Feeling like I’ll never find anyone better.

[KrazyKat]

I'm 24 years old. Still a virgin. I was in my first relationship a couple months back, but he broke up with me unexpectedly. I was kinda shocked at how determined he was to end it. He just vanished from my life. I don't know why I wasn't enough for him.

I've recently tried to put myself back into the dating scene. But every date I go on leaves me feeling hopeless and sad. 

Everytime I meet a guy from Bumble or Hinge, they are quiet, awkward, not talkative, unfunny... just plain boring. They say not to compare, but it's really hard not to when most guys lack what he had. 

My ex was a dorky guy who had a lot of nerdy hobbies. It was great because finding someone with similar interests is really hard for me. He was also sweet, and very attentive. 

But on top of that, he was very handsome, outgoing, and funny. Super funny. He always made me laugh. He had this unique charisma that's hard to find.

I had a great time with him... unfortunately he didn't feel the same. 

I feel like I'll never find another guy with that combination of qualities. Most of the time, my dates are awkward and lead to nothing. I'm so sad.

[Jaunty]

First, you weren't the right match for your ex.  There are countless reasons this could happen, ranging from the guy might not have been in the right space for a relationship to him just not feeling it with you - but you not being "enough" isn't one of them.   So try to leave that line of thought behind.  It does nothing but bring you down.  

How long were the two of you together?   Did he tell you why he was breaking up, or did he just disappear on you?

Obviously you're not over him and you probably won't be able to get interested in anyone new until you are further along in your healing from the breakup.  It will happen, I promise.

[KrazyKat]

1 hour ago, Jaunty said:

First, you weren't the right match for your ex.  There are countless reasons this could happen, ranging from the guy might not have been in the right space for a relationship to him just not feeling it with you - but you not being "enough" isn't one of them.   So try to leave that line of thought behind.  It does nothing but bring you down.  

How long were the two of you together?   Did he tell you why he was breaking up, or did he just disappear on you?

Obviously you're not over him and you probably won't be able to get interested in anyone new until you are further along in your healing from the breakup.  It will happen, I promise.

I’m going to sound crazy for this but… we only knew each other for 2 months. And now 4 months have passed and I’m still thinking of him. And I’m aware that it’s not rational.

Things got real serious real fast and he asked me to be his girlfriend on the fourth date. He seemed like he was really into me. He let me meet his parents, he incorporated me into his friend group, he texted me constantly.….

…and then he started drifting away. And it was very confusing. He just started to switch up on me.

His feelings changed rather quickly. And after he broke up with me, he sent a text explaining why he did it. Apparently, we had “nothing to talk about” and there was a “permeating awkwardness.” It was the exact opposite of how I felt. I felt like he was describing a completely different relationship from the one I was in.

He liked me, and then as soon as he got to know me, he didn’t like me. That hurts. He ended the relationship almost as soon as it started. Like there was something about my personality that completely repelled him.

I try to move on, and date other guys, but none of these dates are any fun. In fact, they’re draining. But I’m trying my hardest to move on.

[Jaunty]

I bet that he didn't really get to know you at all - through no fault of yours.  He was carried away by excitement, newness, whatever he had decided was going on ... he probably really didn't know you at all.  He just suddenly got reality - he was in a relationship!  Yikes!  And he bolted.

This won't make you feel better, unfortunately, but at least you can be quite assured that it's not due to any shortcomings on your part.  

[Capricorn3]

2 hours ago, KrazyKat said:

  Apparently, we had “nothing to talk about” and there was a “permeating awkwardness.” It was the exact opposite of how I felt. I felt like he was describing a completely different relationship from the one I was in.

He liked me, and then as soon as he got to know me, he didn’t like me. That hurts. . Like there was something about my personality that completely repelled him.

^ To me, all that shows is incompatibility.  Seems he was on a totally different page to what you were.  It would never have worked out.

I'm sorry you're hurting, but view this as a bullet dodged.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, KrazyKat said:

His feelings changed rather quickly.  Apparently, we had “nothing to talk about” and there was a “permeating awkwardness.

Sorry this happened. It's understandable that you're a bit heartbroken after your first breakup.

Take a break from dating for a while. You'll find someone more compatible soon. Try to focus on joining groups and clubs, looking for work, getting involved in sports and fitness, taking some classes and courses. Broaden your social horizons. You'll make friends and meet like-minded people and can meet more compatible men.

Unfortunately even though it started out ok, once you wouldn't let him get frisky in your parents house, he left. That's a guy who's not going to stick around unless he gets what he wants.

Is this the same man?

