Was she just being nice or...

[rainbowsandroses]

26 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

What’s stoping you from saying… “Hey! Sunday sounds great, what time and where?“ 

Hey @Lamb, ya know this^ isn't a bad idea.  I for one would be interested to hear her response and if she actually makes it.  And doesn't flake. 

Based on her history and that it took her an entire week to get back to you with her availability, I wouldn't hold out a lot of hope, but try and stay positive and play it out. 

You may be surprised.  She will actually show up and you both have a great time!  If she flakes again with whatever excuse she comes up with, that's it.  Done.  But again, try and stay positive and play it out. 

Right now this cat and mouse game you're both playing isn't getting you anywhere. 

[TheLambOfDeth]

28 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

Who the F cares WHEN she offered you Sunday or a night this week? You have no idea why she took that amount of time, and why would it even really matter at this point?  You.  Are. Just. Getting. Go. Know. Her.

It took damn near a week for her to reply...anyone would care lol. That's borderline rude.

28 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

What’s stoping you from saying… “Hey! Sunday sounds great, what time and where?“ Or, “nice to hear from you! Which night this week is good for you and where do you wanna go?“

Getting my hopes up again just to be disappointed...again. That's what's stopping me. Expecting her to actually show or not to flake, just to have her do it will just prolong my getting over it.

28 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

your responses to her tossed it back into her court. That seems passive. Somewhat disinterested. Not clear. It’s likely sending her almost the same kind of cloudy signals that you say she’s sending you.  That’s my read on it. That’s how I would interpret your responses.

Double heart at the end of her message? Crap! Doesn’t seem too unclear to me. She would enjoy seeing you. Now go effing see her!

It wasn't passive, I was just over the waiting and tbh I don't feel like Sunday. At that point I was just done with trying to meet her. Maybe if she actually replied sooner, Sunday would work. She sent a day, and it didn't work for me, so I just stopped trying to schedule. - That's all it was.

And hearts at the end of the message don't really mean much. I've had women do that before then wind up ghosting me.

[Kwothe28]

Lol she even sent 2 hearts.

You could have a date tomorrow.. If you arent playing games. If you want to go out with her just schedule a date, dont play cat and mouse games. If you dont its fine just don cry next time how "you are sub 5(or whatever you call it) and no woman wants to date you". 

[TheLambOfDeth]

20 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Hey @Lamb, ya know this^ isn't a bad idea.  I for one would be interested to hear her response and if she actually makes it.  And doesn't flake. 

Based on her history and that it took her an entire week to get back to you with her availability, I wouldn't hold out a lot of hope, but try and stay positive and play it out. 

You may be surprised.  She will actually show up and you both have a great time!  If she flakes again with whatever excuse she comes up with, that's it.  Done.  But again, try and stay positive and play it out. 

Right now this cat and mouse game you're both playing isn't getting you anywhere. 

Didn't you say it would be best, of that if it was you, you wouldn't even bother in this situation? When I asked when she was available, it took her almost a week to respond..

Yes, based on past actions, it's inevitable she'll cancel, flake, or not respond. So trying again just means I get limited more false hope, and it ultimately hurts more when she cancels or flakes or w/e. And then I have to get over that disappointment...again.

[rainbowsandroses]

19 minutes ago, TheLambOfDeth said:

Didn't you say it would be best, of that if it was you, you wouldn't even bother in this situation?

Yes, but I honestly didn't think she'd get back to you, I thought she had blown you off.   

Agree waiting an entire week reflects low interest however it's possible she's playing games and intentionally waited one week to see if YOU would reach out again and chase her.  To see how high YOUR interest is.  And believe you me, there are plenty of men out there who would have chased.  

I know women (I am one after all) and I know the games some women play and that is one of them. 

Good for you for not playing it!  And not reaching out.  That was the correct way to play it and see?  She reached back out to you with an available date!   

I hate games myself and you can choose to stop playing and move on or you play this out and see what happens. 

There IS a risk she will flake again and you get disappointed and if that is a risk you'd rather not take, I understand.  And actually wouldn't blame ya based on her history. 

 

[TheLambOfDeth]

48 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Lol she even sent 2 hearts.

You could have a date tomorrow.. If you arent playing games. If you want to go out with her just schedule a date, dont play cat and mouse games. If you dont its fine just don cry next time how "you are sub 5(or whatever you call it) and no woman wants to date you". 

