Why do I always want to end my relationships?

[July90s]

Hi guys, I'm 32, male, from the UK. I've just broken up with my latest partner which went the same way as all my other relationships. They start off great and I feel like this could be the person for me then after a few months (or in one case 2 years) I start to get the same doubts about wether I find the girl attractive enough, I start to feel uncomfortable and I want to stop dating them. This has happened many times now and the girls have all been great people I've been very lucky that way, but I think either there is something wrong with me and I'll keep doing this forever or maybe I just haven't found the right person yet. I'm scared to get into another relationship because I'm sick of hurting people and I think I'll just be happier staying single. Is anyone the same it have any advice? Thank you

[SooSad33]

Beauty is only skin deep.  A relationship requires many more reason's in order to be successful.

- Are you compatible? ( have things in common, is there communication, are they respectful, do they give you some of 'their time', etc).

It's common for a relationship to start off great - as that's the honeymoon phase.  In time, we come to see IF this is a good person for us. If not, we end it, distance ourselves, etc.

Maybe you just haven't found your person.. yet.  One, where you DO feel yourself with and a real connection.

If you're scared right now, why don't you just cool it for a while?  Take some down time and focus on yourself.  Get out there, hang with friends & family, get active in some sport or hobbies etc.  Where you don't have to focus on someone else.  With a relationship, yes, it does take your time, energy etc.  And IMO, if there's always negative's it can wear you down 😕 .  And you end up mentally/ emotionally exhausted, etc.

My brother had a long term toxic relationship and when that all came to an end, he was smart and spent a good few years on his own . He knew inside, he was ready to date again.  When he did venture out again, the woman he met up with, he married within 2 yrs.  he just knew 😉 . ( I haven't been involved for abt 4 yrs and am fine with that.  I have no interest, as I know I am mentally & emotionally exhausted from years of negative experiences).

We're all different and all experience different things through our lives.

So, think a little on your present mentality and maybe just chill for a little while. Focus on yourself and who knows, some day you may find someone who does strike the right chord in you and you DO feel it. 🙂 .  We never know.

* Another thing some may mention is  gamophobia? People who have gamophobia have a fear of commitment. This fear is so intense that they often find it impossible to have long-term relationships.*

 

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, July90s said:

They start off great and I feel like this could be the person for me then after a few months (or in one case 2 years) I start to get the same doubts about wether I find the girl attractive enough, I start to feel uncomfortable and I want to stop dating them.

It depends. They say that usually after a few months when that initial passion dies out a bit, we can see what stays after is worthy of staying in a relationship. But what you described, sounds like a fear of commitment. Where after some time you wonder what else is out there and can you find somebody more attractive. So you push those women away.

In any case, its worthy of maybe talking to therapist. It might be something that can be worked so in the future when you enter relationship wont have to deal with the same issue.

[July90s]

Thanks for the replies! I understand that physical attraction isn't the be all & end all but I can't imagine being with someone who I didn't think was beautiful. Maybe I am just quite shallow unfortunately! But yeah I will be spending more time single as a relationship is the last thing I want right now, I have seen 2 different counsellors about it and apart from some self esteem issues it was mainly out down to just not being right for each other. But I agree that I should wait in future until after a few months when the excitement dies down to decide whether or not we should be together as a couple.

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, July90s said:

Thanks for the replies! I understand that physical attraction isn't the be all & end all but I can't imagine being with someone who I didn't think was beautiful. Maybe I am just quite shallow unfortunately! But yeah I will be spending more time single as a relationship is the last thing I want right now, I have seen 2 different counsellors about it and apart from some self esteem issues it was mainly out down to just not being right for each other. But I agree that I should wait in future until after a few months when the excitement dies down to decide whether or not we should be together as a couple.