 

[Kwothe28]

5 hours ago, KrazyKat said:

Most of the time, my dates are awkward and lead to nothing. I'm so sad.

Yeah, welcome to dating world sister.

Also, you still havent gotten over your ex and accepted its over. Hence why dating anyone at this point isnt really a good option for you. You will always compare them until you accept your ex wasnt really that good of a boyfriend at all and that you will find somebody way better out there.

[Jibralta]

8 hours ago, KrazyKat said:

My ex was a dorky guy who had a lot of nerdy hobbies. It was great because finding someone with similar interests is really hard for me. He was also sweet, and very attentive. 

But on top of that, he was very handsome, outgoing, and funny. Super funny. He always made me laugh. He had this unique charisma that's hard to find.

Nostalgia is whitewashing a lot of the negative qualities that this guy had. Don't forget, this is the guy that sent you a text of him jacking off and didn't make time for you--particularly after you shared a sexual experience. He put effort in until he got what he wanted, then he stopped making an effort. You felt used!

The sadness and nostalgia that you feel is very common following a break up, and it's easy to fall into the belief that you've lost something great. But in reality, he was kind of a dck. There are way better guys out there. Don't worry.

[Batya33]

Of course there is someone better -better for you -someone who tells you that is not the right person for you -he is telling you you two are incompatible as he realizes after getting to know you. I mean it could be an excuse -he met someone else - but why be with someone who feels awkward around you? 

I met over 100 men in person through online dating sites and communicated with hundreds.  Of course you're going to meet men you find awkward and boring - what is  your purpose in dating? To find a date, to find someone to marry or be long term committed to?

For me it was about finding a husband who was right for me and starting a family - huge goals so it was worth all the stress and aggravation despite no guarantees. I wouldn't have gone to dating sites to contact potential dates or be contacted if it was just to find dates.

I too was a virgin until 24 -by choice -and that didn't affect my dating life at all other than positively.  That shouldn't matter.  Certainly if you don't plan on having sex until marriage that probably should be communicated unless you already know the person feels the same. 

Also you might want to consider working on social skills -are you comfortable in your own skin? Do you like the way you interact with people? In my early 30s I learned that I was too chatty especially when I felt insecure - I actually was told this by someone I trusted  lot.  So over time I changed that habit.  The results were so rewarding -I felt more comfortable, I became a better listener, and people trusted me more -because they saw me being discreet and having better filters and therefore they could trust me more/confide in me more. 

Be yourself- but you can be yourself and work on communication and social skills if those are getting in the way of rewarding and healthy relationships. 

Good luck and I'm sorry you're hurting.

[Jaunty]

I just read your last thread and I can tell you that without a doubt, that guy is a douche and you are well rid of him.  Still, your hurt over it is understandable.  It will go away, and you will soon look back on his actions and agree that you don't need a person who behaves like that towards you in your life.

[Coily]

Big thing, being a virgin is nothing to be ashamed of. It's quite honorable.

If it had been 4 years that would be one thing, but you two discovered your lack of compatibility quickly; and that's not a bad thing. Don't beat yourself up too much, it will take us all a while to find someone and you are experiencing the normal mill of dating.

One mistake I've seen is that men are treated by some women that the men have to carry the conversation, for the effect of "hanging on every word." Having a healthy range of topics to discuss and being well rounded is going to help everyone in dating.

Best of luck!

[SooSad33]

16 hours ago, KrazyKat said:

I've recently tried to put myself back into the dating scene. But every date I go on leaves me feeling hopeless and sad. 

And you are finding them awkward & leading to.. nothing.

Maybe you just need to take some down time.  Focus on YOU for a while & get yourself back to good.  Finding a bf should not be a chore.  Nor should it be like hiring help 😉 . ( And like Jaunty mentioned, your ex is an idiot anyways -- so, no loss).

You shouldn't feel like this, imo.  So, maybe you just need a break and focus on other things.  Get out and hang with friends, take a trip, get a hobby, get active, etc.

Nothing wrong with be single. Enjoy your freedom!  If or when you meet someone again, it should be refreshing and you should feel a good 'vibe'. 

 

[KrazyKat]

2 hours ago, Coily said:

Big thing, being a virgin is nothing to be ashamed of. It's quite honorable.

If it had been 4 years that would be one thing, but you two discovered your lack of compatibility quickly; and that's not a bad thing. Don't beat yourself up too much, it will take us all a while to find someone and you are experiencing the normal mill of dating.

One mistake I've seen is that men are treated by some women that the men have to carry the conversation, for the effect of "hanging on every word." Having a healthy range of topics to discuss and being well rounded is going to help everyone in dating.