Orange hearts are for friendship...it's not an indication of anything beyond being friendly.

It's not a date, it's just a friendly meeting between acquaintances, and it took damn near a week for her to be available, and it'll likely shift again so ...idk what "games" you're talking about. At least not on my end. There are no allusions to either party this is a date. Perhaps read some of this thread to get an idea before you post.

I really dk what you're talking about. You act being undateable is something to brag about and I'm being too self congratulatory or something..... It's not. Its a miserable, unfair way to live. And I'm not "crying." Perhaps if you couldn't get a real date in over two years, involuntarily, you'd have a bit more sensitivity and not bc so callous bc you can't understand.

And It's like pulling teeth just to get her to meet me in a friendly, casual manner, and I've volunteered for her. That's Indicative of the fact that I'm too ugly to get a date, which is next to impossible. Pro tip for you: that is NOT something someone would embellish or brag about....

 

[WaywardKiwi]

Lamb, her worst crime was being busy and bad at texting. That is the only wrong step she made in this entire process. Seriously, the reason you don't get dates are your impossible standards. Women approach you in bars, this women goes out of her way to invite you things and get to know; I have never had women be this proactive in my love life. You want a women to drop everything, fall at your feet and beg for a date, all while you maintain your disinterested facade. 

If you just wanna be friends, then be friendly and let go of your butthurt. If you don't want to be, stop texting her as if you do and then blaming her. I was on your side for ages, but this is on your behaviour not your face.

[TheLambOfDeth]

16 minutes ago, WaywardKiwi said:

Lamb, her worst crime was be bad at scheduling/busy and I suppose a bit bad at texting. That is the only wrong step she made in this entire process. Seriously, the reason you don't get dates are your impossible standards. Women approach you in bars, this whole saga, it all proves you are incorrect. I have never had women be this proactive in my love life

A "bit" bad at texting? It was basically a week to get a reply. Idk...it really just seems like you want to take her side here, or like everyone else, prove to me that being ugly is apparently irrelevant to women in an age where they all have vastly more options than ever before. I guess the real  reason I cannot get a date is not wanting to get ghosted or flaked multiple times is somehow "impossible standards"...

Like I said before, if the roles were reversed people would be saying he was playing games, not taking me serious and is too inconsistent to be trusted. The moment I mention the days I'm free next week, she'll take a week to respond then of course be busy again...it's just a loop.

[WaywardKiwi]

42 minutes ago, TheLambOfDeth said:

I guess the real  reason I cannot get a date is not wanting to get ghosted or flaked multiple times is somehow "impossible standards"...

In this case yes, this is why you cannot get a date. You asked her to let you know what day worked for her, and once she knew, she did let you know. And is this is the only actual circumstance I know of and not some generalisation, I have to assume this is indicative of your issue generally. 

[catfeeder]

48 minutes ago, TheLambOfDeth said:

A "bit" bad at texting? It was basically a week to get a reply. Idk...it really just seems like you want to take her side here, or like everyone else, prove to me that being ugly is apparently irrelevant to women in an age where they all have vastly more options than ever before. I guess the real  reason I cannot get a date is not wanting to get ghosted or flaked multiple times is somehow "impossible standards"...

Like I said before, if the roles were reversed people would be saying he was playing games, not taking me serious and is too inconsistent to be trusted. The moment I mention the days I'm free next week, she'll take a week to respond then of course be busy again...it's just a loop.

Oh, would you quit whining and go on a damn date!

[TheLambOfDeth]

26 minutes ago, WaywardKiwi said:

In this case yes, this is why you cannot get a date. You asked her to let you know what day worked for her, and once she knew, she did let you know. And is this is the only actual circumstance I know of and not some generalisation, I have to assume this is indicative of your issue generally. 

My issue generally is never hearing back after an initial conversation, getting ghosted or not even having a woman to ask to go out...There's no need to assume, when I'm plainly, painstakingly attempting to explain.

[TheLambOfDeth]

19 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Oh, would you quit whining and go on a damn date!

It.is.not.a.date.

Idk how many times I have to say this. The word "date" has never been used by either party and there is no implied pretense given the only casual, friendly, platonic intetactions we've had. It's just hanging out between acquaintances. I've stated that a million times. It just goes to show how difficult getting an actual date is, when just meeting someone for drinks takes this much effort...

