Help me see clearer about the last one...

[Sindy_0311]

Hey you all, just need your wise insights on my last dating case. 

As you maybe know, I’m single, dating also guys I meet online. I meet that Italian one 3 weeks ago. I always try to learn something from these relationships, so here is the story: 

We started conversations on dating app, he liked my profile first, after a few days, video call, and the day after (Thursday), first meet. Was good, we had a drink, went for a walk at the sea and went back for a last drink. We kissed and hugged a lot. He said it was first time he felt so good on a first date and that he likes me. We left and he proposed to come to the movies with me two days after, on Saturday. He arrived with a rose, said he missed me. The time we spent together was good too. 

He drove me home and I invited him for a last drink. We hugged kissed a lot but nothing happened, as he also knew I was on my period and that I wasn’t willing to. But he asked if he could sleep with me. He did and went the next morning. 

Every day he used to text throughout the day about what he was doing, sending photos, songs, and at night he used to ask for a call. On Tuesday afternoon, he sent me a photo of him on a terrace and asked for me to join him, I said I didn't have the car, but that he could come eat a pizza with me. He came, we went for the pizza and later went home and had sex. He left at midnight, said he had an appointment the next morning. He didn’t sleep with me. We agreed that I would go two days after (Thursday) to his karaoke watch him sing. 

On Thursday evening, I came home from work and was feeling to tired and sick. I asked him if he was busy and he called me right away. I thought he was calling to cancel the date but he didn’t, he just told about his day and asked what time I would arrive. I said I couldn’t make it and apologized. He texted me at 2am, goodnight with a disappointed emoji. 

The next day, on Friday, that’s when it started to fizzle out. He was a bit colder, I asked him if everything ok, he told me he had some issues to fix. To what I replied with a simple OK text. 

On that night, at 11pm, he sent me a long long text explaining all his financial difficulties, also how he got robbed (fake inveestment) and had nothing left. I told him I appreciated his honesty but that I would have preferred knowing sooner. To what he replied, he was feeling bad/***ty about it and had to tell me this first. 

Saturday, a bit cold also just a good morning text and one in the afternoon… I called him in the evening to talk about his long long text, he explained the things and said he couldn’t even afford come see this month me because he has no money left in his account. He lives 50minutes away from me. 

I told him I was willing to meet someone who is ready to pursue a serious relationship and we both agree that we wouldn’t make it. We wished each other all the best, without any anger. 

On Wednesday, I called him at night to ask something about the girl who robbed him as I know someone who went through the same.(was a mistake from my part) He didn’t get the phone, but next morning texted me to call back whenever I wanted to. I said I would do later. The day after, as I still didn’t call him he texted me, asking which day exactly I would call him with a winky emoji. I called Saturday morning and he explained his case, asked some random things about me, we talked a bit and then we cut the call and wished each other well again. 

Since then nothing. I haven’t texted, he neither, and I don’t feel like to. I am just moving on. I unfollowed him on social medias and It’s clear for me that I will not reach out again. Still I noticed has been active on the online dating app since Monday.  

A few details for the context: He is separated from a 10 years relationship since last December, he has a 4 years old daughter, part time custody. He blocked his ex on social media and what’s app, he said they didn’t part well, their couple was facings serious communication issues since a few years. 

He is searching for a job and lives now with social income, which is very little, he is also 40. 

He was displaying all the signs of interest, complimenting my looks, my style, my humour, my talents, asking questions about me, being curious and very chivalrous, but never lovebombed me tough. He used to pay for drinks/dinner.  

He is not what you call a good looking guy even if he has charisma. (this is the opinion from a friend of mine) he also told me I was the first woman he has slept with since his separation, and that he never had a causal relationship with anyone as he doesn’t like it. He only wants serious/committed. He also said he didn’t like having sometimes to wait 3 or 4 hours for me to text back that it was making him feel uneasy. 

See, I don’t want to date broke men, I already did and it went wrong, 

So my question is, is there a probability that he will reach out again to me once he gets his sh*** together in a few month and after having truly healed from his recent breakup and after having gone through other dates. Did you have similar experiences?

For the note: I’m moving on, I won’t contact him again, I will go on dates and I’m still positive to the possibility of finding my mister right. 

This Italian guy thing is just a little deception that I still need to clarify…

Thx in advance for sharing your experiences or insights. 

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, Sindy_0311 said:

So my question is, is there a probability that he will reach out again to me once he gets his sh*** together in a few month and after having truly healed from his recent breakup and after having gone through other dates.