Best of luck!

But it’s the lack of perceived compatibility on HIS part. I felt that we were very compatible, and as I was falling for him, he felt the exact opposite.

From my perspective, our only problem was that he seemed to want sex quicker than I did. But he was adamant that this wasn't the reason he broke up with me. I'm not sure what to believe. 

It really hurts because we have a ton of things in common, but he felt like we had not much to talk about. How is that possible?? 

I was always insecure about my social skills and how people perceived me. Maybe he thought my social skills were bad and he was completely turned off by it. That is my worst fear.

 

[Jaunty]

i hope as you mature you will no longer find compatibility with a man you barely know who sends you a masturbation video and otherwise treats you badly because you aren't providing sex to him on his (VERY short) timeline.  

Also, frankly, he was not interested in talking with you or your social skills, he wanted to have sex and only on HIS terms.  Dating and talking were only things required to get there.  I'm pretty certain that this would be his MO with other women as well - no personal reflection on you.  He's just a douche.  Or, as they used to say in kinder, gentler eras, a "cad."

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, KrazyKat said:

It really hurts because we have a ton of things in common, but he felt like we had not much to talk about. How is that possible?? 

 

Sometimes 2 people perspectives are not the same. To you he was a perfect guy that you could talk about stuff you were both interested. To him you were just "some woman he wanted to have sex". Sorry. He was your first boyfriend so it felt special. But in time you will accept that he just didnt wanted to be with you. And that you were a huge mismatch and wanted different stuff. 

[KrazyKat]

9 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

To him you were just "some woman he wanted to have sex". Sorry. He was your first boyfriend so it felt special. But in time you will accept that he just didnt wanted to be with you. 

Why do men do this? He went out of his way to introduce me to his family, introduce me to his friend group, drive me places, express a desire to meet my family.... all for sex.
 

I think you're right, but why?? Why do so many men do this? Why not just get on tinder and just say you want a hookup?
 

I exposed myself to him. I was vulnerable with him. He's the first person who's ever touched me. He's my first kiss.  
 

It's such a betrayal and I think part of me just doesn't wanna believe it.

I just don't understand going out of your way and pretending to be a boyfriend... just for sex. It's just so selfish and cruel. And I've been feeling just awful for the past few months.

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, KrazyKat said:

Why do men do this? He went out of his way to introduce me to his family, introduce me to his friend group, drive me places, express a desire to meet my family.... all for sex.
 

I think you're right, but why?? Why do so many men do this? Why not just get on tinder and just say you want a hookup?
 

I exposed myself to him. I was vulnerable with him. He's the first person who's ever touched me. He's my first kiss.  
 

It's such a betrayal and I think part of me just doesn't wanna believe it.

I just don't understand going out of your way and pretending to be a boyfriend... just for sex. It's just so selfish and cruel. And I've been feeling just awful for the past few months.

Nothing at all to do with gender in the least! He was excited at first and you agreed to meet his family and his friends -you could have said it was too soon.  Then when he realized you weren't going to get sexual and the newness faded he realized he wasn't that into you-it was a very new relationship.  He may have simply changed his mind and you chose to tolerate his incredibly disrespectful behavior.

I know of many women who move at the speed of light based on initial excitement and infatuation then get bored and crash and burn and move on.  

I'm sorry you feel hurt and simply know that at the end of the day you two are not a match.  Next time please don't tolerate the sort of disrespectful behavior unless you enjoy sexting and it turns you on -to each his or her own but it wasn't ok with you and that's cool as well.

[Kwothe28]

9 minutes ago, KrazyKat said:

I think you're right, but why?? Why do so many men do this? Why not just get on tinder and just say you want a hookup?

While I dont doubt there are men who can do that, most men just cant go on Tinder, say "I want sex" and get one. It just doesnt work for most. Its far easier for women to get sex. For most men its a process. That involves even lying and getting into relationships to get one. If he could go on Tinder and get sex, he wouldnt pressure you, a virgin without any experience, for one. And act like a "horn dog". I think you have a very misleed perception about that guy. Which should probably settle in time. Again, give it more time and you will accept its over. Its still early and he was your first relationship after all.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, KrazyKat said:

 Why do so many men do this? Why not just get on tinder and just say you want a hookup?

They don't. Please try to stop catastrophizing. Please talk to trusted friends and family. He didn't trick or fool or use you. He wanted a relationship that includes sex, but he was disrespectful about it.

He was extremely upfront about wanting sex Even sending his homemade porn with him as the star.You simply ignored this red flag.