[Capricorn3]

8 hours ago, TheLambOfDeth said:

 I was just over the waiting and tbh I don't feel like Sunday.

^ Well, there ya go.  No wonder you don't get dates.  A girl says a day which suits her, and you turn it down because "I don't feel like Sunday".   That's on YOU.  You seem to thrive on "woe is me".  Keep it up and you'll live a very lonely life.  Have you ever considered counseling to help you figure out all of these issues you have?  It may be of great benefit to you.

[catfeeder]

4 minutes ago, TheLambOfDeth said:

It.is.not.a.date.

Idk how many times I have to say this. The word "date" has never been used by either party and there is no implied pretense given the only casual, friendly, platonic intetactions we've had. It's just hanging out between acquaintances. I've stated that a million times. It just goes to show how difficult getting an actual date is, when just meeting someone for drinks takes this much effort...

Okay, stop whining and splitting hairs and go meet the lady.

[TheLambOfDeth]

23 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

^ Well, there ya go.  No wonder you don't get dates.  A girl says a day which suits her, and you turn it down because "I don't feel like Sunday".   That's on YOU.  You seem to thrive on "woe is me".  Keep it up and you'll live a very lonely life.  Have you ever considered counseling to help you figure out all of these issues you have?  It may be of great benefit to you.

You're very conveniently omitting that it took her a week to to finally decide on a day that "suited" her you very much selecting what to respond to. When I actually attempt to get real dates from women, this isn't Indicative of what happens. I usually never hear back. They either flake until I don't hear from them, or they ghost as soon as I attempt to meet them. 

I don't "thrive" on being ghosted or being invisible which is usually what happens, and why I'm so reprehensive in this situation. Bc 99/100 times I get ghosted or flaked on until I'm ghosted.

Unless counseling comes paired with a plastic surgery voucher, it won't help my problem with being ghosted and ignored by women.

[Capricorn3]

10 minutes ago, TheLambOfDeth said:

Unless counseling comes paired with a plastic surgery voucher, it won't help my problem with being ghosted and ignored by women.

No, that's not your problem.  If one can be brutally honest, your problem (in it's entirety) is your self-pity and miserable attitude.   It oozes in your written form on the internet, so you can just imagine how it comes across in real life.  It is extremely off-putting and yes, it will make any woman run a mile and never look back.  Counseling can help you improve this extremely negative/miserable, "woe is me" attitude.  Until you change that, you'll get nowhere (imo).

[TheLambOfDeth]

4 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

No, that's not your problem.  If one can be brutally honest, your problem (in it's entirety) is your self-pity and miserable attitude.   It oozes in your written form on the internet, so you can just imagine how it comes across in real life.  It is extremely off-putting and yes, it will make any woman run a mile and never look back.  Counseling can help you improve this extremely negative/miserable, "woe is me" attitude.  Until you change that, you'll get nowhere (imo).

There is no self pity, insecurity, or anything else on my any of dating profiles. On 5 different sites. And I can't get a single match or like on any of them. So while I agree, I likely don't have the best attitude, if you're someone who can't get a single conversation from any on of the thousands of women you liked, swiped or messaged on app, it's not a attitude problem....it's clearly your looks. THAT'S my problem. I'm not photogenic and am pretty ugly 

I don't project my insecurities irl. I've had people, who have no reason to lie to me, tell me I often come off af confident and self assured bc of the way I dress, my posture, etc. Yet women never get me a chance to just even meet them. I don't even get to the point where I could project my "self-pity" and that becomes the issue. Bc of my looks I don't even get far enough for my personality to even be an issue. 

[Batya33]

Agree with Capricorn and cat feeder. Whether it’s a date or not she’s highly interested in spending time with you. My future husband didn’t contact me for about a week after our two platonic meetups when we reconnected. I didn’t have a cell. He did. We also had emailed etc.