Question.  Is the issue wanting to feel like you’re with a trophy/arm candy or losing chemistry /attraction and then feeling nitpicky about her physical features ?  I love my husband. We’ve both aged! In different ways. He gained some like pandemic weight which I think he’s now losing - he exercises and eats reasonably - and I probably should take more pains with my appearance - the pandemic with all the virtual stuff - I got lazy about my hair and makeup although still as it more up to par with personal hygiene and fitness and health - no weight gain and I am slim. 
if it’s an arm candy thing- you want someone who looks a certain way so you can feel like you have worth and value “wow look how hot his girlfriend is !!” Then you’ll have to keep trading in for a new model most likely unless you marry someone who’s really into her looks and loves Botox etc. 

If it’s a “oh no I’m losing attraction “thing and I feel guilty etc often the spark can be revived. I don’t need to think my husband looks hot or really handsome 24-7 in order to feel totally secure that he’s my person and we’re married for all the right reasons.  I had similar doubts in past relationships.  Partly because back then I still felt a spark - thrill of the chase - for unavailable men. Is it like that for you ?

[July90s]

I think it is more that I lose the attraction after a certain period of time and then other things start to bother me about them which didn't bother me at first. I'd like to think that if I am supposed to be with someone then I would find them attractive forever .. or is this not the case do you think? (I am aware we are all going to age and change looks with time so maybe this is an unrealistic expectation?)

[Cherylyn]

Maybe you grow bored easily and in need of constant attention.  Perhaps you want excitement all the time and whenever there's a lull,  you bail. 

Since you prefer your free bird status,  whenever you date,  be honest by telling her that you don't want to string her along and for her not to have any "grandiose" ideas about any long term relationship or commitment because you're not that type of guy.  This way you're off the hook from the beginning and both parties know exactly what the situation is.  As long as there's clarity,  you will be fine.  Tell the truth. 

[Wiseman2]

26 minutes ago, July90s said:

, I have seen 2 different counsellors about it and apart from some self esteem issues it was mainly out down to just not being right for each other. 

Agree with the counselor. Perhaps there is not enough substance to keep you two together. Perhaps focus on compatibly in addition to attraction.

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, July90s said:

I think it is more that I lose the attraction after a certain period of time and then other things start to bother me about them which didn't bother me at first. I'd like to think that if I am supposed to be with someone then I would find them attractive forever .. or is this not the case do you think? (I am aware we are all going to age and change looks with time so maybe this is an unrealistic expectation?)

I think if you make a forever commitment you should be reasonably sure and excited to be with your partner overall. Ebbs and flows. Sometimes you’ll find your partner physically attractive and other times not but when it’s not you won’t feel all panicky or anxious because you have that core foundation of love and commitment. I mean honestly sometimes I wonder how my husband felt when he was in the room with me for hours when I was in labor and begging for ice chips. Yes I know I know the husband is supposed to find his wife sooooo amazingly gorgeous while she’s trying to birth a human but come on. 
we never spoke of it and he did great in that room and the operating room for my emergency C section but did he find me physically attractive ?? Who knows and who cares.  
Do I find him attractive when he forgot again to run the dryer?  I mean yes - if he says “sorry! Do you want a hug?” (Hugs are his answer to all transgressions lol) I will hug him or take a rain check. Without a thought about “hmmm does he look attractive right now ?” No I just want to get my hug and apology then deal with the sodden towels. 

this is why I think your focus on looks is probably a general “hmmm now that I’ve got her I’m a bit bored - is the grass greener - do I have the dream of someone else ??”

[July90s]

Thanks, I am very honest when dating but as I get into a relationship I find it harder to be honest about my feelings as I don't want to rock the boat. But yeah that is a good idea about saying I don't want anything serious then there are no expectations 

[July90s]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Agree with the counselor. Perhaps there is not enough substance to keep you two together. Perhaps focus on compatibly in addition to attraction.

