What’s next?

[bluecastle]

11 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

thoughts?

 

Things repaired with your daughter? Anything you can do or plan today to address that rift? When was the last time you read a novel that moved and challenged you? Any once important books that you haven't cracked open in a while? Is there a town within a two hour drive from you that you've never been to? A path you've never walked? You a movie guy? The new Mission Impossible looks fun, and if you've got an art house theater in the vicinity I highly recommend Past Lives.

My "thoughts," in short, is that the above, or some version, should be what is on your mind right now, even if it means forcing it a bit. 

[Whirling D]

1 minute ago, Seraphim said:

Please don’t ask her about her miscarriage. It is devastating. I have had 4 and after one I was severely depressed for at least 5 years. I now have medical trauma and my PTSD for medical procedures is off the charts. Don’t bring trauma back up.  

Thank you for your encouragement. I guess that’s a good point and a good strategy.  That is what I will likely do… Refrain from inquiring.

but just for a matter of conversation, it was right around the time she told me about her miscarriage that I was telling her how I lost my career in 2017 in a very not so flattering way. She empathized with me and we talked about it at great length, and the next day I was worried that she would not find the stories I told her flattering. Thankfully, the next morning she told me that she doesn’t think that’s what I told her the night before made any difference as to how she felt. That made me feel validated, but I’m not really sure that my stories don’t add to her confusion, because in our cultural environment… Success means achievement, failure means losers. If you know what I mean.

so, if she was to say to me in the next week, “tell me more about how it was for you when you lost your career… What did you go through and how did you manage to get through that?“ I would be hugely flattered that she wanted to connect like that on what was arguably the darkest time of my life… Arguably even worse than when I got divorced.

so, and I’m not saying this is true or right, but I think talking about the subject may vary from person to person. I think some people would value having somebody that they wanna connect with ask them more about trauma like this, and others that may not care for it.  And yes, I’m sure that it’s not an equal comparison to compare losing a child to losing a career. I do understand that.

I get the impression that she wouldn’t think it is a big deal if I asked her again about it, because I think that she knows and trusts but I am just trying to connect with her in a deeper way.  But I have no real way of knowing that, other than the vibe I have gotten from talking about other difficult things like that.

but I’ll refrain from talking about it, one way or the other. Thank you for the nudge.

 

[rainbowsandroses]

15 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

But let’s try to not make how I experience this lady into something “dangerous and toxic”.

It was/is my opinion which I stand by for a variety of reasons.  

Some of which you confirmed in your response but I'll let you figure that out.  Which despite all the great feedback from everyone you'll end up doing anyway.

Which is fine.  Read the feedback, absorb it, allow it to marinate, then do what's best and right for you. 

If that means continuing to date (assuming she doesn't end it) and remaining in this anxious ambivalent state indefinitely, so be. 

There are some people who are only comfortable when things are uncomfortable.

You may be one, who knows.

Take care.

 

 

 

 

.

[Batya33]

10 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

I think everybody operates with different ratios of care versus self interest, and I know that in relation to this relationship, my self absorption has been very high, and that’s due to the anxiety of impending loss, and the dread I would/feel if and when this thing tanks… And I would feel devastated, for all the reasons I’ve talked about endlessly from even before when I met this lady.

I'm never referring to the obvious truth of people are individuals and most are not altruistic of course -that's very very rare. But besides my point -I was referring to your specific interactions you mentioned and I think the two you mentioned are far more weighted towards self-interest/self-absorption than caring.  Obviously most people have some self-interest including when they give charity/do volunteer work/call a friend who needs them/helps a stranger.  I don't waste my time writing about the obvious generalities - that's just plain ole common sense.

I get you would feel devastated - maybe more so than the average person.  That's on you -not her burden. It's not due to the anxiety- it's due to your choice to get involved despite knowing the high risk to yourself of devastation.  I chose to get pregnant at almost 42 despite the extremely high risk that I would have been absolutely devastated if I lost the baby. 

This meant I had higher anxiety than let's say a 20 something with average risk of complications who'd already gotten pregnant and carried babies to term -I'd imagine she would have felt less anxious than me - imagine - I mean maybe she'd have felt even worse but I venture a guess just from how I hear normally fertile 20 and early 30 somethings go on about pregnancy with a far far more casual attitude than I had with my geriatric high risk pregnancy and my one and only shot at motherhood.  You feel this is sorta like your one and only shot at love. 