I actually went against my MO and contacted him twice (by email I think ) with a lame excuse - an anecdote I shared. . we weren’t dating yet. I knew he was leaving town soonish. And I figured since he didn’t know about my interest in dating I mean why not - worst is he wouldn’t respond. I now have a sense of why he waited. Not a game at all.
But I never asked. That was almost 18 years ago.  Or chided him for it. Why? He then called and suggested a third meetup - I assumed again platonic but he asked me then to get back together. (When it came to making and following up on plans - totally reliable - he simply hadn’t called me for another meet up after our second one )

so I went outside my comfort zone. He did too. He’s shy and introverted. Can you imagine asking a woman you almost married 8 years earlier to try again??  He had no idea what my answer would be. Can you imagine if he’d been all negative ?? Huge obstacles - past history /now long distance/ I’d have to relocate /I turned 39 a week later - meaning he wanted a family so I was a big risk there too. But he had to get super vulnerable to ask me to get back together. Not just a date. He was clear on what he hoped for our future.
One of his best friends said it was too soon to ask me. But he knew if he waited and we were then in different cities it would get far too complicated and perhaps I’d no longer be single or available. 

No I didn’t ask him out. But I sure went out of my comfort zone. Again and again for him. It’s worth it.

That’s what our 14 year old son would tell you. He’s still slightly allergic to girls but now he’s all about “mom and dad come on hold hands be romantic ok ok kiss!”  I sure hope he continues to be sweet and positive like that. He’s handsome and short and has the biggest heart.  His height will work against him unfortunately. Cause life isn’t fair. But I hope he has a realistic attitude that we all have our things that might shrink our dating pool some.

Mine were my age /ticking clock ( in my 30s) /career that intimidated certain men/ frizzy hair before better hair products / not putting out for casual sex etc. I did my best with what I had. We all do yes ???
 

Go on the darn “date” or meet up or whatever.
 

 Worst is she won’t show.
 

Second worst is she will and you’ll have a nice time and make a new friend. She knows lots of people so I bet if you get off get off your high horse and keeping score on texts she’ll introduce you around to good people. She seems like a genuinely good person yes ? Good people know good people. 

And who knows maybe the beginning of a couple of dates. It’s on you I agree. 

[WaywardKiwi]

4 hours ago, TheLambOfDeth said:

My issue generally is never hearing back after an initial conversation, getting ghosted or not even having a woman to ask to go out...There's no need to assume, when I'm plainly, painstakingly attempting to explain.

But these are just general statements out of context, I can't draw any conclusion from them; especially when you three times claimed this women has ghosted you when she in fact hasn't. The greatest source of information we have as to the actual issues you face are what is happen right now, in this interaction. And indeed, that's the way you should be approaching it too. This girl, this relationship, this friendship. If taking a week to reply is too long, so be it. That's your standard, and frankly I would be okay with it in these circumstances. You didn't give a firm deadline, this form of texting is established in your interactions, she is clearly busy, and the content of her interactions is always positive, bar one raincheck which she made up by inviting you out twice afterwards. Basically, taking a week in isolation may be a deal breaker, but you are trying to ignore the entire context of your interactions til now. But that's your call. Just don't blame the past, or some cosmic rule. There is ample and sufficient evidence right in front of you as to how we arrived here.

[TheLambOfDeth]

1 hour ago, WaywardKiwi said:

But these are just general statements out of context, I can't draw any conclusion from them; especially when you three times claimed this women has ghosted you when she in fact hasn't. The greatest source of information we have as to the actual issues you face are what is happen right now, in this interaction. And indeed, that's the way you should be approaching it too. This girl, this relationship, this friendship. If taking a week to reply is too long, so be it. That's your standard, and frankly I would be okay with it in these circumstances. You didn't give a firm deadline, this form of texting is established in your interactions, she is clearly busy, and the content of her interactions is always positive, bar one raincheck which she made up by inviting you out twice afterwards. Basically, taking a week in isolation may be a deal breaker, but you are trying to ignore the entire context of your interactions til now. But that's your call. Just don't blame the past, or some cosmic rule. There is ample and sufficient evidence right in front of you as to how we arrived here.

Welp unlike you and 98% of people in this thread I don't get to ignore the past two years and all the isolation, rejection, being ignored, avoided and forgotten about by women and the situation of every single woman on every single site I've tried to talk to, thinking I'm too ugly for a just a  conversation. Bc that's actually my life and I have to deal with it whether people here want to gaslight or not lol.

