe in his city where many friends had volunteered and many had met their person/spouse.  This man - totally not a theater person, very very introverted and shy. 

But  -most of my friends volunteered backstage and/or did both back and front.  He was really handy/had a technical background so I suggested it never thinking he'd do it. That was about 5-6 years ago -he's still involved with the group, he's made new friends etc -my husband met up with him a few days ago -first time in a few years - and he's really happy with that as one way to socialize. I do not suggest jumping into anything but to me that's one way to think outside the box and meet people -when you are ready.  Try to do hour by hour ok?

I ended an LTR at age 38 - 7 years on and off - each of us met our spouses after that and married in the same year.  

[angrythoughts]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Do not try to move on. Baby steps which eventually will result in that.  Make tiny goals for yourself each day and validate yourself when you do that (fyi I started dating my future husband at age 39 after many disappointing LTR and shorter relationships -he also had never been married - I am almost 57 and we've been together since then, married almost 15 years, one teenage child)

Don't even think about "meeting people" - take baby steps socializing. Here's a story - my husband's childhood friend was widowed in his late 40s, no kids.  I knew of a theater troupe in his city where many friends had volunteered and many had met their person/spouse.  This man - totally not a theater person, very very introverted and shy. 

But  -most of my friends volunteered backstage and/or did both back and front.  He was really handy/had a technical background so I suggested it never thinking he'd do it. That was about 5-6 years ago -he's still involved with the group, he's made new friends etc -my husband met up with him a few days ago -first time in a few years - and he's really happy with that as one way to socialize. I do not suggest jumping into anything but to me that's one way to think outside the box and meet people -when you are ready.  Try to do hour by hour ok?

I ended an LTR at age 38 - 7 years on and off - each of us met our spouses after that and married in the same year.  

Wow that is amazing. I hope I can meet my one soon. It kills me to think of him meeting and marrying someone else. I have all these intrusive thoughts that are truly stabbing me in my stomach again and again. My memories are so painful to recall. I feel so desperate. I’m going on a solo trip as we speak so I’m hoping I gain some clarity and feel better soon. I feel like I’m dying. I have hardly eaten in days.

[bluecastle]

So very sorry for the heartbreak.

Not sure this is advice, or uplifting, but what I want to say off the bat is it's okay to feel exactly the way you do right now. It's okay to have no clarity, to not eat super well or much for a moment, to have all sorts of thoughts that singe. Let that come, trusting it's all a temporary visitor, and remind yourself of this from time to time—that this, where you are right now, is okay. You may find some of the sharpness and sourness becoming less so, in time.

And great to hear that you're on a solo trip. Have done many of those myself in the wake of breakups, and while they didn't solve anything—since the hard truth about grief is it's something to feel, not solve—they did serve as a needed reminder that the world, both the outside world and the one inside of me, is big, multitudinous, and full of infinite wonder. Knowing that, and feeling it, can act as a bit of a salve in these moments and, in time, maybe something of a north star.

For what it's worth? I'm 43 and in my circle of fiends I don't think I know a single person who is with a partner from their 20s. But I do know a lot of people who are happily partnered up, and those relationships tended to be found and forged in their 30s, often in the wake of some devastating heartbreak that, at the time, seemed like the end of the world but in fact turned out to be beginning of a whole new one. 

Feel free to write here, share whatever thoughts, no matter how ugly, you're having. It doesn't feel like it now, but you are going to get through this. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, angrythoughts said:

Wow that is amazing. I hope I can meet my one soon. It kills me to think of him meeting and marrying someone else. I have all these intrusive thoughts that are truly stabbing me in my stomach again and again. My memories are so painful to recall. I feel so desperate. I’m going on a solo trip as we speak so I’m hoping I gain some clarity and feel better soon. I feel like I’m dying. I have hardly eaten in days.

I agree with Bluecastle.  Do you want to have a family -biologically? If so have you considered egg freezing to take a bit of the pressure off? It wasn't an option when I was  your age and single -I asked!

[angrythoughts]

47 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I agree with Bluecastle.  Do you want to have a family -biologically? If so have you considered egg freezing to take a bit of the pressure off? It wasn't an option when I was  your age and single -I asked!