That is what worries you the most? If he hits a "dry spell" then maybe.

He is maybe not that good looking. But he sure did know what to tell you. "Feed you" what you want to hear, compliment you, say how he wants a real deal. And then fizzles out as soon as he sleeps with you. Which he did push from the start. 

I think we talked on another thread about it. That is the risk you are running with going on a date with men you dont know and feeling "connected" to have sex. Some men are very good in making that "connection". To the point they blatantly lie to create it. The lie is almost unsustainable in the long track. Because you would spend some time with him and found out what he is like. But since you decided to act on that "connection" instead of waiting to get to know him better, he used that, slept with you and detached after. With a convinient excuse how he suddenly lost money because he knew that you would break up after that without complaining.

He "read" you pretty good and used that in his advantage, I am sorry. If there is any lesson to be learned from this, its that to accept that you got used. And to accept that you made a mistake by trusing somebody who you didnt even know. To the point you ignored your own red flags and accepted somebody who lives on social income. Because you felt "connected" and he said the right things to you. Remember that next time when you date.

[Kampuniform3]

I'm sure you'll appreciate why it's best to avoid people only recently separated from their long-term partners. 

They are typically in a state of emotional and financial flux that often persists for many years. 

Don't misjudge my comments, as people who find themselves in this state have my fullest sympathy, and it surely must be a grinding hell of an experience. 

However, they're not fully accessible in most senses of the word, and their relationships are usually only utilitarian/short-term/largely one-sided. 

I think you should look for a person who is fully accessible.  

 

[Wiseman2]

Trust your instincts. You made the right call. The wining and dining and lovebombing followed by a sudden story of being robbed and broke, does smell a bit like a con man or smooth operator. You dodged a bullet.

[Sindy_0311]

13 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

To the point you ignored your own red flags and accepted somebody who lives on social income. Because you felt "connected" and he said the right things to you. Remember that next time when you date.

I agree with everything you said, except the red flag of financial issue he didn't told me about... There is no way I could have known it, he just said he was looking for a new job after stopping with his food truck... 

[Jaunty]

I get a general feeling that there are flaws in your established "system" for how you do dating.  

It seems like you are fairly set in your ways and do things in a certain order.   Since I've been reading your posts, this order generally has led to a dead end.

You may be missing a lot of information that you might receive if you were somewhat more flexible.   Since you appear to have sort of a "script" that you like to follow, and it's not an unusual course for dating, it would be pretty easy for men to just go through certain motions and end up in bed with you.  NO judgement on this, by the way.   

On the other hand, perhaps you have your dating life organized strictly like this because, at the root of it all, you really are interested in serial dating adventures which include sex but aren't necessarily intended to lead anywhere further.  

In the case of this man, it's hard for me to picture how he could have misrepresented himself so successfully for 3 weeks.   I have to think that you weren't paying enough of the right kind of attention.

[smackie9]

He has sex with you first then the floodgates of despair / bad situation bursts open.  He has some frickin nerve. First impressions count...This dude is a dud. Your friend is right...he ain't worth it. dodge this bullet!

[Sindy_0311]

16 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

 

On the other hand, perhaps you have your dating life organized strictly like this because, at the root of it all, you really are interested in serial dating adventures which include sex but aren't necessarily intended to lead anywhere further.  

 

In fact I do enjoy serial dating. Having sex or not isn’t influencing my bounding with guys. I used to have dates with guys, have sex with them and just move on. No big deal. I don’t bound just because I get intimate, it’s more likely intellectual connection and physical attraction. I could try not having sex to soon, but in fact In this case I think it wouldn’t have changed anything. Or I would have waited until 6th week to realize what he was about. Better sooner than later. I’m not wondering about him loosing interest, I just want to have another perspective about his behavior or his real motivations to learn something out of it. What I liked about him was his charisma, and the intellectual connection (if really there was any) maybe I got blinded by that? I don’t know 

[Jaunty]

I don't feel like you are bonding because you had sex.  I think it's more like when you have sex in your "program" for dating, you kind of check this off your list.  Time to "try" sex with the guy to see if you're compatible before going further type of thing.   I don't think there's any problem with that.  But you may not be tracking other information that's coming your way because you're busy following your plan.  

I find it surprising that this guy was in such dire straits and also evidently a player, and gave you no indications before he bailed.  

