Nervous for a date

[Jaunty]

4 hours ago, dias said:

55 pages. Damn, not even a nuclear war would have been discussed this much. 

That's because we have our priorities in order around here.

[rainbowsandroses]

16 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I guess I feel so strange. Like he and I don't have much to talk about and there's so much sexual tension. All I message him is flirty stuff, making plans, and check ins

So the way I'm reading this, in between dates, you're not talking much, nothing substantial anyway, in text messages.

Do you talk in person on your dates? 

I also noticed you both enjoy watching movies, every date you've had has involved watching a movie at your place. 

I'm curious about this. Is it because there's not much to talk about and watching movies serves as a distraction to avoid the discomfort of not having much talk to about? 

Or do you watch movies to avoid talking, getting to know each other and building an emotional connection? 

What happens once the movie is over? 

Do you put on some music and enjoy simply being together? 

Again, talking, laughing, engaging, getting to know, building connection?  All the things new couples typically do?

Or does he just leave?

With the exception of last Thursday wherein after the movie, you ran errands with him and went out to eat. 

Did you talk on that date, while you were out and about? 

I don't know, not even speculating.

I'm simply asking as I am sensing a discomfort on your part, as you called it, feeling "strange."

Are you happy?

Happy with the way your relationship has been developing?

I hope you will return to answer the questions presented so we can help you navigate this. 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Alex39 said:

we want to get married, have kids, where we want to live is the same, home,  similar lifestyle and values.

This seems like a strange conversation given that he's recently divorced and told you he "lives in a ghetto".  It almost seems like you're driving these types of conversations and he's simply nodding.

[boltnrun]

I'm sure he'd rather live in your home than his current "ghetto" apartment.

[Alex39]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

So the way I'm reading this, in between dates, you're not talking much, nothing substantial anyway, over text.

Do you talk in person on your dates? 

I also noticed you both enjoy watching movies, every date you've had has involved watching a movie at your place. 

I'm curious about this. Is it because there's not much to talk about and watching movies serves as a distraction to avoid the discomfort of not having much talk to about? 

Or do you watch movies to avoid talking, getting to know each other and building an emotional connection? 

What happens once the movie is over? 

Do you put on some music and enjoy simply being together? 

Again, talking, laughing, engaging, getting to know, building connection?  All the things new couples typically do?

Or does he just leave?

With the exception of last Thursday wherein after the movie, you ran errands with him and went out to eat. 

Did you talk on that date, while you were out and about? 

I don't know, not even speculating.

I'm simply asking as I am sensing a discomfort on your part, as you called it, feeling "strange."

Are you happy?

Happy with the way your relationship has been developing?

I hope you will return to answer the questions presented so we can help you navigate this. 

Nothing too substantial over text. Sometimes we hit it off on something. Talking about the camping trip and such. A lot of it is just checking in. 

Last Thursday we talked on the date and it was great. He asked me questions about me and stuff. We talked back and forth. 

We both enjoy movies and cuddling. His job is labor heavy, so he likes to just chill out some nights. He's tired. I was tired from my trip. So it worked to just lay around. 

He usually comes over, we talk for a little while, then we watch the movie and make out occasionally during it cuddling. I want to keep building a connection and growing. We chat a bit at the end of the movie and he leaves soon after. 

He suggested we do a stayover Saturday. We watch out favorite movies with snacks and it sounded more fun.  And we'll have more time together where we won't be tired and worn out. 

[rainbowsandroses]

Thanks for responding.

So then, what is it you feel so strange about?  Your word, not mine.

28 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

He usually comes over, we talk for a little while, then we watch the movie and make out occasionally during it cuddling. I want to keep building a connection and growing. We chat a bit at the end of the movie and he leaves soon after. 

Does it bother/hurt you that he leaves soon after? While you want to keep building the connection?

Yesterday for example, based on the time you posted (your time), he left late afternoon/early evening after the movie. 

Is he emotionally available enough for you?

Again, simply asking.

I asked if you were happy with the way the relationship has been developing but you didn't answer. 

Are you?

 

 

 

 

[boltnrun]

So no more actual dates? Just sitting on your couch every time?

I could see how that would get stale. 

