How should I learn adaptive coping skills?

[hannarivers]

I always felt that most mental illnesses are just like "bad habits". Today I learnt something similar from an article about OCD. In conclusion, OCD is a maladaptive coping mechanism. I had OCD for a very long time. These days I became aware of my thought patterns. I have obsessive thinking again, and even though I dont have any compulsions (eg. hand washing), my mind is pretty heavy and it is taking a toll on my life and relationship. We had a hard time with my partner due to me findig out about the mistakes he made. Now I cant ecape thinking  again and again and again about every single detail of the past. I went to two different specialists a few years ago, but they did nothing, except just talking about my feelings and giving me meds that completely ruined my ability to focus. Healthcare is garbage in my country and I have neither money or chance to go somewhere and get treatment for years. So, please, consider not telling me "go to a therapist". I did, worthless. I want to take matters in my hands and learn. I would be thankful for some tips on how to learn adaptive coping skills, or even a book.

[Batya33]

If the obsessive thinking is about your boyfriend's porn use I'd treat that differently and consider that it is a sign that you're going against your instincts/values/standards and  trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.  

I don't have OCD or obsessive thinking.  Sometimes as many do in the middle of the night I'll worry about really silly things and focus on them too much.  No I don't take sleep meds or anything -it's all me LOL.  I am sharing because I had a bad bout of it two nights ago -we have a lot going on -actually really good stuff! -but good stuff can be stressful too.  I was uber-focused on the silliest worry about my son.  My mind going in circles, focusing on extremes of "what ifs".  

Here's what I do when I get that way (this was extreme -typically it's not that bad when it happens) - I do 4-7-8 breathing weil method. (Google it). Sometimes I will make a list to "prioritize my panic" either in my head or write it down.  Sometimes I redirect -read a good book or occasionally just scroll FB or a news site (I do not keep my phone in our room though!).  

However there have been times in my life when the thoughts were this way because I was trying to rationalize a not right relationship - basically my brain and body were screaming at me to stop ignoring what was right in favor of settling for Mr. Right on Paper or in one case a man who had incompatible values about sex.  To me that's different.

When I woke up that morning a few days ago wow I felt so silly to have worried about what I worried about -it was so so blown out of proportion -and as I always do I went on the treadmill and that made the rest of the anxiety fade. (So yes cardio exercise is great to refocus/get perspective).  

Again I think in your case you are obsessing because you know you're going down a path that is not right for you or healthy for you.  I get that you take it to an extreme but I think you should heed what your gut and mind are trying to tell you.  Good luck.

[hannarivers]

26 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

consider that it is a sign that you're going against your instincts/values/standards and  trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.  

Definitely not the case. I have OCD since I was 10-11. I can recognize my thinking patterns after 13 years. Actually, you guys made me realize that this is also a case, next to the betrayal trauma. 

 

29 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

rationalize a not right relationship

Would be reasonable, but how my partner treats me now is definitely not the sign of a 'not right relationship'. Oooh, it was not a right one, but it was not right thanks to me, too. The care he gives me now is so overpowering, and it is also consistent. I get what you say, but deep down I feel like I would not care about this, lets say in 5 years from now. Which means that Im even more sure it is 65% about my OCD and 35% about the real stuff. I had bad toughts of him before this case, too. And later realized that I was just obsessed and having an episode. 

[Cherylyn]

Just because you ruminated over something unjust,  abnormal or immoral,  doesn't make you OCD.  It's very normal to have certain thoughts never escape you on any given day or time.  You wouldn't be human if you didn't.  I for one think about a lot of unfairness,  offenses and insults dispensed with spoiled abandon my way from people in my midst just like the next person and some people whom I know.  The only time I don't think about it is whenever I'm distracted in a healthy way whether it's my job,  industriousness,  sports,  random tasks,  chores,  errands or enjoying camaraderie with my husband,  sons,  local relatives,  in-laws and friends. 