[Sindy_0311]

18 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

 

I find it surprising that this guy was in such dire straits and also evidently a player, and gave you no indications before he bailed.  

Well he told me it wasn’t easy for him to confess his situation, that he is a looser. He also said he is going through the worst period of his life… go figure. He said on the phone that he was willing to try something when we first met each other. But he realized it was not possible now as he is depressed, he went to a therapist for first time last Friday he said. 
i guess it’s all bull***… I don’t know if this changes anything but the karaoke date he was up for it, I canceled. And it was after we had sex together. The thing is I do sense when I have to deal with the perfect archetype of players but this one I didn’t see it come… 

[Sindy_0311]

30 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

  But you may not be tracking other information that's coming your way because you're busy following your plan.  

Yes you are right. But I’m also willing to just enjoy myself without thinking that far… and I know how to run away from guys that I don’t feel ok… I’m not that busy to the point I don’t see the red flags. 
a friend of mine told me that Italian guys are very complimenting and all in since the beginning, and yes he was. But he didn’t promess me anything. He told me he liked me but thats it. He seemed a balanced guy after all… what you call lovebombing, for me was just a guy conveying his attraction. So I still don’t know where I missed the red flag… 

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I agree with everything you said, except the red flag of financial issue he didn't told me about... There is no way I could have known it, he just said he was looking for a new job after stopping with his food truck... 

If you got to know him more, in time you would have known how he is and that he isnt worth your time. Instad in less then 10 days you came from first date, to sleeping with the guy to him dumping you(you probably say that break up is mutual, but lets be honest). Less then 10 days from Thursday to next Friday. 8 days.

37 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I could try not having sex to soon, but in fact In this case I think it wouldn’t have changed anything. Or I would have waited until 6th week to realize what he was about.

Doubt he would stay for 6 weeks. After he would saw that you wouldnt put out until he commits a bit, he would bail on his own. 

And that is what I am talking about. You dont learn your lessons and just do the same next time. You are heading toward the wall and hitting your head and next time you try the same no matter that you feel the consequences of your actions. Dunno if "I doubt it would change anything" is pure copium or you really mean it, but yes, it would change a lot. You wouldnt be used. OK, you probably also enjoyed sex and that is fair. But if your goal is long term relationship, you cant allow yourself to be used by men like this. Next time it would be some other man that would also say the right things and have sex with you. Because you refuse to change your MO when it comes to dating. Let those men get to know you first before you sleep with them if you want LTR. Believe it or not, some of them would even appreciate that more then if you just sleep with them right away.

Coincidently I read something today that could relate to your case. Its far easier to be in denial about making any mistake. Then to accept that you were being foolish, didnt saw some stuff and ended up being used. The guy went to your place on a second date and the only thing that was stopping him is you on period(dunno if its really period, some women(at least in my experience) often use that as an excuse not to sleep with men too early). You really need to see through that stuff right away. Instead you were being blinded by him saying compliments to you. You really cant do that while dating. You need to see through stuff like that right away. Again, accept it as a mistake and learn it for next time so it wont happen again.

[Sindy_0311]

11 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

If you got to know him more, in time you would have known how he is and that he isnt worth your time. Instad in less then 10 days you came from first date, to sleeping with the guy to him dumping you(you probably say that break up is mutual, but lets be honest). Less then 10 days from Thursday to next Friday. 8 days.

Doubt he would stay for 6 weeks. After he would saw that you wouldnt put out until he commits a bit, he would bail on his own. 

And that is what I am talking about. You dont learn your lessons and just do the same next time. You are heading toward the wall and hitting your head and next time you try the same no matter that you feel the consequences of your actions. Dunno if "I doubt it would change anything" is pure copium or you really mean it, but yes, it would change a lot. You wouldnt be used. OK, you probably also enjoyed sex and that is fair. But if your goal is long term relationship, you cant allow yourself to be used by men like this. Next time it would be some other man that would also say the right things and have sex with you. Because you refuse to change your MO when it comes to dating. Let those men get to know you first before you sleep with them if you want LTR. Believe it or not, some of them would even appreciate that more then if you just sleep with them right away.

Coincidently I read something today that could relate to your case. Its far easier to be in denial about making any mistake. Then to accept that you were being foolish, didnt saw some stuff and ended up being used. The guy went to your place on a second date and the only thing that was stopping him is you on period(dunno if its really period, some women(at least in my experience) often use that as an excuse not to sleep with men too early). You really need to see through that stuff right away. Instead you were being blinded by him saying compliments to you. You really cant do that while dating. You need to see through stuff like that right away. Again, accept it as a mistake and learn it for next time so it wont happen again.