[Wiseman2]

28 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

He suggested we do a stayover Saturday. we'll have more time together where we won't be tired and worn out. 

That's fine, especially if he works M-F and it's a 30 min drive for him.  As long as you're both ready for it. Can't you two get take out once in a while? If you're hosting maybe he could spring for something?

[rainbowsandroses]

38 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I have this card game that is questions to really get to know someone. I was thinking of suggesting we play some time soon. Just for fun! 

Alex, jmo but if you need to play a card game to get to know each other, my advice is call it a day.

When it's right betwern two people, it shouldn't be this difficult or feel forced.

Again just my opinion.

That said, give it more time and see what happens.  

[Alex39]

16 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Thanks for responding.

So then, what is it you feel so strange about?  Your word, not mine.

Does it bother/hurt you that he leaves soon after? While you want to keep building the connection?

Is he emotionally available enough for you?

Again, simply asking.

I asked if you were happy with the way the relationship has been developing but you didn't answer. 

 

 

 

 

I'm happy with him. I feel like we are at a plateau. That we've gotten to know each other decently well,but now it's slowing down and we are in the can't keep our hands off each other phase. Which I love too. I don't think it's necessarily him. I think part of this might be me too. That I'm slowly getting nervous, quiet, scared to be myself. 

[MrMan1983]

30 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I have this card game that is questions to really get to know someone. I was thinking of suggesting we play some time soon. Just for fun! 

Games are a great idea, more fun than sitting there quietly watching movies 👍🏻 I’ve got quite a few games and it’s always a good ice breaker. 

[MrMan1983]

1 minute ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Alex, if you need to play a card game to get to know each other, my advice is call it a day.

When it's right betwern two people, it shouldn't be this difficult.

I don’t really see a problem with it if she’s shy or feeling nervous, it could lead to other convos based on the topics plus games are fun. 

[rainbowsandroses]

4 minutes ago, MrMan1983 said:

I don’t really see a problem with it if she’s shy or feeling nervous, it could lead to other convos based on the topics plus games are fun. 

True, it was just my opinion.

I don't want to be negative so will refrain from further responding,

All the best Alex.  And hope it works out the way you hope.

[boltnrun]

Games are more fun than just sitting on the couch staring at the TV. I mean, I would prefer actually going out and doing something but maybe you two prefer to just stay in most of the time. 

[MrMan1983]

Just now, rainbowsandroses said:

True, it was just my opinion.

I don't want to be negative so will refrain from further resounding,

All the best Alex. 

I do see where you’re coming from too, I guess it depends why she’s nervous/clammed up. Is it because she likes him so much and has the jitters yet he’s being easy going/understanding still (eg. She’d be nervous with anyone she likes this much before calming down and opening up), or are there other reasons she doesn’t feel comfortable enough around him to open up 🤷🏼‍♂️  Game certainly wouldn’t hurt though 👍🏻 

[Alex39]

2 minutes ago, MrMan1983 said:

I do see where you’re coming from too, I guess it depends why she’s nervous/clammed up. Is it because she likes him so much and has the jitters yet he’s being easy going/understanding still (eg. She’d be nervous with anyone she likes this much before calming down and opening up), or are there other reasons she doesn’t feel comfortable enough around him to open up 🤷🏼‍♂️  Game certainly wouldn’t hurt though 👍🏻 

I like him so much and have the jitters. I don't want to mess it up. My brain turns to mush around him. I think I'm putting way too much pressure on myself to try and be getting to know him and ask him questions too. I think I'm putting pressure on myself to move things along and feel like a failure if I'm not. But I think it's all in my head potentially and just my own issue. 

 

[Alex39]

I do think we need to get out more and do things to bond together. He told me his money was tight this week, so we probably can't go out until next week. He was honest. But assured me that once he settles with a new work paycheck we can go out. 

[rainbowsandroses]

17 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I like him so much and have the jitters. I don't want to mess it up. My brain turns to mush around him. I think I'm putting way too much pressure on myself to try and be getting to know him and ask him questions too. I think I'm putting pressure on myself to move things along and feel like a failure if I'm not. But I think it's all in my head potentially and just my own issue. 

 

Fair enough, just don't lose sight of the possibility you may not be emotionally compatible.