So I think it's a perfectly good analogy (other than I had more science on my side that it truly could be my one and only shot while some of yours is manufactured with these notions of "high value" etc)

Please don't make it her issue or dismiss it as "everybody operates with care vs. self interest".

[Whirling D]

5 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

Things repaired with your daughter? Anything you can do or plan today to address that rift? When was the last time you read a novel that moved and challenged you? Any once important books that you haven't cracked open in a while? Is there a town within a two hour drive from you that you've never been to? A path you've never walked? You a movie guy? The new Mission Impossible looks fun, and if you've got an art house theater in the vicinity I highly recommend Past Lives.

My "thoughts," in short, is that the above, or some version, should be what is on your mind right now, even if it means forcing it a bit. 

Thanks, blue, I am sitting in a café right now just chilling for a bit.

Thank you about asking about my daughter… She is a very complicated kid, and her mental health challenges can make things change on a dime. She is highly triggered by her mother, who often goes head to head with her. Me, not so much. So, I was in the middle of the rift the other day, but as soon as she left the presence of her mother, she started to settle down and things have been pretty good since. Thanks again for asking.

Interestingly, I was raised within a family and a culture that didn’t promote reading. I think I’ve only read about three or four novels in my entire life. I read other stuff voraciously, and two of the three novels that I read where when we were transferred to the US in Middle School. That was pretty much it… then we moved back to Canada, and reading novels in high school in Canada was nonexistent in those days.

I am probably ADHD, because I can’t sit still long enough to read novels, or to watch movies.  That was troubling to my ex-wife and daughter, because they would sit in front of the TV all night every night, and I just couldn’t do it. Even the doctor lady wanted to sit in front of the TV at my house last weekend, and I sat and watched a couple of episodes of a series that she liked. I enjoyed it, and she seemed tickled when I asked her to not watch any more until we were hanging out together so I could watch it with her. A very sweet and validating smile came over her face… Kind of like “wow, how cool, you will sit and watch this with me?”.  
 

Sometimes, at night, she tells me not to call her after 8 PM, because she wants to watch the bachelor… Under my breath I just go, “ugh”.  It’s not that I hate shows like that, because I’ve watched shows like that in the past. It’s just that where I am in my current head, I just don’t have any interest in sitting down and watching a show that I don’t connect with any longer. We did talk about that, although I didn’t use those Words, but I told her I’d probably be happy to sit and play guitar there beside her when she’s watching, or work on my iPad or something and that was no different for the last few lady friends I’ve had, and even my daughter. I will sit there with them and just do my own thing while they watch TV, and occasionally I’ll glance over and talk about what’s going on in the program, and they still feel a sense of connection when we do that. So that’s good.

i’ll have a lot to do this weekend, so I’ll be able to keep myself busy and occupied. Doesn’t mean I won’t be thinking about her and wondering about all of these things, although I should probably get off of this platform soon and start to concentrate on other things. There are times I think writing on here exacerbates the anxiety, because it’s not allowing my mind to go elsewhere, where it would likely be much more productive.  That’s one of the reasons that I often delete these posts and disappear for a week or two. That usually means I’m not obsessing as much and I’m busy doing other things.

[Wiseman2]

17 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

 even before when I met this lady.

That's the key. She can't fix or rescue you from yourself. 

[Seraphim]

14 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

Thank you for your encouragement. I guess that’s a good point and a good strategy.  That is what I will likely do… Refrain from inquiring.

but just for a matter of conversation, it was right around the time she told me about her miscarriage that I was telling her how I lost my career in 2017 in a very not so flattering way. She empathized with me and we talked about it at great length, and the next day I was worried that she would not find the stories I told her flattering. Thankfully, the next morning she told me that she doesn’t think that’s what I told her the night before made any difference as to how she felt. That made me feel validated, but I’m not really sure that my stories don’t add to her confusion, because in our cultural environment… Success means achievement, failure means losers. If you know what I mean.

so, if she was to say to me in the next week, “tell me more about how it was for you when you lost your career… What did you go through and how did you manage to get through that?“ I would be hugely flattered that she wanted to connect like that on what was arguably the darkest time of my life… Arguably even worse than when I got divorced.

so, and I’m not saying this is true or right, but I think talking about the subject may vary from person to person. I think some people would value having somebody that they wanna connect with ask them more about trauma like this, and others that may not care for it.  And yes, I’m sure that it’s not an equal comparison to compare losing a child to losing a career. I do understand that.