I just turned 30 so I’m not sure if I have to go down that route yet. I’ll consider it after I get through this heartbreak. Right now all I can think about is how a man that I loved and thought I’d marry didn’t want to be with me anymore. He no longer wanted to try and fix things. He gave up on the relationship and me. I feel so hurt to not have been chosen after all this time and experience together. I’m so devastated. I never saw this coming ever. I don’t know how to get through this. The only thoughts that come to my mind are terrible ones: he’s sleeping with other women, you’ll die alone/you’ll never find love again, you’ll be miserable for years to come etc. I really hope that I can find love again and look back at this post and laugh. 

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, angrythoughts said:

I just turned 30 so I’m not sure if I have to go down that route yet. I’ll consider it after I get through this heartbreak. Right now all I can think about is how a man that I loved and thought I’d marry didn’t want to be with me anymore. He no longer wanted to try and fix things. He gave up on the relationship and me. I feel so hurt to not have been chosen after all this time and experience together. I’m so devastated. I never saw this coming ever. I don’t know how to get through this. The only thoughts that come to my mind are terrible ones: he’s sleeping with other women, you’ll die alone/you’ll never find love again, you’ll be miserable for years to come etc. I really hope that I can find love again and look back at this post and laugh. 

Oh I'm so sorry you are struggling!!! Can I give you a weird suggestion -it's fun and distracting -have you ever watched Sex and The City? It's about 30 something single women and it started in the late 90s (I am almost 57) -I just think you'll relate, you'll laugh -it helped me in my early 30s when I was unhappily single and even unhappily coupled.

I'm really sorry he ended things.  It's so hard.  I've been there (and in fact I married my ex-fiancee -broke up when we were in our early 30s -mostly me who wanted to end it -and got back together in our late 30s and married).  No I am NOT suggesting you two will reconcile just mean you're "only 30" even though it feels like it's "hopeless."  It's not!!

[angrythoughts]

7 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Oh I'm so sorry you are struggling!!! Can I give you a weird suggestion -it's fun and distracting -have you ever watched Sex and The City? It's about 30 something single women and it started in the late 90s (I am almost 57) -I just think you'll relate, you'll laugh -it helped me in my early 30s when I was unhappily single and even unhappily coupled.

I'm really sorry he ended things.  It's so hard.  I've been there (and in fact I married my ex-fiancee -broke up when we were in our early 30s -mostly me who wanted to end it -and got back together in our late 30s and married).  No I am NOT suggesting you two will reconcile just mean you're "only 30" even though it feels like it's "hopeless."  It's not!!

I’ll give the show a chance. Thanks. I am desperately praying to God, and I’m not even religious at all, that he will come back to me. I am absolutely pathetic right now. I throw up from all the panic and anxiety sometimes. It’s so bad. I feel like I should’ve done more to prevent this. Sorry I’m rambling. I’m really going through it right now and I have to live my life while not feeling like living. 

[Batya33]

16 minutes ago, angrythoughts said:

I’ll give the show a chance. Thanks. I am desperately praying to God, and I’m not even religious at all, that he will come back to me. I am absolutely pathetic right now. I throw up from all the panic and anxiety sometimes. It’s so bad. I feel like I should’ve done more to prevent this. Sorry I’m rambling. I’m really going through it right now and I have to live my life while not feeling like living. 

Do you have a professional or trusted advisor you can turn to ? Why do you want him back if he’s ready to walk away like that ?  What will have changed ?

[angrythoughts]

27 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Do you have a professional or trusted advisor you can turn to ? Why do you want him back if he’s ready to walk away like that ?  What will have changed ?

I’m hoping he would just make more of an effort because he wants to. That’s all I’d want from him. And yes I started seeing a therapist. Going to see her again tomorrow morning. Not sure how helpful it is but it’s a start. 

[SooSad33]

8 hours ago, angrythoughts said:

I’m also 30 years old and I can’t help but to feel hopeless. Like maybe I’m too old to find love and there’s no one out there for me. 
 

I don’t know what to do to move on. Even having done this before many times I don’t have the recipe to move on. I’m older now. Back then I’d go out, party, and meet people constantly. But now I don’t want to do all that. I don’t know how I’ll meet people. I’m a very sociable person but I really feel so hopeless.

Right, atm you feel so hopeless, because of the circumstances and you're grieving 😞 . 

Believe me, you've got many good years ahead of you at 30!  I was heading into my 2nd long term relationship at 30 ( and had 2 more kids in that one).

Okay, so you don't party anymore, only because YOU have changed over time in that aspect.