Yeah I mean I usually wouldn't date anyone if I didn't think we had things in common etc so I don't think that is the issue but I know where you are coming from

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, July90s said:

Thanks, I am very honest when dating but as I get into a relationship I find it harder to be honest about my feelings as I don't want to rock the boat. But yeah that is a good idea about saying I don't want anything serious then there are no expectations 

For sure. You will have fun casually dating and better chance of feeling that heightened attraction since it comes with no commitment or responsibilities 

[Batya33]

Just now, July90s said:

Yeah I mean I usually wouldn't date anyone if I didn't think we had things in common etc so I don't think that is the issue but I know where you are coming from

It’s not just that but commitment for the long term 

[July90s]

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think if you make a forever commitment you should be reasonably sure and excited to be with your partner overall. Ebbs and flows. Sometimes you’ll find your partner physically attractive and other times not but when it’s not you won’t feel all panicky or anxious because you have that core foundation of love and commitment. I mean honestly sometimes I wonder how my husband felt when he was in the room with me for hours when I was in labor and begging for ice chips. Yes I know I know the husband is supposed to find his wife sooooo amazingly gorgeous while she’s trying to birth a human but come on. 
we never spoke of it and he did great in that room and the operating room for my emergency C section but did he find me physically attractive ?? Who knows and who cares.  
Do I find him attractive when he forgot again to run the dryer?  I mean yes - if he says “sorry! Do you want a hug?” (Hugs are his answer to all transgressions lol) I will hug him or take a rain check. Without a thought about “hmmm does he look attractive right now ?” No I just want to get my hug and apology then deal with the sodden towels. 

this is why I think your focus on looks is probably a general “hmmm now that I’ve got her I’m a bit bored - is the grass greener - do I have the dream of someone else ??”

Yeah I understand that in some situations or some days you might not find them attractive, but I seem to constantly be thinking "I think I find this person more attractive now" or "my friends girlfriend is really pretty" maybe they are thinking the same too!

[Type O Negative]

2 hours ago, July90s said:

Hi guys, I'm 32, male, from the UK. I've just broken up with my latest partner which went the same way as all my other relationships. They start off great and I feel like this could be the person for me then after a few months (or in one case 2 years) I start to get the same doubts about wether I find the girl attractive enough, I start to feel uncomfortable and I want to stop dating them. This has happened many times now and the girls have all been great people I've been very lucky that way, but I think either there is something wrong with me and I'll keep doing this forever or maybe I just haven't found the right person yet. I'm scared to get into another relationship because I'm sick of hurting people and I think I'll just be happier staying single. Is anyone the same it have any advice? Thank you

You mean, you haven't  yet found a size 6 twenty y old wanna be supermodel. 

[Batya33]

27 minutes ago, July90s said:

Yeah I understand that in some situations or some days you might not find them attractive, but I seem to constantly be thinking "I think I find this person more attractive now" or "my friends girlfriend is really pretty" maybe they are thinking the same too!

My assessment is you’re still shopping.  You have the dream of someone else even if you’re not yet focused on someone else. You think the grass is greener on the outside. When you said “this person more attractive “ you mean your partner or someone else ?

[July90s]

9 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

My assessment is you’re still shopping.  You have the dream of someone else even if you’re not yet focused on someone else. You think the grass is greener on the outside. When you said “this person more attractive “ you mean your partner or someone else ?

I meant someone else. I know there are always going to be better looking people around, so I feel like I shouldn't be feeling that way

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, July90s said:

I meant someone else. I know there are always going to be better looking people around, so I feel like I shouldn't be feeling that way

It’s normal to notice attractive looking people. If you notice and want to be with the other person because that person looks more attractive to you then it sounds like you’re not that into your partner. I’m aware of attractive people in daily life and of course celebrities and actors etc who look really attractive. 
If you told me I could be with a person who looked more attractive than my husband and all else equal - that person would want to be with me etc - I’d say - thanks for sharing. I’m good - not interested in the least. If I went to a social event or party and spoke to an attractive man I’d notice how he looked.
Might even notice - he is attractive !  (Dark hair and blue or green eyes - gets me every time lol) - and I’d never feel like “hmmm that person is more attractive than my husband and wow wouldn’t it be awesome if I could like go on a date with him or hook up - oh but I can’t I’m married. “ 

if I felt that way I wouldn’t have married my husband. Or been committed to him for the years we dated before marriage. 