Try not to paint all men this way. Where's that coming from if this is the first relationship? 

Please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and get some tests done. Talk about the OCD and protracted sadness and anger. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. 

 

[KrazyKat]

I have gone to trusted friends and family. I even have a therapist. But everyone wants me to stop talking about him. Friends and family get annoyed when I bring him up, and try to direct the conversation to something else.  I understand why that is, but it's not what I need right now. I still need to talk about it. Cause it still hurts. That is why I'm on this forum. I have to bottle up my emotions around people because they won't want to hear it anymore.

To address your other statement; I did NOT ignore the red flag. I immediately called him up and set some boundaries. He agreed but I could tell it bothered him that I wasn't into it.
 

I agreed to meet his family and friends because he made me believe that he was truly into me. I tolerated his behavior because he didn't start acting like that until later on.  When I first met him his was sweet, respectful, and charming. So I showed him my body and I let him touch me because I believed he genuinely cared about me.
Then he started acting different, and I was already attached.

[Jaunty]

Unfortunately, it's "fair" to do what he did.  We are allowed to change our minds about a person we are dating, especially when it's been just a few short weeks.   

In the future, perhaps give things more time before you are all in.   People who are all in very quickly are often very capable of getting out just as fast.  

It won't take you very long to get over this if you make a point of getting through it.   So don't wallow.  

[KrazyKat]

A lot of people are saying things along the lines of; “he just wasn't that into you.” I'm guess you're correct. But it makes me feel so awful because that's exactly the problem. The thought that he was into me, and now he's not... or that he was never that into me to begin with.

It makes me feel stupid for ever falling for him. It makes me feel like there's something wrong with my personality. And yes, I'm aware that my feelings are irrational for such a short-term relationship...

He's the first guy who actually reciprocated my feelings. Here was this guy who I was super attracted to, and he actually liked me back! I was so happy... and then he suddenly lost interest. It's hard not to internalize that.

My therapist told me that it seems like I'll never truly get over him until I find someone else. Someone better. So I've been going on these dates because I'm tired of feeling miserable all the time.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, KrazyKat said:

My therapist told me that it seems like I'll never truly get over him until I find someone else. 

Please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Address the OCD anxiety and depression. 

Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support who can help you with your underlying concerns and issues and who has better advice than using people on random dates to "get over" a breakup.

Spend some time tuning up your resume and LinkedIn profile and start applying for jobs. Get as many jobs as possible to keep busy, make money and gain experience.

Join some groups and clubs. Take some classes and courses, either for growth and career advancement or enjoyment.  Broaden your social horizons.  You can focus on getting your physical and mental health in order as well as getting your career and finances in order. 

You claim you live at home with "strict" parents who are supporting you. That is in your power to begin to change. Having a BF is a small fraction of having a full life and definitely not a way to measure your value. 

[Batya33]

He wasn't that into "you" because he didn't know much about you yet and his focus was knowing about how it would be to talk dirty to you and have intercourse with you, not getting to know you as a person.

[KrazyKat]

22 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Address the OCD anxiety and depression. 

Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support who can help you with your underlying concerns and issues and who has better advice than using people on random dates to "get over" a breakup.

Spend some time tuning up your resume and LinkedIn profile and start applying for jobs. Get as many jobs as possible to keep busy, make money and gain experience.

Join some groups and clubs. Take some classes and courses, either for growth and career advancement or enjoyment.  Broaden your social horizons.  You can focus on getting your physical and mental health in order as well as getting your career and finances in order. 

You claim you live at home with "strict" parents who are supporting you. That is in your power to begin to change. Having a BF is a small fraction of having a full life and definitely not a way to measure your value. 

Thank you very much for the advice. I appreciate it. ☺️

I have been doing pretty much all the things you’ve listed over the past few months. I got a new job that I’m starting next week. I’m taking lots of meds for my depression and OCD. I’m putting an effort into moving on, but my main coping mechanism is to talk to others for support. Unfortunately, people in my life are tired of hearing about him. So I have to bottle it up.

You say that he didn’t trick or use me. But then… why would he tell me that he was interested in an actual relationship, only to start pulling away and being disrespectful when he didn’t get sex right away? How could he see me as “just some girl who he wanted to have sex with” while also telling me that he truly liked me and wanted a relationship?

Im starting to realize that this wasn’t a great guy. He just had so many surface level qualities that I’m attracted to. And it’s difficult to find that anywhere else.

I’m just trying to process everything that happened to me. I just can’t help but feel misled and manipulated. It just feels awful.