Healing is a gradual,  long process.  I can't speak for everyone but for me,  enforcing strict boundaries with perpetrators makes me feel calm,  secure,  safe and  protected from future harm.  I take Draconian measures of all sorts in this arena whether blocking,  deleting,  declining,  rejecting and ensuring we never cross paths again including in person.  It's complete annihilation.  Once that creature is out of the way,  I proceed with getting busy in my life with very moral people in it.  I carve out "me time" and become my own independent person as well.  It's starting your life anew and akin to a rebirth or reset.  I focus on great health,  fitness,  taking thorough care of my family and doing the best to my ability.  These are my coping skills.  I take control back into my life and I no longer allow perpetrators to dictate my life nor my brain space anymore.  They no longer have a grip on my life.  Those days are no more and I see to that.

In the past,  I was soft.  I gave perpetrators endless chances only for failure after failure repeating itself in the relationship.  This applies to anyone; not just partner type relationships.  There are times when there is no answer.  Both sides are incompatible.  We don't think alike,  don't write nor speak alike.  We're not on the same page nor same wavelength.  It's as if we're communicating (verbal or written) in two different languages.  Empathy is nonexistent.  However, chronic gaslighting is alive and well.  😡 It became an extreme relief once I gave up and quit trying to constantly salvage the relationship by acquiescing or worse yet,  endless groveling.  I refuse to be sweet because I'm sick 'n tired of it.  It was time to hang tough,  be strong and protect my dignity at all costs. 

This new adjustment was a difficult transition at first.   I was tempted to "be sweet and nice" just as I had always been in the past only for me to be played for a fool and treated like a doormat at this narcissist's disposal.  Whenever you go soft on people,  a narcissist will take advantage,  use you and the relationship is fine as long as you forever kowtow to them.  It feels like a high school clique all over again.  ☹️  The best thing to do is no longer put up with their ________.   Walk and don't come back.  It will save you as it did for me.  What this does is give you the greatest gift only you can give yourself which is respect.   Like,  love and honor yourself because you deserve it.  It's not entitlement.  It's your earned right. 

It doesn't work out so go your own way in life. 

I've heard some people say to me:  "Well,  I don't care if someone said something insulting to me.  I'll still associate with them.  I know my truth."  🙄 Vomit!  Are you kidding me?  You must be joking.  I've had to set the record straight by telling them their stance doesn't exist in my world.  No way.  So,  let me get this straight.  I'm dishonored,  disrespected and insulted repetitively and I'm expected to play nice and eat dinner with said person?  No,  no and more no.  I'm done and I'm out.  That's another coping mechanism ~ getting out.  I want to live a happy life without evil people in it.  I've permanently left.  🙂

[hannarivers]

23 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

Just because you ruminated over something unjust,  abnormal or immoral,  doesn't make you OCD.

Sadly, I was diagnosed with it 😞 And I do feel a difference, when I know  my feelings are irrational.

You are correct in not accepting disrespect. This is what I practice in my relationship, he knows that if he messes up my healing time, we are over. And since you mentioned porn, I feel like I will come to an acceptance, where I can say "do as you like, but dont sabotage our relationship and be careful, I trust you". I had my time with porn myself, and I know there can be a healthy way/amount, when the relationship is not affected. I feel like I might be okay with that, this is why I want that 9 month trial. 

By the way, Im glad for you, for stepping on the path you find the best 🙂

[Cherylyn]

1 minute ago, hannarivers said:

Sadly, I was diagnosed with it 😞 And I do feel a difference, when I know  my feelings are irrational.

You are correct in not accepting disrespect. This is what I practice in my relationship, he knows that if he messes up my healing time, we are over. And since you mentioned porn, I feel like I will come to an acceptance, where I can say "do as you like, but dont sabotage our relationship and be careful, I trust you". I had my time with porn myself, and I know there can be a healthy way/amount, when the relationship is not affected. I feel like I might be okay with that, this is why I want that 9 month trial. 

By the way, Im glad for you, for stepping on the path you find the best 🙂

I'm sorry about your OCD. 

I agree, never accept disrespect. 