I get the impression that she wouldn’t think it is a big deal if I asked her again about it, because I think that she knows and trusts but I am just trying to connect with her in a deeper way.  But I have no real way of knowing that, other than the vibe I have gotten from talking about other difficult things like that.

but I’ll refrain from talking about it, one way or the other. Thank you for the nudge.

 

There is NO validation in the loss of a baby. You feel your body failed, you feel like a failure as a mother that you couldn’t protect your baby. You have no baby because it is dead. You remember forever that your baby is dead. You wonder who they would have been and what they would have achieved. It is forever loss. My friend lost her baby girl at full term 48 years ago. On that day she locks herself up at home and cries. 
 

I will forever miss my son. It was 15 years ago this year he died.  It brings tears to my eyes and heart to even have to write this . 
 

Losing children is a pain like no other. People shouldn’t lose their children, but they do and a piece of you heart is gone forever . 

[Whirling D]

1 minute ago, Seraphim said:

There is NO validation in the loss of a baby. You feel your body failed, you feel like a failure as a mother that you couldn’t protect your baby. You have no baby because it is dead. You remember forever that your baby is dead. You wonder who they would have been and what they would have achieved. It is forever loss. My friend lost her baby girl at full term 48 years ago. On that day she locks herself up at home and cries. 
 

I will forever miss my son. It was 15 years ago this year he died. 
 

Losing children is a pain like no other. People shouldn’t lose their children, but they do and a piece of you heart is gone forever . 

I can only imagine. I’m sorry to hear that you suffered from that.

That is one of the reasons that my tendency would be to want to ask her about it again, because I would find value in sharing that pain, if it could even lower that burden for her, if even only for a short while.

Beyond what people on here might think, I consider myself highly empathetic, and I do feel other’s pain quite acutely.

it’s just harder to do that right now when I am wallowing and feeling a potential impending loss. Or self-destruction, however you wanna look at it.

[TacticalLinguine]

6 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

There is NO validation in the loss of a baby. You feel your body failed, you feel like a failure as a mother that you couldn’t protect your baby. You have no baby because it is dead. You remember forever that your baby is dead. You wonder who they would have been and what they would have achieved. It is forever loss. My friend lost her baby girl at full term 48 years ago. On that day she locks herself up at home and cries. 
 

I will forever miss my son. It was 15 years ago this year he died.  It brings tears to my eyes and heart to even have to write this . 
 

Losing children is a pain like no other. People shouldn’t lose their children, but they do and a piece of you heart is gone forever . 

Big hugs, Seraphim❤️

Sending love your way. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Whirling D said:

I can only imagine. I’m sorry to hear that you suffered from that.

That is one of the reasons that my tendency would be to want to ask her about it again, because I would find value in sharing that pain, if it could even lower that burden for her, if even only for a short while.

Beyond what people on here might think, I consider myself highly empathetic, and I do feel other’s pain quite acutely.

it’s just harder to do that right now when I am wallowing and feeling a potential impending loss. Or self-destruction, however you wanna look at it.

No I don't believe it would.  I think you'd risk dredging up extremely painful memories for her. Please do not despite how empathetic you feel you are. Not about the death of her child.

[rainbowsandroses]

3 hours ago, Whirling D said:

she did tell me a sad story about 10 days ago about her losing a baby once during a miscarriage event.  I think I’m going to want to ask her about that again… To get more of a feel of what she experienced.  I think I brought up the topic of how she felt about not having kids for a second time… We had talked about it before, But I think I want to ask her about her miscarriage again… Just to try to get it further feel of what kind of impact it had on her, and may still.

I can't help but sense you want to ask more for YOU than for her.  To somehow score points with her, to show her how "empathetic" you are and thus draw her closer.

It sounds manipulative to me and if I were her, I would feel manipulated by it.  

The time to have asked (to show caring and empathy) would have been right then and there after she mentioned it.  NOT 10 days later when you feel her drifting and you're scrambling to find ways to pull her back. 