Ok, I didn’t feel used in the sense that I enjoyed myself without regret. But I guess this is not how you trigger respect from men, and I definitly don’t want them to think they got what they wanted when they leave. So you are right. I understand why it could be wrong doing it so fast… 

Maybe the obvious red flag was him fading out after sex, and maybe he would have faded out without it, but at least I wouldn’t have doubted about him being just using me… 

[rainbowsandroses]

@Sindy_0311to me he simply changed his mind (and feelings) after having sex.  That is how it appears to me, not that he used you or intentionally played you. 

Sex does change things especially when it happens early in.   Before sex it can be a bit of a fantasy, hence the "lovebombing" (for lack of a better word). 

After sex, reality hits and one or both are now faced with the question "Now what?  Do I want to move forward with this person?  Or not"?

My philosophy is there is nothing wrong with early sex however it's best to lower expectations and be emotionally prepared for whatever happens after that. 

Here, I really do think he lost interest or decided for whatever reason he didn't want to move forward with you. 

His excuses about his finances, etc, was a load of BS imo, a way to end things without a lot of possible drama. 

Just my take and sure there's a chance he may reach out later when he hits a dry spell or whatever.  If me, I'd decline.  I most likely would have moved on from it (and any feelings I had for him) by then anyway. 

[Sindy_0311]

18 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Here, I really do think he lost interest or decided for whatever reason he didn't want to move forward with you. 

I hope it was the case, because I'm beating myself up since a few days trying to analyze where I missed the thing... 

 

26 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

His excuses about his finances, etc, was a load of BS imo, a way to end things without a lot of possible drama. 

His finances, I don't think it's really bull***, I think he does have serious issues because he explained and detailed everything. he talk about the woman he met online (not for real) just before me and explained in details how she convinced him to invest, and how he lost all his savings and went to the police etc. (he also mentioned that on our first date, but not that exactly...)  But I guess he used all his financial issues as an easy exit. 

[rainbowsandroses]

10 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

But I guess he used all his financial issues as an easy exit. 

Agree as evidenced by his financial sitch not being an issue before sex while he was living in fantasy land, dreaming about having sex with you. 

It only became an issue after sex, when reality hit and he realized he didn't want to move forward with you.

[Andrina]

I'll address a few things not discussed yet.

The first is, a guy shouldn't know your address as early as the 2nd date. Though he didn't act crazy, there are lots of crazy people in the world, so get in more public dates to learn more about guy before letting him know where you live. 

For myself, I used to do OLD, and an example of this was a guy I met who appeared to be very normal on the first date, but on the second date, he showed some red flags and a phone call that followed showed how crazy he really was. I thanked God he didn't know where I lived.

My second point is that some good advice that seems valid to me is to keep the first few dates short. Your second date lasted 12 or more hours and that's too much togetherness at the beginning.

These few things are some ways you could tweak how you date. Worth a try.

[Sindy_0311]

11 minutes ago, Andrina said:

I'll address a few things not discussed yet.

The first is, a guy shouldn't know your address as early as the 2nd date. Though he didn't act crazy, there are lots of crazy people in the world, so get in more public dates to learn more about guy before letting him know where you live. 

For myself, I used to do OLD, and an example of this was a guy I met who appeared to be very normal on the first date, but on the second date, he showed some red flags and a phone call that followed showed how crazy he really was. I thanked God he didn't know where I lived.

My second point is that some good advice that seems valid to me is to keep the first few dates short. Your second date lasted 12 or more hours and that's too much togetherness at the beginning.

These few things are some ways you could tweak how you date. Worth a try.

Thank you for your advices. I will implement it from now on. Completely worth the try… 

[Type O Negative]

Sindy,

Damn, sorry about what happened with the Italian. What did you expect from a southerner?! Joke. You haven't done anything wrong, and I don't feel there are any major lessons to learn - you come across as a very level-headed and intelligent person to me. An early dating situation not working out often simply means it wasn't meant to be. Next time, go for a truly gorgeous Northener from say, Turin?? 😉 Joke..

[SooSad33]

8 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

We started conversations on dating app, he liked my profile first, after a few days, video call, and the day after (Thursday), first meet. Was good, we had a drink, went for a walk at the sea and went back for a last drink. We kissed and hugged a lot. He said it was first time he felt so good on a first date and that he likes me. We left and he proposed to come to the movies with me two days after, on Saturday. He arrived with a rose, said he missed me. The time we spent together was good too. 