The funny, obvious part you're trying to ignore here just to prove a point: if I texted her to let me take her out or let me take her to dinner and actually go on a date? I'd be ghosted and never hear from her again...just like every other woman, bc she's clearly not intetested beyond trying to be nice but and has gone out of her way to ensure I don't get the wrong idea. But think what you like, and go ahead and ignore and try to invalidate all my actual experiences to prove a arbitrary point I guess...Doesn't change my actual life and what I have to live with.

[Sindy_0311]

I see nothing wrong in this woman’s behavior. She replied, with orange hearts because she isn’t your girlfriend yet. It’s like sending 😚 instead of 😘 when you start to date someone… nothing wrong with her contacting you one week later. I often have to wait one to two weeks to be free and ready to plan a date. She might be not romantically interested in you yet but if you don’t give it a chance you will never know what will happen. It’s sometimes easier to retreat and not take the risk… (what do you have to loose? Your comfort?) 

you say you are ugly and don’t get many matches on dating apps, believe me, there are tons of average looking guys who don’t get matches either… might just be that you are not photogenic. No big deal. I used to like profiles without really liking the photos, because I found something interesting in their profile details. And when I met them I was sometime positively surprised. Also have to say that men often look better for real than on the pictures they post… (which I assume isn’t always the case for ladies… way to much filters) If you have great posture, good style, then there is not reason no one would be interested in dating you…

IMHO you should have replied and accepted to see her sunday (today?) whatever plans you had… too bad… did you at least reply? 

[Sindy_0311]

Don’t you think that you just don’t fit to online dating? Because it’s all based on apparences. As you are someone “different” I suggest you stick to meeting people in real life were you can let your charisma, style and posture speak for you. You just have to create your own culture and do what’s best for you which is the best way to attract interesting people. Unsubscribe from dating apps and putt your energy elsewhere if it’s not working for you. I’ve know a black man who had a skin condition. He had a profile on dating apps but never got any date. But this guy was sexy as hell and had any woman he wanted in real life (including me LOL) so please don’t let your lack of success in online dating define your attractiveness… 

[Kwothe28]

15 hours ago, TheLambOfDeth said:

I really dk what you're talking about. You act being undateable is something to brag about and I'm being too self congratulatory or something..... It's not. Its a miserable, unfair way to live. And I'm not "crying." Perhaps if you couldn't get a real date in over two years, involuntarily, you'd have a bit more sensitivity and not bc so callous bc you can't understand.

And It's like pulling teeth just to get her to meet me in a friendly, casual manner, and I've volunteered for her. That's Indicative of the fact that I'm too ugly to get a date, which is next to impossible. Pro tip for you: that is NOT something someone would embellish or brag about....

I dont think you "embelish" and "brag" about it, I think you really believe that. Problem is that you could have a date today. But you decided that "you dont feel like it". You cant complain how you are "sub 5 that cant get a date". When you were presented an opportunity for a date. And you say things like "I dont feel like it". If you are "undatable" you wouldnt have an opportunity for a date. But you would rather stay at home and wallow in self-pity then do something about it. At some point you would need to stop blaming everybody else. And see that you are also making big mistakes when it comes to dating and that you cant say "I dont feel like it" when an opportunity for a date presents itself.

[Jaunty]

It basically boils down to priorities.  

You prioritize protecting your ego over everything.  

Life doesn't really reward that.  Risk takers with "skin in the game" are the people who get the things they want out of life.

It certainly skews in favor of extroverted or even aggressive types of people.   Okay.  The rest of us have things we can learn from those people.   NOT about how to be a "chad" or whatever you call a$$holes, but about how to show up and take the risks to get where you want to be.  

 

 

 

[LootieTootie]

My gawd you got heart emojis from her!  Would you at least put your ego to the side, and respond to her with an emphatic yes and give her the time and days you are available?

Seriously this is progress, TLOD. Dating is hard to navigate especially someone like you who isn't getting dates, but one thing to be is when you're opening yourself to dating, you need to be understanding and open-minded. This is how you show the other person you are capable of problem-solving together. And vice versa.

Now if you rather just go back to your self-pity and preserve your ego, then do it and stop thinking about this art lady who just happened to be misunderstood because of her own busy schedule and her own internal struggles. God forbid she takes a week to reconcile her own feelings and emotions about you and the potential of more than a colleague relationship.

Any way, dating is hard but like Jaunty said so perfectly, when the chance is there, you need to show up. If you don't because you don't feel like it any more, you are just going to keep landing where you've been landing, nowhere.