I think this is what @Batya33meant when posting many of your actions appear self-focused.  A strategy to pull her in to seek reassurance for yourself and alleviate YOUR anxiety.  

Please consider this and everything posted versus rationalizing, justifying and reacting defensively. 

IBTD.

[MissCanuck]

4 hours ago, Whirling D said:

my natural tendency, which is what I did a couple of weeks ago, was to say to her within the first little while seeing her next… “So, Dr. lady… How are we doing right about now? Is there anything on your mind that Has been troubling you or you wanna talk about?”

I am wondering now if I should say something like that to her when I see her next,

Do you not trust that she knows how to use her own voice and approach you (of her own volition) if there is something she wants to discuss? 

This is going to look less like a caring gesture and a lot more like you seeking reassurace to soothe your own anxiety. Stop with this. 

[rainbowsandroses]

>>"So Dr. lady… How are we doing right about now? Is there anything on your mind that Has been troubling you or you wanna talk about?”

Missed this earlier but Whirling this^ is cringeworthy.  You sound like a parent speaking to a child.  It's what my dad used to ask me when I was 10 and appeared to him to be quiet and sad. 

Coming from a boyfriend it sounds patronizing, condescending and manipulative, sorry. 

49 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Stop with this. 

Agree!  

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Whirling D said:

… Maybe I’m just more prone now to pointing out the things that I think might be factors that will bring this thing down hard

You're both trying to make a connection and sure, who wants to grow old alone? However the main factors that will eventually bring this down is the socioeconomic discrepancy.

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

You sound like a parent speaking to a child.  It's what my dad used to ask me when I was 10 and appeared to him to be quiet and sad. 

And I bet it didn't inspire you to open up even then lol because 10 year olds are smart and don't like stuff pried out of them especially if they're just being quiet and introspective (at least he didn't say -like my grandpa used to say to me - hey "smile!").   I am guilty of asking my son if he seems unusually quiet -just "hey are you ok?" - but our dynamic is such that he might not be ready to tell me but most of the time he wants to tell me.  I also feel I have to ask because with him quiet can mean coming down with something so I check in like if he has school that day or a plan, etc.  

[Whirling D]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

And I bet it didn't inspire you to open up even then lol because 10 year olds are smart and don't like stuff pried out of them especially if they're just being quiet and introspective (at least he didn't say -like my grandpa used to say to me - hey "smile!").   I am guilty of asking my son if he seems unusually quiet -just "hey are you ok?" - but our dynamic is such that he might not be ready to tell me but most of the time he wants to tell me.  I also feel I have to ask because with him quiet can mean coming down with something so I check in like if he has school that day or a plan, etc.  

There has been many times that the doctor lady has noticed me suddenly get quiet or looking around, and she’ll say, “what are you thinking about now”, or, “where did you just go”.

sensitive people like her and I notice when something changes, and many might believe that it’s healthy to actually proactively ask their partner, if anything is on their mind. I would not at all find it cringe worthy if, and when she said something like that to me. I would think it was thoughtful. If she thinks I’m troubled by something, I would encourage her to ask. That’s kind of transparency in a relationship is built upon.

 

[Whirling D]

Yeah, I have spent a good chunk of the afternoon feeling depressed and devalued. I can’t let go of a lot of the things that have happened. Just not sure it’s in my head, or I should feel devalued.
 

I was reading on a Facebook posting of a lady that said her daughters boyfriend didn’t like the fact that she was wearing short shorts and halter tops, and he was telling her that he didn’t like it, and even offered to take her out to buy her clothes that he thought would be more appropriate.

The general responses on that posting were horrified that the boy had the nerve to try to control or change the girl he was dating to his own wishes.

I have to say, I feel the same thing about the hair conversation. I know I’m bringing up the same topic, but I just can’t seem to let that one go. To me, it does feel controlling. It’s almost as if she was suddenly trying to say, I’m not going to approve of you unless you do this or that. That’s a dealbreaker for me, as it was, for almost every one who replied on my Facebook posting. There was almost nobody that empathized with the boy who wanted, the girl to change her clothing. They all said it was his problem. He was trying to control her, and it was only going to get worse, and she should dump him right away. 