Thank you for your kind words.  🙂 I was raised to "put up and shut up,"  be a good sport at all costs,  go along with it,  don't make waves,  don't rock the boat,  never make a stance and remain meek for the sake of peace and harmony.  Well,  to ______ with that!  I don't play by those asinine rules anymore.  Either I'm treated right or I'm leaving forever.  Bye!  That's my attitude and behavior.  I've followed through and even though it was initially painful to be brave and have the courage to actually sever ties permanently,  in retrospect,  it was the greatest gift to myself in the self-respect department.  Many times,  there is no other recourse except estrangement because all other repetitively "sweet,  nice and tolerant" avenues were attempts in futility.  

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, hannarivers said:

I went to two different specialists a few years ago, but they did nothing, except just talking about my feelings and giving me meds that completely ruined my ability to focus.

How long did you work with these specialists?

Could you possibly use one as a sounding board for you to drive your own course rather than relying on them to be the driver?

I'll withdraw the idea if you don't have the kind of healthcare that would cover the services.

[bluecastle]

14 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

I feel like I will come to an acceptance, where I can say "do as you like, but dont sabotage our relationship and be careful, I trust you".

I realize this is off topic, but I would encourage you to aim for a higher form of acceptance than this. If someone said this to me? The last thing I would feel is that they trusted me to do as I like so much as they felt I was highly likely to sabotage the relationship if they didn't keep me in check.

Per the question here, I stand by my advice in your earlier thread: Start carving out time to engage in activities that are just for you and that, over time, increase your trust in yourself. Maybe that's pottery, maybe it's yoga, maybe it's reconnecting with an old friend, maybe it's finding a challenging trail and hiking it solo—I don't know.

But these sorts of things can all from a certain angle be seen as a "coping mechanism", e.g. they help soften life's sharper edges. And if you get can amp up that arsenal a bit, you may find that other ways you've chosen to cope—ways that are detrimental—lose some of their traction. 

 

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, hannarivers said:

 Healthcare is garbage in my country and I have neither money or chance to go somewhere and get treatment for years.  I want to take matters in my hands and learn. 

Self help books and researching information about OCD can be helpful along with lifestyle changes. However mental health is not a do-it-yourself situation.

It seems like you had treatment but abandoned it because of side effects?

Do you have a full time job that offers health insurance?  That would be a great lifestyle change you could make.

Along with getting involved in better physical health such as an improved fitness and nutrition plan.

Another improvement would be to discontinue playing hausfrau and mother to your BF and engaging in more satisfactory pursuits such as career advancement and focusing on your future your overall health and lifestyle.

See if some accurate information about it helps:

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/obsessive-compulsive-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20354432

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, hannarivers said:

Would be reasonable, but how my partner treats me now is definitely not the sign of a 'not right relationship'. Oooh, it was not a right one, but it was not right thanks to me, too. The care he gives me now is so overpowering, and it is also consistent. I get what you say, but deep down I feel like I would not care about this, lets say in 5 years from now. Which means that Im even more sure it is 65% about my OCD and 35% about the real stuff. I had bad toughts of him before this case, too. And later realized that I was just obsessed and having an episode. 

Yes it can be confounding to try to tease out what's rational.  I felt that way during my high risk pregnancy and one way I coped was by not looking at the internet for signs of miscarriage, chances of birth defects, etc - and not engaging in such conversations so I had to learn discipline skills.

I don't think it matters if his care is underpowering, ovepowering or powerful -I was referring to your rationalizations of his porn use and trying to rationalize away your distrust that he will actually stop being a regular porn user and your temptation to monitor his devices, pepper him with questions, etc - he can show he cares of course and he cares for you but not enough so that you're looking at 5 years of you worried about his porn use and then I guess you mean if in 5 years you're busy being a wife and mother it will all be backburner stuff? 5 years is a long time.

Can you deal with those nagging feelings that crop up constantly about his porn use, his desires to view porn to the extent he does and your concerns about being compared to a porn star etc? And your overpowering urge to micromanage him?

Yes I agree if you obsess over whether he will come home to you at all if he is 15 minutes late and didn't respond to a text, or whether he smiled at the pretty cashier 5 seconds too long or clicked like on a post of a woman he crushed on in high school, I agree that's likely disordered thinking.  I see that as different and you do not seem to. 

Good luck!