I found this a little much. ( who says 'I missed you' after one meet?) 😕 . This, among other weird things would bother me.

I say leave him be .  He's a little unsettling imo.  He's not over his last LTR and they've still go issue's, if I'm correct.  ( In ways, I expected him to lay heavily on you for backing out- due to his recent BU after effects).

So, is maybe best to just accept as is and move on..  Good on you to pick up  on factors about his past, his ex, etc.

And as mentioned - good advice on being safe by not disclosing your actual location.  Get to know them a little better first. I remember meeting some guy who seemed to have a wild side and wanted to meet at odd hours and just didn't sit right with me - he had some mental health issue's, I became aware of after about 6 weeks, and his behaviour ended up really setting me off 😕 .... I stopped dealing with him and refused to continue, realizing then that I was glad he never knew where I lived! lol.

We live, we learn.. just tread carefully and watch them for a bit.  you want someone in your life who is decent, settled and some actual 'good vibes'. 😉 

Take your time.

[Cherylyn]

He sounds very unstable.  Glad you've moved on. 

[shouldhavelearned]

Slow down 

 

Get to know the guys first. Will save you from going thru this jr. High bs so often 

[Wiseman2]

17 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

He is separated from a 10 years relationship since last December. He is searching for a job and lives now with social income, which is very little, he is also 40. 

It doesn't seem like sex too soon was the issue. It seems like he's looking for financial assistance and a warm bed.  Is he still legally married? 

Delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps. Way too many red flags. Unemployed, on the rebound, hard luck stories about being robbed, still married, superficial charm, etc.

[Sindy_0311]

9 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

I found this a little much. ( who says 'I missed you' after one meet?) 😕 . This, among other weird things would bother me.

 

Now that you mention it, I was surprised when he told me that. But I also felt like wanting to see him again so I assumed it was genuine from his part. But yes, was a bit too much. I remember on the second date he started making associations on how we would call our couple, what would sound best (something like  "Romeo&Juliet"or "Juliet&Romeo") ... Ouch.

9 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

And as mentioned - good advice on being safe by not disclosing your actual location. 

Agree. I'm always cautious in not giving my name's correct spelling, because I know if they google it, they can find some press articles about me, or my linkedIn profile, and find out where I work, and many details about me. 

Also I try not to give my number, I usually use Telegram for text, it allows to just give a subscribers name without number... I'm lucky I never had to deal with a weirdo until now. Even if some of them found out where I work and tried to come see me. 

9 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

We live, we learn..

Exactly. I will definitly try to give myself more time to figure them out. 

That's funny because yesterday, I was supposed to go on a date but I cancelled as I was too tired.

I had been texting for two days with this guy, was all ok. But at 11pm yesterday he texted me asking random things and suddenly he asked whether I would go "touch myself" while going to bed.> immediately blocked him. I mean, would I have gone on the date with him, would have been a waste of time... That's why I also prefer texting for a few days or having calls to decipher their intentions before meeting them. When guys start to talk about sex or ask for "intimate things" I know what it's about and it allows me not to waist my time.  

[Sindy_0311]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It doesn't seem like sex too soon was the issue. It seems like he's looking for financial assistance and a warm bed.  Is he still legally married? 

He isn't married, they weren't. What makes you think he was looking for financial assistance? 

 

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps. Way too many red flags. Unemployed, on the rebound, hard luck stories about being robbed, still married, superficial charm, etc.

I deleted him from every social media including the dating app.

But I didn't block him on WhatsApp... Let me explain why: 

- The purpose of this thread is to know whether he was playing me or was just in a bad state in his life and therefore wasn't ready for anything>thus the probability he would reach out again in a few month. I think you all have different point of views about that.  

- I used to date guys, and never blocked them after because there was no animosity or anger. And I still have good contacts with them. 

- I'm silent. I won't reach out. I'm just curious if he will. If he does, the best he could do is ask for a hookup so at least I get my full answer and will be ready to block him... In a sense I prefer that than never knowing whether he reached out. Im at this point where it's not 100% clear yet.

21 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Way too many red flags. Unemployed, on the rebound, hard luck stories about being robbed, still married, superficial charm, etc.

I did address these Red flags by telling him we would not make it, by moving on and stopping the communication. But these red flags you mention are applying to his CURRENT situation... how about in a few month...?