[Tinydance]

Well I was going to say that maybe you should try to examine what exactly you feel with the women you date and why you might be feeling that way. But since you have already seen two therapists about this issue and didn't come to any particular conclusion, I'm not really sure what else you could do. I have some theories as to why this may be happening but it doesn't seem like the therapists necessarily agreed with them lol

One of my guesses would be that maybe deep down you actually are a bit shallow. I'm not saying this to insult you but maybe you do actually have a high standard that the woman has to be stereotypically very attractive. I think if your standards are pretty high then it's actually difficult for most women to reach the standard.

It's also normal to find other people attractive but what you need to realise is that's something that will always happen. You will always see attractive people around. People in long term relationships actually make a conscious choice to be with that particular person despite the fact that they find other people attractive. Maybe it is even possible to keep finding someone more attractive (especially if you're attractive) but that's what you would call "chasing the dragon". It's like always wanting something "better" but how can you actually have a long lasting serious relationship if after a short time you're already looking for someone else?

My other theory is that maybe you have an expectation that someone is supposed to look "great" all the time or forever. So for example when you start dating a woman, maybe she makes more effort and dresses up really nice, wears make-up, perfume, etc. Then after you've been with her for two years, she feels comfortable with you so she just walks around in track pants and t-shirt around you.

I think the main thing in a relationship is to like WHO the person is and not only what they look like. Of course attraction is important because otherwise you'd only like that person as a friend and not romantically. But people's looks can change over time and you can't really just dump someone because they gained a bit of weight or got a new haircut or something like that. And the thing is, you can find someone else but then likely that person's looks will change over time too. If you're with someone 10 years of course they wouldn't look as young as 10 years ago. 

My other theory is that maybe you were actually dating women that you weren't that into to begin with. Maybe you thought they were OK but you weren't actually in love with them? I think if you're not very into them to begin with then after a few months you probably do get bored with them.

I guess another question is do you actually want to be in a relationship? Maybe you just thought you *should* be in a relationship? But maybe in fact you'd actually prefer to be single and free to date different women or be polyamorous or something like that.

[Cherylyn]

22 hours ago, July90s said:

Thanks, I am very honest when dating but as I get into a relationship I find it harder to be honest about my feelings as I don't want to rock the boat. But yeah that is a good idea about saying I don't want anything serious then there are no expectations 

Absolutely.  Be transparent in this arena.  Be up front and completely honest from the beginning so there is no misunderstanding whatsoever.  No sense for the woman to continue wasting her time,  energy and resources if there is no long term relationship for the future.  Just date and have a good time instead.  This way,  both of you are on the same page minus any unpleasant surprises.

[smackie9]

There's nothing wrong with you....you just haven't met the right one...and it only takes ONE right? That's why we date...to see if they are right for us in every way. Doesn't matter if they are great on paper, and check off most of your boxes...it's the chemistry, the right kind that holds us for the long haul. It's rare but it will happen as long as you keep up your expectations, and don't waste your time on hoping things will get better/improve. Keep at it. I know it's frustrating, but you will get there. 

[catfeeder]

My family had a bachelor friend who visited often and brought countless women to social events. They were all tall, beautiful blondes, and we learned not to bond too much because she would be replaced quickly.

After a few years of this he showed up with a petite brunette who was boisterous and funny, but not classically beautiful. My Dad predicted that we’ll be seeing more of her. Surely enough, we enjoyed their wedding the following year, and they’ve remained married ever since.

You just never know. I’d suggest changing your pattern of what may have been premature commitment.

 I would NOT suggest telling women that you only want short term hookups if that goes against what you actually desire for yourself someday. Rather, extend dating until you can better assess your interest in a long term commitment.

 I often fell out of love with boyfriends, but I believe that is because I was in love with the idea of happily ever after rather than the actual person.

So date with a goal of screening OUT bad matches rather than talking yourself into a bond that promises more than you are certain you even want to deliver.

[Cherylyn]

I wouldn't extend dating until you can figure out if long term commitment is what you desire.  You'd be wasting the woman's time whereas she could be dating a guy who won't waffle.  It would be unfair to her for you to experiment while you wait to determine if a long term commitment is for you or not.  No sense stringing her along until you make up your mind.  Tell the truth and be honest from the beginning because some women are in the same boat as you are and it will be a matter match for you.  Be on the same page and wavelength.