For now, don't even worry about 'meeting someone new'.  That'll come around, eventually.  When you're more yourself again, but that's not for a while yet.

Your nerves are shot, hence throwing up & your anxieties. I know, awful 😕 .  Been there & had to go see my doctor for something to help me with that.

See all of this as your emotions are going rampid.  But it won't stay this way.

Good, you're seeing a prof ( therapy),  Give that time, I also did therapy over a good, long stretch.  She helped me work through my emotions and life events that caused me havoc.

Basically go one day at a time.  As that's all you've got.

As for wanting him back, that will most likely change as well in the next few mos.  At this time, yes you'd give a limb to have him take you back... But, damage is done and he made his choice. ( inside, I'm sure you hold some hate, as it's a really deep emotion, due to your pains....).

Anyways, you can get through this, in time.  Many of us have. 😉 

In time, you need to turn your focus onto yourself and learn to love & respect yourself and I feel, you will come to realize you do NOT want him back!

One day at a time.  TC . Stick around, you're not alone.

 

 

 

[angrythoughts]

2 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

Right, atm you feel so hopeless, because of the circumstances and you're grieving 😞 . 

Believe me, you've got many good years ahead of you at 30!  I was heading into my 2nd long term relationship at 30 ( and had 2 more kids in that one).

Okay, so you don't party anymore, only because YOU have changed over time in that aspect.

For now, don't even worry about 'meeting someone new'.  That'll come around, eventually.  When you're more yourself again, but that's not for a while yet.

Your nerves are shot, hence throwing up & your anxieties. I know, awful 😕 .  Been there & had to go see my doctor for something to help me with that.

See all of this as your emotions are going rampid.  But it won't stay this way.

Good, you're seeing a prof ( therapy),  Give that time, I also did therapy over a good, long stretch.  She helped me work through my emotions and life events that caused me havoc.

Basically go one day at a time.  As that's all you've got.

As for wanting him back, that will most likely change as well in the next few mos.  At this time, yes you'd give a limb to have him take you back... But, damage is done and he made his choice. ( inside, I'm sure you hold some hate, as it's a really deep emotion, due to your pains....).

Anyways, you can get through this, in time.  Many of us have. 😉 

In time, you need to turn your focus onto yourself and learn to love & respect yourself and I feel, you will come to realize you do NOT want him back!

One day at a time.  TC . Stick around, you're not alone.

 

 

 

I’m trying. I am solo traveling right now and I feel I’m at an all time low. I feel like I’m not attractive enough to find a partner at this age and I’m starting to feel super insecure. All these feelings are feelings I haven’t had before. It’s just going downhill. 

[Batya33]

15 minutes ago, angrythoughts said:

I’m trying. I am solo traveling right now and I feel I’m at an all time low. I feel like I’m not attractive enough to find a partner at this age and I’m starting to feel super insecure. All these feelings are feelings I haven’t had before. It’s just going downhill. 

What age ? 30?  That’s a perfect age. You’re feelings are so typical after such a shock and loss. It takes time and I feel for you ! (Lol when I was 42 and carrying around 37 pounds of baby in my 3rd trimester and wearing a pretty engagement ring a guy in line for popcorn at a movie flirted with me.
From age 30 to 39 I dated many men including really hot /handsome guys and men who were very into me and serious about me. I could have lied about my age.  I never did.
Started dating my husband when I turned 39. Do you really want someone around your age who wants only early 20 somethings and thinks 30 is too old?? They don’t seem like true relationship material and you say you want to meet the one. 
I hope you feel better !

[Andrina]

The first four to six months after a LTR breakup are the worst. But it's a necessary stage to gradually move to get to the healing part, which will come if you treat yourself right. Don't even think about a future man right now. You need to work to fulfill yourself solo for now, instead of trying to use another man as a band-aid and fix-all for your hurts.

Many people, including myself, had first failed marriages and went back into the dating world in our forties, fifties, and beyond. Being older and wiser, with some relationship experience under our belts, we were able to choose better partners the second time around.

You can change that negative reel whirling around your brain. If you don't, it will be a self-fulfilling prophesy, and self-sabotage. Instead of thinking you'll never find anyone, you can change that to: I don't know how long it will take, the hows and whens, but I'll practice smart dating and it will eventually happen. Instead of telling yourself you're unattractive, practice being thankful for everything your body can do. That you have two legs to get you from A to B, like you're doing now with traveling. I know that when I've done yoga, I felt like I appreciate my body more, imperfect as it is. But I don't expect perfection in my partner, and can see he doesn't expect perfection in me. What you think a partner expects is in your mind only.