You said you feel "so strange" because there's not much to talk about. 

OK that could be partly you, but what about the part where you want to talk and build the connection after the movie (which is understandable after nearly two months dating) and he just leaves? 

Even when it's still early enough to stay, make a bite to eat together and continue, well, just being together.

That's not about your nerves.  It's about you wanting to build the connection and he doesn't. 

Not in the same way you do and you NEED.

Yes card games are fun but they're not going to fix that.

I'm not suggesting you break up, just keep an eye on it, that's all. 

JMO.

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

. I think I'm putting pressure on myself to move things along and feel like a failure if I'm not. 

Agree. You claimed "you can be yourself around him", so why not just do that? If you two like in-house dates that's fine. Be yourself and try to stay away from checklists and impressing your friends.

Games, movies, whatever is fine, however try not to invest too much. Let him get take out or something. He keeps giving you the "I'm so broke" story, but has plenty of funds for partying with friends. 

Remember that you are dating and getting to know each other. You're not a soup kitchen. Please don't cook for him, unless he brings over the supplies.

 

[LootieTootie]

7 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I do think we need to get out more and do things to bond together. He told me his money was tight this week, so we probably can't go out until next week. He was honest. But assured me that once he settles with a new work paycheck we can go out. 

But that doesn't mean you can't go out and take a stroll, have a picnic, go to the lake/beach, go to a local museum, go window shopping, etc. This is where you speak up.

My husband and I used to do window shopping together, or we would go thrifting (my favorite pastime thing to do) or we just go for long walks. It was nice and if we stopped for food, it was always something very small that cost under $5.

[rainbowsandroses]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You're not a soup kitchen

Lol, this is true.

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please don't cook for him, unless he brings over the supplies.

How about they cook together?  Nothing elaborate.

That can be a great way to bond and have a great time while doing so!

Versus him just leaving?  WTH.

[Type O Negative]

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

I like him so much and have the jitters. I don't want to mess it up. My brain turns to mush around him. I think I'm putting way too much pressure on myself to try and be getting to know him and ask him questions too. I think I'm putting pressure on myself to move things along and feel like a failure if I'm not. But I think it's all in my head potentially and just my own issue. 

 

I was once, in 1999, age 29,  so madly, stupidly in love with someone that I'd literally loose my power of speech looking at him, listening to him talk. It  was just way way too much to process - he was that unbelievably, impossibly 'my kind of' stunning...my kind my of man who didn't want me to be his woman. I'd realise halfway though a conversation that I didn't get a single word he said because I was transfixed staring at  his hair, his eyes, the smile in them, his lips, hands, fingers. How much taller than me he was. 

And then there was his voice, his mannerisms, his smell, his way of twirling the glass of wine round and round, slowly. My god. Sigh. He was a rubbish cook and a brilliant bass guitarist.. 'Blair Witch Project' was one of million things we had in common. Shut the f up woman. This is 24 years ago now. 

Somehow I'm thinking this isn't what you're talking about...Alex? 

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

 we are in the can't keep our hands off each other phase. Which I love too

That's ok. He's staying over Saturday and if intimacy happens it's usually a bit nervous the first time. Try to relax and enjoy the journey. 

[MrMan1983]

8 minutes ago, Type O Negative said:

I was once, in 1999, age 29,  so madly, stupidly in love with someone that I'd literally loose my power of speech looking at him, listening to him talk. It  was just way way too much to process - he was that unbelievably, impossibly 'my kind of' stunning...my kind my of man who didn't want me to be his woman. I'd realise halfway though a conversation that I didn't get a single word he said because I was transfixed staring at  his eyes, EYES,  hair, HAIR, lips, LIPS,  hands, HANDS.

And then there was his voice, his mannerisms, his smell, his way of twirling the glass of wine round and round, slowly. My god. Sigh. He was a rubbish cook and a brilliant bass guitarist..

Somehow I'm thinking this isn't what you're is talking about...Alex? 

 

Was that Whirling D? He plays guitar 🎸

[Type O Negative]

Just now, MrMan1983 said:

Was that Whirling D? He’s plays guitar 🎸

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 no way man. I'd tell you the name of the band he played for but I'll bet ten million it'll mean nothing to you, sadly..