That Facebook conversation reverberated in my head, but I still can’t find clarity as to whether or not I’m making way more of a big deal of it and it should be, and perhaps I’m looking for reasons to self destruct. It doesn’t feel that way my gut. I feel like I was disrespected.  I just do, whether right or wrong. 

[rainbowsandroses]

21 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

There has been many times that the doctor lady has noticed me suddenly get quiet or looking around, and she’ll say, “what are you thinking about now”, or, “where did you just go”.

sensitive people like her and I notice when something changes, and many might believe that it’s healthy to actually proactively ask their partner, if anything is on their mind. I would not at all find it cringe worthy if, and when she said something like that to me. I would think it was thoughtful. If she thinks I’m troubled by something, I would encourage her to ask. That’s kind of transparency in a relationship is built upon.

 

OK fair enough, but the way you worded it- "how are we doing right now"?  Sounds condescending at least to me.  There are better ways such as simply asking if she's okay.  

You are free to ignore it, jmo as an objective observer and putting myself in her shoes receiving the comment and some others you've made. 

Which basically all point to the same thing. You seeking reassurance and alleviating your anxiety. 

It would not surprise me if she feels this way too and I'm sorry you're unable to see it yourself. 

Carry on doing and saying what you want, this will be my last post.

Again, take care. 

 

 

[Whirling D]

And then there’s the thought that my daughter and my ex-wife just got back from a cruise, and I asked her how much she figured her mother spent on a cruise, which is really none of my business, but I was curious… And my daughter said she thought it cost them over $6000.
 

My entire savings is only four times that amount, so I can only imagine when the Dr. Lady starts talking about wanting to go on a cruise, and I’ll be basically telling her, “not a chance for me.”

There was another posting somewhere, I think also on Facebook, and it was a discussion about what happens when one partner earns more than the other.  Almost 100% of the respondents say that they believed that both partners put all their money in one bank account and act as partners, regardless of who earned more. They said it was the only way to do it fairly.

I’m not saying that I agree, or not agree, but my ex-wife, and I pretty much did that. I had tons of more expenses than she did, but she earned slightly more than I did.  We pooled our money into a central bank account, and she took out a larger amount for her own little kitty, and I put a little bit in a kitty for myself.

I’m not really a spender, but maybe once in a while, I would buy something for my music interests… But other than that, the most I would ever really spend would be a Starbucks or something like that. I didn’t buy clothes, hardly ever, or shoes, only when needed. She bought lots more of that kind of stuff.

Even if the doctor lady and I did pool our money, it wouldn’t be much different. I wouldn’t go on spending sprees and go nuts just because I could. That’s not my interest. Of course, there would be times where things would happened, like my car might break down, or I might need another car. I don’t need a new expensive shiny car. I wouldn’t abuse her money like that.

Not sure what my point is other than I probably agree with wise that what will likely bring this down will be the socioeconomic difference, likely more than anything. She may want to live a more luxurious lifestyle and go on lots of trips, I won’t be able to do that. She even said that it would be fun to go traveling in an RV someday. I’ll never be able to contribute much to that. Unless I sell my house.

We did talk about that a while ago. She asked how I was going to manage as I became older, and I told her that I thought that with a partner, my financial situation and picture would be much different. I wouldn’t be paying my full mortgage and all my bills. It would be split a little bit more easily, which would give me a little bit of breathing room. She said that made sense.

Don’t really know what my point is, other than thinking out loud on here..

[Batya33]

14 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

There has been many times that the doctor lady has noticed me suddenly get quiet or looking around, and she’ll say, “what are you thinking about now”, or, “where did you just go”.

sensitive people like her and I notice when something changes, and many might believe that it’s healthy to actually proactively ask their partner, if anything is on their mind. I would not at all find it cringe worthy if, and when she said something like that to me. I would think it was thoughtful. If she thinks I’m troubled by something, I would encourage her to ask. That’s kind of transparency in a relationship is built upon.

 

But you’re not in person with her. I think a person can be incredibly compassionate and - choose to give a quiet person space. Either choice can show compassion. In your case you were asking it for you because you need reassurance by text. It’s different in person. Be sensitive to her needs to enjoy her weekend without having to type reassuring messages to you. 