I hope you can find some enjoyment in your travels. Good luck and keep us in the loop.

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, angrythoughts said:

Not to mention the extreme stress that comes with having to move out and figure out where I’m moving to. I wish there was a pill to cure this kind of thing. 

Sorry this is happening. How long do you have to move out? Is it his place or do you co-lease? Please focus on finding a nice place, either with housemates or your own. That's the first step.

Please finally see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. You have a long history of untreated depression and anxiety. Get some tests done. It's great you're going to therapy for ongoing support. 

Try not to focus on your age or jumping into another relationship. Focus on getting your health and wellbeing in better condition. 

[angrythoughts]

51 minutes ago, Andrina said:

The first four to six months after a LTR breakup are the worst. But it's a necessary stage to gradually move to get to the healing part, which will come if you treat yourself right. Don't even think about a future man right now. You need to work to fulfill yourself solo for now, instead of trying to use another man as a band-aid and fix-all for your hurts.

Many people, including myself, had first failed marriages and went back into the dating world in our forties, fifties, and beyond. Being older and wiser, with some relationship experience under our belts, we were able to choose better partners the second time around.

You can change that negative reel whirling around your brain. If you don't, it will be a self-fulfilling prophesy, and self-sabotage. Instead of thinking you'll never find anyone, you can change that to: I don't know how long it will take, the hows and whens, but I'll practice smart dating and it will eventually happen. Instead of telling yourself you're unattractive, practice being thankful for everything your body can do. That you have two legs to get you from A to B, like you're doing now with traveling. I know that when I've done yoga, I felt like I appreciate my body more, imperfect as it is. But I don't expect perfection in my partner, and can see he doesn't expect perfection in me. What you think a partner expects is in your mind only.

I hope you can find some enjoyment in your travels. Good luck and keep us in the loop.

My mental state is so shot right now that it’s hard to be rational and tell myself these things. It’s like my world has flipped upside down and the one person that I’d want comfort from can’t give me that. I’m out here traveling and it’s like I’m not even here. Like I’m a floating shell of a human just merely existing. I’m not sure I’ll even remember details from today. 
 

30 really isn’t old… but I feel like others might think so, and it worries me. 😞

[angrythoughts]

50 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. How long do you have to move out? Is it his place or do you co-lease? Please focus on finding a nice place, either with housemates or your own. That's the first step.

Please finally see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. You have a long history of untreated depression and anxiety. Get some tests done. It's great you're going to therapy for ongoing support. 

Try not to focus on your age or jumping into another relationship. Focus on getting your health and wellbeing in better condition. 

I don’t even want to think about the moving out but I have till whenever. 
 

i figured my anxiety and depression were circumstantial, usually at an all time high when it comes to my relationships.

I want to get my health in better condition but I’m struggling with how to do so. I literally don’t want to do anything. The fact that I’m outside walking is beyond me. 
 

I’ll try to focus on other things but my brain spirals out of control and into very dark places. It’s tough.

[shouldhavelearned]

30 is young

Be strong and build yourself up. 

Take some time off and who knows what will happen 

[Iwishiwasahologram]

On 7/20/2023 at 5:43 AM, angrythoughts said:

I’ve been through breakups before, especially after long periods of time. This hits different though because we live together. It’s been 5 days but I am really struggling. I’m also 30 years old and I can’t help but to feel hopeless. Like maybe I’m too old to find love and there’s no one out there for me. 
 

I don’t know what to do to move on. Even having done this before many times I don’t have the recipe to move on. I’m older now. Back then I’d go out, party, and meet people constantly. But now I don’t want to do all that. I don’t know how I’ll meet people. I’m a very sociable person but I really feel so hopeless.

Not to mention the extreme stress that comes with having to move out and figure out where I’m moving to. That home is no longer my home. The life I lived is no longer. I seriously feel so horrible. I just want uplifting advice. I’m in a place right now where I’m a total grim reaper and I feel like this is the end of the road for me.

 

I wish there was a pill to cure this kind of thing.

I'm so sorry your going through this. I'm in a similar position. It will get better.

[Cat1203]

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’m going through a similar thing my ex said he fell out of love with me, how are you getting on now?