[Batya33]

But are you thinking marriage?  If not pooling finances isn’t such a great idea. Also you and your ex had a child. We do the joint account and we each came into the marriage wiru separate investments so we also have separate accounts. We check in with each other if we want to spend more than X amount of money on something. Like he checked in with me about the new car he bought in 2020 - to replace our old car which he had before we married. 

[Whirling D]

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

But you’re not in person with her. I think a person can be incredibly compassionate and - choose to give a quiet person space. Either choice can show compassion. In your case you were asking it for you because you need reassurance by text. It’s different in person. Be sensitive to her needs to enjoy her weekend without having to type reassuring messages to you. 

You may have misunderstood, bat.  I wasn’t imagining saying that to her by text. I was wondering if I should say that to her next time I see her.

About three weeks ago, I felt the same kind of tension, and I didn’t see her for the whole week, but I could feel that something seemed to have changed, so, within the first half an hour of seeing her, I asked her if something had been on her mind, in almost the same words I suggested above. 

She was highly appreciative that I brought it up and was willing to talk about it. She was upset about a few things, and one of them is about how my daughter got into my car that night, and was disruptive and rude. We talked about it, and she said that she was very happy that she was with someone that was willing to be sensitive to her feelings and could talk about things thoughtfully. 

And yes, from one perspective, you could say that it was manipulation on my part to ask her that, because, yes, I was worried that she was mad at me for something. If that makes me manipulative, then I guess so be it. It also makes me someone that wanted to get to the bottom of why things might have been changing. That’s for both of us, as well. 

All was well that ended well that day. I’m not sure I’m going to use the same strategy this time around, but I can’t say. I’m kind of bursting at the seams to talk about those things I mentioned above… The hair conversation. Me telling her whether we’re going to have to decide whether I can fit into her life, etc.  But, who knows, maybe it’s best I just shut my mouth and try to enjoy my time with her next. That’s probably what blue and wise would say. 🙂

 

[Whirling D]

9 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

But are you thinking marriage?  If not pooling finances isn’t such a great idea. Also you and your ex had a child. We do the joint account and we each came into the marriage wiru separate investments so we also have separate accounts. We check in with each other if we want to spend more than X amount of money on something. Like he checked in with me about the new car he bought in 2020 - to replace our old car which he had before we married. 

Same. I wouldn’t ever dream of asking to pool money with the doctor lady if we didn’t get married. I’m talking about later on if that was the case. 

[Wiseman2]

46 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

  She asked how I was going to manage as I became older, and I told her that I thought that with a partner, my financial situation and picture would be much different. I wouldn’t be paying my full mortgage and all my bills. 

Does she think you're looking for someone to support you?

[Whirling D]

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Does she think you're looking for someone to support you?

I wouldn’t think so, wise… Based on many of the conversations that we have had.
 

I get the impression that she is starting to think I am stubborn, and with the hair thing, perhaps even inflexible by her standards.  I think that in order to come to that conclusion accurately, one would have to fully understand the concepts of the other, and truthfully, I can’t yet say whether she does.
 

She does say that she comes from a more “traditional” background… Which is much less “progressive” then my thinking patterns tend to be, so I know that likely plays a part of it.

For example, she has said several times that she has always believed, by tradition, that the man pays for dates. That may very well be why she doesn’t question me forking out the cash pretty much every time we go out. Mind you, she does other thoughtful things for me. She has made me dinner two three times (mostly these very expensive pre-prepared packages, which are actually pretty good) and breakfasts, and I have done the same. So in that regard, it’s pretty equal. 

I think she sees me as being fairly self-sufficient, or perhaps she is starting to see me as a bit too much self-sufficient.  I think it probably made her think differently when she came to my house, and saw how much of me is embedded into this house, or how much of my kid was a part of this house. I don’t think she felt hugely confident that I was going to be able to break away from that. She may be right, at least in the short run.

There is certainly a possibility that, perhaps, even subconsciously, she sees me a bit as a pet project… Someone that she thinks has so much potential, and with the right dial in, maybe I will become more than she might think I am.

If that is the case, and there is a bit of evidence pointing to that, her and I will never work. I can’t, and won’t be someone’s project. No differently than she could probably never be a pet project of mine, but because of her positions in society, that would never happen. Her role in society is well regarded, and respected, and mine is disrespected. Continuously. That’s a cultural bias. And that’s my opinion, of course.